Okay, so TM is best known as a video game. But the
first game had an OAV
and TM is huge in Japan so in my book that's close
enough.
Hmm, TM2 fanfic in English? A very bold
attempt,
considering how little non-Japanese know about this
series.
Tomorrow is graduation day. It�s strange. When I
first entered high
school I dreaded every new day. There were even days
when I was sure I�d
rather quite school then get up and endure another
day.
Don't you mean "quit" instead of "quite"?
All I�d wanted was to be alone and now someone had
come along and ruined
it. He was wearing a gym outfit so I guessed he�d
just gotten out of gym
class and had come to the roof to cool off. He gave
me a glance and a
nod and then went over to the end of the roof far
from where I was. I
gave a mental shrug and went back to looking at the
school yard. As long
as he was willing to stay over there and leave me
alone I could live was
with sharing the roof.
Why is that "was" in there?
I was so lost in my own thoughts that I almost
didn�t notice him when he
came over and spoke to me a few minutes later. I'm
embarrassed to say
this, but I don�t really remember exactly what it
was he said now. It
was just a casual comment, the type you might make
to a stranger on the
street, but it was the first time since I�d started
school that anyone
had made any sort of an effort to talk to me.
After that he introduced himself. I was honestly a
little annoyed by him
talking to me. Couldn�t he tell by the way I was
standing that I wanted
to be alone? I remember wondering if he�d picked on
my feelings simply
by the way I�d said �My name is Kaori Yae�.
We chatted for a few minutes about unimportant
things and then he said
goodbye and headed for his next class. I thought I
was glad to be alone
again. But then it dawned on me. I couldn�t really
remember the last
time I�d had a simple conversation with someone like
that. People kept
their distance from me and I stayed away from them.
But for some reason
I realized I�d enjoyed that little chat with the boy
I�d just met. It�d
been a very long time since I�d enjoyed doing
anything with anyone.
Interesting. This part is quite different from
the actual conversation in the game. Did you make it
purposely different?
Then one day the phone rang. It was him and he was
asking me out on a
date. A real date. I almost dropped the phone I was
so surprised. I
managed to get control of myself and, with a bit of
courage I didn�t
know I had, said yes. We then talked for a bit,
agreed to go to a movie
and were and when we�d met.
This part might have worked better if Kaori
rejected his offer the first few times, like she does
in the game. In my case, it was at my fifth try that
she agreed to go out with my character.
school. Even I�d heard
that he�d already gone out on dates with Hikari,
Akane, Miho, Kaedeko
and a few of the other girls at school. Now it
seemed he wanted to go
out with me.
You might want to insert parts of Kaori feeling
jealous toward other girls in latter scenes,
especially
with Hikari.
He�d called me about the date Sunday evening and we
were to go out that
Friday night. But all though that week of school the
Don't you mean "through"?
question of why
he�d really asked me out kept eating at me. And then
suddenly it was
Friday night. I remember getting ready for our date,
thinking that
maybe, just maybe, this could be the first step back
toward being a
normal girl. I stopped to look in the mirror one
last time before I was
to leave to meet him. I actually smiled a bit,
thinking that I looked
rather nice.
This part made me say "huh?" Until the 3rd
year,
when Kaori's "love points" skyrocket, Kaori comes to
the dates in her school uniform, showing her general
depressiveness toward life. Why did you make her
dress up in here?
Then I ran back to my room, crawled under my
bedcovers, buried my head
under my pillow and cried for a very long time. Why
couldn�t I be
normal? Why was I always alone? Why couldn�t I have
a normal boy like me
for who I am? Why couldn�t I join school clubs, have
friends and go on
dates like a normal girl? Why did my life always
have to be this way?
This part also confused me. Kaori is very much
aware of her antisocial behavior and what caused her
to be this way. This monologue really sounds
unnatural for her.
Why was he asking these things? Did he really care
about my life? Did he
know about my past? Was he someone I could trust?
No, I couldn�t trust
him no matter how nice he seemed. Not him or anyone
else. Not after what
happened in junior high.
I think you are mistaken about this part.
Kaori's (to avoid giving spoilers) "misfortune"
happenned in her previous high school, not in the
junior high.
I�d managed to dodge his questions for the mostpart,
but the turmoil
inside me eventually got to much for me. I said
something curt to him
and simply ran off. Just like a strange girl like
myself would.
Needless to say, I cried myself to sleep again that
night.
I like this part. You implemented the short but
significant event within the game very well into the
story.
After changing into the swimsuit I keep in my gym
locker I headed for
the pool area. Luck was still with me as no one else
was there. I
figured I had maybe two or three hours to swim
before the janitor came
by to close the place up.
I�m not sure how long I spent doing laps around the
pool, diving to the
bottom and seeing how long I could stay there and
things like that. But
eventually I started to get tired and decided to
climb out and rest for
a while. I was sitting by the poolside, not thinking
of much of anything
when I realized that someone had walked up was
standing beside him. It
This sentence is grammatically incorrect. I
suggest "... that someone that had walked up was
standing beside me."
And now here I was faced with a boy who�d been very
kind to me going out
and doing something I could only dream of. Somehow
that just wasn�t
fair! Why should he be able to have those things and
not me?
Great part here. Kaori's jealousy toward the
main character is very believable and realistic.
At least that was how things were until that
faithful ski trip. It was
"Fateful", not "faithful".
On the day of our date he picked me up in his
parent�s car and we headed
In Japan, you can't get a driving license until
you are 18 or older. I think you should have made
them
use the train, like in the game.
about me�I couldn�t even think of that it was so
horrible.
Make a new sentence after "that" or at least add
a comma. It's a run-on sentence otherwise.
It was him. He said hello in a manner more reserved
that his norm and
"Than" misspelled.
a friend who he liked to spend time with and whose
Shouldn't this be "whom" instead of "who"?
things just as we always had. We when reached my
"When" and "we" should be switched around here.
house he asked me if
I�d be interested in going to the aquarium again
this weekend. I
accepted, this time not even trying to hide the
blush on my face.
Kaori, blushing at this stage? Oh well, freedom
of a fanfic, I suppose.
Very good interpretation of Kaori's feeling,
although some parts I had to wonder. I assume this
isn't complete yet? The end seemed too abrupt. Also,
why don't you insert episodes in "Substories #1:
Dancing Summer Vacation" to enrich the storyline?
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