At 03:44 PM 08-08-2001 -0500, Thermopyle wrote:

I read this this morning before I went to work, so I'm just going
on memory as far as what I noticed that was either wrong or that
just seemed slightly off to me.  I didn't go back through and
specifically try and look for mistakes, or anything, so don't expect
much.  I probably wouldn't even send comments except that nobody
else has said anything bad yet and I felt like kicking somebody in
the stomach, since work sucked today! ;)

       Uh...heheheh...thanks? ^_^;;

Anyway, here goes:

 *snip*

>
>       Nabiki shook her head.  "I just couldn't be there, Ranma."
> She looked up with defeated eyes.  "Why do you think I went to the
> funeral at least? "

This last sentance didn't come out well.  Doesn't sound quite right,
you could put a comma after funeral, that'd help a bit, but
rephrasing the sentance a little would probably be better.

       *nodnod* I remember writing that and not exactly writing it
the way I wanted it to feel.

This scene seems kinda fake to me, but that's only a personal
opinion, and I don't have anything specific to suggest to make it
better.  A confrontation like this should feel somewhat awkward,
at least that's what I would be feeling in such a situation, and
it just comes out too easily here, with Nabiki being completely
coherent and able to say EXACTLY what the reason for her not showing
up in her father's last hours were.  Sure, the tears show that she's
sad, but *I* didn't feel sad while reading this section, and I
should have.  I'm not sure if this helps or not! ;)

       I think I understand what you mean.  I want to try and thread
the line between Nabiki's cool resolve during situations and her want
to just lay it bare and get it out of her system after so many years.
I'll try to pay more attention to that when going through this scene
again.

 *snip*

>       "Anyways...when I heard about the heart attack, I just
> couldn't go, Akane.  I wanted to, gods did I want to.  But I
> couldn't bear to see him go down like that.  It felt like Mom all
> over again, and I couldn't handle it.  So...I threw myself into
> my work in Hong Kong.  I got reports from my assistant in Tokyo,
> but I decided to stay there.
>
>       "When I heard he died in surgery, I cracked.  I was coming
> out of a meeting, and one of the OLs there gave me the message.
> I was told I passed out, I was totally out of it.  When I was
> finally in some sort of control, I jumped a plane over.  And
> sorta drank myself into a stupor courtesy of first class
> amenities."

I didn't get this plane thing at all.  Jumped over a plane would
make SOME sense, not realistically, but at least I would understand
what's being said, and here I do not.

This scene has some of the same problems, at least for me, that the
previous one did.  There are years of grief and anger here, yet it's
resolved as easily as Nabiki saying, "Well, I just don't like
hospitals!  If he knew he was gonna die the old bastard should have
come visited me first, my schedule was far more busy than his was!"
Well, you get the point.  Again, this is my opinion.

       *nodnod* Yeah, I understand.  I'll try to get a better handle
of things when I go through the revision.

Anyway, this is a nice, well-written story.  I must confess to being
slightly dissapointed that it wasn't a Nabiki matchup, however, which
I thought it might be after reading the beginning.  Eventually Akane
showed up and dashed my hopes, but oh well. >8(

       *laugh* I personally like Nabiki too, but the way this story
came to me, it just wasn't meant to be. -_^

       Thanks for giving me your opinion on the story.  I really
appreciate it.

                                                       Lany
______________________________________________________________________
Delany Brittain
 turtyl@montana.com , turtyl@megami.net
 turtyll @ AIM, 19152118 @ ICQ
 http://turtyl.megami.net/

 Student, Uni. of Montana; Member, Studio YOGIPIGS; Aspiring, Author
-----

    Ranma-onna did her best 'Kawaii' routine, sparkles and all.
     "With a smile on my face and a song in my heart."
      --Saotome Ranma, "Kasumi and the Gaki" by Jack Staik

    "When it comes to hitting .400, (real) close is just like
     horseshoes and hand grenades, at least in the court of
     public opinion."
      --Rob Neyer, ESPN.com


The Megami Project -- http://www.megami.net/

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