DOT EVERY T IS PROUD TO PRESENT
A Dot Every T production:
"House of Ikari"
(A Neon Genesis Evangelion fanfic)
===
Mystery Science Theater 3000 characters and situations
copywrited and property of Best Brains, Inc. Neon Genesis
Evangelion is property of Gainax and A.D. Vision
"House of Ikari" is property of Teisu, who we thank
graciously for allowing us to MST it. His WWW link can
be found at the end of this MST.
Boardwalk is no one's property until someone lands on it
and pays for it.
===
-- Satellite of Love
"But I'm ALREADY paying you!" Mike yelled into the
phone. "I know, I know, it always depends on how
much, but don't you think three thousand is quite
enough?!"
Suddenly, Tom Servo popped up in front of Cambot.
"Welcome to the Satellite of Love, folks," he
whispered. "Today, Mike found out that a stray
commsat collided with the Satellite of Love, and that
the commsat was uninsured! Let's watch as he tries to
get someone to pay for the damages!" he whispered
"Yes, fine, I honestly believe that my policy
says... yes, I'll hold." Mike sighed resignedly.
"They gotcha already if you hold, Mike," Crow piped
up from the left side. "You can't show them weakness,
buddy, they only reply to strength."
"This is almost enough to make a man build another
baking soda and vinegar bomb..."
Tom hovered to the desk to find the red light
flashing. "Well, if you want any more reason for that
Mike, the Dr. F's on the horn."
"Aww, shoot... I didn't even make an invention!
You guys have any ideas?" Mike exclaimed.
"I get all my good ideas in the kitchen," Crow
started. "Eating RAM chips is my best inspiration!"
Mike looked panicked. "Well, you answer it for a
while Tommy, while Crow and I hook something up
quickly."
"Roge-O, Arm and Hammer." Mike hit the button and
rushed toward the Satellite's galley as Tom answered
the viewscreen. "Yes, your imperial
graciousnessesessessssses?"
-- Deep Thirteen
"You're the only one there, Clearhead?" Dr.
Forrester asked the screen. "What happened to the
thin gold robot and the beefy yellowish temp-worker?"
"Ummm... they had to step out for a second to see
how much damage the Satellite took from that last
satellite, seeing as how insurance estimators find it
hard to show up..." Tom went on lamely as clunks and
bangs could be heard through the audio pick-up.
"Izzat so? What the hell do they think I am, some
sort of Mormon missionary to leave upon the doorstep?
My time is much more valuable than that, I can
guarantee that... you tell them that if they don't get
their pasty-white and/or thin golden butts out here
now, they get ANOTHER junky Neon Genesis Evangelion
post to choke on!" Dr. F threatened.
"Guys, you'd better get that invention done
quiiiicklyyyy... Dr. F's getting really belligerant
out here!" Tom called.
"We're practically done, we just have to test it!"
Mike responded.
"You'd better test it out here, Mike!!" Tom
bellowed.
"Okay, okay, here we come!" Crow yelled back. Mike
and Crow returned to the bridge of the Satellite with
a Brita water pitcher that had some strange attachment
inside the pitcher itself. "What's the hurry,
Murray?"
"The hurry, my James Deans without a clue, is the
fact that I am an EVIL mad scientist and I have things
to DO! What's the idea with wasting my time?! Now,
because I'm concerned about your health Mike, I'm
sending up some Bug-Bite Cream! I expect you to use
it, right now!" Dr. F moved away from the screen and
put a small tube in the Umbiliport, and pulled the
trigger to send it.
"I got it, Dr. F... but we don't have any bugs in
here! Why should I wear it?" Mike inquired, as he
rubbed a bit on the back of his hand. Before a couple
seconds elapsed, he saw red mosquito bites rise up on
the back of his hand, and ran again off-screen.
"Guys, what did you do with my Calamine lotion?!" Mike
asked.
"Not the slightest, we don't use it!" both 'bots
chorused.
When Mike returned, Dr. F was gloating some more.
"That's what you get for making me wait, Mike. This
is my new Bug-Bite Cream. It's not to prevent them...
it's to create them! Now show me this invention that
you didn't even create before poor lil' me went and
called you up?"
Crow pointed to the Brita pitcher, as Mike came
back with a much pinker and bandaged hand. "This,
sir, is our Musical Water Filter! We were so
impressed with musical water fountains, we figured
that we'd apply the same principle to refrigerators
across the nation! And all that matters is the kind
of water you put in!" Mike showed off a measuring cup
that was marked '70's Gold' on the outside, and
started pouring it in the pitcher. Then, he and the
two 'bots began singing along with the music...
"I'm wastin' away agin' in Margaritaville...
Searchin' for mah... lost shaker of salt!"
In Deep Thirteen, Dr. F covered his ears. "Man,
I'm sure Lassie could sing better than you three!
Doesn't it play anything else?"
The three singers stopped as Mike pulled another
measuring cup, this one marked 'Oldies'. "Sure,
sir... like we said, it depends on the water filtered.
For instance, that first cup came from the toilet.
This cup of water was melted from the ice that forms
on the outside of the satellite... and if you're
really desperate, you can do the Kevin Costner from
Waterworld..." Mike turned his back to the camera,
sighed once, and turned back around with a cup full of
yellow liquid. "...you can hear THIS!"
The filter played the first few chords of YMCA, as
Crow did the arm motions and Tom danced about. "Y...
M... C.A.! It's fun to stay at the Y... M.C.A-hey!!"
"Oh, man... and to think I was about to feel
guilty about this! Your fic for today, you barely
Barishnikovs, is a rather horrid example of a Neon
Genesis Evangelion fic! For the third time! Suck it
hard, 'cause you guys really do suck hard!" Dr. F
yelled as he queued up the 'fic.
"Hey man, cool disco light show!" Lights flashed
as Tom yelled over the din.
"No, that's FANFIC SIGN!!" Mike responded.
[6]
[5]
[4]
[3]
[2]
[1]
Disclaimer: Neon Genesis Evangelion is the property of
Studio GAINAX, and the US distribution rights belong to AD
Vision. No profit is being made nor is expected from this
work.
Mike: That's GAINAX, in big bold CAPITALS!
Crow: Hell, if Gainax couldn't make a profit, why should this
guy?
Characters such as the Geisha Aiko and other characters not
contained within the original story were invented by myself,
and any resemblence to actual characters living or dead is
purely co-incidental.
Tom: Any trace of personality in these original characters is
also co-incidental.
Mike: Like anyone living would want to admit to being these
characters
Crow: Besides, they should be flattered to be in a work like
this! Flattered, I say!
Permission is granted to redistribute this story in its
original form electronically,
Mike: Electronically? Like Morse code and facsimile machines?
Tom: Permission however is denied to redistribute this story
in the original Klingon.
Crow: And summaries may be printed on napkins and distributed
hand to hand.
as long as all accompanying disclaimers and notes are
included.
Tom: <Author> But feel free to add your own!
Mike: Party of the first part shall be known as "party of
the first part."
Crow: ALL of them, y'hear me? I want the whole long-winded
thing in there!
This fanfic contains many spoilers and was intended as a
personal fanfic to make up for the (IMHO) abysmal way the
original series ended;
Tom: <Author> It should have been... a pirate epic!
Featuring Long John Gendo and Lady Misato! With Shinji as
"The Scurvy Scalawag"!
an eagerly anticipated finale (Japanese version) left me
pissed off, discouraged and a little depressed.
Tom: <Author> Probably because I couldn't understand a darned
word of it!
Crow: Wait till he sees the director's cut.
Mike: <Author> And as my psychologist told me it was a good
thing to express your feelings... I need a hug, readers!
So yes, it's basically a feel-good story.
Crow: Today, on ABC's weekend special... The Days of
Evangelion... The troubled story of teens and the giant
robots they pilot
Tom: No fights, no blood. Just the pacific coexistence
of Angels and Evas and Gendo and Shinji and...
Mike: <angel> Sorry about the Second Impact, chaps.
Tom: <Gendo> Quite all right, ol' bean.
Several people have commented that others might enjoy it.
I polished it a little, ran it through a spell checker, read
it for the 20th time.
Tom: <Author> Who knew I could get screen burn on my eyes?
Mike: ...and then sent the rough draft. To keep C&C
interesting, y'know?
Crow: But I feel it's still missing something... Ah! I know!
A plot!
There will be 5 to 10 posts at about 1 week intervals
before the full story is posted.
Crow: There will be weekly quizzes.
Mike: 5 to 10 posts? Who is this guy? Gary Kleppe?!?
Tom: <Author> And as a special suprise, post 6-8 have been
plotted by the Random Delta Invasion Generator!
I had no idea where the story would go when I began it.
Tom: <Author> Des Moines seemed so lame, I just let it wander
about in Iowa...
Crow: <Author> And as I still don't, consistency is assured.
Mike: Free range plot, the only way to grow fanfiction
I have finished the story, but I can always add more
chapters OR even write another fanfic.
Crow: <Author> I mean, I still have all of my fingers!
Tom: Check it out, it's the author's C&C ultimatum.
Mike: <Author as Dr. Evil> Unless of course you pay me a sum
of... One! Million! Dollars!
My knowledge of Japanese culture is limited and doubtless
has many mistakes. A kind nudge in the right direction is
ok.:)
Mike: A stiff uppercut, though, is pushing it.
Tom: Mallet at the ready!
Crow: <Author> Okay... Japanese girlfriends usually yell
"DA-CHA!" and electrocute their crushes. Got it.
Tom: <Author> Limited as it is, I just had to have a geisha
and a yakuza. I HAD to.
---Warning: Contains strong sexual content in later
episodes.-----
Don't get started if you object to lemons!
Tom: Oh, now I get it why this is a 'feel-good' fic. Subtle...
This story was not originally intended as lemon, But later
episodes contain a strong sexual content of a non-violent
nature.
Mike: Meaning Asuka's NOT involved in it.
Crow: Translation: The author got horny.
Tom: Not to mention an alarming amount of MSG.
Some strong language exists, but I thought that the
situation called for it.
Crow: <Author> For instance, I just *might* have slipped the
words "virile", "vital", and "muscular" in there!
Tom: The language was aged in the vineyards of Bartles and
James an extra long time, so its flavor is full bodied...
Mike: <Author> That's right! I used HECK! I'm not proud of
it, my mother's ashamed of me but the... the HECK with her!
Yeah! Now somebody bring me some gosh darn milk!
Constructive criticism,comments, or even a kind word are
welcome at
teisu@my.host.net or
bthies@yahoo.co.jp
Crow: <Author> Because I wanted Japanese spam in MY mailbox!
Tom: Cause see he's the host and... oh never mind.
Thanks to all the other fanfic writers who gave me the
courage to try my hand at writing this.
Teisu
Mike: And here I was thinking it was Anno's fault for writing
such a horrid ending...
Tom: <Author> But don't tell my left hand! We don't want it
to know what the right is doing!
The House of Ikari
Chapter 1
Mike: After a prologue like that, who needs a fic?
Crow: Also known as 'NERV'.
Tom: SHHHH! You'll give away the surprise ending!!
Crow: After the success of their Arcade game and the
residuals from the Nintendo port, The Ikari Warriors had
fallen on hard times....
Mike: <Ikari> Well, we had to do something till the King of
Fighters series!
"Give me back my Shinji!" Misato screamed at the eerie form
of EVA Unit 1.
Tom: <Unit 1> What's the magic word?
Mike: It's the two-eyed, one horned, giant purple Shinji
eater!
Crow: But Yui just wants to spend some quality time with her
son, is that so wrong?
The empty entry plug and plugsuit were lying on the ground
in a pool of LCL.
Mike: <Misato> Or is that Asuka's home-brewed beer? I can
never tell...
Tom: But a little CLR and water gets them instantly clean!
Amazing!
Crow: That's amazingly astonishing!
Almost in answer, the nude form of Ikari Shinji was spewed
out of the EVA and lay on the ground.
Mike: Storytelling by proxy. Gotta love it.
Crow: <Unit 1> NEEDS MORE SALT.
The recovery team scrambled into action.
Shinji awoke several hours later. How long? A month!
Tom: <Author> No, sixty-four days! No, even better, five
months!
Mike: several hours later... a month.... Nope, don't get it.
Crow: <William Shatner> Next time on Emergency...
9... 1... 1...
After being poked and prodded, stuck and probed, being
wired up to every imaginable recording and sensing device
over the next several days,
Mike: ...the author concluded that it SHOULDN'T be a Tenchi
Muyo! crossover and sent Washuu-chan back to her own universe.
Tom: They finally determined that Pat WAS in fact... A
hermaphrodite.
Crow: Shinji concluded he was better off back in the Eva.
he was allowed to return with Misato to his residence.
"Instant curry with ramen? Reminds me of my first meal here.
And I thought the infirmary food was bad!"
Mike: Say good-bye to Shinji, and hello to Tom Dyron! Now get
him a damn beer!
Tom: Hell yeah!
Crow: <Shinji> Damn that health insurance plan! Whose idea
was it to send me back to Misato for convalescence?!
Misato as usual was lounging in a pair of extremely short
shorts.
Crow: <Shinji> Not that I mind but shouldn't you put a shirt
on?
Tom: <Author> Fan service, it's got to go somewhere!
Mike: Straight to the hips, we see.
"Butt floss", he thought getting an eyeful of her cheeky
buttocks protruding from under her scant clothing.
Crow: Is this supposed to be enticing or merely boring?
Mike: Cheeky buttocks? Is that like leggy legs?
Tom <singing> Shin-ji likes cheeky buts alright! It's
something that he can't deny!
"It's so good to have you back!" Misato oozed, probably due
to the 4 beers she had consumed while preparing her
trademark instant dinners.
Crow: Misato drunk after 4 beers? That's way OOC...
Tom: Yes! It's Misato Brand Instant Dinners! Try our duck
in white-wine! Or our steak in cognac! Hell, just take our
burgers soaked with beer!
Mike: She had her Yebisu replaced with a fine Australian
table wine.
Asuka was her usual fiery self, "I suppose you want your
room back!"
Crow: <Misato> Nah, yours is a lot roomier. Besides, doesn't
that squeaky mattress drive you nuts? Yours is soooo much
quieter!
Tom: And Shinji and Misato all roasted marshmellows while
Asuka's fire raged...
"Sorry, but where am I supposed to sleep?" apologized
Shinji.
Mike: <Asuka> Ooh, I'm getting a vision... yes, I see it
now... it's Shinji, with his pillow and teddy bear, on the
FLOOR!
Crow: How can you apologize in a question? Though I guess
if anyone can, it'd be Shinji.
Suddenly the Major was speaking. "Get your stuff out of his
room, and do it now!
Mike: I knew ADV would work their catch phrase in the
translation some place.
Tom: Meanwhile, the Minor was trying to bribe a passing adult
to buy him beer and a Penthouse.
"And find get his SDAT Player and tapes for him too. You did
what! Well get them back or you will be doing dishes and
chores for the next month to pay for their replacement!"
Tom: Uh-oh, Misato's talking to herself...That's a sign of
insanity...
Crow: Misato really needs some happy pills to repress that
second personality.
Mike: <Asuka> So instead of risking my life in battle, I
could wash dishes instead? Gee, tough choice....
Asuka decided that a slightly drunk and angry Major
Katsuragi was nothing to argue with and left the table.
Crow: <Asuka> I'm gonna go find me a better sober argument!
Mike: <Asuka> But I paid for an argument! This is just
contradiction!
Tom: <Misato> No it isn't!
While Misato drank a few more beers and got a little too
close and gushy, Shinji noticed that Asuka was moving a great
deal of material.
Tom: <Asuka> What's the deal with airplane peanuts?!?
Crow: <Shinji> Been done.
Tom: <Asuka> No respect! I don't get any respect!
Crow: <Shinji> Nope, try again.
Videotapes, CD's, books, school uniforms, underwear,
pillows, and video games were carried across the hall and
unceremoniously dumped on the floor in her room.
Mike: Because that's the best way to treat videos, video
games, and CDs.
Crow: The Real World in Tokyo-3
Tom: This must be a Third Impact fic, everyone is nice and
gushy here...
Crow: That's funny, this fic has absolutely no impact on ME.
A few minutes later, Misato performed inspection, of
Ikari's quarters.
Mike: Misato found Asuka's secret stash of commas.
"Sweep and mop it as well", she growled at Asuka.
Tom: It's "This Old Home", with Asuka Soryuu Langley!
Crow: <Misato> And don't forget to recarpet the place... and
after you're done, restore the hardwood floors!
Mike: <Asuka, muttering> I'll sweep and mop you....
"But."
"You'll do the windows too, if you don't put my underwear
back! The silk ones with the lace trim - especially!"
Tom: <Misato> But I already did the windows! What do you
think I needed your underwear for in the first place!
Mike: Does anyone else wonder why Asuka is talking all of this
calmly?
Crow: Nice to know the author stuck to the formula of angels
and EVA units. This is EXACTLY what Anno should've written!
Shinji looked up at Asuka as she turned a brilliant shade of
crimson complementing her red hair. Shinji blushed.
Mike: That'll complement her even more.
Tom: Too much red tint. Hey, stop playing with the fic's
color!
"There, there, Shinji-chan," Misato cooed.
"Perverts" said Asuka, getting back to her chores.
Crow: Misato's cooing? And with Asuka acting like Kasumi...
what's the deal here?
Tom: <Author> To get that nice happy feeling I had to rewire
some of the personalties...
Mike: <Author> Be sure to watch out for Bubbly Air head Rei,
and Surfer Dude Gendo to appear later!
Crow: Narly!
Tom: [singing] Beach Blanket Gendo! Beach Blanket Gendo!
An hour later, Shinji lay quietly in his room, no tape
player to distract him, listening to Misato and Asuka each
laying claim to various pieces of apparel.
Tom: <Asuka> I call the crotchless ones!
Crow: <Misato> But I get dibs on the leathers!
Mike: <Misato> Okay, but the Hello Kitty shirt is mine I
tell you. Mine!
Crow: <Misato> The men's business suits are mine!
Tom: <Asuka> Why?
Crow: <Misato> Because George Zimmer said so!
Misato knocked a few minutes later. " It's good to have
you back," she whispered. "Asuka is also pleased, although
she is too proud to admit it." "Sleep peacefully, Shinji-
chan."
Crow: <Asuka> Thank you for rescuing me! But the Princess is
in another castle!
Tom: For beneath her mean and bitchy exterior lies a heart
of Formica....
Mike: So how did the argument end? Who got the most clothes?
Why can't this fic show us this stuff? And why do I care?
"Ikari!" Touji yelled. Asuka called this morning and asked
me to bring this. The batteries are new, and you can even
have the tapes I bought for it".
Crow: Well if it isn't my old friend, Toji McGreg, with a leg
for an arm and arm for a leg!
Tom: Man, even 'Relationships' dealt with time better than
this!
Mike: If the author's not going to draw distinctions between
several hours and a month, I doubt much of an effort would be
made to say that Shinji slept for a night...
"Boy, are you pale! Have you spent the past month in
the hospital?"
Crow: <Shinji> No, on the internet. Heh, thank you!
Tom: Shinji, closet Everquest addict
"I don't remember anything except the battle and waking up
3 days ago."
Tom: Oh great, an amnesia angle.
Crow: Maybe they'll hit him on the head to help bring his
memory back...
Mike: <Shinji> I have the strangest craving for Tang(tm)
though...
"Welcome back anyway."
The teacher entered, the class arose in unison and bowed.
"I see that for once in a long time everyone is present",
remarked the teacher. "Please be seated and let's begin.
Crow: Hey, that class just appeared out of thin air...I cry
foul!
Tom: Shenanigan! Shenanigan!! I declare that this fic is
pulling a shenanigan!
Mike: Don't complain. At least the story is going someplace
now.
Tom: Yeah, the road to nowhere.
The day was pretty much like any other; the teacher was
asked a question about the Second Impact and proceeded to
spend the entire day lecturing on it.
Mike: <teacher> The Second Impact was caused by... anyone,
anyone? It was caused by a meteor that landed in... anyone,
anyone? It landed in...
Crow: <Author> I don't care if every other NGE fic has done
the second impact joke! Mine is better!
Tom: By the end of the day, the spitball count was fifty-seven
and the number of book droppings and pencil whippings had
risen to new heights.
Mike: Not to mention the mechanical pencil garden in the
acoustic tiles...
Touji sat smugly in his pride of being able to manipulate
the teacher to a no-brainer subject.
Tom: Sadly, despite how far the Japanese education system has
fallen, the US one still lags behind...
Crow: Okay... if Toji outsmarts you, I think you have a
definite learning disability.
Mike: He gets their sympathy considering his sick sister has
to carry him to school now.
Asuka sat studying Kanji, hoping the teacher didn't notice,
Rei sat at attention patiently listening, Kensuke was
stealing glances at a pair of legs carelessly (?) left
exposed.
Tom: <Author> Setting... check.
Crow: <Kensuke> Wow, Shinji's gams are to die for!
Mike: <Kensuke> Okay! Who left these legs here?
Tom: <Kensuke> Toji's protheses are SO sexy!
Shinji was looking through the laptop computer at the
material missed during his absence, to his surprise a
message appeared.
Tom: <voice> Do you enjoy seeing unspeakably horrific photos
of hideously ugly women naked?
Crow: <Shinji> AHHHHHHHH!!!
Mike: <Teacher> Do I hear the sounds of someone using AIM?
Detention!
" Thank you, Ikari-sama. "
Crow: Now the fic flashes to Gendo's office! About time!
Mike: And suddenly Gendo appears out of thin air...How very
odd...
Shinji was surprised at the use of the high title used
with his name.
Tom: Is anyone else disturbed at the idea of Shinji being
called a god?
Crow: <Shinji> Aw, come on, teach. You know I want to be
called Pooky-sama!
"Thanks for what?" he typed back.
"For my life, for those in this school and all on the
earth."
Crow: Well, at least the fic is being upfront with it's uber-
Shinji....
Mike: <Shinji> Well, I know I'm a stud but really...
Tom: [singing] Did you ever knoooow that you're my
HEEEEEERROOO!!
Crow: This must be the special Carl Macek Eva that he's
producing for ADV.
"Who is this?"
Crow: Dave!
Tom: Dave's not here, man!
Mike: <computer> Signed... Duo Maxwell.
"I pledge my life to you."
CONNECTION ENDED
Tom: <Shinji> Damn! And I was just about to ask her to
cyber too!
Crow: Wow, this fic handled computers as realistically as
Hackers!
Mike: Is this the 'House of Ikari'?
Crow: It's not the Garden of Allah, that's for sure.
Tom: Hell, this ain't even the International House of
Pancakes.
"...And that concludes today's lesson." "Class dismissed"
The class arose and bowed.
Crow: Didn't know japanese schools only had one class per
day.
Mike: There's culture note number one... The only bows you
see in school usually belong to Sailor Senshi as they're
beating up a youma.
Tom: Wow, the day just seems to fly by when your reading
this fic....
"Guess what!" grinned Kensuke, "Asuka's wearing black lace
underwear! Got a good look too!"
Crow: <Asuka> Glad you like it. Now die!
Tom: <Shinji> Uh-oh... *blush*... there I go again... *blush
blush*....
Mike: Kensuke strikes me as a rather pathetic and passive
version of Ataru Moroboshi in this fic...
Crow: Sadly that means he's the most IC of all the characters
so far.
"AND WHAT ARE THE THREE STOOGES DISCUSSING TODAY?" exclaimed
Asuka from behind them.
Mike: <Shinji> The theory of cream pies and the anatomy of
eye pokes. Why?
Tom: Here's hoping a pie fight breaks out.
"Asuka, Misato will be pissed, at you wearing her clothes!
Especially after yesterday!" said Shinji.
Crow: <Asuka> She'll be just as pissed at you wearing her
clothes!
Tom: Shinji, why are you talking like Shatner?
"Liar! These ARE my clothes!
"You shouldn't call Ikari-san a liar". Rei stood quietly
next to Shinji.
Crow: <Rei> Use some imagination! Call him a low down, dirty
dealing, sewage sucking, liar liar pants on fire, SCUMBAG!
Mike: Okay fic, Rei has an EXCUSE to act passive... and we'll
grant you Shinji too. But why everyone else?
Tom: But Asuka wasn't calling Gendo a liar... Rei always
calls Shinji Ikari-kun. Even the honorifics are OOC.
Crow: I think NURV outsoruced it's latest batch of Rei clones
to China...
Mike: That would explain the faint reek of Communistic
intentions.
"Asuka, I didn't know you owned anything b..b..black!"
Shinji stammered.
Tom: <Shinji> Buh-buh... buh-buh-buh-buh... buh-buh...
buh-BUH-buh...
Mike: Umm, why? Its a fairly common color for clothes...
Crow: And the deep dark secret of SHinji is let out, for he
is secretly one-fourth Dudley...
Tom: <Shinji> I had your pegged as a pink lady! NO WAIT,
THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEANT... AHHHHH!!!
"Why you pervert!" Asuka swung and caught Shinji on the side
of the face, the skin numbing and then stinging from the
force of the blow.
Crow: Really? And here I thought a slap felt great!
Mike: <Shinji as Jamison> She hitted me! She hitted me hard!
Tom: Nice tag! Mind attacking Kensuke now? You know, the
one who was LOOKING at your underwear in the FIRST PLACE?
Mike: Who cares? We finally had some action! Woo hoo!
Asuka felt the room spin as the force of the slap spun her
head and dropped her to her knees.
Tom: <Asuka> I lost on Jeopardy?!
Mike: Ooo-kay. We have two alternatives here. Either the
author can't even take the time to track his own characters,
or Shinji attacked back...
Crow: Shinji's been wired for force feedback, baby!
"Apologize to Ikari-san," said Rei quietly.
The remaining students in the class stood dumbfounded.
Tom: So much for their highfalutin education.
Mike: <students> Wait a minute... Shinji was slapped but
Asuka fell down...???
Crow: Wow, it's almost as if Rei used her AT field to push
Asuka back....
Mike: Rei's making a comeback from that bad role in "Clonus
Two: The Revenge of Darren Stevens #2"
"I would rather die than do that!" Asuka cried, getting up
and moving out of range.
Mike: Moving out of range? Is this the result of a NGE RPG
session?
Crow: <Rei> I see... pardon me a moment while I find an opener
for this can of whoop ass....
Tom: Ayanami Rei, trained in combat martial arts by Raiu
himself...
Crow: <Raiu> Okay, use the not-a-dragon punch on her to
finish her!
"Then I will do it for you." Rei replied.
Rei faced Shinji and then to everyone's amazement knelt on
the floor with head down, arms extended in front of a very
self-conscious young man.
Tom: <Shinji> Re-ii! Not HERE! There're PEOPLE present!
Crow: And so the lemon part of the fic finally begins...
Mike: Sadly this Rei was just off warranty, and was starting
act a bit wonky.
"Ikari-sama, please forgive this disrespect, we know you
serve and protect us.
Crow: <Shinji> My name is Shinji Friday. I'm a cop.
Tom: [singing] Shinji the cop is on the take, but what do you
expect with the money he makes?
Mike: <Rei> And even though you've done a crappy job at it,
and have run away like a coward twice already, we still know
you're trying your best... honest.
You have honored us with your presence today and we have not
remembered your service and have permitted you to come to
harm".
Crow: <Shinji> Ix-nay on the ervice-say, ei-Ray!
Tom: Is it my imagination or is Shinji a Jehovah's Witness
now?
Mike: <Shinji> Uh, w-w-watchtower? W-watchtower anyone?
Shinji stood in amazement at this pronouncement and briefly
had an image of his father towering over him the day he first
piloted EVA-01.
Tom: <Gendo> I'm HUGE!
Crow: WHILE piloting the Eva? It's the attack of the fifty-
foot Gendo!
Tom: Gendo is friend to all Children!
Mike: [singing] Gen-do, Gen-do! Gen-do is really neat...
Gen-do is full of meat... we all love you Gen-en-DO!
"What was going on?"
Crow: There's many theories, but none of them seem to fit.
Tom: <Shinji> My boxers, before SOMEONE interrupted me!
Mike: This fic is made in the impressonistic French style,
so nothing at all makes sense
Shinji responded, fumbling for the appropriate answer. "I
accept your apology, no harm has occurred, Ayanami-san".
Rei still knelt prostate.
Crow: <Shinji> No harm, no foul... but three strikes and I
walk!
Tom: <Rei> Don't you mean you're out?
Crow: <Shinji> That too!
Mike: Shinji fumbled the answer... Asuka recovers the fumble
and runs it back! She at the 30... the 20... the 10...
TOUCHDOWN!!!
"Please get up". Still there was no response.
Mike: <Rei> ZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzz...
Tom: <Rei> Psst! Shinji! My knees are locked! Create a
diversion while I crawl out of here!
Crow: <Shinji> Okay. If you won't get up, how's about we
get down!
Mike: Ikari Shinji *IS* Disco Gunner!
Rei reached out touching his shoes. " I pledge you my life -
Ikari-sama."
Crow: <Rei> Say, these are nice! Air Jordans?
Tom: <Shinji> Nah, Hushpuppies.
Mike: <Author> Ritsuko 56:12-14 - Lo, in the day which
followed, there was much rejoicing. The SAVIOR looked down
upon his subjects with a healthy blush on his face as his
apostle Asuka forsook him...
Crow: And now I shall read from the book of Shinji 3:16.
"I just whined on your ass..."
Asuka opened and then closed her mouth.
Tom: <Asuka> Bud...
Mike: <Rei> Weis
Crow: <Shinji> Coors
"Go home everyone, there's nothing more to see," said
Shinji reaching down to help Rei get up. Rei got up and
followed Shinji out the door.
Crow: <Rei> *pant pant* Can we play with the ball now?
Huh, can we?! Can we can we?!
Tom: <Shinji> Not 'till after your walk!
"She what? " exclaimed Misato.
Crow: <Misato> Damn that Maya!
Mike: Did Misato just pop out of thin air, or did we have a
scene change?
Tom: At this rate, I bet both.
" I can't get her to go home, said Asuka, "She followed him
home, has helped him study, washed his clothes, scrubbed his
back and threatened me.
Mike: <Asuka> She's even marked her terrority!
Tom: If life had justice, Fran Drescher would be playing Rei
Ayanami in this fanfic right now.
"Hmm, Rei?"
"Yes, Major?"
Tom: What, are we stuck in Hee-Haw mode now?
Crow: <Misato> This fiberglass hay is KILLING me.
Mike: <Rei> At least Big Shirtless Jim didn't make a pass at
you.
"What brought this on?"
"She struck Ikari-sama."
Mike: <Misato> So?
Crow: <Rei> I wanted my shot at Gendo first!
Tom: Anyone nostalgic over Asuka and Hikari's relationship
at this rate?
Crow: Hey, at this point I'm missing the Lisa Foster/Rei
relationship...
Misato was startled at the statement. Rei was calling Shinji
her master.
Crow: More of "That Nutty Gendo Mind-Control Ray!" after a
word from our sponsor...
Tom: All the goo from the Third impact has gone to Rei's
brain!
"I see, please elaborate."
"He made a comment about my clothes," said Asuka.
Mike: <Asuka> H-he called me the white RuPaul!
Crow: My, my...For being an non-existant object the
nothingness sure is chatty in this fic.
Tom: Yeah, should it be kicking Fantasia's ass about now?
"Something about black." Rei added.
Misato reddened, She lunged forward and flipped Asuka's
skirt up
Tom: <Misato> I smell sex and candy here. Hmm...
Crow: <Misato> Ooh! Fresh!
Mike: Rei must be using that wacky New Math here...
and then yelled, "Get out of them right now!" "Damn you,
and I have a date later this evening!" Misato dropped the
hem of the skirt.
Crow: Misato is like Lum, only has a single pair of
underwear.
Tom: And Misato proceded to make alterations to Asuka's
outfit, turning it from a drab Sailor Suit into a winning
Chanel number.
Mike: So there's blushing, underwear... Rei as Love Slave
#5...
Crow: No, fanfic.... you can be redeeming any time now, we
won't stop you.
Asuka gingerly stepped out of the underwear and tried to
hand them to Misato, who ignored her efforts.
Crow: <Misato> You keep 'em, I'm bitter.
Mike: Asuka, a closet exhibitionist? Damn, my money was on
Rei.
Tom: Man, why couldn't thing like this happen in *my*
classes!
"I want them back clean!" yelled Misato, "now go put your
own on, unless you want to risk entertaining everyone with
an improper move!"
Tom: <Misato> Like a failure to yield on a left turn!
Crow: Like taking off your underwear in public and handing
them to someone IS a proper move?
Mike: Ugh, don't tell me Asuka is going to start doing the
Dirty Bird?
Asuka moved to comply, too slowly for Misato who yelled,
"On the double!"
Tom: <Misato> I DEMAND FULL COMPLIANCE!
Crow: <Asuka> Iyaa! Less whip!
Mike: My, my...Does anyone get the feeling this author
doesn't like Asuka?
Crow: And with that Misato had Asuka run through the NURV
obstacle course without any panties on...
As Asuka dashed for her room, and her skirt rode up
revealing her backside to a surprised Shinji and chuckling
Misato.
Tom: <Shinji, singing> Fly me to the moon...
Mike: Baby got back! Uhh!
Crow: <Misato> Public humiliation is funny! Tee-hee!
Tom: Wow, couldn't see that one coming...Nope, not at all...
"I'll drive you home, Rei."
"Major, you are intoxicated, it is best for me to remain
here."
Mike: <Rei> Shinji don't cotton to long-distance
worshipping.
Tom: <Showman> Yes..The new Rei Mark V comes with a
Breathlizer as a standard feature!
Crow: So Misato gets drunk BEFORE her dates. That explains
a lot, really.
Mike: <Misato> *BURP*
Driving under the influence while carrying an EVA pilot was
an offence likely to get one shot.
Tom: Of whiskey? Or vermouth?
Crow: ...at the big time!
Mike: Wow, the way this fic was making up rules out of thin
air you'd almost think NERV was run by the Chinese Amazons.
Tom: Well, just declare an angel attack and use the
resulting evacuation to drive however the hell you want!
Crow: I still think that this is a Macross fic that's just
badly translated.
Misato sighed. "Fine. Shinji can sleep on the couch and you
can have his room."
Crow: <Misato> But NO sneaking around my underwear drawer!
I don't need an eleventh panty thief!
Tom: Why doesn't Misato just let Rei have her futon? Since
she's going on a date, won't need it herself.
Mike: <Misato> I guess we'll put the rest of the beer in the
other fridge... PenPen, you're with me tonight
Tom: <Asuka> So I cleaned up Shinji's room just so Wonder
Girl can use it?
"That is not acceptable, I will sleep outside his room,
unless he wishes to bed me."
Crow: <Shinji a la Jim Carrey> Gee... let me think... uh...
sure!
Mike: <Shinji, whiny> But I wanted to pillow you! Awwwwww!
Tom: Sadly Rei didn't make a good piece of furniture, and
collapsed under the weight as Shinji tried to sleep on her.
"He is just a boy, Rei!"
"He is a warrior and a soldier, and has fought to protect
you as well." He is entitled to a woman to comfort him."
Crow: Just another day in the life of Shinji Ikari,
International Man of Mystery.
Tom: <Shinji> Have I mentioned how much I *love* this
woman?!
Crow: Again misses the fact that that's exactly what Asuka
and she herself does... And you'd think sacrficing herself
for him would be enough, but no-oooo.
Mike: <author> I get my fic ideas from Rush Limbaugh... You
take that you feminazi Asuka!
"Shit!" This argument couldn't be won.
Mike: Yes, "Shit" is very irrefutable and a brilliant
comeback for any situation.
Crow: Flipping the bird usually gets the message across
pretty well, too.
Tom: Wow, the cebreal game of chess played here is so
intersting...
Mike: Actually, this argument can be won quickly. Misato,
it's YOUR DAMN HOUSE. YOU are in control here.
Shinji stood there wondering what to do then realized that
he had an erection. His movements to cover himself only made
it that much more apparent.
Tom: <Rei> Ooh, may I kiss your Spear of Longinus?
Mike: <Shinji, under his breath> Damn, from this angle Rei
looks like Kaworu... yum.
Rei and Misato said nothing.
Tom: <Rei> Nothing.
Mike: Awkward pause, anyone?
Crow: They were occupied doing... other things..
"Ikari-sama, what are your wishes?"
Shinji glanced at Misato then Rei. " I am going to my room
-alone."
Mike: <Shinji> ...cause no one's better in bed than me!
Crow: Ah ha, so this is a I Dream of Jeannie crossover as
well!
Tom: <Rei> I shall give you three wishes Ikari-sama!
Rei nodded, "Then I will guard your door."
Mike: <Rei> And spitshine your doorknob.
Tom: <Rei> I shall use the self defence skills I learned
from Video Games!
Crow: Hmm... this smacks of Jubei-chan... with Rei as
Koinnosuke...
Mike: Scary thing is Shinji would probably like wearing the
lovely eyepatch.
Misato picked up her cell phone, dialed, paused, mumbled
about something that had just came up, and that she had to
cancel the date.
Crow: <Misato> It may be the booze talking, but drop dead.
Tom: <Misato, under her breath> I've got a front row seat to
some hot underaged action. Can't miss that!
Mike: <Misato> Sorry, I can't make it tonight. Shinji came
up.
Tom: <Misato> Oh, why? Umm... Shinji's got worms. Real bad.
I need to take him to the vet immediately.
Misato woke to the sound of a large THUMP and then Asuka
crying. "What the hell?"
Crow: <Asuka> The space-time continuum flash-froze and made
a hole in my floor! Waah!!
Tom: <Asuka> I dreamed I slept with Junkyard Dog! It was
HORRIBLE!
Mike: 'Kay, place your bets... what time is it? Midnight,
three AM, mid-afternoon... place your bets!
Stumbling out of bed and fumbling for a light switch, she
went into the hall to find Asuka bawling on the floor.
Tom: Poor kid. Fanfic finally got to her.
Crow: <Misato> That's better. But you need to cry more if
you want the floor to truly shine!
Mike: Wow, this is such a nice and happy fic now that Asuka
has broken down for no reason... nice and happy!
Rei was standing quietly over her. "You may not enter
unless you are invited, Second Child."
Crow: <Asuka> But I have the Golden Ticket!
Mike: <Asuka> Oh, I get it. *crinkle* Here's a fifty.
Tom: <Rei> Ah, by all means, enter Second Child!
"It's 3am, Asuka! What are doing up at this hour?"
"I wanted to know if the great Shinji-sama was porking
Wonder Girl here."
Mike: <Misato> Shinji, do you have any bacon?
Crow: <Shinji> No.
Mike: <Misato> Are you hitting Rei with the bacon you don't
have?
Crow: <Shinji> No.
Mike: <Misato> Happy now? Now go to BED, Asuka.
" His orders were to sleep alone, however, if you had wished
to bed him, you should have said so earlier," said Rei
calmly.
Crow: What the hell? Is Rei Shinji's love receptionist?
Tom: <Rei> We have a tight schedule to keep for Shinji's
bedding times.
Mike: <Rei> You should have made a reservation... however,
if you wait here, I'll try to squeeze you in for... let's
see... four-thirty alright for you?
Crow: Rei knows what 'porking' means? Can this fic get
more OOC?
"I would never!"
"Give it up Asuka, he may have a harem before the week is
out," yawned Misato.
Mike: <Asuka> If the contrivances keep piling up, YOU'RE
next! So there!
Crow: Whoa... whoa... I call foul! Misato is taking this way
too calmly!
Tom: Shinji? Harem? BWAHAHAHAHA!!!
Crow: <Misato> Like, get with it, Asuka! Everybody's doing
him these days! Stop living in the dark ages, gah!
"Are you injured?"
"I guess not, she used a hip throw and I landed on my butt."
Crow: And we all know how much a cushion Asuka's butt is...
Mike: <Asuka> Fortunately, I used to be a professional
wrestler so I know how to fall.
"If you disturb the house before 6am, I will expect Rei to
beat you up quietly."
Crow: <Asuka> Hmm, I have the sneaking suspicion I'm being
persecuted against...
Tom: <Author> Did I mention I hate Asuka and love Shinji
yet?
Mike: <Misato> But be sure to wear easily torn clothing and
sexy underwear so Lord Shinji can enjoy the show from his room.
Tom: Well at least we know Vince Russo is still making a
living out there by writing crappy Eva fics
"Yes, Major," nodded Rei.
"Go to sleep and leave me alone!" was heard from Shinji's
room.
Tom: <Shinji> My wake-up call is 7:30 AM! SEVEN-THIRTY AM!!
Crow: <Kaworu> So just leave us in peace!
Asuka vanished into her room until morning and didn't come
out until Shinji was out of the bathroom.
Mike: So, late afternoon?
Crow: Early morning? The evening? The year 2042?
Tom: <Asuka> Ahhh! I love the aroma of a freshly used
bathroom!
Crow: <Asuka> Clean the floor, Asukarella. Wipe the tub,
Asukarella. I'm not your slave!
Rei, later that week at NERV, addressed the Commander.
Mike: <Rei> Yoo-hoo, Gen-chan! Howarya, baby?
"Commander Ikari, I am requesting money to purchase some
personal items."
Tom: <Gendo> We've discussed this, Rei, no more Faberge
eggs!
Crow: <Rei> Three pounds of chocolate, a pair of nail-
clippers, and an IUD.
Mike: <Rei> Large box of condoms, bottle of Old Harper, and
one disposible enema. Nah, make it two.
"Such as?"
"Kimonos, several obis, fans, slippers, and a tea service."
Tom: <Rei> Fifty yards of high-tensile silk, a Totoro costume,
and a bushel of freshly squeezed lemons... and a pie.
Crow: <Misato, hissing> And don't forget a pair of black
silk panties! Black silk panties!
How much money are we talking about?
"About 10 million yen."
Mike: <Gendo> Sure! I can embezzle that much in... oh, about
fifteen days.
Tom: <Gendo> Another weekend in Vegas?
Crow: Wow, inflation sure is a killer in Tokyo-3...
Tom: Kiddie rides in EVA-01 rake in that much.
"That is a large sum of money. "
"What relevance is this to piloting an EVA?"
Mike: I have the same question, except replace "piloting an
EVA" with "this fanfic".
Crow: Gotta love Gendo...At least he has some sense in this
fic.
Tom: <Rei> Well, I was thinking of getting speakers in the
back, flames painted down the sides, an espresso machine in
the cockpit....
Crow: <Rei> They are for the EVA. It is to scare the Angels.
"I believe these items will enhance the ability of all of
your pilots to function as a team."
Mike: <Gendo> Then explain the handcuffs.
Crow: <Gendo> But teamwork isn't part of the Human
Instrumentality project!
Tom: <Rei> They're called bennies and boy do they buzz!
"That will be all, Rei."
"Yes, Sir."
"Major Katsuragi!"
"Yes, Sir?"
Tom: <Misato> Shut up Rei, that's me.
Mike: Present three bags! Full!
"I am setting up an account for the Pilots, you will assist
the First Child in handling the funds. If morale and
performance improve, the practice will continue, if not, it
won't.
Tom: However, should morale decline, the beatings will
continue until performance is Shakespearian!
Crow: ... umm, so Shinji is opening a law firm now?
Tom: <Author> Behold my ultimate Fusion... Gendo Brown!
Mike: <Misato> Hey everyone! Gendo's giving out money! Get
it while he's OOC!
I understand that Rei has left her assigned quarters and
has relocated at your residence. The sync ratios of the
Children have recently shown improvement, I will allow
this."
Tom: <Gendo> I also note that it is raining. I suppose I
shall let Mother Nature slide this once...
Crow: Umm, in NGE sync ratios aren't affected by _that_.
Has this become a Vandread crossover too?
Mike: And since when did Gendo feel the need to explain his
decisions? Gawd damn it, what happened to the stone cold SOB
I used to know!?
" I don't think you really understand, " thought Misato.
"Although I don't understand why Asuka would actually
improve," she mused.
Crow: <Misato> What with all the sarcasm and constant
putdowns I've inflicted on her over the years....
Tom: At least somebody is thinking in this fic, even though
it's completely backwards.
Mike: Might as well take a break, guys, before attacking more
of this...
--Satellite of Love
"Who's the man in the big bad plugsuit!" Both
'bots whispered. "Who's the sex machine that knows
his LCL? Who's the big bad mo'fo' who handles the
clones with a smile!" Cambot centered on Tom's
gumball head.
"Why, it's Shinji!" he hissed.
From stage left came Mike dressed in a skin-tight
blue and white jumpsuit. He wore a hairpiece with
short black hair, and a pick stuck through it. At
right, Gypsy entered wearing a short blue wig. "Hey,
babee!" Mike yelled. "How do you like your action?!"
"Oooh, I like it hard, fast, and with some fries
on...tha...side!" Gypsy responded. "Know where I can
find some?"
"Yeah, I'm pretty sure I can figure it out..." Mike
trailed off. "Uhh... aw man, I just can't do it! Go
find a good book to read, Rei, and take a nice warm
bath... I just can't go through with it!" Mike wailed,
pulling on his hair. Gypsy exited all in a huff.
"Oooh, that Shinji is just soooooooo smooth!" both
'bots whispered once again.
"Hey, stranger..." This time, Gypsy had on a black
wig and a chain around her tube-neck with a cross on
it. "Would you like a Yebisu? I think you're pretty
hot!" Gypsy opened her mouth and offered Mike a can.
"Yeah, I can dig it. Got some oysters we could, I
dunno, suck on for a while?" Mike sidled up to her and
grabbed the yellow can from her mouth.
"I can swing it partner, your place or mine?" Gypsy
responded.
"But we live in the same house, and.... oh, I just
can't do it! I'm sorry, Misato, I'm not what you
want! I use and abuse women, and just make their
lives a living heck! There, I said it, HECK! I make
their lives HECK! I can't do this!" Mike sobbed into
his hands.
"What a shame... Too damn smooth, yet just too shy to
score," Tom started.
"Such is the plight of the modern-day..." Crow dangled,
so that Tom could catch up...
"Sensitive Gigolo!"
Then the lights started flashing. Mike, as Shinji, hit the
button... "We have FANFIC SIGN!!"
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