Thermopyle wrote:
I'll try and stick to stuff that hasn't already been pointed out by the
infamous brian randall. damn his black heart!
Nah. Ginrai's got a blacker one. Like looking into the heart of darkness,
I'm telling you. ^_^
also, i'm feeling lazy so throughout these comments you'll most likely
notice a huge amount of discrepencies as far as spelling and capitlization
go.
I'm guilty of the same.
and on another note, somebody recently told me to use tact when
commenting. my reply was, "tact? is that like, 'i tact a piece of paper
to
the bulletin board'?" i'm not going to say anything deliberatly aimed at
pissing you off, but i'm not really going to take care to avoid it,
either.
obviously any comments i make are my own opinions, if you think they sound
reasonable, fine. if not, well, that's okay too, i don't really care that
much.
Fair enough.
Before Ranma could speak, Takeshi spotted him out of the corner of his
eye
and spoke first. "You know something, kid, you're not bad. You train
hard
and take your vitamins, and in five years or so you can challenge me
again
and we'll see if you can't make me break into sweat next time."
into a sweat is the usual expression, i believe
Yep. I had an above average number of grammar errors this time around. Some
where leftovers from the original version that I missed. Others were knew.
It made for a bad combination, I'm afraid. :(
first
time in his life he was the underdog in the comparison. Even the two
blows
he had slipped past Takeshi's defenses were a fluke. He hadn't stood a
chance from the moment the first punch had been thrown. Never had he
been
so
badly overmatched. Not by anyone. Not Herb, not Ryu Kumon, not even
Saffron.
this is really one of the main problems I have with this fic. the idea
that
Ranma would never have heard, throughout all his travelling, of takeshi or
any of the people who are on his level.
Why not? He had never heard of Tarou or Ryu Kumon before they came and
harrassed him, and they were both able to take him to his limits at the
time. And unless Takeshi's defeating these people he challenges in public or
they talk about Takeshi defeating them, he's not going to be that widely
known. And Ranma's never demonstrated much of an aptitude for knowledge of
most martial artists around.
genma sure would have, and he would
have sought them out in order to make Ranma a better martial artist.
Ah, when did Genma ever have Ranma challenge anyone? He trained Ranma, sure,
but I don't recall him finding Ranma sparring partners.
it's
pretty rediculous that Ranma would never have heard of these people, yet
takeshi would have found out about Ranma defeating saffron when Saffron
and
his rebirth would have been something that wouldn't be talked about
outside
the immediate location in china where it occured. if takeshi DID hear
about
it, he most certainly would have heard that ranma used the gekkaja or
whatever as well in the fight.
True. It's not something he casually would have discovered. But as what
might have been implied in Takeshi's opening comments, he's been on the
lookout for a challenge. There are a number of ways to discover that, from
knowing someone that that knows someone that knows someone in Joketsuzoku
who knew Cologne who mentioned what had happened in a letter (which would
also be how the gekkaja got deleted from the third or fourth retelling of
the story; word of mouth is a terrible way to relay information) to paying
someone that can use magic to find a 'powerful foe' (Remember, this is a
land where you can mail order Waterproof soap, they hand out travel
brochures to magic Caves of Lost Love, and door to door salesman will offer
magic Red Lines of Destiny.)
so this whole situation doesn't make much
sense.
A part of Ranma wanted to jump at the opportunity and accept, but he
wasn't
that stupid. "What's the catch?"
"No catch." The man stated plainly.
this really pisses me off. the deal isn't legitimate if the old man lies,
which he most certainly has. ranma gets screwed royally here.
Agree. I bungled this one big time. Now insert this rewrite here.
xxxxxxxxxx
A part of Ranma wanted to jump at the opportunity and accept, but he
wasn't
that stupid. "What do you want from me in exchange?"
" Aside from defeating Takeshi? Nothing."
"The heck you don't. No one comes out of nowhere and offers to help me
beat some guy without wanting something from me in return."
xxxxxxxxxxxx
I think that will suffice. Sifler's still not disclosing full details
(obviously) but this should make it not sound like an outright lie.
glance. I can see all that you desire, all that would make your life
complete and satisfy those urges which lurk in the heart of every man.
I
have the ability to grant unto you those things that would make you
complete. I am all you ever need, the only one you can turn to, the only
one
that would answer your prayers, no matter how light or dark they are."
he is saying that he has the ability to grant Ranma's every desire, yet
ranma has shown rather plainly that akane is more important to him than
winning is. so this statement seems slightly off.
Not quite. Akane is not the ONLY thing important to him. Ranma has lots of
desires and urges. Sifler is only going to give Ranma the answer to one of
them, not all of them. He has the ability give Ranma all he wants, but all
he's going to do is give him what he needs to win.
would
have no fear of them giving out on you at a critical juncture. And I as
said, I would waive my usual fee for imbuing you with these abilities.
What
do you have to lose? All I ask of you is that you defeat Takeshi
immediately
with your newfound enhancement."
ranma had no interest in the strength noodle until it was pointed out by
cologne that if he didn't eat it, ryouga or mousse would, and then they
would be able to defeat him. it was only after that was mentioned that he
decided to try and find the noodle. i forget where in the manga this is,
but you've probably read it. anyway, it seems out of character for ranma
to
accept such a powerup, rather than trying to train himself in a new
technique or something that would allow him to defeat his opponent.
Sifler's statements (which are true, since the truth serves him better here
than a lie would), convince Ranma there is no other way. And if there is
(and Ranma has his doubts about that), it's going to take time, and he knows
that Takeshi's easy victory would eat away at him the entire time. Takeshi
really honked Ranma off (which was one of the reasons I made the fight as
long as it was, to show how inferior Ranma was made to feel), and he wants
to get even now. This is the only quick way to even the score and get peace
of mind.
Spinning on his heel, Ranma turned around, held out his hand, and said,
"Do
it."
okay. so, some old dude comes out of nowhere, says he can make ranma good
enough to defeat takeshi, and ranma believes him?
why is that, exactly?
Given what Sifler's said about hating Takeshi, and it's obvious he does, why
on Earth would he lie about being able to help Ranma when their goals
coincide? Sifler has said point blank, enthueastically, it's all about
Takeshi and beating him (which is the truth, just not all of it)
Well, Sifler's convincing
there hasn't been any demonstration of sifler's power that would make
ranma
believe that his claim of being able to make ranma a better fighter is
true;
In which case he would have nothing to lose if Sifler is full of it or his
plan to help Ranma doesnt' pan out.
and there is also no evidence to suggest that he is right about cologne or
happousai not being able to teach him a new trick which would allow him to
win the fight against takeshi.
But given the differential between Ranma and Takeshi, even Ranma accepts
it's unlikely either elder has any one or possibly two moves that will even
the distance between them. Although remember, until Sifler makes his 'You'll
settle for second best' comment, Ranma is prepared to turn his back on the
deal and go to a more reliable source. It's that comment which makes Ranma
give up his better judgment and accept the offer.
ranma seems stupid beyond all belief
here--never mind the fact that sifler is straight out lying about what
he's
going to do. no catch? what a joke.
Addressed this above and hopefully corrected it to your satisifaction.
"How do you know that's going on? You've been here the entire time?"
ranma isn't questioning sifler's presence, so this shouldn't have a
question
mark. should be, 'you've been here the entire time!"
Yep. Stray question mark got in there.
As Sifler finished his suggestion, Ranma felt a sudden overwhelming
compulsion to do exactly what the old man said. Not questioning it, and
being a man of his word in any case, he followed the compulsion and
raced
towards the school at top speed.
the compulsion is another catch, which wasn't part of the deal.
Actually it is. Ranma receives the power dependent on him beating Takeshi
with it. Sifler says it earlier on. Since Ranma accepted it, he has to live
up to his end of the bargain. That's all the compulsion is doing.
Trademark smirk in place, Ranma turned to the awestruck crowd, Akane at
the
front of them. There was only silence as everyone stared in mute
astonishment at the tableau before them. Ranma said, "Now you see who
the
real martial artist is, don't ya?"
riiight. i really think it's more in character for ryouga or akane to use
powerups of this sort.
Agree. However I don't think it's beyond Ranma to do it under these
conditions. Especially since he was quite happy to use the gekkaja to
protect himself from Saffron. it's an edge he needs in order to win.
"The same game I always play: the damnation game. And now I have the
advantage, you arrogant, pompous fool. I told you you would pay for
trying
to make me look the part of the fool. Now our positions are reversed,
and
I
repeated use of the word fool.
Oops. Will reword.
"Not exactly. Since you would be giving me something in exchange, you
would
not suffer from the same side effects he did."
how is this not a catch?
Addressed above. Since the next two statements are essentially the same
(correct) point, I snipped them.
Sifler gave her a disdainful glare. "I have had no dealings with you,
Akane
Tendou. I am beyond your ability to harm. But you are welcome to try
again,
if you so desire. I will not try to stop you."
attempt to stop you, might work better. you just used the word try,
slightly repetitive.
Okay,
and that is exactly what you are? Oh, maybe not at the moment. You'll
still
have a few years to learn enough to beat anyone, but so long as you stay
alive, you will eventually become the mightiest martial artist on the
planet. So cease your whining and embrace what you have always dreamed
of
achieving."
this is completely untrue. happousai was shown to be as small as he is
now
even in his youth during the little love pills arc, which supposedly
occured
100 years ago.
Oops! Very good point. That slipped my mind. That's going to change to just
Cologne now.
also, sifler again talks of what ranma has always dreamed of. yet ranma
didn't hesitate to throw his dreams away for akane(HSH arc), so this
doesn't
make sense and doesn't fit with the idea that sifler has granted ranma's
innermost desire.
Two things. I'll have to look it over, but I don't think Sifler states he's
granting Ranma's 'innermost desire' (though obviously being better in
martial arts than everyone is one of the driving forces in his life), but it
is the one he wants the most at the moment. Two, technically he hasn't
thrown away his dreams with Akane. She's still there. They can still marry.
The only problem is he's physically fifty years older now. If they have any
problems with the age, that's their own 'businness' (from Sifler's POV)
which made the miasma of desolation surrounding everyone grow. Even
Ranma,
who had never truly given up before, could sense the truth behind his
words,
and despair began to consume him as well.
somewhat hard to believe. if happousai and cologne have both used
techniques to make thier bodies more efficient, they would know precisely
what was required to turn ranma into a runt. making a body more effecient
would surely be less difficult than making it less so, which means that
they
should know how to show ranma what they did in order to get where they are
now. and if they can show him that, then he should be able to reverse the
process, making his body less efficient and causing himself to change back
to normal.
Err, no. He has biologically added 50 years to his life through magic. It
was not a natural process, and cannot be 'undone.' And even if the boost
could be undone, he won't get any younger. If it was that easy, Happi would
have done it long ago. Ranma'd just be a slow and easy to hurt 68 year old
if that was taken from him.
this ignores the whole idea that ranma's body being made more effecient
would allow such a boost in physical abilities that he can offset the huge
advantage in skill that takeshi has. i mean, really, ranma will be ready
to
defeat happousai in a year, or so was said earlier in the fic,
Well, that was Ranma's guess, and he's hardly subjective. Likewise Happi
might still have a trick or two up his sleeve that he's been holding back
since he doesn't need to use it.
and happousai
has the same advantage over the normal ranma that mini-ranma has over
takeshi. so unless both happousai and cologne are completely unskilled,
relying just on the physical abilities that they were given by having more
efficient bodies, then ranma would not be able to catch up for a much
longer
period of time.
Actually thanks to the change he can learn even faster now and has even
better control over his body. But it is a valid point that you mentioned.
after all, the gap between takeshi and ranma was so
incredibly huge before ranma's transformation, so that means the
transformation causes an unbelievable boost, one that ranma would have to
be
far better than takeshi to overcome if he was to defeat happousai. also,
takeshi should know of the technique that happousai and cologne use, since
he would most certainly be a far better martial artist than either of them
are,
Not necessarily. Just because he knows a lot doesn't mean he knows
everything. Also by definition the technique can only be used when you get
older. Sifler could work his way around it by powerful magic, but that's an
exception. That's not made clear in the story, though.
so he, like ranma, doesn't need the deal at all; he could use the
technique himself if he so desired. all sifler is really able to offer is
that takeshi wouldn't need to go through the effort, if he is simply
willing
to trade his soul for the sake of being lazy.
i didn't particularly like this fic.
As I mentioned in my response to Brian's it's not really meant to be an
upbeat tale. Ironically, I don't care much for this sort of story myself. My
muse is just an oddball.
ranma gets screwed over by somebody
who lied to him,
Hopefully now it falls more under the category of 'misled' or 'tricked' him.
there are several things that don't really make sense,
Hope I addressed most of those.
and
the whole scene with akane was humiliating even to read
The one at the end, you mean? Which part was humiliating, or was it Sifler's
'You're soul isn't worth it to me?' that you consider humiliating. Remember,
it was all relative. Sifler was only after one person: Takeshi. He figured
(probably correctly) that it hurt her more to be rejected than it would have
to accept her sacrifice for Ranma. Being able to make the others miserable
was the only thing that lightened Sifler's mood.
--btw, i do have to
point out that not once during the HSH arc did akane defend ranma from the
various people who were attacking him, so why would she do so here?
It's post Saffron, and she was willing to throw herself in front of him to
protect him even when she was a doll in that arc. I figure it's not
unrealistic for her to do what she did here.
well, that's all i have to say. hope this was understandable, and that i
got my points accross, although they are slightly unclear even to me.
I think I got them. Hope I addressed them well. Sorry you didn't like the
fic. However, your C+C was most useful and I'll address some of the problems
you mentioned, which is part of what this list is all about.
D.B. Sommer
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