Exar wrote:

Kasumi leaned over the garbage can, smiling gently as she pulled on the
little yellow
ribbons that formed the handles of the bag. She lifted the bag out of the
can and
pulled the handles up, forming a shape not unlike a bunny's ears. "Now to
tie a knot

You've got a major word wrapping problem here. Alternating long and short lines.
Usually this sort of thing happens because your email client is wrapping at a
smaller width than whatever text editor you used to write the fic.

She gasped in surprise, and almost dropped the bag. She opened the bag
carefully
and fished out the bottle. Sure enough, it had Akane's name on it, and Dr.
Tofu's
prescription. Frowning slightly, Kasumi marched out of the kitchen and up to

KASUMI: Akane! Why is your name on Dr. Tofu's prescription?

AKANE: You didn't know? I'm working as a pharmacist in my spare time.

Seriously, Dr. Tofu is a chiropractor and acupuncturist, not a general
practicioner or any other sort of doctor who'd be prescribing pills. I suggest
you make up another doctor to use in place of Tofu here.

She knocked firmly on the door. "Akane? It's Kasumi, I need to talk to you."

AKANE: Not until you stop with the run-on sentences!

(should be: It's Kasumi. I need)

________________________

The Next Morning...
________________________

Try to work this sort of information into the narrative; using this sort of
caption breaks the flow of the story. (If nothing else, your could just start
with 'The next morning, Akane ran to school...')

And Ranma was immediately plowed into by a bicycle and one very affectionate
Amazon.

Suggest:

A bicycle and one very affectionate Amazon immediately plowed into Ranma.

(The passive voice should be avoided whenever possible; an active voice pretty
much always sounds stronger while conveying the same information.)
 

"Nihao, Ranma! You take Shampoo to date, yes?" ,she said as she pawed at him

Take out the comma before "she said," since the exclamation point already
punctuates the line of dialog.

Ranma said, "Why sure, Shampoo, just let me get trid of Akane, here, and

get rid of	(typo)

She pulled a bowl out of the cupboard and started gathering the ingredients
for chocalate chip
cookies. Proving that she could learn from her mistakes, Akane kept the
recipie in front of her,
didn't imporvise once, well except for the raisins, btu tehy tasted so good,

but they	(typo)

First step, flour. Let's see, there it is. a round container with a metal

there it was, a

or

there it was. A

(Punctuation needs to agree with the capitalization, and you're writing in past
tense.)

spout on top, labeled "flour".
She grabbed the container and flipped up the spout. She pour 3 cups into a

She poured three cups

She turned the oven dial up to 375, and spooned small amount of her mixture

spooned a small

onto a cookie sheet.
When the oven was properly warm, she put the cookie sheet in and set the
timer. A few minutes
later, the timer went off and the cookies came out. They looked a little
flat, but good. Just wait till
Ranma trys one.

tries (or tried, since you're in past tense)

The way you're writing this is really bland. It's like reading a manga that's
drawn with stick figures; you can still follow the story, but the experience is
a lot less involving. Spice your writing up with some sensory information (the
smells, feels, etc. of the kitchen) and maybe some well-chosen descriptive
metaphors. If nothing else, pick some unusual (but appropriate) verbs; she eased
(or stuffed, or slid, etc. etc.) the cookie sheet into the oven, rather than the
bland "put."

At lunch, she walked straight to where Ranma sat with Hiroshi and Daisuke.
She plopped the
cookies down in front of him and waited. Ranma picked one up, looked at it
carefully, and slowly
put in in his mouth. He bit into it and chewed slowly, then spit it out and
turned around and lost his
breakfast on the ground behind him.

Here's a place where you definitely need some better descriptive writing. The
image of Ranma throwing up is crucial to your story, and yet the offhand mention
of it doesn't give it any importance at all. Describe how this would look (and
maybe sound, smell, etc.) to Akane in enough detail that we can get a good
mental picture of it.

Akane stormed off, shouting over her shoulder, "I don't know why I even try
to cook for you!"

Ranma was left holding an intact and incredibly hard cookie with a confused
look on his face.

"Guys, I didn't throw up, did I?"

"No." "Nope."

"I can never understand her..."

The shift away from the unreliable narration of Akane's viewpoint is rather
abrupt here. You probably don't need these last few paragraphs, as I think it's
pretty clear what's happening, but if you keep them, put some sort of scene
breaker after Akane storms off, and write in some of Ranma's thoughts so there's
no doubt that we've shifted to a different point of view.

 "Ranma, dinnertime!", called Kasumi, looking up the stairs.

"Coming!", returned Ranma.

Take out the commas that follow the quoted lines. In each case, the exclamation
point punctuates the quote, so you don't need the comma.
 

As she watched, he vaulted the railing and lept halfway down the stairs,

leapt

once again forgetting to
check for someone in the way. As had happened once before, he attemped to
stop as quickly as
possible, but still ended up hugging her.

I'm rather confused by the once again/once before mention, as I can't remember
any incident like this in the manga, and it doesn't seem to have any importance
as backstory to your fanfic.

"You pervert! It bad enough that you do that with Shampoo! But with my own
sister! I don't
believe you!" She screamed as she readied her trusty mallet and bashed Ranma
into the ground,
barely missing her sister.

Given the premise of this story, I don't understand why she almost hits Kasumi.
Hallucinating different behavior for Ranma shouldn't make her any less careful
about targeting him and him alone.

"Like what, Akane?", said Kasumi, her voice a little shaky.

Again with the extraneous comma.

Ranma was confused, and struggled for a moment, until he realixed that a

realized

IMO, this would have worked better if you'd written it as comedy rather than a
serious story. Trying to take it seriously raises all sorts of questions that
the story is probably not equipped to answer. Why is Akane hallucinating these
particular things and nothing else? Why haven't any of the other characters --
particularly Kasumi, your characterization of whom seems very much on the
"all-wise matriarch of the home" side -- figured out what's going on before now?
Why hasn't Akane's doctor noticed that she hasn't been refilling her
prescription, and notified Soun? If you did this as a comedy, OTOH, with a more
oblivious Kasumi, it would be a good deal easier to overlook all of this, and I
think the idea of a hallucinating Akane has a lot of potential for humorous
mishaps.

Just my opinion, of course. Hope this was in some way helpful.


Gary
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