DB Sommer wrote:

Since I'm still not quite in the mood to revise. I shall turn to this:

  _I_ certainly can't complain. ;)

Dormio Animus

Latin for, 'the animals play dominos.'

  ...

  Or dormant awareness...

Notes: It's an alt, as should become apparent shortly, since I've
read most of the U.S. manga, seen some of the OAVs, and not watched the
movie.

Better than me, but I like A!MG, so here we go.

  You still mock me for this?

  I told you, I _want_ to see the movie... :p

He nodded, pulling the blanket further up around his waist as
Belldandy smiled at him gently, placing a tray with a warm pot of tea
and a pair of cups on the floor.

She then spilled some of the hot tea on his groin, completely breaking the
tender moment.

  Belldandy: Quick, take those clothes off before you hurt yourself!

  No, not that kind of story...

He scooted to one side, making room for her, and she

' her. She' I'd break this into two sentences here rather than use all the
commas.

  Ah, when I was younger, I fell, hit my head, and slipped into a comma. They say it affects my sentense structure.

Blinking away the confusion and fatigue, he tried to focus on her. She
was clearly defined in her bedclothes,

Now that invokes all sorts of naughty images.

  Purely, uh, accidental. Yeah. That's it. Really.

She shook her head, sitting on his futon neatly,

' sitting neatly'?  I think there's a better adverb than that. Maybe.
'daintily' or something.

  'Daintily'? I'll re-word that bit.

  I guess my vernacular tends towards the archaic.

and carefully poured (sounds better)

  Right, right...

The memory of the last time they had kissed

was clearer in his mind than any half-remembered dream.

Oh? And when was this?

  Hmm... the 'Miss Keiichi' episode, unless I miss my guess.

he asked, driving away the thoughts of kissing. Now was not the time for
that...

Now was the time for thinking of something a lot more heated, since they
were next to his bed and everything.

  I wasn't going to go out and _say_ that, but... yes.

Before we became

as

what we are (sounds better to me)

   Bah. No respect for the high tongue, I tell you... kids these days!

thoughtfully, parting them to sip absently at her own tea, then set it
on the floor, and shifted

Again I'd break into two setences here and say 'floor. She shifted'

  Humph, nothing's good enough for you. Why, in my day, we didn't have any punctuation 'cept for them dang 'postraphes -- and them hyphens -- and we _liked_ it, by gum!

and Keiichi tried to force down

the grin he felt building. She always just knew what to say

knew just what to say

  Well... technicaly, it's right. But then, my method of prose is probably much clunkier than this years more streamlined models.

"Belldandy, if there's ever anything you need, just ask me, okay? If
there's anything I can do..."

Keichii: Hot sex. A three-way with your sisters. Anything, I'm there for
you.

  Hm. Ataru instead of Keiichi. No, no... I don't think that would be a good idea at all. Nope.

he trailed off, seeing the way her face

lit up at those words, and she seemed to simply... glow.

Actually she was glowing literally. It turned out when Bell became sexually
aroused, she leaked power and would glow. On the bright side, it enabled
Keichii to always tell when she really was in the mood.

      Unless she glows when she's angry, too. Then there would be a problem...

One hand went to her lower lip, as though she was half trying

half-trying (I think)

  You are correct.

hide her own smile. "Keiichi," she said warmly. "Thank you. Just you
being there is enough for me..." Keiichi smiled once more, ignoring a
sudden feeling of apprehension. As long as they had each other...

Heh. That is ominous foreboading.

  Well, they say to only do what you know how to do well, and that's be you...

  But I can't whistle in the dark, so I write dark fics.

The wind whistled across the empty lot, tossing loose trash and
papers about, but Keiichi's attention was elsewhere. Things were in a
constant state of flux. Something was going to happen.

Something always happend eventually. It's the price of the universe not
being in a state of complete entorpy.

  Skuld: I can fix that!

  Urd: Why would you want to?

  Skuld: I wouldn't. I just want to rub it in Keiichi's face that I _could_ fix it.

That much was a given. He'd led an odd life even before Belldandy
had come onto the scene.

He had? He always seemed pretty typical to me. *Shrug*

  Who _really_ knows... but then, the reason I say he had ties in with... later chapters.

It had escalated in oddity as time progressed, with three goddesses
living under the same roof with him, and he didn't really expect it to
stop anytime soon. But behind the constant chaos that he expected to dog
him until his eventual grave, he wanted to take things another step with
Belldandy.

Like first base.

  He is male, after all...

Megumi had spent a long hour some months ago suggesting very plainly
that he needed to 'make a move' on the goddess, lest he lose her... And
that didn't seem to be right, to him. When he seriously considered, it
just... didn't feel right yet.

Might want to set single quotes or something to emphaisze the 'yet' part of
the sentence. I think emphasizing it would be for the best.

  Very good point. Will adjust.

Heh. Lot more for me to work with here than in 'Wave's End'

  Well, stylism does that.

do that,

A cure for his impotence, for starters.

  I'd think Belldandy could take care of that... or Urd... but hopefully not Skuld.

He spent a long minute staring at the washer dumbly before its true
significance hit him.

It was used to wash clothing! Of course. What a fool he had been.

  ...

  Well, I suppose that's... true...

He wanted to marry Belldandy.

I think kissing and making out should come into the equation a wee bit
before that step is taken.

  Dunno about making out, but they _have_ lived together for four years, and then, they have kissed... Hm...

Stifling a laugh, he shook his head, staring heavenward. "What am I
thinking?" he asked himself. Could he marry her? Want to, certainly,
but... she was a goddess, and he was just...

A little mortal whelp that will get old, and die. On the bright side, once
he gets to Heaven, they could be together forever that way.

  Or if he _weren't_ a mortal.

Hmm. Now there's a dark idea. The only way for the two of them to really be
together is if Keichii dies by means other than his own hand. Definitely
dark territory there.

  Heh. Almost.

He cut that line of thought

short. She loved him. He knew, as easily as he could admit to himself,
at least, that he loved her.

Ah, if only it was that simple with two people loving each other. But then,
that is the sort of story A!MG, is. :)

  Heh...

But marriage? He'd have to ask her, first...

Yes. That usually helps.

  One would hope.

He shook his head, climbing onto his bicycle, and starting the
engine. But first... he would need a ring. A ring worthy of her, and
that would entail money,

Nah. He could always steal one.

  I'd tend to think that she wouldn't approve.

could ask Megumi for help or ideas...

Megumi: Well, I heard of this ring that resides in Mount Doom or something.
It's supposed to be something else, but it's guarded by this little troll
like guy and legions of evil want it.

  Good thing for Belldandy that she's so innocent. Wait, she does get jealous... Hm...

He snapped his attention to the road as he narrowly missed hitting a
stone barrier, and berated himself. Attention on the road,

Two 'attentions to/on the road' close together. Ought to reword one of them,
though nothing is coming to me at the moment.

  Well it was intentional, but if it's jarring, I'll see what I can do.

ear as she poked at the stove in an attempt to make it function. It was
gas, and she was reasonably sure she understood what it was supposed to
do, but it was not working, and she couldn't cook without it...

It was probably a good thing she had blown out that odd fire inside it
though. Why, it could have burned the entire apartment down if let
unchecked.

  Erm...

to you about something..." There was an odd note of hope in his voice,
and Megumi rolled her eyes, jabbing at some obstruction deep within the
bowels of the stove. The note of hope spelled out 'hopelessly in love'
to her trained ears.

Are her ears really trained in such matters, though?

  When it concerns her brother, I would assume. Also the implications (considering what Megumi told Keiichi about making a move on Belldandy) that she's more... knowledgeable in the whole 'relationship' area...

"Ah," she said, smirking as she abandoned the non-functional device
for a moment to walk to the small chair at the opposite end of the
phone's reach. "Finally got her pregnant?"

Now here would be a perfect opportunity to rib his sister by saying. "Oh my
God! How did you find out I knocked up Urd?" But Keichii's not like that. :P

  Heh!

pathetic-- ooops!" She dove for the phone, ignoring the screwdriver for
the moment, and caught the receiver moments before it crashed to the
floor. "Keiichi," she restated, righting herself to sit on the floor,
"you're hopeless.

Wow! She called him pathetic and hopeless and still hasn't finished her
sentence. :)

  Was trying to capture some light-hearted sibling rivaly. I have yet to really get to know my older brother, so I don't know what it's like very well...

"I don't know. Be careful, okay Megumi?"

okay, Megumi

  D'oh! Thanks. :p

"Yeah, yeah..." she grumbled, giving the handle one powerful tug,
freeing it with a muffled cracking noise, and holding the screwdriver
proudly. "Hah!" she proclaimed. "Got it!" Keiichi said nothing,
providing the silence she needed to hear a very faint hissing noise from
the back of the stove.

Thought so.

  It was probably pretty obvious. :/

She frowned, dropping the screwdriver to peer over the edge behind
the stove. The cutoffs for the gas were a little lower than the upper
level of the stove,

I'd make this 'stove' an 'appliance' or something else since you use 'stove'
right before and after this.

  Good call.

Climbing onto the stove for better leverage, one of her feet nudged
the small dial on the burner from 'off' to 'high'.

Wonder if Megumi is going to move back in with Keichii after she blows up
her place.

  Well, she could always move in with her boyfriend.

  Oh, that's right, she's single.

"Megumi," Keiichi warned over the phone, "this isn't funny.

Sure it is. At least to us.

  Hadn't thought of that.

Heart racing, the streets passed in a blur of confused lights and
faint screeching tire sounds, until he skidded to a sudden halt before
her apartment, thick smoke and flames obscuring the upper levels.

I'd slice this in two as well. " apartment. Thick... obscured.'

  Right.

wrestle her unresisting form into the motorcycle's sidecar. He turned
back to face the building, and it seemed to... shudder... for a moment,
the power of the conflagration suddenly increasing tenfold, making all
of the windows shatter as the fire greedily sucked in more air.

I'd say some of the neighbors might be biting it as well if they don't move
fast. Then Megumi is going to have some heavy weight on her conscience.

  Normally, yes.

Keiichi shook his head dumbly, hearing the faint keen of approaching
sirens, and deciding

'decided' (I think)

  Well, either works, but your suggestion reads better.

youngest of the sisters had a firm suspicion that Urd was feeling
vaguely guilty over something or another. Possibly the continued
mooching off of Keiichi, but it could have been something else, too.

Probably.

  The implications... harsh!

Pulling her attention away from the eldest to the merely elder
sister, Skuld intently studied, her worried expression.

Urgh! That sounds bad. I'd reword that sentence.

  Oooh... maybe I was drunk when I wrote this. Will fix!

Belldandy was clearly troubled by it as well. And what to do about
that?

Bit awkward as well. "And what was she to do..' might be better.

  Really? This one looks fine to me. If you insist...

Before Skuld, or even Urd, could react, Belldandy was at his side,
helping Keiichi ease his sister to the floor. "Keiichi," she said
softly, her voice calm and in control, "you must lie down, you've hurt
yourself."

Bell: There's a spear sticking out of your back, for one thing.

K2: Damn! I knew I made a wrong turn at Borneo.

  There is no Hibiki/Morisato connection. Next question, please?

Two 'softly's close together. I'd drop the first.

  Done.

clothing. "This is so weird," he murmured. "I hope everything's okay..."

Urd: Oh sure. There's just third degree burns over eighty percent of her
body. No cause for alarm.

  Belldandy: Oh, no, that would be _easy_ to fix. This...

Belldandy offered him a sweet smile,

As though she could do any other.

Why it's deja vu all over again. :)

  Vu'ja de!

Everything will be okay." She released Megumi's hands, the girl now
breathing more easily. "You've hurt your ankle, Keiichi... Let me look
at it."

Bell: Oh dear. We'll have to sleep together to get the poison out.

K2: But I'm not poi... oh. Yeah. You're absolutley right. We have to get the
poison out before it's too late.

Skuld: Hey! I never heard of getting poison out that way. Are  you sure you
two aren't making that up just so I won't try to stop you?

  Hah!

Urd nodded, sharing a glance with her youngest sister before
gesturing absently, causing the young Morisato to levitate. "Go ahead
and get the futon moved, okay Skuld?"

okay, Skuld?"

  Blast! Twice in the same fic.

smoke-marked clothing -- before Urd arrived with Keiichi's sister.
Megumi's own clothing was singed, badly, and it gave Skuld a moment to
wonder at how bad the fire was, to

don't know if you need that comma

  Need? Nope. Not at all.

  But I like it. :)

Belldandy followed, too weak to do much herself, and merely ordered
the other two about, quickly stripping the unconscious girl

definitly making sure she did not get turned on in the process.

  Yikes, you guys must have 100% pure extract of ecchi for spinal fluids, I swear... will posting that theoretical Shampoo/Ranma lemon help, or only worsten the situation?

redressing her in a pair of Keiichi's older pajamas.

The ones with the stains in the crotch.

  ...

  No, that fic is going to have to just stay theoretical, methinks... Must not encourage...

And unbidden, the tears came again. How cruel, how unfair that all
of the love that Belldandy felt was echoed so hollowly through her, her
partner in the doublet system. She giggled harshly at that. Demons
weren't supposed to know who their partners were, anymore

not sure if you need that comma either

  I don't. Nor does the story... it's just my horrible over punctuated style. At least it's... er... unique. I guess.

Belldandy loved... loved so much, and it hurt, hurt so much more to
be alone and unloved still, her master hundreds of years and more gone.

Bit awkward. I'd consider rewording here slightly as well.

  Will adjust.

And slowly building, consuming her from within, the ancient anger welled
up. But she could no more destroy Belldandy then she could destroy
herself,

Actually, that's precisely what she would be doing.

  Well... yes, nominally.

She mulled over that for a moment, when an echo... a strain... a
mere glimmering of her masters

master's

  Drat.

And at long last, he was returning. "Destiny," she whispered softly,
her black wings folding around herself in a vain wish for a hug.
"Destiny, master

You might want to consider capitalizing 'Master' since she is using it as
his title.

  Good point. Will fix!

The work flowed well and it sets the mood nicely. Events are happening at a
good pace as we get a anotehr taste of the seeming doom that's to come. Nice
foreboading too. Hope to get to the other chapters eventually .

  Yes, well.... They aren't as good. :p

  Thanks for taking the time to C&C!

D.B. Sommer