Catching up on the ol' backlog....

Turtyl <turtyl@montana.com> wrote:

     "Furinkan-cho, the next stop is Furinkan-cho."  The announcer's

"Furinkan-cho. The next

monotone voice wafted through the loudspeakers, more or less oblivious
to those that were seated on the stifling train.  As the train hurtled
down the tracks, the casual observer could see the affects of the sun

effects ("affects" is the verb)

     But the beauty of this didn't seem to phase one particular

faze

     "Thanks Ranma.  It's good to be back."

"Thanks, Ranma.
(When a speaker identifies the person(s) spoken to, always set the
identification off with a comma.

     Nabiki tentatively walked down the second floor hallway towards
the stairs.  Ranma obviously spent time in fixing up her old room,

Ranma had obviously spent	(the time he spent was prior to the
current moment in narration, so use the past perfect tense)

where she would be staying for her estimated two weeks.  Up until
recently, it was used as another storage room.  It wasn't much,
compared to what she was used to.  A simple bed, a desk with a couple
of drawers.  But the boxes that used to occupy this room were cleared

had been cleared

     Ranma was a wiz in the kitchen, Nabiki noted.  He hovered over

a whiz

the various pots, pans, and sorted uncooked foods like a warden,
ready to put an ingredient here, a spice there.  Nabiki just shook
her head in amusement at the changed man from her memories.  Over
the years, the macho jerk became quite a devoted housekeeper, not
to mention an exquisite martial arts sensei.  He still had the ego,

She can tell all that by watching him cook?

     "She's already 8 now, an' a mankiller like her ol' man, yep!"

already eight now,

Ranma said proudly, as he was putting tofu into the soup he was
making.  Nabiki smirked.  "Now is that literally or figuratively,
Ranma?"

You need a paragraph break in there. Don't let two different speakers
talk in the same paragraph.

     It was then when they both heard a pair of voices call out,
"Tadaima!" from the front of the house.  Turning from the cutting

Suggest "I'm home!" or something along those lines. English fanfics are
best written in English.

     Nabiki's lips curled into a small smile.  "Heya kiddo.  How are

"Heya, kiddo.

     Nabiki coughed but nodded.  "Yeah, looks like it."  It was at
that moment that another figure walked through the doorway, dark eyes
sending daggers at Nabiki.  Even though it had been years, the woman
in the doorway still possessed most of the childlike features she had
in her childhood.  Nabiki's smile faded as she said, "Uh...heya
Akane."

heya, Akane."

     "Yeah, as a matter of fact, I do.  I...." the words died on her
lips as Ranma walked over towards his wife.  "Akane...stop it, 'k?

Again, put a paragraph break so that only one character has dialog in a
single paragraph.

     Akane growled but muttered, "Yes, dear." in that mechanical way

dear," in
(the sentence continues, so no period.)

     Nabiki nodded.  "Sure."  After a pause, she added, "Oh, by the
way?"

     "Hai?"

"Yes?"

     Akane scowled at Ranma before slowly breaking into a wan smile,
the first of the night.   "Gods above, Ranma.  You still never cease
to amaze me."

     Ranma blinked.  "What'd I do now?"

     Akane stood and made her way to him.  "That the great and mighty
Saotome Ranma is actually considerate to someone other than his
daughter."

When has Ranma not been considerate to anyone? I don't see why this
should amaze Akane. He pretty much helped anyone who ever asked for it
in the manga.

     "Well, don't be long."  With that she made her way to the main
bedroom.  Ranma made his way up the stairs and towards what was
Akane's old room.  He gave a knock and peeked in the door.  "Ya
need anythin' hon?"

anythin', hon?"

     It didn't take long for Nabiki to realize that Michiko was
certainly as talented as her father, though still clearly under his
level.  Though the last time she did any martial arts was at an

last time she'd done any

age even younger than her niece's, she still had an eye for judging
people, and Nabiki was certain that when she was 16, Michiko would

was sixteen,

     Nabiki chuckled.  "Obvious as always, hmm?"  She shrugged and
replied, "Living alone, I didn't want to order out every night.  I
got some cooking lessons from Kasumi on the sly a while back so I
could at least have a home cooked meal once in a while."

home-cooked

     Giving her a hug Ranma looked down at Michiko.  "Heya hon.  Set

"Heya, hon.

the table, okay?"

     Nabiki shook her head, clearing away the cobwebs and finished
wrapping up the bento.  She'll be okay, she thought.  All it took was

This reads a bit confusing to me. Suggest:

She'd be okay. All it would take would be...

or

I'll be okay, she thought. All...

Note the "would" tense, since she's considering future events.

     Nabiki leaned back in her chair, after moving her mouse and
clicking the accept button on her laptop's screen.  "Well, that's
that." she muttered and closed down the web browser that was

that," she

currently showing the webpage from The Monster Board.  The site
was supposed to be a headhunter type service for executives, but it
was still rather new.  She hoped it would at least produce something.

It's also mostly U.S.-centric, though it does have some stuff in Japan.
Though of course by the future of this story, it might well have
internationalized more.

     As she descended the stairs, she couldn't help but sigh once
more.  After all these years, not accepting any help from anyone,
she ascended the corporate ladder with the speed no one thought

she had ascended

possible.  At 27, she became a vice-president.  No one in Japan had

At twenty-seven,

ever heard of a female vice-president in a multinational corporation,
much less one that young.  She was on the cover of Time Magazine for
the gods sakes.  'The changing face of Japanese Business' the

gods' sakes.

Business,' the

     And then two years later, she's out of a job.  It just didn't

she was out of

     Ranma gave Nabiki a nudge.  "Rubbed off from you, I guess.  Oh,
one second."  Ranma jogged up to the front of the class and said,
"Okay everyone!  That's enough for today.  Let's get changed and

"Okay, everyone!

     Nabiki's ruminations were jolted when a crash was heard in the

Suggest: when something crashed in the
(avoid the passive)

     Ranma for his part, at least went through the motions of dodging
the combination thrown together by Kokoru.  Frankly though, he wasn't

The "frankly" sounds too talky for a prose narration, IMO.

     Nabiki arrived in a huff, enough to see the man yell, "You'll
regret this, Saotome!"  Ranma dusted off his hands and turned to see
Nabiki.  "Oh, heya Nabiki.  How was yer visit with Naoko?"

heya, Nabiki.

     A burly man walked in, carrying his tools.  "Heya Ranma.  How's

"Heya, Ranma.

Does everyone in the story have to use the same stylized version of
hello? One or two characters using it is a nice touch, but how about
some variety? Or if this is some sort of pop culture catch phrase of the
moment that everyone's using, then we should know.

     "Okay, father wasn't like that.  After the heart attack, we

Father (capitalize when used as a name)

     Nabiki weakly smiled amidst her tears.  "Then after that meeting
with her a week later...you know, I don't think I could ever do that
again?"

Why the question mark here?

     "It's because I'm a woman, isn't it."

     "Well...yes."

NABIKI: Damn discrimination! Why *can't* I be a donor at this sperm
bank?!?

     "Kuso."

     "Ranma, your language!"

RANMA: Sorry. Shit!

AKANE: That's better. I'm not standing for any gratuitous Japanese in
*this* household.

     "Hey Nabiki." Ranma said, as he rapidly pushed his controller's

Missing comma again.

     Nabiki walked over and poured herself a cup of coffee.  "She's
a real gem, you know.  Still keep wondering how the heck she got red
hair though.  Gotta love those Jusenkyou curses."

And you gotta wonder why she can put on a pair of glasses and nobody
recognizes her by it. The anime hair colors are a stylistic thing, like
the huge eyeballs. Every time someone tries to take them seriously as a
real part of the story, my suspension of disbelief plummets.

     Nabiki nodded.  "Yeah, you were a little too young to get the
full impact.  I, on the other hand, remember all of it."  She paused
to gather herself a moment.  "I remember everything, from when Mother
was all well, to when she died.  It was horrible, Akane.  You didn't
remember, but I sort of went into a shell too after she died.  Do
you remember when Nodoka went with Daddy all those times, after
things calmed down some?"

Actually, it was established in the very first Nodoka story (soon to be
out from Viz comics) that Soun had never met her before. A postcard
comes in the mail for Genma and Soun asks him who this Nodoka person is.
Later that same story he sees some random passer-by and assumes that
she's Nodoka. You might want to change the Nodoka reference to some
other family friend.

     Nabiki coughed.  "Those weren't coffee clutches.  Nodoka took

I don't think "clutches" is the word you want here. I think the
expression is coffe-clatches though I'm probably wrong on the spelling.

     "Hey Daddy, what's going on?" a little girl asked softly, just

Missing comma.

     "Daddy, why don'cha go as a Daddy for ice cream instead of a
Mommy-Daddy?"

     Ranma gulped.  "Uh, I'll explain it when yer older.  Go get yer
shoes on, I'll get the girls."

Um, yeah, why? Is this some in-joke I'm missing? Did someone write a
lemon involving female Ranma and ice cream that I'm not remembering, or
something?

     Ranma commented as he passed through the doorway, "Ya know,
that's not a way ta find a date these days.  Heya Ucchan."  Ranma

Yet another missing comma.

     Nabiki shrugged.  "It was a company started out by one of the
people in the Business Club at Toryo.  Since I was president of the
club my senior year, I met up with him, and we got to talking.  He
gave me my first break as an assistant to one of the executives a
year later.  I then became an executive a couple of years later,
after being a project head in a few projects.  Then I just bided my
time and made my move to get a vicepresident position that opened up

vice president (2 wds)

     Nabiki grinned.  "What did you think?"

     Ukyou squinted her eyes as she deadpanned, "You really need a
new haircut.  You've had that look since high school."

     Nabiki laughed, "Hey, it stands for smart, decisive, and easy
to fix in the mornings.  Unlike some long haired people I know."

     Ukyou coughed, and pulled her long mane of hair over her
shoulder.  "Well, to be honest, I was thinking of cutting my hair
too.  Not as short as yours, but just over the shoulders.  I dunno
though, it doesn't feel right though.  What do you think, Ranchan?"

You've got about ten paragraphs in a row here that start out with "she
did this" sentences. Use a little variety. Start some of them off with
dialog, or a reference to something other than one of the speakers.

     Nabiki coughed, "Uh, Ranma...mind if I throw something on the
fire?"

     The others nodded.  "Sure, what's up Sis?"

Now here's a *desperately* needed comma. Or else the answer should be
"Nothing's up me, and you're a pervert for even asking!"

     Nabiki unfolded the piece of paper in her hands.  "I got an
offer for a job interview.  I got it by e-mail this afternoon."

     Akane smiled.  "That's great!  Why so glum though?"

AKANE: I mean, after the last twenty or thirty interviews went so WELL
for you....

     Nabiki shrugged.  "I don't know if I should ta1ke it.  It's

take

pretty far away.  Who knows when I'd come back to Tokyo."

     Tsubasa piped up.  "It's still a chance of a lifetime though.
But you should think about it.  It's a big step."

     Nabiki nodded.  "Yeah.  Well, that's all I wanted to say,
really."

     Akane handed the paper back.  "We'll be behind you, whatever
you decide, k?"

     Nabiki nodded.  "I know.  I appreciate it."  She shook her head
as she let out a deep breath.  "Anyways, new subject!"

NABIKI: Our new subject is: lack of variety in paragraph structure!

     Nabiki chuckled.  "No, they don't."  She sipped her tea gently.
"I think I know what I'm going do now."

going to do

     Dressed in her best suit, Tendou Nabiki looked at the double
doors that was to become her future.  "Well, 'biki.  The first day of

that were to

        Anyways, I think that's about it.  C&C would be most grateful
(I think I've said that 3 times now, huh? Gomen ne. o_O;;).  Lasha and
ja ne.

And as I've said about a zillion times by now, the best way to get more
C&C is to do more of it yourself. :)

Anyhow... overall impressions: despite all these complaints, I liked the
story. Nabiki trying to deal with joblessness after being a corporate
superstar for so long, and trying to reconcile with her family, are both
very interesting conflicts with a lot of potential. I would've liked to
hear Akane's side of the argument, her reasons for holding such a long
grudge against Nabzy, much earlier than we did.

The writing was not at all bad either. One thing I did note was a
tendency to give Nabiki's opinion of things, which presumably we're
intended to trust, without letting us see these things for ourselves.
Instead of just having Nabby note that Ranma is a whiz in the kitchen,
it's more convincing to let her watch him in action and describe what
she does in there, so we can draw the same conclusion for ourselves.

Not much else to say except that I'd tend to agree with what someone
else said, that you're writing Ranma's speech a little too rough for my
tastes. And of course, puh-LEEEEEEZE lose the gratuitous Japanese. It's
a major annoyance in what is otherwise a very enjoyable story.


Gary Kleppe
http://www.akane.org/gary/comics.html
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