C. Jones wrote:

    "Did you give Naota an 'appointment'?" the man asked angrily.

  Actually, according to a few paragraphs later, didn't this guy arrange for his son to be sent to see Makuna in the first place? That doesn't quite seem to jive...

    Makuna looked up and gulped. He was staring into the end of a
small-caliber hand-gun. The man had pulled it out of the pocket of
his sweat-shirt.

  You're familiar with Japanese gun control, right? Ah, it'll probably be explained later in the fic...

    "Naota was a very disturbed young man," Makuna said. "He was
in a lot of pain."

  I don't know that many doctors use the word 'disturbed' in this day and age. 'Troubled' or 'confused' are more common, btu then, maybe Makuna-sensei's an old-school doctor...

    Makuna exhaled deeply, realizing what was about to happen.
"I'm sorry if you're upset about the choices that Naota made, but
there is nothing I can do change those choices. Even if I could, I
wouldn't. Naota is happy, and well adjusted now. If there's anything
I can do to make you calm down and put the gun away, please tell me."

  Well adjusted? Just like that? I appreciate the sentiment, but these things take time. Adjusting, or perhaps, recovering/getting better/recieving the support he needs might suit you better for this bit.

    It was a quick jog back, and Ranma thought she could make it
before the next train. She sprinted up the stairs to Makuna's office
and stepped inside.

  Heh, if not, roofhopping!

    "Oy, Makuna-sensei! I forgot my bag. Can I come in?" She
stepped inside.

  Milage will vary on this one, but I normally see it as 'Oi', though my mother writes 'Oy' whenever she complains about me... ;)

    Ranma blinked once.

    Makuna fell backwards, a red spray erupting from his chest.

  This is fairly jarring -- Ranma blinked, and then we see Makuna falling backwards?

    The man who shot him, hearing the door hit the wall behind
him, turned on Ranma. He was carrying a handgun. His face was twisted
in rage and grief.

  When did this door open? I think I understand what you're trying to accomplish, but it's a little too jarring for me... maybe not so for others, so take anything I say with a grain of salt.

    Her leg connected with the man's wrist, knocking the gun
away, It hit Makuna's desk and clattered into the floor.

  It -- it

    Ranma was torn for a split second. Instead of chasing the man
down, she chose to stay. Doing her best to burn the gunman's
appearance into her mind, Ranma knelt down next to Makuna and began
to look for signs of life.

  Torn for a split second? I'm not sure -- a little more description than simply telling us what happened would be nice. ^_^

  Show us her internal conflict, this is heavy and important stuff!

    Then she tilted Makuna's head back. She forced his mouth open
and put her lips against his.

  When did Ranma learn CPR?

    "Relax. None of it's mine," Ranma said weakly, gesturing to
her blood-stained undershirt.

  blood-stained -- bloodstained

  Though technically, I think you could go either way on this.

    "I t-t-told you!" Taiyoko said, tears running down her face.
"I saw a man run past me in t-t-the hallway. I didn't see what he
looked like."

  Remarkable control over her stutter given how agitated she is.

  Used to have a stutter as a child, so I know how much they can keep you from communicating. -_-

    "So you hid from the suspect," the policeman said.

    "Hey, pal," Ranma said, pulling away from her mother. She
interposed herself between Taiyoko and the hostile cop. "You wanna
lay off? If she said she didn't see him, then she didn't see him. I
barely saw him, and that was only because he shoved a gun in my face,
okay?"

  Seeing how Ranma's reacting, might 'accused' work better than 'said' there? As is, flows a little blandly.

    "Oh dear."

  "Oh, dear."

    "Uh... no... No! I mean, Not yet," Taiyoko said. "We've only
met a few t-t-times," she stuttered.

  Not -- not

    The girl was certainly pretty enough, Nodoka thought. Surely
Ranma hadn't...

  Why is she thinking of that at a time like this?

    At this point, another policeman burst into the examination
room.

  this point -- that point      Past tense, correct?

    "Sorry!" the policeman yelled. "Captain," he said, turning to
the officer who had been questioning Taiyoko. "We cornered the perp
at his residence. There was a brief hold-up situation with the
family. We had a ten-fifty six. Investigation is in progress by
Captain Masakeuchi."

  ten-fifty six -- ten fifty-six

  I think. :p

    "Great," the police captain said, rolling his eyes. "What a
coward." He turned back to Taiyoko and nodded his head. "I apologize
for the questioning," he said. "But we wanted to clear this up as
quickly as possible."

    "Whoa, whoa! Wait a second!" Ranma said. "Ten fifty-six...
What's that?"

  Not to be _too_ nitpicky, but you use, 'said' a lot, where other words might perhaps lend the story a little more emotion.

    Closing her eyes, Ranma rolled her head back and took a deep
breath. She tried to calm the sick, nauseous feeling in her stomach.
She wanted to vomit. Worse, she wanted to take back what she had
done. CPR probably hadn't helped Makuna at all. Now his assailant was
permanently beyond the reach of justice. Ranma felt like she bungled
the situation... badly.

  she bungled -- she had bungled (?)

    "I am Saotome-san's physician," Doctor Tofuu said, stepping
into the room. "I understand you've had some excitement this evening,
Ranma."

  Why do you use both 'doctor' and 'san'? Earlier in the story, Makuna was refered to as 'Doctor Makuna' in the dialogue between two characters.

  I assume you're using Japanese only in dialogue?

    "I thought you might want to know about Makuna-sensei," Tofuu
said, placing a hand on Ranma's shoulder. "The surgeon I spoke with
said that he had a fifty-fifty chance right now. They're still
operating, but it looks like he might make it through."

  had -- has (?)

    "Why on earth did you get involved?" the woman, a tall, bird-
like person asked in an upset tone."

  Extraneous quotation mark?

    Taiyoko's father, a short, obese man, glared at Ranma, but
didn't say anything.

  Huh? Well, this will probably get explained later...

    Oddly, it earned her harsh stares from both of Taiyoko's
parents.

  Bleah. Her parents have no concept on taking care of a child with social difficulties, do they?

    "I-I'm okay," the blonde girl said, a little more in control
of her speech. "R-ranma had already chased the... the..."

  Just 'Ranma'? Not 'Saotome-san' or 'Ranma-san'? Well, they're both girls (in theory. ;). Maybe even 'Ranma-chan'.

    Ranma rolled her eyes at her own mother, who nodded
seriously. They were dealing with some truly sensitive individuals
here. Ranma wondered how Taiyoko came out of her family being so
nice.

  Stupid, more likely than sensetive.

  The last sentence there is worded somewhat awkwardly.

    Ranma took the overnight bag Akane handed her. She ducked
into the examination room's bathroom, which had a small shower stall.
She quickly rinsed off and changed into the short dress Akane brought
for her. She took a few seconds to look in the mirror and make sure
there wasn't any blood in her hair, which she hadn't washed. She ran
her hands through it a few times, and stuffed her old clothes inside
a shopping bag that was inside the overnight tote.

  Repetition of 'room'? :p Not sure what to suggest, though...

    Taiyoko smiled apologetically at Ranma. She had a hopeless
expression on her face. She glanced up as her mother and father took
a few steps away and began to argue in whisper tones.

  whisper -- whispered

  And I'm kind of surprised that Taiyoka is so suddenly comfortable with the idea, given what you've illuistrated of her persona thus far.

    "It's not like she had any friends before," her mother said.

  she had -- she's had (?)

    "Yes, but we want her to make *normal* friends," he father
said. "I mean, why do you think the little red-headed slut was seeing
the doctor in the first place?"

  he -- her

  And... ah... what basis does this guy have for making this accusation?

  In theory... wouldn't that mean that this guy's daughter had some kind of similar problem?

    "If it's alright with you," her mother said, "we'll let
Taiyoko go with you since we have so much to do this evening."

  Huh... why the sudden change of heart?

    "That's wonderful!" Kasumi said, taking the blonde girl's
hand. "Come with us, dear. We'll get some dinner into you, and then
you can share my room or Akane's."

  my room or Akane's. -- my room, or Akane's. (commage)

    Akane, Nabiki, and Taiyoko had come over to where Ranma was
speaking with the man. They looked at him curiously.

    "Mom, Dad! You guys should go on ahead," Ranma shouted.
"We'll be along in just a bit."

  If they came over to Ranma, why does she need to shout?

    "He's dead. Killed himself when the cops caught up with him,"
Ranma explained, realizing that she was going to be telling this
story over and over again. "Listen, I may be able to find out more
about Makuna-sensei tomorrow since I'm his patient. I dunno. If I
can, I'll tell you, okay?"

  If Ayanobu shares a home with Makuna, he's got a much better chance of getting info on Makuna than Ranma, who's merely a patient.

    Taiyoko was quiet through the late dinner, but smiled at
Ranma whenever the red-head looked at her. The other girls made some
minor small-talk, but the gravity of the evening's events weighed
heavily upon them.

  'red-head' or 'redhead'? You've used both, so far.

    After dinner, Kasumi recommended that they all have relaxing
baths. She prompted Taiyoko to go first, since she was a guest. Akane
was going to go along with the girl, but Kasumi stopped her, saying
that the blonde girl probably needed a little time alone to sort out
everything that had happened to her.

  Communal bathing is common in Japan, but my understanding is that... that's fairly forward of Akane.

    "Ah!" Taiyoko squeal from inside.

  squeal -- squealed

    "Whoa! Geez!" she whipped around. "Sorry about that."

  Wasn't the last 'she' refered to Taiyoko? ;)

    "I... uh... snore," Ranma said lamely. "Really loudly. It'll
be okay, really. I'll be out in the dojo."

  What's the big deal with that? In the manga, Ranma and Akane planned to sleep in the same bed as girls during the secret sauce arc. Is this that different?

    Less than a half-hour later, Taiyoko was ready to accompany
Ranma to Tofuu-sensei's office. The two started walking. It was
really the first time they had been alone since the horrible scene in
Makuna-sensei's office, and Ranma wasn't planning on trying to
discuss that. Still, Taiyoko seemed fidgety and nervous.

  Woah.

  Earlier in the prose, you use 'doctor'. Now it's 'sensei' again?

    Ranma was about to open her mouth and blurt out the first
thing that came to mind, but was interrupted by Taiyoko.

  The first thing that came to mind? Which is... ?

    "You shattered his forearm," Tofuu said. He pushed the door
shut, and pulled a piece of paper out of a manilla folder. He put it
on the examination table next to Ranma. The title on the paper was
'Autopsy Report'.

  Why does Tofu have the autopsy report?

    Near the bottom, the report noted that the man did indeed
have multiple fractures and dislocations in his radius, ulna and
wrist.

  Must have made it hard to shoot himself.

  Though I just realized, if he _did_ shoot himself, he had to have two guns, because he dropped one in Makuna's office.

  That's... Well, I'll let Mr. Yonge explain Japanese Firearms law. He's more well versed in that than I. ;)

    "You ate so much!" Taiyoko noted in wonder.

  This is presumably after they finish their sundaes? Might want to make that  a trifle clearer.

    "Do... Do... you want to go shopping?" Taiyoko asked,
blushing slightly.

  She likes to blush a lot. How... shoujou. :p

  Now I'm getting 'I, My, Me, Strawberry Egg' flashbacks.

    "I t-t-thought I could be strong, like you," Taiyoko cried,
her stutter coming back. "

  Where is the catylist for this trauma? Is Taiyoko not able to wear the dress that she wants to? Is that what pushed her?

    They walked along in silence for almost a half hour. Ranma
noticed that Taiyoko was growing more and more fidgety as they neared
the dojo. Finally, the girl stopped and stared deeply into Ranma's
eyes.

  half hour -- half-hour (?)

    "Taiyoko," Ranma said, lifting the girl's chin. "I would
*love* to go to dinner with you. But... there's something you should
know about me first."

  Heh.

    "Grrrrf! Grrrfff," the panda said, rolling onto its feet. He
waddled away from his child towards the kitchen.

  Don't drip on the floor!

    Ranma said, "Don't worry about it," and led the girl from the
main room. "I got all sorts of guys coming on to me all the time.
It's a lot less of a pain in the ass to have a cute girl coming on to
me, believe me."

  Better make sure Akane doesn't hear that.

    "So," Ranma said, a smile on her face. "Did you know Makuna-
sensei was gay?"

  face. "Did -- face, "did  (?)

    "Yes," Taiyoko admitted. "But it was because he told me."

  admitted. "But -- admitted, "but  (?)

    A call to the hospital revealed nothing. Nabiki and Akane
were home from school by this point, so Nabiki showed them a trick.
She picked up the phone receiver and dialed the hospital operator.

  this -- that (Tenses)

    "It's called 'freedom of press'," Nabiki whispered, holding
her hand over the receiver. "Of course the papers can print whatever
they want. On the other hand, a lot of people don't realize that they
don't *have* to talk to the papers. You'd be surprised what this kind
of social engineering can do. Yes?" she said into the receiver in a
more normal tone.

  of press -- of the press (?)

    Ranma sneaked a peak at a nurse's clipboard as they walked
past the duty station. Indeed, the nurse looked up, but since Ranma
seemed to know where she was going, didn't say anything.

  peak -- peek

    "I'm interested in taking up the offer if it's still open,"
she said.

  Which is surprising, considering how nervous Nabiki got in the last chapter, when Ranma got tipsy.

Sorry this one was so dark and transitory. I'm about 50% done with
Chapter 12, which is another 'big' chapter in terms of plot and
development. I dunno if it's going to be very funny yet, but it's
certain going to be more interesting than this.

  Dark? I didn't think it was dark at all... But not bad. With a little polish, could be a real gem.

Damn, Taiyoko's stutters give my spellchecker fits. Between her and
Ranma's sloppy speech, I might as well not spell check at all...
* * *
C. Jones - guilty@furinkan.net
http://www.furinkan.net