"Rakhal Stormwarden" <ffml@rakhal.com> wrote:

Well, normally I just READ fics and index them, but just for a change I actually
wrote something :). Very silly and very short, I hope you enjoy it.

I've not had time to more than skim the other comments on this, so
please excuse any repetition. As always, this is but one reader's
opinion, so take it for whatever it's worth to you.

It had been a fine week at the seaside and a happy party made their way
home to the Tendo Dojo at the end of it. Nabiki was in the lead, reaching
the front door first, Kasumi was close behind and, bringing up the rear,

behind, and,

"Fine idea that, Saotome-kun," Soun said. "With a week on their own together

idea, that,

own together,

As Doug used to say, you can never have too many commas. :)

our children will surely have admitted their love. Why, we shall
be able to have the wedding next weekend!" The panda walking beside him
growf-ed amiably in return.

That last line should probably be its own paragraph (okay, it's not an
actual line of dialog from Genma, but it is something along the lines of
one.)

"That is if Ranma is still living," Nabiki commented. "A week of Akane's
cooking, and the only service that Ranma may need will be the mortician's!"

This dialog seems a bit clumsy -- not for any reason that I can pin
down, but it just doesn't seem to flow naturally. (Of course, this might
be because my mind is trying to hear it in U.S. English, while you're
writing it with a British accent, so maybe you shouldn't worry about
it.)

"So, how many holes do we need to repair then?" Nabiki commented, looking

repair, then?"

Yep, definitely British. :)

UKYO: Fancy another okonomiyaki, guv'nor?

around the house. Surprisingly there weren't that many new holes, far

Suggest: weren't that many new ones	(already talking about holes)

"I don't know where that baka has got to. For the last couple of days he

Suggest: that idiot, or that dummy, etc. We have a whole smorgasbord of
English words to choose from. :)

"Ranma! What were you doing in my room?!", Nabiki called out of the window.

Lose the comma, since you've already punctuated the quote with the ?!

"If you've messed anything up in here, I'll make your life hell!"

Seems a bit extreme of a threat for her to use just for this offense.
Nabsy is more the kind of person to speak softy and carry a big stick,
so to speak. I think she'd be able to put Ranma in his place without
losing her cool.

Downstaurs, she found Kasumi gently berating Akane in the kitchen. The

Downstairs,

reason why was fairly obvious: it looked like a culinary war zone in there!

A few details would help here. Just what did Nabby see? We might be able
to imagine what a "culinary war zone" looks like but it would help if
you showed us.

Kasumi just looked rather puzzled, but Akane was less amused. "Pervert! I
bet he's learning some new technique off Happosai or something."

Since two women in a row have come up with this theory, you might want
to have some fun with it.

NABIKI: Ranma was acting really weird when I saw him. Maybe he's
learning some new technique from Happosai.

AKANE: Nabiki, you haven't spent as much time with Ranma as I have. You
don't know him the way *I* do!

NABIKI: So what's *your* theory?

AKANE: [thinks for a moment] Maybe he's learning some new technique from
Happosai!

Um... or something. You can probably come up with something better than
this if you spend a little time on it.

Nabiki eventually broke the silence. "Saotome-'jisan, I think Akane's 
cooking is as effective as a pit full of starving cats. Wouldn't you
agree?"

Hm. I have to admit this didn't work as well for me as it could have.
The basic concept is fine, I think. Putting two things together that
don't normally go together is a good recipe for comedy. But I think you
stopped at the concept stage where you might have gone farther and shown
us a few of the wacky things that result from Ranma being stuck in the
Akane's Cooking Fist.

Also, the treatment of Akane is rather one-dimensionally stereotypical.
I know you're not an Akane-hater, and that this is comedy, but I think a
more bipolar Akane works better for humor. A good deal of the fun of the
character (as it is with many of the other Ranma females, to some
extent) is that she can be a sweet girl *and* a violent maniac at the
same time.

Hope this doesn't discourage you, because I think this has potential if
you work at it. As I said, just one reader's opinion, take it for what
it's worth. I tend to be a difficult person to please, especially when
it comes to comedy fics.


Gary Kleppe
http://www.akane.org/gary/comics.html
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