Steven Avery wrote:
This is a first fanfic.
Scared yet?
Yes. Fortunately, I tend to extend the benefit of the doubt for at
least 2 paragraphs, no matter who it is.
OK, I confess. I skipped a page down to see if anything happened. And I
got intrigued. Didn't read the beginning until I'd finished the rest.
An exceptionally well done and unusual style for anybodies
Journey From the West: Prolog
A picture perfect day graced the entirety of Japan.
And though the day was indeed lovely, nowhere was the birdsong more
sweet, the streaming sunlight more cheerful, and the soft breeze more
refreshing on that day than in that quaint prefecture known as Nerima.
Tendo Dojo, Nerima Ward, Tokyo July 23rd 1996 6:05 am
The street sounds of the surrounding neighborhood had only just begun
to increase in volume enough to indicate that people were preparing for the
busy day ahead.
A bit long and unneccessary. The mood established by the preceding
paragraphs isn't anything the following one isn't perfectly sufficient
to set.
Songbirds chirped in the trees of the Tendo Dojo. The fish in the
generously sized koi pond made a few audible splashes that only reinforced
the tranquility of the garden. All was at peace. All was serene.
That the Tendo Koi pond still existed stands as a testament to the
doggedness of Soun Tendo. Many lesser men would have given up taking care of
it long ago.
In the past year, care of the pond had gone from an occasional
nuisance, to an almost Herculean task for the Tendo patriarch.
The poor fish had been so traumatized in that year, by a routine
aerial bombardment of martial artists, that they'd developed a unique
Piscean version of paranoia toward anything vaguely human or panda shaped.
Of course, if one is familiar with the Tendo Dojo, it's not actually so
unreasonable to see why such a thing could happen.
Any moment though, one could expect to see a 17 year old boy dressed in
a red silk shirt and loose black cotton pants to come rocketing on the scene
in a display of ridiculous acrobatic proficiency.
Yep, any minute now.
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Well, chances are, when he does show up, he'll be yelling at the top of
his lungs at his father about being woken up out of a sound sleep to take
part in
sparing practice.
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Then again, it's just as possible that he'll not be doing that at all.
Instead, he might be in the middle of being assaulted by his primary fianc�e
for some insult to her skills at cooking or martial arts.
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Of course he might not have insulted her on just those two topics.
Nope, he might have insulted her weight, her cuteness, her femininity or any
of a host of other character traits that any mention of became an "Akane
Tendo approved, malleting offense".
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All this said, it's also possible that he'll just be running around,
being chased by one of his innumerable other fianc�es, while the
aforementioned primary fianc�e seeks to unite his cranium with a 30 kilo
wooden mallet.
The possible reasons for Ranma Saotome being seen, running all over
Tendo compound, are nearly endless.
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Yep, any minute now.
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Well, I suppose none of this information really matters in the slightest
you know.
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Why?
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Because you'd be in for a long wait if you kept expecting to see any of
these things right now.
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You see, I have a secret for you.
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Listen very carefully, because after this section, the author won't be
heard
from again in the story.
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You see... the Tendo home is
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empty.
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That's right... as in "nobody at home."
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"Where are they?" you ask.
Well... I'll get to that, all in good time.
This entire section is wonderful. I have never seen a better parody of
the "it's a typical day in Nerima" intro. It breaks every single rule I
know of how to write an effective beginning for a story and works
beautifully. Other's milage may vary, but I suggest trimming everything
before my first comment so that the reader gets to this part quicker.
First an explanation of this fic.
This story started off as an attempt at parody for the insertion
type fics that abound out there in Ranma fic land. Mainly the "New Character
appears and solves everyone's problems" kind of fic. I'll not even touch on
the "self insert"
fics out there.
(Well, I like Carrot Glace's insert fics, they have a good laugh in them all
the time, most of the others are unreadable.)
I thought to myself, "Why not poke a little fun at this sort of story
while also trying out an idea no-one else has tried?"
Well, some things happened and this story was born.
Cut this. Put it at the end. The humorous feeling from the earlier part
carried me through, but it really interupts the flow of the story. I can
see the purpose of dividing the earlier part from what follows, but
something shorter - ideally, even some of the actual story - would do
far better than several paragraphs of author's notes.
DISCLAIMER
Ranma and Co. are not owned by me, nor were they created by me.
They were created by Rumiko Takahashi and I stand in awe of Takahashi-sama
and her
remarkable creativity. Suing me would be unproductive for the companies like
Viz and Kitty who publish her works.
That said, I'd like to bring up a couple things about writing.
I'll not be using brackets, or greater than and less than signs to
enclose Chinese, Panda sign talk, or all the things you find in Ranma fics.
I've been told it's bad grammar, and I feel my writing is bad enough on it's
own that I don't need to add to it capriciously.
There are author's notes at the end of this prolog. I highly encourage you
to read them
But basically know that all the events in the Manga took place over the
span of a single year.
The year is now 1996 and Ranma is preparing for his 2nd year in high school.
Confused? Read the notes.
So I think that gets everyone up to speed about the who, what, when,
and where. Right?
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Oh, you want still want to know where the Tendos and the rest are?
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Halfway up a mountain in a remote part of China. Where else would they be?
3:23pm July 23rd,1996 Purple Cloud Mountain, Wudang Mountains, Hubei
Province ,Central China
Half way up a mountain in rural China with the Nerima wrecking crew had
become the last place she wanted to be anymore.
Even with the new faces they had along, some of whom seemed to be faring
about as badly as herself, it was just too annoying for words.
The reference to the Nerima wrecking crew seemed jarring to me here.
You've avoided/twisted all the fanfic cliches up until now. Having one
seriously and casually used breaks that mood. I suggest something like
"mud stained martial artists" or "the local loonies" instead. Or maybe
something more obviously Nabiki, if you want to reveal that already (I
noticed you avoided naming her for several paragraphs).
To see herself getting beaten into the ground day in and day out by the
pace they had set, and have to watch these martial arts nutcases still able
to bounce around like hyperactive rubber balls, just grated on her nerves.
"I'm killing myself here, and they're treating this like a stroll in
the park. Why'd I volunteer for this abuse?"
Feeling each and every ache that her calves and thighs burned with,
Nabiki Tendo wailed to herself internally.
"Dear God, why are you doing this to me? Why can't things be like they
were? Is that too much to ask for? I swear, I'll never ask for anything in
my
life again."
She switched her walking stick to the other hand, hoping the blisters on
that hand wouldn't bother her as much.
"What I wouldn't give to have things back to the way they were. I mean,
Ranma and his million and one fianc�es piece'a cake. Even the martial arts
Need punctuation after 'fiancees'. A question mark probably.
crap he and his father wake the house up with every damn morning, no
problem. I just don't think I can take too much more of THIS."
She cast a glance up ahead, only to see the broad shoulders of Genma
Saotome and her father as they walked 20 yards ahead of her on the mountain
path.
Nitpicking, but there really isn't much else to do with this part of
the fic: 20 yards is unneccessary and slightly interupts the flow of the
paragraph. I think it should be removed - it's obvious they are fairly
close, since she can see their shoulders.
They moved with an easy gait, giving her the impression that they were
man-shaped boulders, rolling along inexorably; large packs resting heavily
on their backs, but seemly impervious to the weight that they bore.
Nabiki grimaced, wondering how they made it look so easy.
Maybe something stronger than wondering? 'Damning' would seem to fit
her mood better and 'wondering' is repeated in the next paragraph.
Shifting her pack a bit, she tried to imitate them, to get more
comfortable with the weight, wondering for the thousandth time what the
trick was.
She looked out to her left, to the unobstructed view of the horizon
that their altitude provided. They were up high, and the mountainside their
path was on sloped steeply down and away from her. Somehow, the paving
Again, nitpicking to remove any unneeded words: '... and the
mountainside sloped steeply down and away from the path.'. Entirely
nitpicking and personal preferance. Ignore at will.
stones that the path was made of kept this route up the mountain clear.
Not sure exactly what this is supposed to mean. There's no debry on the
path? Or did you mean that the path is somehow stable and safe despite
the steep slopes?
Down below, she could see the mist filled bamboo forest and valleys
that they'd all had to navigate to get to where they now found themselves.
"now found themselves" -> "were now".
Again, my preference for minimum wordage rears it's ugly head.
She tried to appreciate the beauty of the scenery, but found that she
just was too weary, blister ridden, hot, and uncomfortably damp from the
frequent warm rain showers that kept falling on them, to give a damn about
the lovely panorama that nature had provided her.
I think the ',' after 'them' is not needed. Second opinion?
Unconsciously moving closer to the mountainside, she sighed and started
trudging along again.
Might want to indicate which side she moved to - I think you mean the
upwards slope, but I'm not sure.
"Oi Nabiki, get a move on will ya?" Ranma urged her from behind, "We gotta
get up to the top before sunset. Yer slower than that tomboy sister of yours
ya know."
Generic Ranma taunt #2. I think it would be better to have him say
Akane's name. IMO, it'd be even better to compare her to Soun, who Ranma
doesn't have a lot of respect for as a martial artist. That way you
don't risk clueing in your readers about who has been kidnapped.
Nabiki glanced back, blasting Ranma with the highest setting of her
'Nabiki Tendo Icy Glare of Death �'.
Oblivious to the subtleties of her angry glare, Ranma bounced along,
his face smooth of even a hint of a thought in his head.
'smooth' - > 'innocent'? 'empty'?
"Ranma is good at that", she decided, "He wanders through life reacting
to things, not thinking about them."
Ranma seemed to be enjoying himself while just glancing around at the
scenery, unconcerned that they had no idea what waited for them on the
mountaintop.
Nabiki sighed again, and picked up the pace a notch.
"How did all this get out of hand so quickly?", she wondered, "All I wanted
was to make a little money and help the family out."
She shook her head to keep a bead of sweat out of her eyes, muttering
to herself.
"Oooo, I hate being outside, I hate sleeping in a tent! I hate
having to eat camp cooking, I hate waking up with bugs all over!"
She grit her teeth.
"But most of all... most of all... I hate this mountain, and having to
be
out here in God-only-knows-where China in the middle of July!"
Suddenly she felt several sets of eyes on her, she looked around,
everyone had been staring at her, she could feel it on her skin still. She'd
even caught a couple of them out of the corner of her eye, as they quickly
looked away, except for Ranma of course, he just kept looking at her.
Seeing his expression, she realized she'd been muttering to herself for
a while and must have voiced her opinion loud enough to be heard by everyone
nearby.
"Yo, Nabiki, don't worry. Yer doin okay I guess. A lot better'n I
thought you'd do. Not too bad really, fer a city girl that's never had to do
nothin' outside'a walking back and forth to school, I mean."
He gave her one of his cocky smiles.
"It just takes a while to get used to this walkin around China thing, ya
know? Not like I had no problems doin it, but that's just me. I guess I'm
just a lot tougher and stuff."
Ranma fired what he thought was a reassuring smile at her. Seeing her
glare and the beginnings of a blue aura of anger forming up around her, he
decided that he'd be of more use to the group, scouting further up the
trail. "A lot further.", he decided and zipped up the trail past the two
older
men.
"I can't believe I used to actually envy Akane now and then for getting
engaged to that jerk."
She shook her head.
A little blunt. She should be listing his faults, not thinking about
how she used to want him.
"I must be more tired than I thought, now I'm talking to myself."
She chuckled.
"Oh I'm losing it alright. Yeah, sure,whatever you say Nabs darling"
She berated herself internally, "You're just avoiding the truth. What
you
hate most is that you can't blame Ranma for any of this. Nope, this time
it's all you. Yep, Nabiki Tendo got caught by her own scam. How poetic...
Bah!"
Taking a drink from her canteen, Nabiki wiped at her forehead again,
and thought to herself, "Who'd have imagined it'd end up like this? It was
the perfect scam damn it! How'd things get so damn screwed up in only a few
months? It was a sure thing, couldn't fail. Ha! That should have been my
first clue something like this would happen."
Another figure trotted by her, bouncing lightly along the path, bonbori
in hand.
The violet-haired Chinese Amazon gave Nabiki a cheerful smile and
commented in her sing song voice, "Mercenary Girl doing much better today,
maybe soon, rest of us be able to go faster than crawl like baby, yes?"
Nabiki scowled back at her, while Shampoo giggled in amusement.
Shampoo sighed a little bit sadly and spoke in a much softer tone, "You
no worry, Na-bi-ki", the expression on her face had softened a great deal
and her voice carried more than a little sympathy in it.
"We rescue your sister soon. You see! You keep spirit high, and we win!
If we spirits are low, then we lose."
She patted Nabiki on the shoulder softly, smiled and said, "Shampoo go
ahead and check with Great Grandmother and see how she doing, You maybe
make good Amazon, you keep trying hard like this. Shows you have toughness
inside."
The girl rocketed off up the trail after Ranma, hair fluttering behind
her like a flag.
Nice little bit of sympathetic character building. And the revelation
of an important bit of knowledge (up until here I'd thought they were
after a cure or a treasure of some sort). I like it!
For the thousandth time that day Nabiki Tendo asked herself "How did I
get here?"
"She's right you know sister, we'll rescue her. After all, look how
many times Ranma's done something like this before", her sister commented as
she walked up alongside.
Nabiki sighed and replied in a voice full of worry, "I know, I know,
this time it's different."
Her sister gave her a concerned look, "What do you mean?"
Nabiki turned and gave her a hard look, "Because, all those
other times it'd been you who'd been kidnapped Akane. This time it's Kasumi,
and frankly I'm afraid we'll never see her alive again."
End prolog
Comments, criticisms... love 'em. Lemme know what you think.
Nice. Very, very nice. I look forward a lot to reading the rest and
anything else you may come up with. AFTER you finish this one! There's
nothing more annoying than a good writer who'll torture you with a dozen
stories before finishing one!
The only substantial complaint I have at all is that some things in the
beginning of the fic should have been put in the author's notes at the
end.
William