Thank you very much for your detailed commentary on my little fic

My comments prefixed by **

----- Original Message -----
From: "Gary Kleppe" <kleppe@mediaone.net>
To: "Rakhal Stormwarden" <ffml@rakhal.com>
Cc: <ffml@anifics.com>
Sent: Tuesday, August 28, 2001 4:12 AM
Subject: [FFML] Re: [Ranma] Special Training

"Rakhal Stormwarden" <ffml@rakhal.com> wrote:

Well, normally I just READ fics and index them, but just for a

change I actually

wrote something :). Very silly and very short, I hope you enjoy it.

I've not had time to more than skim the other comments on this, so
please excuse any repetition. As always, this is but one reader's
opinion, so take it for whatever it's worth to you.

It had been a fine week at the seaside and a happy party made their

way

home to the Tendo Dojo at the end of it. Nabiki was in the lead,

reaching

the front door first, Kasumi was close behind and, bringing up the

rear,

behind, and,

** Will add

"Fine idea that, Saotome-kun," Soun said. "With a week on their own

together

idea, that,

own together,

** Will change

As Doug used to say, you can never have too many commas. :)

**Rakhal looks at his box of letters, and sees far too few commas.
Note to self: Order another hundredweight...

our children will surely have admitted their love. Why, we shall
be able to have the wedding next weekend!" The panda walking beside

him

growf-ed amiably in return.

That last line should probably be its own paragraph (okay, it's not

an

actual line of dialog from Genma, but it is something along the

lines of

one.)

** Yes, looking at the change, it does seem to look better.

"That is if Ranma is still living," Nabiki commented. "A week of

Akane's

cooking, and the only service that Ranma may need will be the

mortician's!"

This dialog seems a bit clumsy -- not for any reason that I can pin
down, but it just doesn't seem to flow naturally. (Of course, this

might

be because my mind is trying to hear it in U.S. English, while

you're

writing it with a British accent, so maybe you shouldn't worry about
it.)

** Hmm, I see what you mean. I'll have to think about this one.

"So, how many holes do we need to repair then?" Nabiki commented,

looking

repair, then?"

Yep, definitely British. :)

UKYO: Fancy another okonomiyaki, guv'nor?

** And what's wrong with British fics then. Queen's English and all
that :)

around the house. Surprisingly there weren't that many new holes,

far

Suggest: weren't that many new ones (already talking about holes)

** Will fix

"I don't know where that baka has got to. For the last couple of

days he

Suggest: that idiot, or that dummy, etc. We have a whole smorgasbord

of

English words to choose from. :)

** Hmm, this one is more a preferences thing I think.

"Ranma! What were you doing in my room?!", Nabiki called out of the

window.

Lose the comma, since you've already punctuated the quote with the

?!

"If you've messed anything up in here, I'll make your life hell!"

Seems a bit extreme of a threat for her to use just for this

offense.

Nabsy is more the kind of person to speak softy and carry a big

stick,

so to speak. I think she'd be able to put Ranma in his place without
losing her cool.

Downstaurs, she found Kasumi gently berating Akane in the kitchen.

The

Downstairs,

reason why was fairly obvious: it looked like a culinary war zone

in there!

A few details would help here. Just what did Nabby see? We might be

able

to imagine what a "culinary war zone" looks like but it would help

if

you showed us.

Kasumi just looked rather puzzled, but Akane was less amused.

"Pervert! I

bet he's learning some new technique off Happosai or something."

Since two women in a row have come up with this theory, you might

want

to have some fun with it.

NABIKI: Ranma was acting really weird when I saw him. Maybe he's
learning some new technique from Happosai.

AKANE: Nabiki, you haven't spent as much time with Ranma as I have.

You

don't know him the way *I* do!

NABIKI: So what's *your* theory?

AKANE: [thinks for a moment] Maybe he's learning some new technique

from

Happosai!

Um... or something. You can probably come up with something better

than

this if you spend a little time on it.

Nabiki eventually broke the silence. "Saotome-'jisan, I think

Akane's

cooking is as effective as a pit full of starving cats. Wouldn't

you

agree?"

Hm. I have to admit this didn't work as well for me as it could

have.

The basic concept is fine, I think. Putting two things together that
don't normally go together is a good recipe for comedy. But I think

you

stopped at the concept stage where you might have gone farther and

shown

us a few of the wacky things that result from Ranma being stuck in

the

Akane's Cooking Fist.

Also, the treatment of Akane is rather one-dimensionally

stereotypical.

I know you're not an Akane-hater, and that this is comedy, but I

think a

more bipolar Akane works better for humor. A good deal of the fun of

the

character (as it is with many of the other Ranma females, to some
extent) is that she can be a sweet girl *and* a violent maniac at

the

same time.

Hope this doesn't discourage you, because I think this has potential

if

you work at it. As I said, just one reader's opinion, take it for

what

it's worth. I tend to be a difficult person to please, especially

when

it comes to comedy fics.


Gary Kleppe
http://www.akane.org/gary/comics.html
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