I read this this morning before I went to work, so I'm just going on memory
as far as what I noticed that was either wrong or that just seemed slightly
off to me.  I didn't go back through and specifically try and look for
mistakes, or anything, so don't expect much.  I probably wouldn't even send
comments except that nobody else has said anything bad yet and I felt like
kicking somebody in the stomach, since work sucked today! ;)

Anyway, here goes:

      "Well, she's married now.  Her last name's Tanaka now.  She's

Sounds repetitive.

      Nabiki reluctantly turned back to face Ranma.  "Why?"  She
wanted to put up another wall, another feint.  But she just couldn't
grasp anything but the truth.  "I...I couldn't bear to see him go like
that.  It was like Mother.  Ranma, I still remember when Mother left
us.  I watched her dwindle away for 6 months before she died.  First
she couldn't do all the housework.  Then she couldn't go to the
market.  She couldn't go outside.  She couldn't leave her room.

      "Okay, father wasn't like that.  After the heart attack, we
knew the surgery would be risky.  We knew when he'd go under the
knife.  But the feelings were the same!"  She sighed, and wiped the
silent tears that flowed from her eyes.  "I couldn't go through with
that, Ranma.  Not again.  I couldn't stand there and say goodbye to
him, thinking it might be the last time I'd see him alive!"

      Ranma reached over to put a hand on hers.  "I...I know what ya
mean.  It was hard.  But he wanted ya ta be there, Nabiki.  His last
thoughts before they took him in was a you."

      Nabiki sniffed and turned away.  "S-sure, you just had to say
that, didn't you."

      Ranma sighed.  "It's because it's true.  Nabiki, he was proud a
you.  Dammit...think about it.  Me an' Akane, we joined the houses.
Kasumi went back ta school an' became a doctor.  But yer the one that
he was the most proud of.  Ya can't say he wouldn't be proud a the
daughter who was known the world over, would'ja?"

      Nabiki shook her head.  "I just couldn't be there, Ranma."  She
looked up with defeated eyes.  "Why do you think I went to the funeral
at least? "

This last sentance didn't come out well.  Doesn't sound quite right, you
could put a comma after funeral, that'd help a bit, but rephrasing the
sentance a little would probably be better.

This scene seems kinda fake to me, but that's only a personal opinion, and I
don't have anything specific to suggest to make it better.  A confrontation
like this should feel somewhat awkward, at least that's what I would be
feeling in such a situation, and it just comes out too easily here, with
Nabiki being completely coherent and able to say EXACTLY what the reason for
her not showing up in her father's last hours were.  Sure, the tears show
that she's sad, but *I* didn't feel sad while reading this section, and I
should have.  I'm not sure if this helps or not! ;)

      Nabiki slowly nodded.  "Yeah, it was.  I heard about what
happened that night.  It's just that...I couldn't be there Akane."
She sighed.  "You don't remember how it was when Mother died, do
you?"

      Akane hesitated, as she looked at Nabiki.  Finally, she shook
her head.  "Not really.  It's foggy, like a dream.  I remember a
couple of things.  Like when Kasumi took me to see Mom that last
time, or when Daddy went into his own world for that whole month
afterwards."

      Nabiki nodded.  "Yeah, you were a little too young to get the
full impact.  I, on the other hand, remember all of it."  She paused
to gather herself a moment.  "I remember everything, from when Mother
was all well, to when she died.  It was horrible, Akane.  You didn't
remember, but I sort of went into a shell too after she died.  Do
you remember when Nodoka went with Daddy all those times, after
things calmed down some?"

      Akane nodded.  "Yeah.  They always went out on Fridays.  It was
for coffee, right?"  She shook her head.  "And I was always jealous,
because you went along and I didn't."

      Nabiki coughed.  "Those weren't coffee clutches.  Nodoka took
Daddy to see a therapist.  And right after him, I went in."

      Akane did a doubletake.  "Nani?"  As Nabiki nodded she said
quietly, "Oh gods...I didn't know."

      "Of course not.  It wouldn't have made sense to you at that
time.  And we didn't tell anyone else after we stopped our sessions.
I doubt even Genma knows about them.  Nodoka always told him that she
was going to see some girlfriends.  And then of course Genma left with
Ranma."

      Akane sighed.  "I can't believe this...." she muttered.

      Nabiki nodded.  "It's funny though.  When Daddy was able to go
without Nodoka's help, he and I used to stop by that little kissaten
on Kei Street.  Remember which one I'm talking about?  We used to talk
about what happened.  I don't know, but I guess we formed a bond then.
In a few ways, we were closer to each other than either you or Kasumi
were to him.

      "Anyways...when I heard about the heart attack, I just couldn't
go, Akane.  I wanted to, gods did I want to.  But I couldn't bear to
see him go down like that.  It felt like Mom all over again, and I
couldn't handle it.  So...I threw myself into my work in Hong Kong.
I got reports from my assistant in Tokyo, but I decided to stay
there.

      "When I heard he died in surgery, I cracked.  I was coming out
of a meeting, and one of the OLs there gave me the message.  I was
told I passed out, I was totally out of it.  When I was finally in
some sort of control, I jumped a plane over.  And sorta drank
myself into a stupor courtesy of first class amenities."

I didn't get this plane thing at all.  Jumped over a plane would make SOME
sense, not realistically, but at least I would understand what's being said,
and here I do not.

This scene has some of the same problems, at least for me, that the previous
one did.  There are years of grief and anger here, yet it's resolved as
easily as Nabiki saying, "Well, I just don't like hospitals!  If he knew he
was gonna die the old bastard should have come visited me first, my schedule
was far more busy than his was!"  Well, you get the point.  Again, this is
my opinion.

Anyway, this is a nice, well-written story.  I must confess to being
slightly dissapointed that it wasn't a Nabiki matchup, however, which I
thought it might be after reading the beginning.  Eventually Akane showed up
and dashed my hopes, but oh well. >8(

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