<snip>

Okay...  I'll have to keep this *real* brief, since to go into details of specific examples would take more time (and sanity) than I currently have available

First off, the grammar is atrocious.  Numerous errors and snafus that most prereaders would have caught.  You'd mentioned that you'd used Word 8 to correct for (I'm assuming) spelling errors.  The spelling here is quite good as a result, but the grammar really needs work.  Is this supposed to be a draft or the final product?  Your note didn't say which.

Also, this story doesn't seem to make any sense.  I was able to tell what was going on, but only after re-reading and puzzling over quite a few spots, quite a few times.

Summary:  This story, even if this is just a prologue, needs some major surgery to be viable.


Red Death
Archivist, Fanfic Reviewer & Author
Proprietor, Ranma 1/2 Superhighway
http://www.angelfire.com/anime2/superhighway/index.html

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