At 08:08 PM 10-08-2001 -0500, Gary Kleppe wrote:
Catching up on the ol' backlog....
You too, huh? o_O;;
*snip*
>currently showing the webpage from The Monster Board. The site
>was supposed to be a headhunter type service for executives, but it
>was still rather new. She hoped it would at least produce something.
It's also mostly U.S.-centric, though it does have some stuff in
Japan. Though of course by the future of this story, it might well
have internationalized more.
Well, considering the time in which I set the story
(approximately 1998) and with the job hunting by foot being so
fruitless, I was thinking she would start trying different avenues.
*snip*
"Heya, Ranma.
Does everyone in the story have to use the same stylized version of
hello? One or two characters using it is a nice touch, but how about
some variety? Or if this is some sort of pop culture catch phrase of the
moment that everyone's using, then we should know.
*cough* It's only pop culture because it seems I'm very
unoriginal. ^_^;;
*snip*
> "Daddy, why don'cha go as a Daddy for ice cream instead of a
>Mommy-Daddy?"
>
> Ranma gulped. "Uh, I'll explain it when yer older. Go get
>yer shoes on, I'll get the girls."
Um, yeah, why? Is this some in-joke I'm missing? Did someone write a
lemon involving female Ranma and ice cream that I'm not remembering,
or something?
It's an in-joke. ^_^;; And if there was a lemon involving
Ranma and ice cream, I don't think I want to know. ^_^;;;
*snip*
NABIKI: Our new subject is: lack of variety in paragraph structure!
Baaah. :P
*snip*
Anyhow... overall impressions: despite all these complaints, I liked
the story. Nabiki trying to deal with joblessness after being a
corporate superstar for so long, and trying to reconcile with her
family, are both very interesting conflicts with a lot of potential.
I would've liked to hear Akane's side of the argument, her reasons
for holding such a long grudge against Nabzy, much earlier than we
did.
The writing was not at all bad either. One thing I did note was
a tendency to give Nabiki's opinion of things, which presumably
we're intended to trust, without letting us see these things for
ourselves. Instead of just having Nabby note that Ranma is a whiz
in the kitchen, it's more convincing to let her watch him in action
and describe what she does in there, so we can draw the same
conclusion for ourselves.
Well, the thing is, the story is shown through Nabiki's
viewpoint. It's up to the reader to decide whether Nabiki's opinion
is a trusting viewpoint or not. One cannot always have the impartial
take on things. If the reader thinks Nabiki is a reliable observer,
then they form one conclusion. If not, then it's another conclusion.
To me, that's the charm of it.
Not much else to say except that I'd tend to agree with what someone
else said, that you're writing Ranma's speech a little too rough for
my tastes. And of course, puh-LEEEEEEZE lose the gratuitous Japanese.
It's a major annoyance in what is otherwise a very enjoyable story.
*cough* /Ev'one/ said, Ranma's speech is too rough. ^_^;;
I'm going to fix that.
Thanks for the comments though. I'm definitely going to need
to put some real effort into this next revision. ^_^;;
Lany
______________________________________________________________________
Delany Brittain
turtyl@montana.com ,
turtyl@megami.net
turtyll @ AIM, 19152118 @ ICQ
http://turtyl.megami.net/
Student, Uni. of Montana; Member, Studio YOGIPIGS; Aspiring, Author
-----
Ranma-onna did her best 'Kawaii' routine, sparkles and all.
"With a smile on my face and a song in my heart."
--Saotome Ranma, "Kasumi and the Gaki" by Jack Staik
"When it comes to hitting .400, (real) close is just like
horseshoes and hand grenades, at least in the court of
public opinion."
--Rob Neyer, ESPN.com
The Megami Project --
http://www.megami.net/
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