Subject: [FFML] Re: C&C [Ranma] [alt] Birthright
From: "Brendan O'Donnell" <brendan@wiltonnewyork.com>
Date: 8/5/2001, 2:48 AM
To: "Arthur Hansen" <arthurh@utah-inter.net>, <ffml@anifics.com>


----- Original Message -----
From: "Arthur Hansen" <arthurh@utah-inter.net>
To: "allyn yonge" <ayonge@yahoo.com>; <ffml@anifics.com>
Sent: Friday, August 03, 2001 11:25 PM
Subject: [FFML] Re: C&C [Ranma] [alt] Birthright



----- Original Message -----
From: "allyn yonge" <ayonge@yahoo.com>
To: "Arthur Hansen" <arthurh@utah-inter.net>; <ffml@anifics.com>
Sent: Wednesday, August 01, 2001 6:57 PM
Subject: C&C [Ranma] [alt] Birthright


Hi,
My comments are In My Opinion ONLY.
Take what you find useful and ignore the rest.
While I'm C&Cing chapter 3 specifically
I'll make reference to chapters 1 & 2 along the way.

Comments @@

@@Overall:
All in all, a good read.
Enjoyable story and generally nice
dialogue/action smoothly blended.
However I've noticed a lack of real
dramatic tension . . .things happen too quickly,
problems are resolved almost before the reader knows
there IS a problem.  I'd also like to see more detail
regarding certain things, especially Nabiki.
She's one of the most interesting characters in the
story, but you don't spend enough time with her.

Now, for some detail . . .

Thanks for the kind comments, I'll reply to specifics!


From:
        "Arthur Hansen" <arthurh@utah-inter.net> |
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 Subject:
        [FFML] [Ranma] [alt] Birthright
   Date:
        Wed, 25 Jul 2001 23:00:11 -0600

@@Disclaimer?

Er, got a little busy trying to actually get the silly thing posted.

<snip>
@@Too predictable, especially when you're introducing
Ryouga in the same order and in a very similar manner
as the original.
Several areas which lack conflict or detail:

It's about the same time and nothing has happened to Ryoga to change him,
so
why wouldn't he show up and act the same way? The only difference is Akane

and the people she's starting to meet.
    Ryouga wouldn't show up and interact the same way because he doesn't fit
into the story in the same way as the origional.  Basically the question
isn't so much weather or not Ryouga's appearance should be the same, it's
weather or not you should constrain your narative by the origional, or
modify the origional to fit your story better.
    In the origional, Ryouga was introduced as an ultimate rival, and later
became a romantic rival as well.  However in your story he's been written
out of both rolls on his first appearance.
<snip>

3) Ryouga . . .Other than Akane's participation (which
I liked) it's too close to the original, down to the
dialogue. And, Akane's win is, IMO, too easy. Recall
that Ranma didn't win his first fight against Ryouga
(I'm not sure, but I think Ryouga has won more fights,
Ranma just wins the last one. ^_^ (but don't hold me
to that. I haven't counted))

Ranma was most definitely in charge of this fight in the manga. Ranma not
holding back would probably be able to do this well against Ryoga when
they
first met. Also, Ranma is not static, so his skills have also been
increasing at a faster pace than the canon manga issues (Akane is keeping
up
or just ahead of him.)
    Frankly the change from the Manga means that you have to think twice
about weather or not to include any of the Martial arts in this story.  The
one thing that all the opponents/fights in the manga have in common is that
every one of Ranma's enemies outclasses him.  Initially it's in appearance,
but soon they actually have the edge in each fight.  That's what made the
fights interesting, the sense of an overwhelming opponent being
outmaneuvered.  In this story where the outcome of the fights are clear
beforehand, they aren't as interesting.

<SNIP>


"Do you know him, Ranma?" Akane asked curiously. She
was
eyeing the new boy speculatively. Strong, but not
terribly
fast. She wondered how good a fighter he really was.

@@Ummm . . .doesn't "seem" terribly fast. After all,
she's just met him. OTOH this would be a nice setup
for "hubris". Akane underestimates Ryouga's speed.

Ryoga isn't terribly fast by Ranma standards.
    Ranma and Ryouga only got into two fights before the Tenshin Amaguriken
and the Bakusai Tenketsu, so your making a sweeping judgement based on
incomplete information.
    Ranma was faster than Ryouga when they first fought.  But it wasn't the
sort of overwhealming difference created by later divergence in their
training styles.  Besides if your fights are simply going to match up with
Akane's analysis, why bother describing the fights at all.

<SNIP>

A hubbub of voices from the crowd in the background
could be
heard.

"Bad sense of direction?"

"Really bad."

"You said it."

@@This section much too close to original. One way
around this is to mix up the order of appearance. Have
Shampoo or Ukyou show up now, Ryouga later. Have Ryoga
show up in a different way, enrolled in class (a la
Ukyou) for instance and have Ukyou use Ryouga's
"leap-from-the-sky-screaming-vengeance" entrance.

I can't see justifying moving Ryoga's appearance around. He doesn't start
to
change until he meets Ranma and Akane.
    Justify?  Just decide that he took a wrong left instead of a wrong right
in China, saved someone, and was rewarded by the opportunity to spend a few
months studying a Martial art that would make him a serious challenge.

<snip>
<SNIP> Fight scene, Ranma wins too easily.

There is a very good reason for that. Ranma (and Akane) have been in
hyper-competitive mode since Ranma arrived at the Dojo. It would be like
Ryoga living at the Dojo and *constantly* fighting Ranma while having the
benefit of his training trips.

Simply put, Ranma and Akane are more skilled than Ranma is canon-ly at
this
point.
    The point isn't that Ryouga should be harder to beat, the point is that
if Ryouga is so easy to beat, you should spend as little time as possible on
the actual fight scene, and focus on how the fight affects the characters
and the story.
<snip>
@@IMO you need to find a substitute for "cracking
knuckles" ^_*

Just not sure what to do instead.
    Clench his fist(breaking or crushing whatever he was holding), Snarling,
Tensing up, Flooding his surroundings with killing chi, Striking a pose as
lightning or the surf crashes behind him.

<snip>
@@Cute. I'm still bothered by Akane and Ranma getting
along so well and being so "perfect" as martial
artists.  You need a bigger stick than poor old
Ryouga. Either make him better or replace him with a
better foe.

Too much competition is bad though. They aren't perfect and people can
(and
will) use their competitive spirit against them.
    Ok, so there's going to be a story where they fight a Martial artist
who's secret arts emphasise getting multiple opponents to take out each
other.  And the day before a duel he has scheduled with Akane or Ranma, he
changes the dynamic by provoking a full scale duel between them.
    "I will only fight the better of you two"
    Ranma and Akane in unison "That would be me."
    Ranma and Akane fight, both hurt and exhausted, ready to challenge
enemy:
    "Ok, I submit to your supperior skill, which one of you was the best
again?"

<snip>

1) Make the rivalry between Akane/Ranma & Soun/Genma
more intense, more edgy. Play up the "secret
techniques" bit.

Actually, Genma's techniques aren't really 'secret' but sealed. He found
them to be too dangerous.
    Not quite, while he did find them to be dangerous, he mainly sealed them
because they were dishonerable.  What would probably make the story feel
more dynamic would be if Soun and Genma had a stronger sense of rivalry.  So
that rather than Soun throwing everything into training Akane just for the
sake of the art, he also did it because he wanted to prove to Genma that he
could train a student better than him.
    Hmm, perhapse when some of the less savory aspects of Genma's actions
surface, Akane wouln't be able to criticise as well because her father did
even worse things to get her trained.  (And unlike Genma, Soun's actions
weren't spur of the moment.)

2)More info on Nabiki, let's see more of her thoughts,
motivations, pain, insecurity. Build a more solid
conflict between Nabiki and the rest of the world.

Oh, there's quite a bit more about that in the next chapter, but one thing
at a time.
    The simple fact is that without the sense of genuine threat in the
fights, Nabiki and the price that Akane's skill has exacted on her family is
what makes the story interesting.

3)I'd get rid of Nanami, or make some drastic changes.
She may add something to the story latter, but right
now, IMO, she's just filler. Frankly I think you'd be
better served by spending the time on Kasumi.

In many ways, Nanami is filler, but while she will be leaving, she is
being
resolved, not just kicked out.

4)Don't resolve Kasumi's pregnancy so quickly. That's
another cliff-hanger to keep the reader interested.
And don't make Soun so understanding. Or at least have
someone be critical. Nabiki is almost too easy a
choice for this. IMO, have Kasumi's boyfriend run out
on her. THEN soun needs a quick husband, and Ranma's
handy. ^_^ And you've got Ryouga hanging around, who
could start out using Kasumi to try to get the doujou
and martial arts secrets for revenge against Ranma &
Akane.

I really can't see Kasumi's finace dumping her like that.
    Hey, Soun's obsession with Akane caused Nabiki to turn to drugs, it
could have made Kasumi really impulsive and not too choosey with guy's.

5)Don't get rid of Nabiki so easily. For instance::
Nabiki lets Akane get close, pretends to surrender,
then sticks her knife in Akane's kidney. ^_^ You don't
have to do it that way. Even better if you can turn it
around so that Ranma is at fault, or at least Nabiki
is not as much to blame. OR have Ranma jailed for drug
use, spend some time having to prove his innocence.

I think a few reputable witnesses that Ranma thought he was taking
vitamins
that were in Nabiki's rooms would convince most officers (especially with
Akane going and bringing Nabiki back.)
    Hmm, whatever happens with Nabiki it should have some of the tension and
uncertainty that you've extracted from the Martial arts.  For example, if
Soun cut a deal with the Yakuza to arange for Akane to have access to the
best training grounds, and secret techniques form various Dojo's, then
Nabiki's drug connection might also be Soun's contact.  Which would lead to
a lot of uncertainty and tension with Soun trying to keep his actions
seperate from his family while the underground aspects are seeping in via
Nabiki.  And there would be the question of how Akane reacted to the
knowlege that Nabiki wouldn't have had the drugs except for things her
father did to get her trained.

Keep the reader interested by keeping him surprised
and on edge. Recall that in the manga Ranma's enemies
kept getting stronger and stronger, which made it
harder and harder for him to win, more likely that
Akane might die, that they would never be together,
etc.

Nice readable stories just as they are and I'll keep
reading w/o any changes. However there's a LOT of
potential here (in all of the one's I've read) and it
would be interesting to see what happens with more
dramatic tension.

^)^

Thanks for the kind words again!

Arthur Hansen

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