First of all: 

Thanks to everyone who commented on the original posting.  

This is a re-titled, revised version of chapter 1 of what was
originally titled "The Returner." That title was just plain lousy, so
I borrowed one from Allan Sherman, whose song I'll mangle and
paraphrase for chapter titles throughout the rest of this story.  
Also, there are bits of lime-y fresh goodness throughout, but nothing
too lemony, so you have been warned.

======================================================================


                    Hello Mother!

Ch.1.  Hello father!

    It was late on a Sunday evening, when a lone, travel-worn figure 
finally arrived at a once familiar door.  Did the place still look the 
same as it did the last time?  Or had something been altered?  It was 
the right address, on any case.  Opening the unlocked door and walking 
in, the figure paused for a moment to try to figure out the layout of 
the place, not trusting old memories as a guide to a place that may 
have changed since the last visit.  Wiping some dust from itself, the 
person looked around the trashed living room with a slightly 
disapproving nod.  Feeling oddly reassured by the mess, and the vague 
impact noises coming from the back of the house, a single thought came 
to mind.

    Welcome home.   

    "Oh my!  What a mess!  I was hoping you two could stand being 
alone by yourselves for a while, but it seems I barely made it back in 
time.  Well, I suppose I'll have to clean this whole mess up later.  
For now, I want both of you to get over here and let me take a good 
look at you!"

    Still a little confused from a combination of exhaustion and 
mutually inflicted concussions, the two bruised men slowly untangled 
themselves from each other to comply with the woman's commands.


    Taking a quick look at their young visitor, the older of the two 
whispered: "So, Ranma, who's this?  She looks familiar, but I can't 
quite place her.  
Some new girlfriend of yours, maybe? She's cute, but I thought bossy 
women like her weren't your type." 

    "Look old man, I've got no clue who that girl that just barged in 
is, but she's getting on my nerves.  I just hope this is not another 
one of your stupid schemes again.  
I'm getting sick of being set up with blind dates every time you meet 
someone with a single daughter.  
You're the one who hasn't seen a woman, much less his own wife, in 
about ten years, not me.  So please, just leave me out of it.  Your 
frustrations with women are your problem, pops, not mine." Replied a 
grumbling Ranma.

    With a shake of her head and a few disapproving tsks, the 
aforementioned girl replied, "You know Dear, whispering like that in 
front of someone else is just rude.  I know you are excited to finally 
see me again, and you are probably just trying to arrange a little 
time alone with me, but I have barely finished a very long trip and 
I'm really worn out.  I've really missed having you around too, 
(especially at night,) but I'm reaaally tired.  
Maybe we can do something later? Just not right now, please?  I would 
probably be quite disappointing to a manly man such as you right now.
Now come on, and get back inside.  I'd like to get to see you both 
before I collapse from exhaustion.  
And could you turn on some lights?  It's getting late and I'd like to 
be able to see you both clearly." 
    
    With an ill-concealed look of fatherly disapproval towards his 
son, Genma complied with the request.

    "She's lyin!  I ain't seen her before in my life, or slept with 
her, or nothing!"  Replied a very flustered Ranma.

    "Honey, what are you talking about?  You used to cry when you 
couldn't sleep with me, and my face would be the first thing you saw 
when you woke up.  You were such a cute baby back then, and now, you 
have grown up to be quite a handsome young man.
Besides, I was speaking to your father, my husband.  
Genma, dear, you think you could give me a back rub when I get in to 
take a bath?  I'm a little sore from traveling, and you're soo good 
with your hands.  
Ranma-honey, you really should get your father to teach you some of 
his other techniques, as some of them are really quite good.  His 
back rubs, in particular, will melt any girl to butter.  
A handsome, manly young man like yourself should have plenty of 
willing girls just waiting for a chance with you to use those 
techniques on them.  Trust me, they'll love it."
    
    "..."  After a few minutes of stunned silence, a very 
uncomfortable Ranma finally reacted with a cracking of knuckles and a 
loud  "Yo, Pops!  We need to talk.  Now.  Ya better have a very good 
explanation for this!"

    Too stunned to respond, a shocked Genma still remained at a loss 
for words.  It was perhaps fortunate for him that his 'wife' chose 
that time to speak, and briefly prolong his continued existence.  

    "Son, I'm glad you are so eager to learn, but cracking your 
knuckles doesn't really help.  Besides, he doesn't have to show you 
right now, does he?  I'm going in to take a bath, and I wanted him to 
scrub my back the way he used to before I left."  Unfortunately for 
Ranma's resolve, the combined strength of an ultra-cute smile and big, 
batting eyes, followed by a "Pleaaase, dear?" reduced his will to 
jelly for long enough to agree to the strange girl's demands.  With a 
brief question to verify if the bath supplies and towels were still at 
the usual spot near the bathroom, the girl left to take her bath.
    
    Both men had found themselves agreeing to the strange girl's 
requests before they could quite realize what was happening to them.  
However, Ranma still retained enough presence of mind to prevent his 
father's rushed escape through the back door. This would have been 
quite an impressive feat in Genma's misspent youth, but those days 
were long past.  As it was, it was merely a matter of grabbing the 
collar of a dingy white gi at the appropriate time and place.  
Why was pops wearing that ratty old thing now, anyway?  He usually 
wore more normal clothing for everyday.  Oh well, not important.  
"All right, old man...  
...WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON WITH THAT GIRL?  
WHO IS SHE?  
HOW DOES SHE KNOW THIS HOUSE, AND WHY DOES SHE CLAIM TO BE YOUR WIFE?" 
She can't be much older than me if we knew each other when we were 
little.  So... She has to be about my age.  
I know I can't get married yet, so unless she's older than me, and she 
just got married to you...  So, it's gotta be invalid or illegal or 
something.
But... She really only looks about my age, or maybe even a little 
younger, and it sounded like she knew both pops and the house a little 
too well, so those two have known each other for a while, which 
means... 
... 
"...EWWW, THAT IS JUST TOO SICK AND DISGUSTING!  
I KNEW YOU WEREN'T PERFECT, OLD MAN, BUT THIS IS JUST WRONG!  
You musta met that girl by a Junior High or somethin' an brought her 
here several times before!  I don't even wanna know what you done with 
her to make her think she's married t'ya now, but you better send her 
back home, quick!  
    I really hope there's a really good explanation for all a this, 
and that this ain't what ya mean by the 'loyal husband' crap you been 
trying to pull on me all these times, because otherwise, I'm calling 
the cops and leaving this place.  You might be my father, but family 
loyalty only goes so far, old man."

    "Boy, your poor trust for me hurts!  You can't really believe That 
Girl?  I'd never, ever, ever cheat on your mother!  
Come on, when have I ever lied to you?"  Replied a very upset Genma.

    "Gee, let's see...  You wanna long list, or just this week?"

    "OK, fine.  Carry a grudge.  I make one or two mistakes here and 
there, and you get reminded forever.  When have I lied about anything 
really important?"

    Unfortunately for Genma, what could have been an enlightening 
discussion of his son's personal priorities was interrupted by a 
mature female voice heading towards them from the direction of the 
bathroom.

    "Genma!  Ranma!   Are you two gonna argue all night?  I got tired 
of waiting, so I finished my bath already.  I don't know what you two 
are so upset about, but I could hear the noise all the way in the 
bathroom!"  Suppressing a yawn, the woman continued.  "I want you both 
to stop it this instant, and go to bed.  It's late, I'm tired, and 
tomorrow is a school day, so I'll have to get up early to make some 
bentos, plus I don't want to see you two fighting like that in the 
house.  
So whatever it was, put it behind you for now, or take it out to the 
dojo tomorrow after school, if you have to." 

    With a heavy glomp, a very loud "YOU'RE HOME!  I'VE MISSED YOU SO 
MUCH, DEAR!" and a few un-manly tears of joy, Genma Saotome was 
finally reunited with his beloved wife of sixteen years. "Where were 
you?  I was expecting you much earlier today, but it doesn't matter, 
you are here now.  That is all that matters to me.  How have you been? 
Where have you been?  Did you miss us?  I missed you.  Please don't 
leave again!"

    A few moments later, during a small pause in Genma's constant 
questioning and prattling, a much quieter voice made two important 
questions.  "Excuse me ma'am, but who are you?  And, what happened to 
the girl who went into the bathroom earlier?" 

    Looking up from a still emotional Genma, Nodoka answered with a 
"Huh?  Are you OK, son?  I think I introduced myself when I came in 
and saw you guys in the living room.  I'm your mother, Nodoka.  
Nobody else has been in the bathroom since I went in to take a bath, 
son.  What did this girl look like, Ranma?"

    "Well, she was about my age, with bright red hair, about as long 
as yours, I think.  She was a bit shorter than me, and was wearing a 
slightly oversized kimono.  Actually, that kimono looked like it would 
probably fit you, ...mom."  

    "I think her eyes were the same color as yours, dear, and now that 
I think about it, she reminded me of a lot of you when you were 
younger."  Replied a more composed, happy husband.

    With a big yawn and sleepy eyes, Nodoka replied.  "Well, I think I 
would remember seeing someone who looked so much like me around, but I 
haven't seen anyone but you two since I got here."  With a mischievous 
twinkle in her eye, she continued.  "Genma dear, I am falling asleep 
here, so I'm going to bed.  Care to join me?"


======================================================================


Well, if you've made it this far, it is probably time for an Official
Disclaimer break.

1. As you should no doubt know by now, the characters and situations
used are not mine.  They belong to someone else.  It is not my intent
to make a profit out of this at all.  
(If you feel strangely compelled to give me your money anyway, e-mail
me privately, and I'll arrange to make something ORIGINAL for you to
pay me for.  Just don't do it for anything like this, or we're liable
to end in legal trouble for it.)

2. Given the emphasis on this version of Nodoka, some amount of
suggestive material may be present throughout this fic.  Be prepared
to wander into Lime territory.  If this type of material offends you,
I apologize, and fully expect you to delete it from your inbox upon
receipt.

As usual C&C is Good, Flames are Bad, and Chocolate is yummy!


Now, here's the rest of the chapter:


======================================================================


    Laying awake in bed, Ranma pondered the strange events that had 
led to tonight's strange reunion.  

    It had apparently begun in that same living room, only a few hours 
earlier that evening.  A common argument was being repeated, as he 
discussed certain family matters with his balding, corpulent father.  

    "Look pops, I don't care what you say.  There's just no way mom's 
ever coming back!  She's gone, she left us, and you'll just have to 
deal!  I can barely remember what she looks like no more!  
I know you still claim that she's on some kinda 'training' trip, and 
that those letters and post cards we get every once in a while really 
are from her, but come on!  That trick mighta worked on me when I was 
a little kid, but for you to carry it for ten years is just too much!  
Admit it: You're full of it!  Don'tcha think a normal person woulda 
been back by now?  Nobody goes on training trips that are that long!  
You should have just accepted that she's gone and moved on with your 
life, dad.  I know I have."

    "Ungrateful brat!  Your mother has suffered through many hardships 
to improve herself!  It takes time and commitment to become proficient 
at anything, particularly martial arts skills.  
So it has taken your mother a while to improve her skills to level 
appropriate to her station in our family! The least you could do is 
show some patience."  
No matter how hard I tried to convince her to learn something else, 
she insisted on kendo and other sword forms.  Nothing pleases me more 
than seeing to her happiness, but she was just plain dangerous before 
all this.  It pains me to admit that it was not due to the skill she 
displayed with that katana of hers.  Oh gods and ancestors, please let 
her have learned some control!  Or at the very least, a better sword 
gripping technique, please.
Heh.  That is one thing Ranma and Nodoka have in common, they are both 
stubborn as mules.  
"Besides, according to this postcard I just got, you are completely 
wrong.  The woman I married, your mother, is coming home!  She will be 
here soon, and I will not have you give her any of your lip!  So 
there! Nyaa!"  With a red-eye gesture and an enormously self-righteous 
grin, The portly patriarch of the Saotome family started waving a 
travel-worn postcard just slightly away from his son's reach.

    "I don't believe you, old man!  That's just another one out of 
your sick perverted collection of postcards!  What kind of a woman 
would send her family nudie girl postcards?  What's even worse, is 
your pretending to keep them for the FAKE, CRAPPY, SENTIMENTAL 
NONSENSE in the back side!  Gimme that, I'm gonna burn it along with 
the rest of them, and kick you out of the house to find yourself a 
REAL woman!"  

    Tucking the postcard into a fold of his gi, and getting into a 
ready stance, Genma taunted the boy.  "You'll have to take it from me 
first!  That is, if you really can, boy!"

    "Heh."  Pausing for a second to take a quick look around their 
neatly kept living room, the young man coolly asked his father,  "Are 
you sure you want me to beat you here, pops?  It'll tear the house up, 
and then you'll make me clean everything up. (By myself. Again.)  
You'll claim to be too beat-up and sore to do anything, and just lie 
down on the couch.  
Wouldn't you rather take this out in back, in the yard, and save us 
both a lot of trouble?  
That way, after I beat you up, you'll already be part way outside, so 
It'll be no trouble at all for you to head on out and see if some 
woman takes pity on you.  Because, with your looks, I don't see how 
else you'll get a date, much less find yourself a new wife."

    Relaxing into an exaggeratedly thoughtful pose, Genma replied with 
a condescending smile.  "Hmm.  You could be right about a few things 
after all.  
It is obvious you've forgotten what your own mother looks like, or 
you'd realize what a load of crap you've just said.  
But then again, your grades prove that sitting around doing nothing 
all day at that fancy high school of yours has only damaged what 
little bits of sense you may have had.  
It has probably made your body as soft as your head, as well.  
Yes, it would probably be best for Poor Little Ranma not to spar at 
all today.  It would be much better for all of us if I just fix him a 
warm cup of milk and send the good little boy upstairs for a short nap 
instead.  That way, he won't be so cranky by dinner time, when MY 
DEVOTED WIFE, YOUR MOTHER, NODOKA, WHOM YOU WILL RESPECT, gets home." 
Having said that, he quickly assumed a tighter stance and continued 
with a smirk. "Or maybe you're just too scared to find out how much 
worse than your old man you really are?" 

    With a growl and an angry glare, Ranma leaped.  "ARRGHH!  Forget 
about the stupid postcard, pops.  This time you are going down!   
Nobody, not even you, calls me stupid to my face, dares to treat me 
like a three-year old, and lives!"  After that, the sparring session 
had somehow eventually degenerated into a brawl that spilled over into 
the backyard, after trashing most of the open space inside the house.  
Then that odd girl showed up, disappeared, and mom actually showed
up.  
All in all a rather busier day than he had expected when he woke up 
that morning.

-- 
"There is nothing in this world of value...
 Nothing worth risking our lives for...
	 ...except 'erhaps... 
	...what little we can create ourselves."
		Daisuke Ido (Gunnm / Battle Angel)
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