DB Sommer wrote:

I stumbled on this forgotten story recently. It was done about two or three
years ago back when I first finished S 1/2. Touched it up a bit (a lot
actually. Nice to know I've come some ways since then) but that was when the
idea was formed, so it might be a bit rough.

 Ah, something else to C&C. :p

Standard disclaimer:
I don't own any of the folks from Ranma 1/2.

 So... who does? ;)

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

 Ooooooooo....

"Wasn't blowing up a mountain and beating Saffron enough to prove how good
you are?" Akane huffed.

 Akane: Geez, It's so embarassing -- I rather would have died than have you save me like that.

 Seriously, though -- is seems like she resents having her life saved.

"I did," Ranma assured her. "He was back up on his feet in five minutes. I
still can't believe he thought that 'Soul of Ice' stuff could beat me."
Ranma mumbled as they passed by a withered old man who in some vague way
reminded Ranma of Happosai. It was probably with the shifty look he had.
Worse, it seemed the old man's attention was focused on Ranma intently. He
was about to ask what the stranger was looking at when Akane spoke again.

 Cherry: Most ominous.

 'Soul of Ice' stuff? That's Cologne's shtick, ne?

 Why is Ryouga trying to prove himself better than Ranma post Vol. 38?

"You have no shame," Akane grumbled.

"If you know another way to beat the freak, let me in on it." Ranma said.

 it." Ranma -- it," Ranma

"You just don't get it." Akane held her tongue on how embarrassing it was to
have a fianc� who would do anything to win as badly as Ranma did.

 Hmm... something about that feels stilted, but I can't quite pinpoint it.

Akane was more right than she knew. Ranma was about to ask what she meant
when a loud noise from the direction of the school caught both of their
attentions. They glanced at one another, than ran quickly in the direction
of the school.

 Akane was right about Ranma being embarassing?

In under a minute they passed through the gate and entered the school
grounds and saw what the source of the commotion was. A man in his early
twenties, unremarkable in appearance, save that he wore an elaborate-looking
red gi that had a pair of golden lions embroidered on the front, held the
splintered remains of a bokken in his hand. Kunou lay at his feet, obviously
knocked senseless by the stranger.

 First sentence has one 'and' too many. :p

 Ken?

The stranger's confusion doubled. "What does your father have to do with thi
s?"

 Looks like a valiant sacrifice to word-wrap. :p

The Stranger shrugged helplessly. "Unless you're related to or are friends
with Kachinko Sukimada, who stood me up for my senior prom, no, I don't have
anything against you, any members of family, or anyone you know."

 Cameo? I don't get this one. :p Better watch more anime...

Akane rolled her eyes at that. She knew what was to come, and after she had
decided that morning to try to talk Ranma into not blindly fighting people.
It was just her luck. Still, that last bit from the stranger was over the
edge. She could understand Ranma's need to accept the challenge after that
insult to his pride.

 First sentance scans awkwardly -- perhaps end it with a 'too'?

Ranma faced off against the stranger and smirked. "I'm going to have to deal
with you quick. I got class in," he looked at the watch Akane had bought for
him on his birthday. "Fifteen minutes."

 Shouldn't that be:

 birthday, "fifteen

 ?

"Takeshi Kunakida. Unlimited Class Style of fighting. I've heard it said you
practice the Anything Goes School of Martial Arts?"

 'Unlimited'? _Is_ this a joke on the fighting-game genre?

"You don't know how right you are." And with that, Ranma attacked. Uncertain
of exactly how skilled his opponent was (despite obviously dealing with
Kunou in a minimum of fuss) Ranma held something back as he used a series of
high sweeping blows. All were deflected and avoided with only a minimum of
effort on the part of Takeshi. Reevaluating his opponent, Ranma attacked
again using faster and more powerful techniques, figuring he would slip
three or four blows through and hoped they would be enough to slow down or
possibly defeat his opponent. However, once again not a single blow came
close to landing.

 Repetition of blows, and minimum.

Grimacing briefly at the show of bravado, Ranma planned to unleash a five
hit combination that he was sure would knock Takeshi on his rear end. But
even before Ranma could throw the first blow, he saw a blur come in under
his guard. The next sensation he was aware of was a sledgehammer-like fist
that smashed into his jaw and sent him flying through the air. He was too
dazed to land on his feet, and instead crashed facefirst into the hard turf.

 Five-hit-combo?

'Ryouga,' Was all Ranma's scrambled brain could think of before enough of
his senses returned to remember who he was fighting. The guy hit harder than
Ryouga, though it didn't appear his somewhat slender form could possess that
level of raw power. It must have been a lucky shot. Recovering quickly
despite the force of the blow, Ranma returned to his feet and prepared for
the next attack.

 Was -- was

Takeshi moved in again, attacking solely with his right hand. It was to
Ranma's credit that he parried the first four blows. However, they merely
proved a set up for Takeshi's left as it snaked in again past Ranma's guard
and struck him above the heart, sending Ranma backpedaling, his arms
flailing as he fought to stay on his feet. A bright pain flared in Ranma's
chest as he swore his heart stopped for a moment before starting again.

 Man, I feel like I'm watching that whole Goku vs. Freiza battle again...

"I beat him," Ranma snarled. His fist was batted away and Takeshi retaliated
with a kick. Ranma could tell from the moment it was thrown that it would
not connect. However, as the foot went past, missing Ranma by the
centimeters he had predicted, the wind from its wake proved sharp enough to
slice through his shirt and draw blood from underneath. A tiny trickle of
blood began decorating his shirt, making it a deeper red than before.

 That's thoughtfull of the blood, to decorate the shirt for him. :p

That made Takeshi stop short. He closed his eyes, obviously trying to think
of something. At last he opened his eyes and said, "I remember hearing about
that when I was first told about the Phoenix people. Hell, I could have
beaten Saffron with one hand tied behind my back if I had that to protect
me. No wonder a wimp like you was able to take him."

 Humm.

As the last of the energy was drawn into the cross Takeshi's arms formed,
his arms went from black to orange. "Back at you! Bursting Dam Reflection!"
Takeshi let loose a torrent of energy that had been stored up from the first
attack and reflected back at the source with the second. The energy poured
out orange, showing to all who the man was that controlled it.

 How do we know that it's the same energy?

The power of Ranma's own Moko Takabisha, as well as even more chi poured
into the move from Takeshi, hit Ranma full in the face, hurting him worse
than even Ryouga's Perfect Shi Shi Hokoudan did. There was nothing that
could compare to the pain he felt, not even from Saffron's inferno, as he
was leveled by the blast and fell to the ground, unable to move. Not even a
scream escaped him. Only stubborn refusal prevented Ranma from falling into
the darkness that was beckoning to him, and even then it was almost not
enough.

 In the face? Aren't they big enough to hit his entire body? :p

"Not... over... yet!" Ranma gasped out as he tried to get to his feet. No
way was he being beaten by this arrogant ass who was rubbing him wrong worse
than Kunou ever did.

 Humm.

A hard kick met him in the stomach, sending him skidding across the ground
until the base of a statue of the Principal arrested his velocity when he
crashed hard into it, breaking off parts of the concrete. All Ranma could
manage to do was groan in pain, his body refusing to return to his feet.

 Collision sounds kind of dry.

Ranma finally managed to get to his feet, completely humiliated. Now
everyone was gathering around the preening Takeshi, who was basking in the
attention, especially the girls. He had been forgotten by all but Akane, who
hovered over him worriedly. A bitter blade of jealousy stabbed through his
gut at how casually he was being disregarded by nearly everyone. It wasn't
that he had been rendered helpless, like with the moxibustion point, he was
helpless before the fight even started, and it ate away at the core of him
like nothing ever had.

 So...

 The girls were all mad at him for beating up on Ranma, and now they're completely enamoured of him?

The man lowered his head slightly, his emerald eyes, vibrant for one so old,
staring Ranma deep into his. The way the man looked at him, seeming to look
past his exterior and right inside him to all the feelings and secrets that
lay beneath, unsettled Ranma. "I know many things. I know a way you can beat
Takeshi."

 That first sentence is gramatically sound, I think, but makes my head hurt to read.

"Even better A technique would take time. I know how I can enable you to
defeat him today. No need to wait. No need to allow your anger and rage to
simmer and boil and make life miserable until you avenge yourself."

 Missing a period after 'better'?

The old man seemed to weigh upon what Ranma said. "Names have power, boy.
Let us just say that I am the one that can see into your soul with a single
glance. I can see all that you desire, all that would make your life
complete and satisfy those urges which lurk in the heart of every man.  I
have the ability to grant unto you those things that would make you
complete. I am all you ever need, the only one you can turn to, the only one
that would answer your prayers, no matter how light or dark they are."

 Ranma: You own an ecchi-manga shop?

 Cherry: Blast. I knew the 'urges which lurk in the heart of every man' would give me away.

Sifler scoffed. "Hardly anything so clich�. All you need to do is shake my
hand and the pact will be made."

 Ranma: Oyaji sold my soul for a bowl of rice a few years back. Don't got nothin' to lose.

 Genma: And two fish!

Ranma considered the offered hand. It sounded good on the surface. A free
ticket, and hadn't he earned one after all the crap he had to put up with
over the last few months? For a change, someone else was ticking people off
instead of him. Shouldn't Takeshi reap the whirlwind the way Ranma always
had to? It was easy to believe that egotistical jerk had done something to
piss the old man off so, hadn't he just made Ranma more angry than perhaps
he had ever been since getting his curse? It would just be a case of Takeshi
getting his. All he had to do was shake on it.

 Second to the last sentence is a bit of a run-on.

"That will pass as you move and your body metabolizes the change. If you
hurry to the school as fast as you can, you will be in peak condition when
you get there."

 Huh...

"How do you know that's going on? You've been here the entire time?"

 Is that last bit a question? Or a statement.

Ranma, for his part, did not unleash everything he had at first. He was
still learning the limits of his abilities, and Takeshi was as good a
measuring stick as any. Also there was the fact Takeshi was using some
technique to make himself appear twice as tall as before. But it would make
no difference in the end. Ranma knew he would be victorious.

 Bleah. Well, there's always a price.

 Poor Ranma.

"This matter no longer concerns you!" The shout Ranma like a sledgehammer,
and he fell to his knees for a moment.

 The shout did what to Ranma like a sledgehammer?

Sifler returned his attention to Takeshi. He held out his hand. "What I ask
for will do you no good in this life. It is a useless, overrated, ethereal
thing that dreamers and fools place false emphasis upon. All that you should
be concerned about are real things, like being the best again. All you
should be concerned about is your greatness. Go ahead. Take my hand. You'll
be happy. I can see what your heart desires, and this is it."

 Hm.

Sifler gave a dismissive wave. "I gave you what you wanted: the ability to
defeat Takeshi. I might not have charged you anything for it, but I never
said there would be no drawbacks."

 Uh... actually, he _did_. Ranma asked what the catch was, and he said that there were none. Now, while milage may vary... this seems closer to an outright lie than a clever deception.

"I have lived up to my end of the bargain! By the rights of the Way, you
cannot bring harm to me in any way, shape, or form," Sifler hissed.

 The Way? So this wierd creature is supposed to be Lao`Tsu?

Takeshi moved to intercept her as well. "Don't be stupid, girl! There are
things worse than death!"

 I thought he left?

Probably should have gone over it one more time, but I was eager to post
this since I'll be at Otakon this weekend and wanted to get this out before
then. I know the idea and theme have been used before. That was where the
'Soul of Ice' reference comes from. It's a fic by Matthew Lewis (much better
than this), but I can't blame him for this since I believe it came to me
before I read it. There is something else I have in mind I CAN blame Matt
for since he was the one that issued the challenge, but it might be for the
best that that fic not ever come to light. But in the case of this piece,
the blame rests entirely upon my shoulders. This one felt a little off,
though it might be because the ending waxes a little too melodramatic, even
for my tastes. Anyway, hope you enjoyed it, even if it was another downer
fic. I seem to be doing quite a few of these lately.

 I rather liked the style of Soul of Ice. It's where the inspiration for one of my own fics came from.

 Anyway. In generall...

 Well written, gets the point across clearly, and is very interesting to read. Didn't find the ending too melodramatic.

 Possibly I'd quibble that the fight scenes feel more than a bit gratuitous, but then, that's the nature of the game, so to speak.

 But... I didn't like it, sorry. :/

D.B. Sommer