} Date: Mon, 20 Aug 2001 10:05:18 -0500
} From: Donald Lee Granberry <noharness@mac.com>
Well. This seems like a good fic to get back to C&Cing
with. ;)
My opinions, for what they're worth.
} Brief mention is made of Sensei Koyama Takako. Koyam-
} sensei is the current headmaster of the Yoshin-ryuu.
}
} No insult of Koyama-sensei or the Toshin-ryuu is
} intended by mentioning them in this story.
The Yoshin-ryuu, on the other hand, deserves all the abuse
you give it? ;)
} There is a fine line of distinction between what one's
} senses relay, and what the mind apprehends. The senses often
} relay far more information than the mind bothers to notice.
} This is good for it allows us to ignore the distant boom-box
} or the smell of automobile exhaust until they present an
} actual hazard to our well-being. It is bad because we fail to
} hear all of the music having become inured to noise. We fail
} to notice the difference when the butter used to make the
} cookies is fresh, because we live in a city full of
} automobiles filling the air with their exhaust.
I found this paragraph a bit awkward. It seems asymmetrical
(too much emphasis on the "it is bad" clause), and the
points aren't entirely clear. I'd suggest using a single
example:
This is good, for it allows us to filter out as noise
the annoying presence of a distant boom-box. It is also
bad, for all too often the same mechanism also disposes
of the soft sound of birdsong.
Or something similar.
} Ranma Saotome's senses did not become much sharper
} because he was now a dragon part of the time.
I'd suggest "It was not that Ranma's Saotome's senses had
sharpened now that he was a dragon part of the time," or
something like that. You want to convey that his perception
is better now, just that it's not linked to an increase in
his actual senses.
} He knew Akane was nearby because he could smell her,
} hear her breathing, and feel the warmth emanating from her
} body. She lay on the futon next to his. For some reason, this
} news did not alarm him at all. He found that confusing. Why
} shouldn't he be worried? Oh, yes. Tofu! Tofu had told him
} something about taking a trip out to the country. Something
} about riding in the old ambulance a friend of his had bought
} from the fire department. Retired ambulances could always be
} had for bargain prices in Japan. Virtually no one wanted
} anything to do with something a person might have died in.
} Elderly Japanese would often refuse to even ride to a
} hospital in one. Ranma remembered the early part of the ride
} now. Tofu had put him on a bed built into the ancient,
} rattling rig rather than a gurney. He remembered that it
} still held the faint odor of a hospital. The boxlike vehicle
} still reeked of antiseptics and medicines he could not
} identify. Maybe it had been the residual ki left by previous
} passengers. He shuddered at the memory of riding in the
} thing.
Perhaps "boxlike vehicle reeked of", to cut down on some
repetition.
You also might want to consider removing the discussion
about the Japanese perspective on ambulances. It's a bit
expository and unnecessary, so I find it a bit distracting.
} "I'd like that," Akane murmured around a sunny smile,
} then winced when she tried to shift her weight.
You go from speech to action in this sentence, and it seems
a bit off to me, though I can't tell you which if any
grammar rule it breaks. ;) You've also used 'murmured' a
bit in the past few paragraphs, so I'd suggest something
like:
"I'd like that." Akane gave him a sleep smile, then
winced as she tried to shift her weight.
} "I'll go warm up the bath," Onna-Ranma said as he
} slowly got up to his feet. "I'll bet no one thought to fire
} it up last night."
"slowly got to his feet."
} Akane smiled at Onna-Ranma again. Making him feel as
} though he were sitting out in the sun, even though they were
} indoors on a cold, gray day. A wave of dizziness washed over
} him and he leaned up against the door-frame for support.
"Onna-Ranma again, making him feel" (no new sentence -- the
second sentence is a fragment.)
} "Hmmph!" Onna-Ranma snorted. "Wait'll ya see what's
} waitin' in the mirror for YOU."
AKANE: Ooo! My very own mirror-clone?
} Ranma was grateful to find that he and Akane had been
} given a room on the ground floor. Akane was in no shape to be
} negotiating stairs. His mother's doing, he decided. The furo
} turned out to be something of a surprise. It was huge, and
} very well appointed. He found the water heater after a bit of
} searching. It was hidden from easy view, being hidden in a
} closet.
That last sentence is rather repetitious. Perhaps: "It was
hidden from easy view, tucked away in a closet."
} "No," Akane said as she tried to sit up, then
} immediately regretted it, "Ow! I don't."
"immeditely regretted it." (New sentence.)
} "Ya gotta give me a little break here, Akane," Onna-
} Ranma said, notes of pleading dominating his voice. "I ain't
} all that good at this stuff! Ya, know?"
"Ya know?" (No comma.)
} "Ranma, I don' think ... No! I KNOW, I can't walk
} right now."
"don't think" (typo)
} "And no Nekoken training, either!" Akane said,
} feigning the tones of a complete nag. "I forbid it!"
}
} Ranma laughed out loud despite an involuntary shudder.
}
} "As if I could ever gather up enough ca ... ca ...
} cats to try it!"
Heh.
} Akane watched him undress. He could tell that not only
} was Akane enjoying the show, but that she was also watching
} for any further signs of weakness. The truth was that he did
} feel pretty weak, but did everything he could to hide it.
} Showing weakness at a time like this would NOT be very manly.
"pretty weak, but he did everything"
} "Shh, Akane," Ranma said weakly. "I just need to let
} my ki build up a little. I can't think of any other place I'd
} rather rest, right now."
RANMA: But in an hour or so, I'm gonna switch to Ukyo.
} Nodoka felt a thick layer of ice form around her
} heart. That left only one person--Ranma. Her son had started
} breakfast. IN A HOUSE LOADED TO THE GILLS WITH WOMEN, HER SON
} HAD GOTTEN UP EARLY AND STARTED BREAKFAST! WHAT SORT OF MANLY
} BEHAVIOR WAS THAT?
I liked this whole scene with Nodoka. You've got a good
handle on her character, I think, and handle it with just
the right amount of humour.
} "We'll find a way, Kasumi-chan," Nodoka said, sounding
} as though her faith was unshakable. "Now let us see what we
} can do about getting our families fed, shall we?"
I think it's spelt "unshakeable".
} Nabiki's visit with Happosai turned out to be
} something of a shock. The old man was abnormally subdued and
} her visit lasted mere minutes. He took his seals, under the
} watchful eye of the police, then quickly stamped a document
} he had already written out. He handed the heavy parchment to
} Nabiki saying nothing until she took it from him.
"Nabiki, saying nothing"
} Nabiki raised both eyebrows in response. The "okugi"
} or "innermost-secret-teachings" were no laughing matter to be
} sure, but Nabiki had not realized that they were also
} exceedingly dangerous for both student and teacher. The
} phrase " ... assuming you and said student survive the
} training ..." was not the least bit reassuring. She might
} have taken it as Happosai indulging in hyperbole, but the
} text was entirely too formal for it to be Happosai's work.
} That meant that the license was modeled upon an older
} document. A much older document if Nabiki was any judge of
} kanji, and she was.
This paragraph is a little confusing. A first, it seems
like what Nabiki is reading the okugi, rather than a limited
license. It might work better to put most of this paragraph
after the next paragraph, perhaps.
} "Nope!" Happosai said firmly. "He's on his own for
} this one. It's a test. I won't help him nor will I interfere
} with him. Besides, your father and Genma are going to be more
} than enough of a nuisance for him."
"won't help him, nor will I" (need a comma)
} "Oh, well good!" Soun said, sounding genuinely
} pleased, "All we need do then is erect the shrine and call
} the priest. Once that's done, we can begin."
"Oh, well, good!" or "Oh, well... good!"
} "Fifty yen? Sure, that's fine. No, I don't mind giving
} you the money instead of him. Yes, I'll pay for the cab and
} train fare."
Fifty yen isn't really a very hefty price, which is a bit of
a jar when Nabiki starts thinking how good a dealmaker Ukyou
is.
} "Huh? Doc?" Ranma asked as his eyes fluttered open.
} What happened next was a testament to the speed and efficacy
} Ranma Saotome's reflexes. He took in his surroundings,
} remembered what he had been doing before going to sleep, and,
} at one and the same, realized that he was being observed by
} Tofu Ono. All of this in less than five microseconds. Such a
} feat of data processing is rare, even among race car drivers
} and fighter pilots. Somewhere, on the kami plane, Seymour
} Cray wept with envy.
"at one and the same time" (missing a word)
And five microseconds is indeed impressive, considering it
takes two millseconds for any sort of signal to actually
reach any part of the brain. (I'm nitpicking. You'll have
to excuse me. ;)
} "Oh?" Tofu asked in an innocent voice. "You mean your
} ki has fully recovered?"
Heh.
} "Yoshin-ryuu," Ranma said, "Lot's of good yari [spear]
} and naginata stuff taught there as well, but Pops wanted me
} to pick up on their methods for treating wounds. They even
} have a kind of kata for treating the wounds of a warrior
} who's been cut in different places."
Huh. Does Yoshin-ryuu have yari? I've only ever heard of
it in the context of naginata. Live and learn.
I'd suggest using the word "spear" or "pike" instead of yari
-- there's no real reason not to.
} [Think of the naginata as a full-length sword on the
} end of a wooden shaft some two meters long. Neither the
} naginata nor the yari is ordinarily thrown at an opponent
} during battle.]
I find this sort of editorial comment rather distracting,
personally. I'd suggest putting it in an author's note at
the beginning of the fic, if you bother to put it in at
all. You already made reference to naginata in chapter 2,
after all.
} [Furisode are formal kimono with very long sleeves
} worn by single girls. Married women wear kimono with shorter
} sleeves, referred to as "kimono." Onna-Ranma and the other
} girls are often depicted wearing furisode by Takahashi. This
} is intended to be humorous, as traditional garb is
} breathtakingly expensive, even by Japanese standards.]
Same thing. I think you should put this outside the main
text.
} Breakfast went by quickly, but pleasantly. Akane found
} that she had some how eaten half-again as much as she
} ordinarily would, and that the muscle pain was returning with
} a vengeance. There was a knock at the door.
"eaten half again" (no hypen)
} Ranma had her roll onto her stomach, then wisely began
} with her less sensitive, lower legs, gently rubbing the oil
} into her skin. Akane bit her pillow, then squealed despite
} her best efforts not to.
"less sensitive lower legs" (No comma)
The last clause is ungrammatical -- maybe "squealed despite
her best intentions"?
} "Well, okay. We fell for you at the same time," Ranko
} said. "We couldn't help it being the same guy and all."
"help it, being the same guy"
} Akane sat down in her favorite chair in the engawa so
} that she could watch the late afternoon sun play with the
} surface of the koi pond. She was too old to sit seiza the way
} she had in the past.
I've usually heard it as "sit in seiza," but I'm not sure
of the official answer.
} As hard as it was for Akane to believe, Tatewaki Kuno
} had somehow managed to father a perfectly normal child--well
} perfectly normal for a child born and raised in Nerima,
} anyway.
"normal child -- well, perfectly normal" (comma and spaces)
} There was the funny story about how the general
} madness and confusion of Nerima led to Ukyou being named
} after Ranma's first, official fiancee. And the story about
} how Daima got his name. He had to be delivered by Cesarean
} Section.
Should be either "Cesarean section" or "cesarean section"
(either way, section is lower-case.) Also, that last
sentence seems like a bit of a non sequitur.
} "Good night, Dear."
"Good night, dear." (Lower-case, usually.)
} "Who, or what would be foolish enough to bother me?"
"Who, or what, would be" (comma)
} "I guess you got a point there, Mom. See ya in the
} mornin'"
Missing a final period there.
} "He's out dancing on the surf, Mom." Genma said.
"'Mom," Genma said." (Comma, not period.)
} "Well I wouldn't mind that at all!" Akane exclaimed.
} "You boys get upstairs and go to bed."
"Well, I"
} "Yeah, I pretty sure you're right, Akane."
"Yeah, I'm pretty sure"
} "You mean your finally gonna admit it after all these
} years?"
"You mean you're finally"
} "Hey I ..."
"Hey, I..." (Usually.)
} "Well I hate ta tell ya this, Akane, but it's gonna
} pretty much be a grand tour of hell."
"Well, I hate ta"
I liked this chapter. Some nice focus on Akane's
perspective, and I like how you're handling Ranma and
Akane's relationship -- capturing the adolescent Chicken
game of pushing the sexuality as far as it can go, in the
hopes that the other person will be the first to break.
And, in general, a nicely-written interlude and character
development piece.
Though I do find it odd how nobody seems to be blinking at
the Kasumi/Tofu relationship. ;)
Anyways, just my thoughts on the progress of a fic I enjoy
muchly. Looking forward to part X, and I hope to C&C part
IX... uh, soon. :)
Bjorn