On Wed, Aug 15, 2001 at 10:18:42PM -0400, MadPsyence@aol.com wrote:
Well, Greetings everyone. I recently joined FFML.. I hope to hear from
everyone eventually about one thing or another.
This is the 1st idea I ever bothered to write out.. please C&C. Flame if you
like.. I don't mind being burned.
Well, I guess I'm on a C&C kick for today, so here you go.
"Dead Run" Part 1
Ranma 1/2 was created and is owned by people other than me.
Inspired by the works of Niel Gaiman.
Would you be referring to "The Sandman"? I've never read it, but I
hear it's good. I do hope we're not expected to be familiar with it.
Nerima district
Tokyo,
Japan
The night, like nights before it, was dark. People slept during the
night, and the night was seen as lonely and antisocial. An occasional figure
A metaphor would work better than a simile in this case:
"The night was lonely and antisocial."
Perhaps you might further reword that sentence into:
"People slept during the night; it was lonely and antisocial."
Or something to that effect.
(snip)
A little figure, roughly about 60 cm (2 feet) in height, bounded from one
I'd change it to "half a meter". Using numerals for anything under 100
is generally bad, and you really don't need to be that exact.
roof top to the next, stopping to inspect each window or porch he came
across. Grubby hands would snatch things and stuff them in to a half full
Hmm. Given what little I know about Happosai, I'd expect him to keep
himself fairly clean, so as not to dirty up his "prizes". He'd have no
chance at ALL of getting Ranma-chan into some of his treasures if he
didn't keep them clean, I think.
(snip)
"I came to tell you, Happosai, to watch my family. They need someone to
watch them and I'm enlisting you to help me. Understand?" At his nod she bent
Happosai? Sure, he's powerful and all, but he doesn't have what I'd
call the world's best sense of morals. Surely someone else would have
been a better choice? Or is this to be Happosai's redemption? Is this
another element from Gaiman.
(snip)
~~~~
Well... here is the first fanfic I have manage to post...and may even get a
few chapters up within the week.. yay.
Let me know what you think. It will make the story more enjoyable. heh.
~~~~
My interest is piqued; I'd be glad to read more. This was a pretty
darn good first fanfic.