I like the idea, and the story flows well, but you've got quite a bit of
OOcness going on with Ranma and Akane.
Mamoru was shocked fully awake by this revelation. "You
mean, you found something?"
Ichiro smiled and held up a manila envelope, "Mostly on
your Mother's side of the family."
<<<<<
This implies he found a little on his father's side, too, but I don't
see that anywhere.
"Well..." he fiddled with his hands for a few moments
before he continued, "Your mother was the one driving the day
your parents died. I'm sorry."
"My parents were killed... because of her bad sense of
direction?"
<<<<<
That just sounds wrong... I mean, she might not pick the right streets
to go on, but surely she can stay on the road under normal
circumstances. Perhaps you should have the PI respond with:
"I wouldn't say that, exactly. She was a decent driver, according
to the records, but she probably wouldn't have been on that dangerous
road in the middle of a storm if she'd not been lost."
Or something like that... otherwise, you've got a parent with a problem
she knows about, or should know about, causing her and her husband's
death and orphaning her son... which is kinda depressing, having similar
emotional impact as if you'd said she crashed because she was driving
drunk, or had an epileptic seizure, or had poor eyesight. An accident
due to natural causes [a storm, or a poor road with a steep gully, or
something like that], even if complicated by a disability, is rather
different emotionally from a crash due *entirely* to a disability she
/should have known about/ is another.
Of course, if you're *trying* to paint his mother in a bad light,
nevermind me.
"Be careful Usagi-chan," Ami cautioned her, "There's
enough strangeness in Nerima to make me wonder why the
Negaverse decided against starting their attacks there."
"Oh?"
"Yes, things like Youma attacks might have actually gone
unnoticed until it was too late." Ami sighed, "Promise me that
you'll be careful."
<<<<<
More like the youma would have gotten their collective asses kicked even
faster than in Juuban :) But seriously, one assumes that the youma pick
Juuban because that's the only place they *can* go... otherwise, they
would choose random places all over the world (far far away from the
Senshi), rather than staying just in the Senshi's home town.
"Oh. Ranma?"
"What?"
"Do you want to spar in a little bit?"
Ranma gave her a funny look and then shrugged, "Yeah,
sure. I could help ya train fer a bit."
"Really?" She asked with a mild blush. She sat there
for a moment, waiting for Ranma to say something, but no answer
came. When she looked around, she found herself alone in the
dining room.
<<<<<
This seems new. Since when is Ranma willing to train Akane... and just
as important, since when is Akane willing to ask Ranma to train her?
One might assume that it's due to character development, but nothing in
particular seems to have happened to *cause* it. Did they just start
magically getting along?
"When you're ready." He shrugged, "Right now, I don't
think your ready."
"Alright then. What do I need to do to be ready?"
"Take the Art seriously. I can't train ya seriously
until you take the Art seriously yerself." Ranma paused for a
moment and watched her face slowly turn red. "Let's face it
<<<<<
Where's he suddenly getting this insight from? Sure, he could figure
out that this is her problem if he thought about it, but since when does
Ranma ever use the stuff between his ears unless he absolutely has to?
Ranma slowly turned his head to face Akane directly
again. "Ya see what I mean? No focus, no control, just yer
stupid anger."
"So I'm stupid now too?" Akane growled
Ranma slowly turned his head to face Akane directly again. "Ya
see what I mean? No focus, no control, just yer stupid anger."
"So I'm stupid now too?" Akane growled, "Anything else,
o' great and wise one?" She asked sarcastically
<<<<<
A bit of repetition here. And you need a period after sarcastically.
"That's quite enough of that!" Soun said sternly, "I've
told the both of you before that this dojo is for training, not
brawling!"
"You worry me, boy. I taught you better than this."
Genma said as Ranma and Akane knelt in front of their fathers
in preparation for another lecture.
<<<<<
Who are these pod people who have replaced Ranma and Akane? Kneel in
front of their fathers to listen to a lecture? Yeah, right.
"No way! No way am I going to be married to such a
pervert!" Akane snapped.
"Like I want some uncute tomboy like yerself!" Ranma
half yelled back, a flaring red handprint on his cheek a silent
<<<<<
This dialogue sounds, but...
"There's too many differences Dad!" Akane retorted.
"No kidding, you're a klutzy, uncute tomboy that can't
even boil water without written directions and close
supervision!"
<<<<<
This doesn't. Ranma generally doesn't insult her unless she's insulting
him, or in him saying he won't marry her. Also, he might use uncute
tomboy, but not klutzy unless she's just moments ago [or currently]
trying some kind of martial arts stuff and screwing up, or while she's
attacking him and not succeeding... he wouldn't use it *before* they
fight, while they're still just talking.
"So," Ryouga said sadly, "Aunt Yuriko died a long time
ago. Mom always did wonder why she stopped writing."
<<<<<
Wouldn't Ryouga have been pretty small when this happened? How would he
have remembered his mom mentioning this?
Ranma perked up suddenly as an idea hit him. "Hey, mind
if I go with ya and keep my old buddy from getting too far out
of shape?"
<<<<<
Sounds like he's asking if he can come along to see where the place is,
and maybe visit regularly.
"What?" Ryouga asked, totally confused by Ranma's change
in attitude.
"You'd dare to leave Akane here alone?" Genma demanded.
<<<<<
"Here" ? "alone" ? It's her house, she's lived there her whole life.
Where is he leaving her that would be so bad? Especially since from the
way he phrased it, it sounds like he's just planning on leaving for the
afternoon.
"Feh. The way I see it, I'll be able to live fer a while
without gettin' pounded every time I turn around!"
<<<<<
Ok, now he indicates he's planning on moving out... sudden upgrade from
taking an afternoon walk.
Ryouga looked over at where Akane and Ranma continued to
argue until she finally pounded him into the floor. "Well, it
would be good if he came along to keep me there for a while."
He admitted haltingly.
Ranma sprang up, "Great, I'll go get my pack!"
<<<<<
Ehh? When did Mamoru say Ranma could come? Or is he just presuming?
Also, the whole idea of Ranma leaving... what's wrong with the standard
cliche'd item of Ranma's mom's house being in Juuban?
"You ain't going nowhere, boy!" Genma yelled.
"And how do ya think you can stop me?" Ranma retorted.
"Simple! I get rid of him!" Genma replied as he leapt
to attack Mamoru.
<<<<<
Oh, come on, this isn't sensible, even for Genma. What does he hope to
accomplish? Kill Mamoru?
With a great splash, Genma landed in the pond, soaking
Ryouga. With a despairing squeal, P-chan worked his way out of
his clothes.
"R-R-Ryouga?!?" Akane gasped, "You, you're... P-chan?!?"
<<<<<
Sigh. Pig-boy's managed for a year or two to avoid her discovering his
curse, why does it have to be now? Don't you think you're going a bit
fast?
Usagi looked on, horrified. She couldn't believe that
Akane was kicking the poor piglet. One particularly powerful
kick sent P-chan hurtling into her chest, knocking her off her
feet. She looked down at the battered form of P-chan and held
him protectively as Akane walked over.
<<<<<
"The poor piglet"? Did she not see him change, even though she was
standing right there? Surely it would be "She couldn't believe that
Akane was kicking her Mamo-chan's suddenly pig-shaped cousin" or
somesuch.
"Chill out Akane!" Ranma said as he moved between them.
"The way I see it, it was you who decided that Ryouga was going
to be your little pet piggy!"
Akane turned her glare towards Ranma. "And just why
didn't you tell me about this? You're just as bad as he is!"
"Man, what is it with girls? Do they always get like
this before... um.. er... never mind... Uh oh..." Ranma winced
as he saw Akane go from volatile to full-blown fury.
<<<<<
I would expect him to say, "I made a promise, dammit! Man, what is it
with you?" etc.. And "like this before..." is she about to be on her
period or something? What is he refering to, and what does she think
he's referring to?
Hmm, much less OOCness in the rest of the story, and quite a few good
lines: "By the time it was obvious that you weren't luring him into a
false sense of security or nothin', Ryouga was already in there taking
over fer ya." Good assement of cape-boy's fighting skills :)
Hmm, I think Setsuna's analogy would be better with a piece of rope or
string, seperating in to threads, than a stick.. especially since she
*breaks* the stick.
Also, "Just being near them can be dangerous. They may unwittingly
destroy Crystal Tokyo, maybe even the Earth." This is like blaming
butterflies for hurricanes. She's exaggerating, or at least not stating
it very well -- it wouldn't be *them* destroying, it would be their
actions indirectly resulting in the destruction, etc. Ok, pretty big
butterflies :)
"Oh, Luna, I saw the most saddest thing ever today! Akane and Ranma are
engaged to each other, but they don't seem to like each other at all!
She's always yelling and hitting him and stuff!" Hasn't anyone
mentioned to this girl that it's an arranged marriage?
"I don't care!" Usagi snapped, "I'm not going to allow
any of the Senshi to kill an innocent person just because they
may harm Crystal Tokyo just by living!"
That's Usagi all right :)
"Uhm... I'm kinda camping in a park." Ranma admitted
while rubbing the back of his head.
Ahh, so he *isn't* staying at Mamoru's.
He shook his head when he found that the front door had a note on it
saying 'Do Not Open!'
"I'm not that bad." he muttered as he continued looking.
hehe, oh yes he is :)
"Keepin' bacon breath from bleedin' on ya." Ranma said
as he stuffed a tissue into each of Ryouga's nostrils.
"I thought the blood was supposed to rush elsewhere..."
Ami commented before suffering the startled looks of her
friends. She looked away, her face as red as a tomato.
*laugh* :)
"Uhm... I think that's your evil over there." Ranma said
to the Senshi.
<<<<<
I think the bit preceding this is funny, but wouldn't they have spoken
up earlier? Especially since they spotted it just after Jupiter asks
"Any idea as to where it is?"
"I'm not sure, but it was almost as if they concentrated
a portion of their life energy into an attack."
"Emotions..." Sailor Mars gasped, "Such overpowering
emotions!"
<<<<<
I thought she was a trained Shinto miko, and knew how to use her ki [for
doing fire readings, for charging ofuda, etc]. Surely she shouldn't be
this overwhelmed.
"I'm sorry I couldn't help..." Sailor Chibi Moon said, a
bit shame faced. Sailor Mars smiled and patted the top of her
head.
Hmm, I guess Ranma and Ryouga aren't in Crystal Tokyo, or at least
Chibi-usa doesn't recognize them. Erm, nevermind, of course they're not
in CT, since their being around disrupts/prevents it.
Minako thought back to what Usagi had said right before
the Daimon attack. "Wait a second, is your curse why, what's
her name? Akane, was so mad at you? You never told her did
you?"
<<<<<
How'd she jump to such an intelligent conclusion? I mean, this *is*
Minako talking here.
Whoo! I reached the end... what alot of C&C...
Anyway, it's an interesting plot, the prose is good, I didn't spot any
typoes or grammoes. There were some [minor?] plot holes ("Mostly on
your Mother's side of the family." and then no mention at all of
Mamoru's father, no mention at all of Ranma's mom), and some major
OOCness between Ranma and Akane, but most or all of it should be fixable
without *too* much effort.
I can understand a bit about Akane, due to the potion, but she's even
OOC from being OOC... since most of the potions Shampoo's tried are
magic, they go to work instantly... for the first few moments after
Akane drunk the tea, she was acting normal, even overly nice [to Ranma],
at least before they got to the dojo.