Another chapter of one of my current favorites. I'll see what I can do
in the way of C&C. I didn't catch much in the way of grammar mistakes,
so this is pretty much just anything that leapt out at me in such a way
as to interupt the flow of the story or my afterthoughts.
Yes, that was what he would become, a shadow law, stalking down through
the ages and slowly shaping the world into one more to his liking. But
until he deemed the time to be right, he would refrain from altering
any significant historical events, instead quietly profiting from his
foreknowledge of them, amassing wealth, political influence, and a
secret army of loyal followers, even as he worked behind the scenes of
history to ensure his future place in it. He would raise up kings and
nations and see them cast down at their proper moments, so that the
timeline he remembered would remain relatively unaltered. And while he
did so, he would use his foreknowledge of this world's future to build
his forces throughout the many hidden corners of unrecorded history.
Then, when he deemed it to be the proper time, he could begin slowly
consolidating his control of this world under one nation to form an
empire. And when its hold over the globe was nearly complete, aided by
his efforts from the shadows, he could then quietly step in and assume
absolute control, enjoying the final steps to the final domination of
this tiny rimworld, beginning an immortal reign that would eventually
reach out across the galaxy and would last for an eternity. He would
also find a means to regain what he had sacrificed here this day, by
whatever instrumentality was necessary, to once again have a body that
was more suitable to his needs, one that was real and alive, not this
pathetic ectoplasmic puppet he was now forced to inhabit to survive.
This seems a little too much like a straight forward summary of exactly
what Kain is going to do, (or has done once we get to the future again),
rather than his thoughts. You might want to try and integrate this better
or even just do a skipping stone collage of scenes or something to show
this instead.
A good choice for a major (the major?) villain though.
arrival, Ryoko turned to face her enemy, and they clashed together in
fierce and blood-soaked battle. But, armed with the power of his holy
blade, Tenshi-ken, Yosho proved an equal match for the fearsome might
of Ryoko.
Should that be Tenshi-ken or Tenchi-ken? Not sure if the change is deliberate
for some reason. If it's a mistake it happens a few times further on as
well.
All around a nice chapter, though I would have liked to have seen some more of
Ranma, he hasn't been a major focus in either this or the last chapter really.
The twist with Gosunkugi was interesting, especially as I was expecting him to
summon some truly dark monster of some sort.
I'll be looking forward to the next chapter.