} Date: Mon, 27 Aug 2001 10:12:42 -0500
} From: Donald Lee Granberry <noharness@mac.com>
And now for the next bit.... Once again, you get all that
paid for. :)
} Prince Haabu, Lord of the Musk, wrapped the fingers of his
} right hand around the ship captain's neck, then lifted the
} man with one arm until his feet were half of a meter off the
} deck.
HAABU: If this is a diplomatic ship, *where* is
the... Ooops. Sorry. Wrong story.
} "Then get these other people off this ship, if you
} value your life!" Haabu said, grinding his words out between
} clinched teeth, then dropped the smaller man upon the deck.
} The captain collapsed to his knees and put his hand to his
} throat.
Um... it's normally "clenched teeth." There are definitions
of "clinch" that makes this reasonable, but it is odd usage.
} "Yes, Lord Haabu"
Missing an end period.
} "And have them clean out our quarters before I
} return."
}
} "Yes, M'Lord."
HAABU: What?
KIIMA: Um, I mean, "Yes, Lord Haabu."
} "Be sure the First Mate understands that I will be
} most upset if I find any filth there."
Don't have to capitalize "first mate."
} "Good," Haabu said, with a smile for his second in
} command. She had proven herself to be a great asset during
} the long, tedious trip. "I will return as soon as I can. Have
} word sent to Shan Wa. Tell her to meet me at the house of Wan
} Li."
The first sentence seems awkward to me. I *think* the
comma in "said, with a" shouldn't be there, but I might be
wrong. Perhaps you might to rephrase along the lines of
"Haabu said, smiling at his..." just to avoid the issue. :)
} Kiima bowed in Haabu's direction as he turned and
} stamped down the gangway. The crew began herding almost two
} hundred protesting Chinese down the gangway. They had good
} reason to protest. They had paid exorbitant sums to be
} smuggled into Japan. Now they were being forced to leave the
} ship. None of them had any money left to live on while they
} waited for the _Rodriquez_ to return.
Sentence structure is a bit repetitive. Perhaps: "They had
good reason to protest. Having paid exorbitant sums to be
smuggled into Japan, they were now being..." Or something
like that.
} Less than an hour had gone by when Haabu arrived at
} Wan Li's offices. Shan Wa was already waiting for him,
} sitting at a table in the little outdoor cafe across the
} street.
Were Shan Wa and Wan Li introduced in a previous chapter?
If not, you might think of giving a little more notice at
this point that Wan Li is the owner and Shan Wa the agent.
} "Kiima informs me that this fool attempted to modify
} our agreement without consultation, Lord Haabu."
"This fool" is a bit misleading, since Wan Li isn't actually
present at this time. You could use "the fool," or describe
Shan Wa pointing at the office, for example.
} Shan Wa grinned. The last person to see such a grin on
} her face had died miserably.
Personally, I find this lacking in impact a bit. Partly
because the scene is mostly from Haabu's perspective, who
wouldn't know this fact; and partly because it's a bit bland
-- you're telling us the consequence of the smile, rather
than describing the smile and letting us draw our own
conclusions. I find more effect with something like "Shan
Wa grinned, the hint of a soon-to-be-satisfied shark playing
amongst her bared teeth", or even the much simpler, "Shan Wa
grinned viciously."
Of course, it's hardly important here -- but it's a point
that is good to keep in mind in general, and there's a
couple other lines that could benefit from the same
"showing rather than telling" treatment.
} Shan Wa nodded her head, then led the way across the
} street. Once inside they found themselves being greeted by
} Wan Li's male secretary. He was a big, beefy and irascible
} sort of fellow. Wan Li had chosen him for the job because he
} could intimidate most people.
Same sort of thing. Describe the secretary so that the
reader can see he's just hired muscle, rather than simply
telling us.
} "I am afraid that such an arrangement would be most
} unsuitable in these circumstances," Shan Wa said in a mild
} voice, while her body language suggested the forthcoming fall
} of hell-fire and brimstone.
This, on the other hand, is how it should be done. :)
} Haabu formed a small ki-blade off the tips of his
} fingers on his right hand, then sliced a narrow strip of wood
} off the two-inch thick piece of oak forming the counter-top
} between them and the secretary. Haabu caught the strip before
} it could fall to the floor and began to examine it closely.
}
} Wan Li's secretary gulped, then said, "Right this way,
} please." He opened the half-door in the counter and invited
} them in with a wave of his hand. Haabu handed him the strip
} of oak with a chilly smile. The secretary gulped again.
}
} "Thank you, my good fellow," Haabu said, then grinned
} again as the man's knees began to knock together. As Shan Wa
} opened the door to Wan Li's office, the secretary scrambled
} out a side door.
Heh.
} Wan Li's office was crowded with several of his
} associates. They were busily counting their way through large
} stacks of yuan and weighing the jade with which the
} Joketsuzoku had paid for the ship. There was enough value in
} the jade alone to make the man a multi-millionaire in the
} United States. Gram for gram, jade is worth more than
} diamonds and the Joketsuzoku had paid him with the deep
} green, fine-grained variety of jade called "Imperial Jade."
} Diamonds of the first water are mere trash alongside such
} stone, especially in China.
I'd consider chopping everything after "United States."
It doesn't really contribute any extra knowledge the reader
needs, and it obstructs the flow of the passage a bit.
} "We paid you quite well for passage to the Land of the
} Wa," Haabu said, each word slicing into Wan Li's already
} frayed nerves like so much sharp-edged glass. "We were to
} have exclusive use of the ship and the services of its crew
} for the period of one month."
Very nice imagery here.
} Shan Wa gave Wan Li a warm smile, but Haabu did not
} remove the one-molecule thick ki-blade from his neck.
Describing a blade presumably made of some sort of energy as
"one molecule thick" seems a little off to me. :)
} "Thank you, Wan Li," Shan Wa said, "I must say you
} have proven most gracious under trying circumstances."
}
} "You're welcome?" Wan Li squeaked out.
Heh.
} "Your treatment of them makes you appear most
} unreliable," Haabu said.
}
} Wan Li was now at a complete loss.
Again, nice. :)
} "Because we do not want two-hundred or more loose ends
} in the form of desperate Han seeking redress in Shanghai,
} while we try to take care of business!" Haabu said. His voice
} had picked up a faint rumble, like distant thunder. Wan Li
} paled as Haabu's ki-blade bit a little deeper.
"loose ends, in the form" (need another comma)
} "Well," she said aloud to no one in particular, "a
} Sunday afternoon spent counting money can't be all bad."
Heh.
} "Oh, there's lots of places stranger than Oz," Ryouga
} said, "Ever been to San Francisco?"
Ha!
} The Frenchman's reluctance was not, as it turned out,
} strictly a matter of laziness. Patent protection in Japan is,
} in most ways, superior to that of other countries. On the
} other hand, acquiring a Japanese patent is an expensive
} process. Nabiki quickly discovered, much to her dismay, that
} simply securing patent protection for Thibbideaux's design
} would consume most of the capital she and her allied
} investors could put into the venture. That would leave the
} enterprise without the resources it needed to lease a larger
} shop, hire craftsman and buy materials. Oh, and let's not
} forget the new tooling and the design for same.
"hire craftsmen" (Plural)
} Nabiki was taken back considerably by this revelation.
} While life in Japan had always been easier for men, no one
} paid serious attention to a male until he was at least forty-
} -especially just after World War Two. Kobayashi should not
} have been able to get into the fix Nabiki and her cohorts had
} found themselves in. Money and credibility would have been
} much harder for Kobayashi to come by back in those days. Then
} again, she should not have been able to get into the fix she
} and her cohorts had gotten into.
That admission in the last sentence deserves a little more
emphasis, I think. Maybe something like "Nabiki had laughed
at herself on thinking that," just before.
} "Perhaps your father did the right thing, Kobayashi-
} san," Nabiki had said in a contrite voice. "My entire family
} had not been that far from the same fate when you came
} along."
Last sentence strikes me as a bit too formal.
} "So where did I go wrong."
Should be a question, I think.
} "How come you didn't step in an wipe us out early on?"
} Nabiki had asked. "You could have done that and made more
} money."
"step in and wipe us out" (typo)
} The key to this bicycle deal was a secure patent. With
} that in hand, she could go to Kobayashi and his friends and
} still be relatively well assured that she and her friends
} would get a decent return on their investment. Without the
} key part of the deal however, they would be far better off if
} she simply picked up the phone and handed the entire thing to
} Kobayashi on a platter. He had proven generous with his
} commissions when she had done that sort of thing in the past.
} Nabiki had little doubt that he would be ruthless with her
} though, if she made the same mistake twice. If she could find
} enough capital however, enough to actually get the bicycles
} into production, she and her associates stood to make even
} more money out of the deal, even if Kobayashi and his friends
} took over the entire show. The trick was to find the capital
} they needed to get that far. She needed a large sum of money
} with a minimum number of strings attached in order to pull
} that off. If she could, she would earn the respect of more
} than a few financial powerhouses around town, not to mention
} shocking a Kuno or two speechless. Of course, shocking a Kuno
} speechless was only slightly more difficult than finding
} fifty million yen with no strings attached, especially given
} that she was determined to find it without swindling a Kuno.
This is a bit run-on. I'd suggest putting a paragraph break
after "same mistake twice," and dropping everything after
"pull that off."
} Nabiki stretched the kinks out of her back as she
} stood up. One day soon she would be a rich Sybarite. Once
} that goal was achieved, she would see to it that Kasumi never
} wanted for anything. In the meantime though, it was time to
} eat. She made her way downstairs, only to find that they had
} company. An ugly little man she had never seen before.
"company, an ugly little" (no new sentence)
} "He must lead a very interesting life, Saotome-san,"
} Tetsugo said. "Would that I could have been comforted so
} whenever I was made to bleed."
Heh.
} "So how, pray tell," Tetsugo asked with a grin, "did
} this happen."
Should be a question.
} Soun and Genma beat a hasty exit off the engawa.
} Tetsugo followed them, giving Happosai and nonchalant wave of
} the hand as he departed.
"Happosai a nochalant" (typo)
}
} "Thank you, Nabiki-chan."
}
} "You're welcome, Sis. Give Tofu a hug for me."
You know, I was a little lost about this. Last time we saw
Kasumi, she was out in the country with Ranma and co.; now
she's back, and appears to be the only one of the bunch back
at that. Now she's going back to country house?
There is an explanation, but it's quite a bit further on.
Having it earlier would help.
} Happosai watched Kasumi until she disappeared up the
} stairs, then said in a low voice, "Free at last! Free at
} last. Thank God all mighty! Free at last."
"almighty", usually.
} "Oh, really?" Happosai asked with a skeptical note in
} his voice. "Is that why your entertaining the notion winging
} a deal with fifty-million put to the touch?"
"you're entertaining the notion of winging" (typo and
missing word)
} "Well the timing might work then."
"Well, the timing" (comma)
} After Nabiki finished with the dishes, she returned to
} her room only to find a thick envelope lying atop the open
} ledgers on her desk. Inside were a million-yen in crisp, new
} bills and a note from Happosai, which read simply, "I want
} in." Nabiki could not help but feel flattered.
"million yen" (No hyphen)
} "A potting shed?" Akane asked in an alarmed voice.
} "How are we going to workout in anything that small? Ranma,
} what have you got in mind, you pervert?"
"work out in" (verb, not noun.)
} Ranma answered with a nod of his head. Akane ran
} through the kata again. Much to her chagrin, she realized
} that she was not performing it as well as she should have
} been. She asked Ranma for permission to do it again. He
} smiled and nodded. Akane performed the kata again, and again,
} and again for the next six hours with only one or two short
} breaks. Today she was still performing that very first kata
} of the beginner's sextet. She had performed it repeatedly all
} day and could feel down in her very bones that she was not
} getting it right. Worse, she now realized that she had not
} ever been doing it perfectly. About mid-morning, Ranma had
} taken to moving with her so that he could see every move she
} made, but had yet to actually correct any of her moves as her
} father did when she first began to learn the kata.
}
} "What has happened to me!" Akane cried out.
You're jumping around a lot in time, and now you've just
lost me. :) Is Akane shouting while she's collapsed in a
sweaty heap? Is this at the end of the second day, or
mid-morning when Ranma started moving with her?
} "Ya look like it," Ranma said, then put his hands to
} his head and began working is lower jaw so that his mouth
} opened and shut in a ridiculous way. Much to Akane's horror,
} she then realized that Ranma was mimicking what she was doing
} at that very moment. The chills now began to evaporate,
} supplanted by the heat of a five-megaton blush. Ranma began
} laughing again.
Heh. This is a well-done scene.
} Losing Ranma Saotome to the Tendo girl was
} going to cause her no end of grief, no matter how or what the
} Council of Elders ruled upon the matter. Sooner or later,
} Xian Pu would face a long string of arduous challenges from
} her sister tribesman. She intended to be ready for them.
Hm. This almost sounds like Shampoo's given up on Ranma,
which is very surprising, given what we've seen and been
told so far.
} Mu Suu somehow saw this attack coming and blocked it
} handily with his left foot then trapped Xian Pu's left leg at
} the ankle by trapping her ankle between his legs crossed at
} his ankles.
I'd suggest dropping the "at the ankle." And perhaps the
"at his ankles." Whole lotta ankles goin' on. ;)
I liked the whole fight scene. It may have been a bit long,
but the "technical" feel came across very well, and
effectively conveyed the serious-yet-training nature of the
bout.
}
} Kodachi Kuno settled into the steaming waters of
} Nerima's newly refurbished sentou (public bath) with a
} heartfelt sigh as she gently placed a cold, wet towel on top
} of her head. The sentou was a Japanese establishment with a
} long history, but few people visited one on a daily basis
} anymore. Most apartments, Kodachi's current domicile being
} one of the sad exceptions, had western style shower stalls
} nowadays. The sentou of modern Japan had become something
} more like a kind of amusement center, than a place one
} visited to get cleaned up.
"amusement center than a place" (no comma)
} Her next great shock had been clothing. It was more
} than shocking. It was humiliating. More than that, it was
} very annoying. It was annoying because she found herself
} buying back several pieces of her own, previously discarded
} clothing, along with several pairs of her old shoes at a re-
} sale shop.
"her own previously discarded" (no comma)
} The shock of shocks, however, had been Jean-Luc
} Thibbideaux, not because he had been so easy to bowl over. No
} man could long resist the charm and elan of Kodachi Kuno.
Except, y'know, Ranma. ;)
} No,
} that had not been the least bit surprising. The shock had
} been how he managed to charm her. He was positively ancient
} for starters, being thirty years old and was balding
} prematurely and had a positively gargantuan nose, yet he had
} somehow won Kodachi over to his side as much as she had won
} him over to Nabiki's ideas.
"starts, being thirty years old, and was" (comma)
} Kodachi froze up for a few seconds. She still had not
} quite gotten used to bathing at the sentou, much less
} chatting with lower-class strangers. She would have to be
} friendly with them, she decided. After all, spying on the
} Tokugawa Shogunate for the Emperor required it. She was not
} actually spying for anyone, of course, and Japan had not had
} a Shogun for more than two centuries, but pretending that she
} was a spy for Japan's Emperor struggling to wrest control
} from an obdurate Shogunate was the only way she could cope
} with the demands of her newly accepted Sensei--that bitch!
} Functional delusion was a Kuno family strong point, even if
} it did annoy everyone else who came into contact with them.
This is... an interesting device. I like it. :)
} "My husband was often a lot of trouble, but I do miss
} him for a little while at the time--say, once every other
} month or so."
Should that be "I did miss him"? Or "a little while every
once in a while"? The "at the time" confuses me.
} "That sounds like good advice, Obaa-san (literally
} "Honorable Elder Lady)," Kodachi said with a smile.
Urmph. If you *have* to use obaa-san, definitely don't
provide the translation within quotes -- it looks like
Kodachi's saying that. You can put it author's notes, or
leave it out, or better yet, just not use the word at all --
it really doesn't add anything here, and there are perfectly
good English equivalents.
} "Is your father helping you out at all, Dear?"
Shouldn't capitalize "dear." You make the same mistake
elsewhere in the same scene.
} Lonely? I've never been lonely. No, that's not true.
} I've never been alone before, but I've always been lonely.
} How did that happen? I haven't had any friends since grade
} school, not really. I have servants and family for company,
} but the servants are merely hired help. Father thinks he is
} the Great Kahuna of Hawaii and poor Tatewaki believes he is
} everything Toshiro Mifune pretended to be and then some. The
} truly sad part of that is, Mifune-sama was probably a much
} better swordsman. He was certainly better looking. Kodachi
} felt the urges to both giggle and cry simultaneously.
"felt the urge" (not plural)
} Jean-Luc Thibbideaux eased his tender bottom, all
} gaijin bottoms are tender when exposed to a Japanese furo,
} into the near-scalding water of Nerima's oft-remodeled sentou
} with an audible grunt of pain.
Too much in this one sentence, and no easy way to rephrase.
At the very least, the parenthetical note should actually be
in parentheses (Ie, the "all gaijin bottoms" bit).
Personally, I'd recommend leaving out the "tender bottom"
bit altogether, as you make all the point you need to later
in the same paragraph.
} The night-shift manager of Nerima's oft-rebuilt sentou
} watched as one her regulars debarked her pull-cart. The girl
} was always pretty, but tonight she seemed to have an extra
} bit of glow about her. Her bearing was regal, as though she
} was a famous actress at the top of her career.
I think that should be "as though she were", but I'm not
entirely certain off the top of my head.
} The manager took the money and thought no more about
} it, until ten minutes or so later when Ukyou Kuonji, best
} damned okonomiyaki chef the manager had ever met, and her
} sidekick, the kunoichi Konatsu Kenzan walked in.
I don't know whether it's intentional or not, but this
sentence is reminiscent of a cowboy western, as are others
in the same scene. It works oddly well. :)
} The night manager accepted Ukyou's payment for both
} herself and Konatsu, then watched with more than a little
} trepidation as the willowy martial artist and chef made her
} way back to the dressing area. Shortly after Ukyou was out of
} sight, the night manager reflexively picked up the telephone
} and started to dial 119, then stopped herself. Nothing had
} happened yet, and her luck might hold out. The evening could
} continue quite peacefully, or World Wars III & IV could break
} out simultaneously. There was just no way to tell for
} certain. This was Nerima, after all.
"III and IV" (by and large, avoid the ampersand in
convential text)
} Jean-Luc focused his attention upon the interloper as
} quickly has he could.
"as he could"
} "Rather than go to college, I apprenticed myself to an
} artist in upstate New York. Lot's of beautiful scenery there,
} you know."
"Lots of beautiful scenery" (typo)
} Xian Pu's unique combination of rippling muscles and
} beautifully sculpted curves was something that no woman in
} her right mind would willingly stand beside, especially if
} there were any men around to do a comparison check. Ukyou
} blinked a couple of times, realizing that this young heathen
} had enough recipes tucked between her ears to easily rival
} the best chefs in the world.
"heathen" generally has religious connotations, which
probably isn't exactly what you want.
} Xian Pu remained frozen in place for a moment. Ukyou
} then realized the Amazon had reason for both caution and
} suspicion. Her luxuriant hair was laden with suds, there was
} no way Xian Pu could easily see what, or who was around her.
"with suds, and there was" (Missing word)
} Ukyou placed the ornament on the faux-marble shelf in
} front of Xian Pu. It gave off another faint ring as she did
} so. The ornament was unlike anything Ukyou had ever seen
} available in a department store. It had been lovingly hand
} wrought of fine brass and rather than cheap elastic, its
} chords were made of heavy, braided silk.
"its cords" (wrong word)
} "Mother die when Xian Pu very small," Xian Pu said,
} her eyes suddenly lit with a ferocity Ukyou had not seen the
} girl exhibit before. "She travel with Father on trading
} voyage. Policemans in far away village arrest her for being
} reactionary enemy of socialism. We never hear from her again.
} One day, letter come from Peking. Is bill for bullet used to
} execute Xian Pu mother."
This is nicely done, I think.
} Ice cold water flooded Ukyou's veins and she shivered
} involuntarily. She had heard about this kind of thing on the
} news, but never really gave it any serious thought. It had
} always seemed so remote and far away. Now she was face to
} face with a victim of such an atrocity.
I'd suggest dumping everything after the first sentence,
since it, and the next paragraph, covers everything you wanted.
} Kodachi Kuno gave out a little gasp before she could
} stop herself upon entering the bathing room. She had run
} across two of the Emperor's worst enemies. Both had long been
} assigned the task of seducing her darling husband away from
} his Emperor and his family. Family? Wouldn't that mean ...
} children? Never mind! I'll sort that out later. Both have
} long been assigned to my darling Ranma-sama, the Emperor's
} strong, right arm. The Chinese whore works the streets
} selling noodles and throwing her charms at him whenever the
} opportunity arises. The other poses as a gutter-merchant,
} selling some vile concoction of fried dough and half-cooked
} meat. Her strategies are, if anything, even more laughable
} than the foreign whore's. She claims to be my beloved's
} rightful fiancee! How ridiculous! Whatever on earth possessed
} this low-born creature to ever think she could successfully
} press such a claim?
I like this bit. :)
} Kodachi whirled the towel above her head with her
} hard-won grace and with a practiced twist of the wrist, flung
} a lightning-like lash at Xian Pu's battered ribs.
"grace, and with a practice twist of the wrist flung a"
(Comma in wrong place)
} "I owe you a big one for this, you Chinese Hussy!"
} Ukyou shouted. The bar-joists holding the roof and ceiling
} above them all vibrated in sympathy.
"you Chinese hussy!" (no capital on hussy)
} The slender lad leaned closer to the naked beauty,
} genuine trepidation living in his face, "Are you still in the
} mood?" he asked.
}
} The lovely nude turned crimson from head to foot.
Heh.
} "I'm sorry!" the American shouted as he rose from the
} heated waters of the furo. Thibbideaux was put in mind of a
} volcanic island, newly arisen from the sea upon witnessing
} this. The water poured off the big man's body in long
} streamers, while huge waves surged across the furo. "I have
} no more time to spend with you today!" The American shouted
} in an irritated voice as he melodramatically pointed with one
} raised arm towards the ceiling of the sentou. "The sun! It
} compels me to paint!" With that, he splashed his way across
} the furo towards the men's dressing area. To Thibbideaux's
} utter amazement, a train sounded its horn at that very same
} moment, roaring out of town as the big American disappeared
} into the dressing area. Jean-Luc watched closely for a few
} seconds, half-expecting a flock of disturbed crows to put in
} a noisy appearance. After all, Van Gogh would have felt right
} at home in Nerima.
At this point, I'm wondering *why* the American was in the
story at all. The only real purpose he seems to serve is
this paragraph, which makes no sense to me at all. Possibly
he might be a returning character (much like Jean-Luc), in
which case I'm eager to see what you're doing with him; or
there's a joke here I'm missing. :)
} Nabiki gave out an audible groan. There was no way she
} could avoid a hassle over this, owing to several
} peculiarities of the Japanese culture. Hardly anyone liked to
} take anything to court. In many ways, the Japanese resent
} government interference in their affairs. This did not mean
} that things such as this did not end up in court, but the
} government did not really want things like this ending up in
} court. Having such things in court violated Japanese
} sensibilities and values, so they made sure that the court
} dockets stayed quite full and made every step of the process
} as cumbersome and inconvenient as possible. This meant that
} such problems were usually handled by neighborhood
} arbitrators. These arbitrators were never officially
} appointed by the government, or anyone else. The process of
} choosing arbitrators was completely ad hoc and surprisingly
} effective. People like Kasumi, it seemed, were often the ones
} people turned to when such trouble arose. Kasumi could not
} arbitrate this one for obvious reasons, and Nabiki knew full
} well how any of the other available such folks would see this
} affair.
A bit awkwardly phrased at times, and run-on. Maybe:
Nabiki gave out an audible groan. There was no way
she could avoid a hassle over this, owing to several
peculiarities of the Japanese culture. Hardly anyone
liked to take anything to court, as things such as this
violated Japanese sensibilities and values. As a result,
the government made sure that the court dockets stayed
quite full and made every step of the process as
cumbersome and inconvenient as possible. This meant that
such problems were usually handled by neighborhood
arbitrators. The process of choosing these arbitrators
was unofficial, completely ad hoc, and surprisingly
effective. People like Kasumi, it seemed, were often the
ones people turned to when such trouble arose, but Kasumi
could not arbitrate this one for obvious reasons. Nabiki
knew full well how any of the other available such folks
would see this affair.
Again, another excellent chapter. Lots of seperate little
threads and subplots, all interesting, and you manage to
touch on most of them here. Good stuff.
There's a couple of things in this chapter that seem rather
sudden. One, as I mentioned before, has to do with Shampoo.
It seems as if Shampoo has given up on Ranma, and there's no
reason given previously for me to have expected that. (Last
time she came up, I think Ranma was still convinced he would
have to kill her!) The other is how quickly Ukyou and
Konatsu's relationship has progressed -- which is,
admittedly, a small thing, and reasonably could have taken
place off-screen.
Good stuff, though. :)
Bjorn