I'm only going to go through a little bit of this correcting grammar and
the like, mainly because I think it's a fairly interesting idea. Despite
that, I only read maybe a quarter of it before I gave up. The characters
and writing are both fairly stiff and could use work, and the grammar
could definitely use the same. Also, you want to make sure you word wrap
your story, some browsers will do it for you, but it's not guaranteed.
Michael Coll wrote:
Two sides of the same coin
While not necessary, it's common practice to capitalize major words in a
title. "Two Sides of the Same Coin" in this case.
By Michael Coll sc.powerup@angelfire.com
Hi all I was thinking of writing a sequel to my other story but another story came to mind hope you like it this is set before Ranma and Genma meet the tendos. I'm posting this on the spur of the moment kinda thing. All comments welcome
Start
Unless this is a thought by Ranma, you might want to cut it, just put in white space, a
line, asterisks or something else to denote the fact that the story has begun.
Ranma walked through the night he was travelling through china with his old man and was bored.
This sentence could use some elaboration. Where in China is he? Plains, mountains,
forest,
what? Is the night cold, humid, hot? Anything at all special about it? All of these
could
flesh it out a little, give us a better idea of what's going on. Rather than telling us
Ranma
is bored you might make it evident from his actions, perhaps he's walking along a dirt
trail
which barely deserves the name path, kicking a small stone, or keeping it in the air
absently.
In addition, China, as a country, is always capitalized and you could probably split this
into
two sentences (...walked through the night. He was...), otherwise you need a semi-colon I
believe (...walked through the night; he was...)
"I still say we should have killed him" Said a voice in Ranma head it was feminine but had the undertones of malice in it.
"What ever else he is Ranko he is still our father" He said back
Grammar first. If you're using a verb like said, told, muttered, or something similar, in
other
words if you're describing the speech, you use a comma and don't capitalize after:
"I still say we should have killed him," said a voice in...
You're also missing an apostrophe and 's' to show the possessive on "Ranma's head" and
need a
comma separating the last clause, since it's describing the voice:
...in Ranma's head, it was feminine, but had undertones of malice in it.
You also had an extra 'the' in front of 'undertones'.
In the second sentence by Ranma, you need to separate Ranko since Ranma is addressing the
voice, and again a comma is needed because you're describing speech:
"Whatever else he is, Ranko, he is still our father," he said back.
Ignoring the grammar however, I would almost suggest that you start your story here.
You can fit in a description of where Ranma is and what he's doing later, and this will
grab your reader's attention. Again, as before however, this could also use some fleshing
out, a bit more description of the people conversing, etc...
"Huh some father he's sold us countless times for his own gullet we would have been rid of him if you hadn't stopped me"
"Huh, some father, he's sold us countless times for his own gullet. We would have been
rid of
him if you hadn't stopped me.
Ranma remembered that well he had fallen asleep and Ranko had taken over his body taking a knife from his backpack and almost killed Genma by slitting his throat if Ranma hadn't felt the thoughts from Ranko and woke.
This could probably be split into about three or four sentences, plus you slip from
present to past
tense a few times. Again, the description of the setting and the entire scene could use
more to
fill it in and let it flow better.
"I agree but unlike you I think killing is wrong" He said
"I agree, but unlike you, I think killing is wrong," he said.
Quite frankly, this is pretty bland. I'm assuming that Ranma is the "good" side, and
Ranko
is the "evil" side, if so, you might want to have Ranma give some of Genma's good traits,
or
spice up the conversation some other way. Whatever you do, don't let your own biases show
through for the characters, Genma has his faults, but he also has his good points and he's
the only stable force in Ranma's life at this point.
"bah Killing your enemies isn't wrong only the strong survive Ranma and were the strongest"
"Bah. Killing your enemies isn't wrong. Only the strong survive, Ranma, and we're the
strongest."
It was a mistake to assume Ranko had killed because always Ranma managed to stop her only just in a few cases. He didn't even know how she came to be all he knew was that she was with him ever since he was young he woke up and there she was it was nice to have a friend to play with anyway. He had one time told Genma of it and was promptly beaten for being weak for thinking he was a girl.
Who's assuming that Ranko had killed? This just distracts from the story a bit, you might
want
to work this information in during an actual flashback. Again, you have a number of
grammar
mistakes throughout the paragraph, some tense errors, places where you need comma's, run
on
sentences, etc... I would suggest going through a grammar book and boning up on these
things,
or sit down and read some of the better C&C on the FFML. Watch where other people make
mistakes
and listen to the advice they're given, then apply it to your own fiction.
I made it a little bit farther in the fic itself, but not by much. Work on making the
events
flow a bit more smoothly and brush up on your grammar. There's nothing quite like bad
grammar
to get a fic deleted out of hand.