Chibi Evil wrote:

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           From: "Chibi Evil" <chibi_evil@dragonslave.com>
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                Outside Influences
                     Part 1
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Note: Near the bottom of the text is the disclaimer and some other notes
that'll keep you from being confused.

Okay. This may get a bit messy. Netscape 6 doesn't seem to like large e-mails much. (Look who's talking!)

 :p

The obligatory long winded intro:

First, this is a alterverse fic. There are some changes to Ranma and SM
timelines and characters and places, though these are mostly minor things, like the ages of some of the characters have been played with. All the Sailor Moon characters are two years older, but otherwise there are no changes in the SM storyline so far. It takes place at the point where Chibi-Usa and Hotaru are friends, but before Hotaru goes all evil and stuff. In the Ranma timeline it diverges MAJORLY right before Jusenkyo, though there are some other changes in Ranma's history I won't go into right now.

Second, Ranma Nibunnoichi characters and concepts belong to Takahashi
Rumiko, and SM characters and concepts belong to Takeuchi Naoko. I claim ownership of only the actual story, not the characters which are used in it,
with the exception of the ones which I created myself. Any cameos from characters from other sources will have the disclaimers at the end of the first chapter they are contained in. They are used without permission, and
no challenge is being made to the property rights of the intellectual property used in this story.

Three lines represents a change of scene.

 I always like '***' or some such. But, milage varies. ;)

Two lines represents the start of a flashback in a scene. I'll have a lot of these later on, but for the first part they will be relatively rare. These will also end in two lines.

 Hmm...

At the end of each chapter I have some notes on the events of the chapter
and my thoughts on the chapter as well.

 That's awlays good. :p

    Haruka looked up from her newspaper as the phone in her home rang. Her phone never rang, unless it was Michiru or Setsuna, but both women were in plain sight of her, sitting at the breakfast table. It might have been
the Inner Senshi, but they were more likely to use the Senshi communicators,
since only Ami and Rei had their phone number. Michiru was a bit confused as to why the phone was ringing, and Setsuna had, as usual, a mask of calm on her face, though it seemed slightly more thoughtful than usual.

 Hmm... something about that first paragraph seems stilted, but I'm not sure what.

    Haruka walked over to the phone, checking the number on the display. It was indistinguishable. That meant it was either from a pay phone of some kind, or an out of country call. Haruka thought briefly of the people she knew who were out of country, and came up blank.

 Indistinguishable? From what? Perhaps show us what she sees? Like a line of asterisks, or an 'unknown' message?

    "Tell her it's her cousin Saotome Ranma." The young man said.

 'cousin, Saotome...'

    "Alright, just a minute." Haruka covered the mouthpiece of the handset and looked to Michiru. "Michiru, there's a call here from someone named Saotome Ranma. He says it's a family matter."

 Repetition of the name Michiru there. Perhaps replace the first instance with, 'partner' , 'her lover' or some such?

    Michiru quickly got up and crossed the room to the phone, concern
clearly on her face. Michiru had her reasons, of course. Ranma didn't think
near-fatal wounds were important. Whatever it was would have to be fairly
significant for him to call her.

 'concern clearly on her face' somehow lacks impact. Is the concern etched there? Painted? Perhaps just 'concern was clear on her face'? As is, it seems to flow poorly.

    "Hello?" Michiru asked, accepting the handset from Haruka. "Ranma? Is
that you?"

 Ranma: No, it's your uncle, Genma. OF COURSE IT'S ME!

    "Michiru?" Ranma asked, relief flooding his voice. "Thank the kami it's you! Something really bad happened."

 Who's PoV is this from? If it's from Haruka, how can she hear it? If it's from Michiru, doesn't she need to hear tension in his voice before she can identify the relief?

    "Drowned?" Michiru asked, a soft sob escaping her throat. She and her
uncle had been on good terms, in fact he was the one of the few adult members of her family who had accepted her choices in life. "Ranma, where are you?"

 Interesting.

    "I'm in the Tokyo train station, Michiru." Ranma said, his voice sad.
"I've been calling all our relatives, telling them what happened... You were
the last, since I couldn't find your number in Pop's address book."

 'His voice sad.', in my opinion is somewhat bland, and lacks impact.

 Though, I have to wonder how many relatives Ranma/Genma _have_ here...

    "Where are you staying?" Michiru asked, her voice still sad.

 Again, kind of bland. Don't merely tell us that she's sad, _show_ us how sad she is.

 -- "Where are you staying?" she asked, unable to keep a quaver from her voice. --

 or

 -- "Where are you staying?" she managed, biting her lip to hold in another sob. --

 Etc. And then, how are Setsuna and Haruka reacting? Is Haruka just idling, not saying anything until it's all over? She should have some measure of interest in her life partner's activities...

    "I don't know..." Ranma sighed. "I couldn't contact Mom. Her number
wasn't in Pop's address book, and I couldn't find her listed in the phone
book either. I guess I'll just head into the forest for a while. I can last
out there untill winter, at least."

 Heh. He's probably looking in the wrong district. She _did_ move since he was a child... though I'm guessing that his awareness of his mother is one of the changes?

    "Michiru, are you sure?" Ranma asked. "I mean, I don't wanna impose
or nothin'..."

 Perhaps flesh this out a bit? He's just asking? Should he sound a little relieved, a little aprehensive about imposing? Angry that she thinks he'd need her help?

    "Ranma, you will come live with me for a while." Michiru said. "You're
one of my best friends, even if we haven't seen each other in a long time."

 Again, something to spice up the narrative? While there's nothing wrong with 'said' 'asked', etc., alternatives can help add little touches of detail that help draw the reader into your story.

    "I guess..." Ranma said. "What's your address? I can make it to your
place fine if ya tell me."

 How did he manage to call her without knowing her address, anyway? 411? (Or the Japanese equivelant? :p)

    "Yes..." Michiru replied. "We need to pick Ranma up and register him
at school. He needs an education."

 Woah. The Japanese school enrollment proccess is a bit trickier than that, and I think that they'd be more concerned for his immediate survival than his education.

 Certainly you can ignore much of that, since you're writing for a (primarily) english reading audience, and thus you can gloss over the entire testing gauntlet that the average student has to deal with (Takahashi seems to have done it for Ranma, actually...), but more reguard should be given to the emotions of Ranma and Michiru, as well.

    "Yeah." Michiru replied. "I guess that would suit him. But he's not
stupid. His practical skills and problem solving skills are extremely good,
it's just he's never stayed in one place long enough to keep good grades in
school. He's barely managed to stay in his grade level with all the moving
he and his father did."

 She sure knows a lot about him, for not having seen him really recently. :p

    "He IS a genius." Michiru said. "He's just been raised to be a combat
genius, not a educational genius. His father could only win nine out of ten
fights with Ranma, despite the fact he was much more skilled, and always
went all out against him. And he's passed all of his classes, even though
he's only in school for three or so months a year, before exams."

 I'm not really sure that bit about skill really works. Wouldn't Ranma have to have skill to counter Genma's? Or is Ranma just constantly insanely lucky?

    "We'll do it today. We can get a day off from Principal Tomoe, and
we can buy him the Juuban High uniform, and get him settled in here. We can
use the spare room we have." Haruka said. "We can introduce him to Usagi and
her friends tomorrow, since we were planning on meeting them anyways."

 Again, why the rush? They could just as easily take care of it after Ranma's had at least a day to settle himself from the events, and be with family.

    "But we can't talk about Senshi business in front of him." Michiru
said. "What can we do about that?"

 I'm uncertain of this one. Does 'Senshi' need to be capitalized?

    Both left, leaving Setsuna over her cup of coffee. She allowed herself
a smile as the two left, her hunch confirmed. Things were about to get much more interesting.

 Setunsa: Damn. I wish they'd untie me, instead of leaving me hanging like this... can't... reach... coffee...

    Looking back on the events that followed that fateful morning, she
would realise that for once she would be in the top runnings to win the
Understatement of the Year award.(1)

 I don't quite understand how the paranthetical note ties in with this... Also, in a fic of this size, a note like that (especially if there are many of them) can be very distracting.

    Ranma sat on a bench, reading the scroll he'd found among his father's
meagre possessions.

 meagre -- meager

    His father hadn't left many things in this world, aside from debts,
debts, and more debts. Ranma had a feeling they would come back to haunt him, but he couldn't be sure(2)(3). If anybody could say anything about Saotome Genma, the first thing that would come to mind was that he was quick on his feet when he had to be.

 And quicker with his tongue.

 Anyway... usually you can manage to fold the footnotes into the fic, if you work at it. If you can't, question the need for the footnotes.

    On the other side of the train station, a metal monstrosity was
beginning to attack people. It looked like a cross between some of the mechs
from some of the Anime he'd seen, and a vending machine.

 Hmm... the introduction of the... 'daimon'? Not sure.

 But its introduction feels forced. Why not a little bit of exposition?

 On the far side of the train platform, some bizzare amalgamation of a vending machine and a runner-up for the 'worlds cheeziest mech' competition shuffeld forward haltingly, flailing its limbs at the hapless salarymen.... etc. I'm sure you can do better than that.

    Nobody attacked innocents while he was around. The metal thing was
going to hurt, then it was going to die. The creator would soon follow,
unless they had a good explaination.

 That part, OTOH, flows fairly well.

    Ranma ran through the panicking people, his backpack not at all
impeding his movement. He jumped over a ticket counter and drop kicked the
metal thing, sending it flying through a window and into the streets.

 drop kicked -- drop-kicked

 Metal thing -- creature -- monstrosity -- mech-wannabee -- etc.

 I'm probably being too picky, but a chance to avoid repetition is always good.

    He landed on the thing's head, sending it crashing facefirst into the
sidewalk, and landed in a low stance. He waited as it slowly got to it's
feet, an angry look on it's eyes.

 facefirst -- face first

    "KILL!" It yelled, bullrushing Ranma, who jumped into the air, landing
on it's back and sending it slamming into the parked car behind him. It
crashed through the car, and a stray spark from the metal on metal scraping
caused the oil to ignite, sending the car into flames.

 Not sure about 'bullrushing'.

    "Everybody get away!" Ranma yelled, running at the creature, heedless
of his own advice. "The car's gonna explode!"

 I'm not sure why, but 'heedless' doesn't seem to flow as well here.

    All the pedestrians quickly backed off from gawking at the fight, his
yells alerting them to their own danger. One girl a couple years younger
stumbled and fell, coughing raggedly.

 'couple years younger'? I'm not sure that flows well with your current tone at all.

    Realizing that she wouldn't make it out of the blast radius in time,
Ranma dove in front of her, shielding her with his own body. The explosion
was muffled somewhat by the monster, who died in the blast, but the flames
and debris were not at all slowed down. Jagged pieces of flaming metal hit
Ranma's back, causing deep wounds, and the flames burnt at his back, his
shirt turning to cinders in mere seconds.

 Enter: Love Interest Number One?

    He realised, with a sort of detachment, that he should have been
feeling more pain. He slowly got to his feet, the coppery liquid, which he
idly realised was blood, trickled down his mouth. He wiped it from his
lips as he looked at the monster, which was reforming, despite the fact it's head was lying a good foot from it's neck.

 Repetition of 'realized'.

 The blood trickled down his mouth? You mean 'from'?

 it's -- its

    He was getting angry. Angry at the way he was feeling scared by the
thing. Angry with himself, for letting himself get injured. Angry at the
thing for attacking people. Angry at himself for putting the girl in
danger. Angry at the creator of the thing, whoever it was.

 Ranma: Now... you wouldn't like me, when I'm angry...

    "KILL!" The thing repeated, it's arms reattaching as it began to slowly walk towards Ranma.

 Ranma: Ranma SMASH!

    Ranma was feeling more and more anger flood his body. Anger at the
way his father had taken him from all his friends. Anger at his father for
dying. Anger at himself for being unable to help his father.

 Anger at Michiru for being late.

    He felt something in his mind release, flooding his body with memories
he knew did not, and could not belong to him. They revealed a hundred scenes
of places he didn't recognize, and bestowed upon him knowledge of martial
art's techniques that had been lost in the sands of time.

 art's -- arts

 sands of time -- streams of time? I'm not sure about that one.

    "Ryu Hinshi Kaifuku!" Ranma yelled, using the knowledge that flooded his brain. He felt most of his wounds disappear, and felt more and more
strength flood his body. The red aura dimmed significantly, though it didn't
disappear totally.

 Creature: Hah! Your power does nothing to me!

 Ranma: Kame--

 Creature: Gottagohearmymothercallingby.

    He felt his hands begin to itch somewhat.

    He brought his hands together, noting with some curiousity that the
flames around them intensified with the action. He felt the anger leave him,
as a ball of red began to glow in his hands.

    He felt his strength begin to leave him as the ball began to grow
larger and larger. He realised, with some amazement, that he was forming
a Ki attack. He realised that this could end that monstrosity's life. That
the attack would do what an explosion could not.

 Repetition of 'he' for the begining of the sentences. Intentional?

    It was a stream of red energy, the end forming the head of a dragon
as it raced parallel to the street. A roar, like that of a dragon's, filled
his ears, and it smashed through the metal monster, shearing it in half at
the waist. The dragon faded, as did Ranma's energy. He fell to his knees.

 Fell to his knees... This has a lot more potential, you realize.

    The creature did not move, it's eyes lifeless, and no longer glowing.

 it's -- its

    Ranma was seeing through eyes which could not have belonged to him.

    He saw confusing images. Images of himself fighting some foe he
couldn't see make out. Images of himself bowing in front of a regal woman,
who he felt great respect and reverence on seeing, but no fear despite
this. Images of people he recognized as allies, and yet the next moment
could remember neither their sex nor any distinguishing features about any
of them. He saw himself destroying a large fleet of ships, floating in a
sea of stars, but he could not remember the names, nor the markings of the
ships he destroyed.

 'couldn't see make out.' -- looks like something is missing from this bit.

    Someone began shaking him, but after many long years of training
under his father and waking up the Saotome way, which generally involved
being thrown over the sides of buildings, into crocodile infested waters,
or some other stupidly dangerous environment had rendered Ranma immune to
such petty jolts as a gentle shaking of his shoulder.

 Heh.

    He suddenly felt himself focusing on one person. Her face was unclear
but occasionally Ranma could see a flash of detail, but it was gone before
he could make out anything clear. He felt many emotions as he stared at the
woman. He felt love, pure, unsoiled, and given freely and accepted without
condition. He felt hatred, dark and black, fighting her with all he had. And
overriding these two conflicting emotions was a sense of acceptance on both
sides about the situation.

 First sentence, repetition of 'but'...

    His shoulder was being moved more forcefully, but still not close to
enough to wake him. After hitting the ground after falling from the second
floor of a building, then deciding five more seconds of sleep was worth the
punch his father would get in, it kind of dimmed his perception of the world
while asleep.

 Again, funny. I like this bit.

    Someone was speaking his name while shaking him forcefully, not even
close to waking him up. After waking up while the front door was kicked down
and Chinese police ran through the shanty town he and his father had been
staying at, yells filling the air, someone speaking his name in conjuction
with shaking him would avail them nothing.

 A: You've repeated the 'not even close to waking him up' part.

 B: Wouldn't that make him a _lighter_ sleeper?

    The shaking was growing more intense, and the person saying his name
saying it louder and with more emotion. Not a single bit of it reached him,
so deeply asleep was he. After waking up in a bear's cave, with the bear
awake and near ready to slash his head off, the roar echoing off the stone
walls, no amount of talking would rouse him.

 ... Sleeping through that kind of thing would leave Ranma with a remarkably _short_ life expectancy.

    Finally, he awoke. Michiru was shaking him, and frantically saying his
name, and some girl was sitting in the front seat of the car. He shook his
head and slowly climbed out, reflexively scanning the area for danger and
finding none.

 And completey ignoring Michiru?

    "Shall we go inside?" Michiru asked, grasping Ranma's arm lightly and
picking up his bag in one hand. Well, she attempted to, but it wasn't going
anywhere. Haruka frowned and tried to help as well, but yielded little more
than a scraping sound on the ground, and the bag moving a few inches.

 For 'meager' posessions, they sure seem to weigh a lot.

    "Oh, sorry 'bout that." Ranma said, chuckling a bit as he casually
shouldered the bag, to the astonishment of the two girls. He rolled his
shoulders, allowing the bag to settle into a comfortable position. "The
bag's two hundred pounds, without anything in it. It's part of my martial art's training.(4)"

 Hmm... how? That would take a lot of space, even if it were... lead, or something.

    "Excuse me, but weren't you fighting that monster with that on your
back? Was'nt it kind of cumbersome?" Haruka asked politely, respect clearly
in her eyes.

 Was'nt -- Wasn't

    "Not really." Ranma said, chuckling. "I hadta swim to China with this
on my back. It kinda made it feel a little lighter."

 hadta -- had ta (?)

    "Swim... To China?" Haruka asked, her breath a bit shallow. To think
that this young man, younger than her and without any magical enhancements,
could swim to China was by itself an amazing feat. But to do so with that
heavy backpack? She was being forced to constantly reappraise the young
man in front of her.

 Suggest dropping the first 'young'.

    Their's had probably been more exciting, right?

 Their's -- Theirs

    "Well, it's getting close to noon." Ranma said, smiling at the two
girls. "I'm gonna go practice a bit outside, okay?" When the two girls nodded their approval, Ranma walked outside.

 Doesn't seem much to mind that he's imposing on them.

    "Yes, Haruka?" Michiru asked. She was surprised at how tame some of
the months had been in Ranma's life, but put that down to her uncle getting
older and the many travels Ranma had gone to get from site to site. But
other than that, it seemed like nothing out of the ordinary (For Ranma) had
happened.

 For Ranma -- for Ranma

    "I think I know what you mean by his story sounding fantastical and
like a huge lie." Haruka said. "But after what he did to that daimon at the
train station, which would have destroyed any one of the Senshi in a one on one fight by the way, I'm inclined to believe him."

 Commage.

    "Harder to believe?" Haruka asked. She was now progressing from pity
to outright shock that Ranma was a socially functioning person. "What do
you mean, harder to believe?"

 Socially? What about _physically_? :p

    "What?" Haruka tracked Michiru's eyes, and was shocked by what she
saw. Ranma was in their backyard, practicing his kata while blindfolded.
While an impressive feat in and of itself, the real amazing part was that
an aura of bright red flowed around him like flames, bathing the yard in
a soft red light. He didn't appear to be aware of this aura as he went
through the form, biting his lip as he concentrated on performing the kata
perfectly. "How is he doing that?"

 Kata while blindfolded is no challenge, if you have simple coordination. Awareness of ones own body, etc. Juggling, dealing with things that _aren't_ part of your body are difficult when you can't see.

    "Why would I need a uniform?" Ranma asked, feigning confusion. He did
so badly, even HE could tell that, but he wasn't about to just roll over and
go to school. Why waste time sleep- er, LEARNING, when he could be doing
katas and practicing the Art.

 Shouldn't that last line be a question?

    "Ranma, you have to go to school." Michiru said. "Unless you want to
be a ronin all your life. You have to have a college degree in Physical
Fitness to be able to teach martial arts legally."

 ...  I guess Ranma would believe that... though I would have expected Genma to have told him better.

    "Shopping?" Ranma deadpanned, thinking back to the girl he'd gone out
with a few times when he was fifteen. Shopping was bad. It meant many hours
at the mall, gazing into different windows, and listening to mindless chatter about absolutely NOTHING and doing absolutely NOTHING(5). "Oh, goody. Shopping."

 Girl? When he was fifteen?

 I'm guessing that this means that Ranma is 'The Senpai'.

(4) Hey, he's no Ryouga when it comes to strength, but in later episodes
of Ranma Nibunnoichi he picks up Ryouga's umbrella when he finds the lost boy in pig form, and Akane has trouble lifting it with both hands. I figure he can lift this easy.

 That doesn't really need to be proven. You can simply leave it without explanation -- I feel it works fine.

(5) This is Ranma. If it doesn't concern martial arts or food, it's nothing.

 He could be a girl while it happens.

A few notes on this chapter and the story in general: Ranma is okay with Haruka and Michiru not because he understands what Lesbianism is, but because he DOESN'T understand. In canon, Ranma's general
philosophy on things he doesn't understand is generally 'If it don't hurt anybody, it's not bad'. Also, this is his cousin, someone he trusts and generally likes, kinda like the relationship he has with Ukyou, so he's okay with it anyway as long as it makes her happy. You'll also notice I've made reference to a girlfriend. Ranma is not scared of girls. He's scared of
hypersensetive tomboys who belt him into the stratosphere for putting his
foot in his mouth. He's scared of homicidal Chinese amazons. He's scared of
insane obsessed 'eccentrics'. Of all his fiances, Ranma has no fear around
Ukyou, and ONLY Ukyou! Personally, I have no favourite, just to keep the
facts straight, except for possibly Akane, in some cases. But Ranma is ONLY
totally relaxed with Ukyou. Also, he chases girls. Evidence in the first OVA
when he goes to extraordinary effort to get Shampoo back. Note that the
Ranma in the OVAs is generally more of a sexist jerk than is portrayed in
canon, however.

 No... OAV Ranma is canon. Just not _manga_ canon. :p

    Ranma was in a thinly disguised part of hell.

 The lighting set him off.

    This part consisted mainly of a collection of shops in the clothing
district of the mall, all offering various clothing designed for young men
and women.

 They could be shopping for his cursed form. I'm sure he'd _love_ that... or is he not cursed?

    Michiru, however, was making him try them on anyways. She insisted
(as did many of the other females in the store) that he looked good in the
clothes, but he felt strange in them. Eventually, he agreed on three pairs
of jeans and six various colored t-shirts that nearly form-fit his chest.

 Ranma: So, this is the uniform, huh?

    "After we eat lunch, we can get you some NICE clothes." Michiru said
to Ranma, the grin never leaving her face. To say that the changes on Ranma's face amused her would be an understatement. She watched as he went
from shock, to denial with a smile on her face.

 Commage.

    "Ranma, I'll even get you one of those chinese shirts you like so
much. I saw one that would suit you perfectly." Michiru said. Michiru had
seen the shirt in the window of a clothing shop on the way to Mugen once.
It would be easy to purchase on the way home from the mall.

 Oh, missed this one earlier.

 chinese -- Chinese

    "Sure." Ranma said, his shoulders sagging in defeat for the second
time that day. He realised that arguing Michiru was about as pointless as
arguing with a rock. No matter what he said, she'd wait then win.

 Commage.

    School.

 Still... they could give Ranma _one_ day to get settled.

 Trying to push him towards something he doesn't want _that_ hard could make him leave... At least if he were to stay

    "Ranma, you have an important decision to make." Michiru said. "I'm
pretty sure I could get you into Mugen with Haruka and I, since I know you
could pass the admissions exam easily enough. However you might want to go
to Juuban High with some friends of ours instead."

 Ranma: Oh, yeah, I'd _much_ rather spend my entire day with your friends than, you know, _you_.

    "What're the two schools like?" Ranma asked, curious.

 Haruka: Two schools, both alike in dignity...

 Sorry. :p

    "Hmmm, that sounds like a good school. What's the uniform like?"
Ranma asked. He hoped it wasn't something stupid looking.

 He thinks that makes it a good school? I'd think he'd need more information to make that judgement. Or maybe he's just saying that to get it over with...

    "I don't like taking the easy way!" Ranma said, his voice a bit angry. "I'll go to Mugen, and I'll be the top student in my class, too!"
Ranma was angry for a second before he realised that he'd been cornered.
He'd now have to do extra homework and pay attention in class, if he wanted to pass. He realised that the hereditary Saotome Foot in Mouth disease had again kicked in, leaving him in a difficult position.

 Open mouth. Insert foot. Suck 'till hip.

    They shared a laugh together as Ranma lifted his head and gave them
a defeated glare.

 Michiru: Because I _love_ blackmailing my relatives after they've lost someone close to them. Try it! It's fun!

    Ranma Saotome, heir to the Saotome School of Anything Goes, and the
current prime example of a Saotome man, ate his meal at a normal pace, AND
at the same time neglected to steal a single MORSEL of food from any of the nearby plates.(4)

 He's probably fast enough that he could snag a bite or two without anyone noticing... ;)

    The Saotome Stomache growled in rage at having it's offering only
half delivered, and swore revenge on the being that caused it to, for the
first time since the moment it was born, leave the place of it's master's
meal unfilled.

 it's -- its

    Usagi Tsukino was awoken abruptly by the impact of a chalkboard eraser glancing off her head. She coughed through the dust, already knowing what
was about to come.

 Those things can hurt, you know.

 Uh.

 Or so I hear.

 *Looks innocent. Kinda.*

    "Tsukino-san, is the class boring you?" Her teacher asked, an evil
look which rivaled Beryl's in her eyes. She had her arms crossed, and one
foot was tapping the floor impatiently while she awaited an answer.

 Usagi: Um... yes?

    The rest of the class was already continuing the work, Usagi's fate
sealed with a snore. Not like it was an unusual occurance anyways. Most
were just surprised she'd held on untill fifth period today.

 The work? What work? Needs clarification. :p

    "Umm, yes?" Usagi said. While she knew that no matter what she said,
she would be sent into the hall, saying yes meant that instead of having a
big lecture, it just meant the teacher would sigh and hold her head like
she head a headache.

 ...

    Sitting in the hallway, looking around and ignoring the sign around
her neck totally, Usagi began to daydream about the exciting things she and
Mamo-chan would be doing that weekend.

 Again.

 ...

    Ranma was currently standing on a slightly upraised platform, with
his arms stretched out to his sides in his boxers and an undershirt, while a giggling young woman took measurements. Thanks to Ranma's training, he was broader in the chest than most students were, and thicker in the legs. That meant he needed to get a uniform custom made, which wouldn't be delivered for a week.

 Ranma: Too bad! Gotta stay home!

    Besides, the entertainment value wasn't to be passed up. Ranma's face
was varying from only pink to a bright red. One suggestion by one of the
girls making catcalls had made Ranma's pigtail stand on end for a moment.(6)

 Hmm... Michiru certainly has little regaurd for Ranma's feelings. She seems to enjoy mocking him.

    And he was paying for it. He'd never been so embarrassed in his life,
and he was fairly sure that he never would be. An ill-fitting uniform would
have been preferable to this.

 Or cold water.

(1) Ranma hates uniforms, and would wear one only if he had to. The reason
he gets away with wearing his Chinese clothes to school in canon is probably because of his hydrotransexuality, not because the school admins are afraid of him. While, not through any actions he's taken towards them.

 Hmm... older boys are allowed to get away with more, but this is a question best directed to... Mr. Noakes, if he's about.

(2) This is Ranma. He's about as sharp as a rubber ball when it comes to
hiding and expressing emotions and when it comes to lying.

 Well. Keep his poker face in mind.

(5) Actually, there is one. Having someone like Ami hounding you to study
and studying with you might do it, even if you were as lazy as a sloth.

 This could all be folded into the fic without the need to footnotes -- which are quite combersome when you send several chapters bundled together like this.

(6) This particular suggestion would have had Shampoo blushing, and Ryouga
would likely have died from blood loss. And no, I won't tell you what it
was, you naughty naughty person.

 Meanie.

    "Um, excuse me." Ranma said, walking up to the front of the class.
The woman, who was in her late twenties, looked up at Ranma, a slightly
annoyed look on her face.

 Repetition of 'look'.

    "Can I help you Saotome-san?" She asked angrily, inwardly shaking
her head. Why couldn't these stupid children just leave her alone and finish
their exams? She'd already dealt with no less than five students leaving the exam because it was too hard. After the fifth, she'd told the students
to just leave if they wanted to give up.

 Keitaro: Uaaaaagh!

 Naru: Shut up! This isn't even the right school!

 Keitaro: UAAAAAGH!

    "The computer said ta report to you." Ranma repeated. What the heck?
Is she deaf or something? I'm pretty sure I said it loud enough for her to
hear, Ranma thought.

 Is -- Was

    The man was tall and broad shouldered, with short black hair which
looked like it had been washed very recently. He had on a tight school shirt
and shorts, and carried a clipboard with him.

 with and which in proximity look a tad confusing. Replace 'which' with 'that'?

    "Get on one of the treadmills, and run untill ya feel tired, kid."
The burly teacher said, gesturing to one of the treadmills which lined the
wall. He watched as Ranma got onto the treadmill, and began to fiddle with
the controls. He was about to yell at the kid for making it easier, when the speed visibly increased to almost triple what it had been set for.

 Ranma: ... That's gonna take days.

    "This part of the test's over. You got 100% for this part." The teacher said, gesturing for him to get off the treadmill. Ranma did so,
without any of the usual shows of grace he normally would have performed,
had there been anybody around. "Next, get on that bar and start doing
chinups untill you can't do anymore or I tell you to stop."

 Hmm....

    "This test requires you to continue to press the lighted buttons untill you miss one, or you get to the end of the test." The teacher knew that not  even this young man would be fast enough to do the latter. The last two lights were at opposite ends, lasting half a second each and occuring within half a second of each other. "If you accidentally press one of the unlit buttons, the test ends."

 untill -- until

 Hmm... actually, _I_ can do that one.

    "Seventh in Kempo, sixth in Karate and Wushu." Ranma said. "And even now I'm the Grand Master of my family's school, so I have a lot of training.
It's not like I've been slacking over the years."

 Wu shu, as I recall, is simply... Chinese martial arts. Meaning, it applies to all of them. Perhaps a specific martial art from China?

 I can't name any off of the top of my head, unfortunately, but if you need just a random martial art... why not try one of these (Thanks to Al-Eyx for originaly posting this):

"*Juudou (Way of Gentleness)
*Karatedou (Way of th Empty Hand)
*Kendou (Way of the Sword)
*Kyuudou (Way of the Bow --The weapon, not the gesture,
even Ranma would be hard-pressed to find a martial art
based on _that_ ^_^;)
*Aikidou (Way of the Harmony with the Universal Energy)

...And some Ko-bujutsu, the old Warrior Arts of Medieval
Japan:


*Sojutsu (Art of the Spear)
*Iaijutsu (Art of Sword drawing --the speciality of the
Hitokiri Battousai, Himura Kenshin)
*Bajutsu (Art of Horse Riding)
*Yabusame (Horse-riding archery)
*Suieijutsu (Art of swimming)
*Tessenjutsu (Art of the War Fan)
*Joujutsu / Boujutsu (Art of the Stick)
*Kurasijutsu (Art of the sicle and chain --I'm translating
from a French book here, anyone know the name of that
weapon?)

*Ninjutsu (Art of the Ninja  --speaking of which, Jason
Wong, can we expect ch. 8 soon?  That story of yours is
just too too great ^_^)

I don't really have any description for the following
ones; though some (not much, but some) are quite obvious by
name, and others can be guessed with any Japanese/english
dic...

*Shagei
*Kusarigamajutsu
*Yarijutsu
*Gagitajutsu
*Sodegaramijutsu
*Sasumatajutsu
*Sobajutsu
*Tojutsu
*Tantojutsu
*Jobajutsu
*Suibajutsu
*Kachu gozen oyogi
*Tetsubojutsu
*Juttejutsu
*Manrekijutsu
*Chigirigijutsu
*Gegikanjutsu
*Toiri-no-jutsu
*Shinobijutsu
*Chikairi-no-jutsu
*Shurikenjutsu
*Yubijutsu
*Koppo
*Fukihari
*Suijohokujutsu
*Chikarakurabe
*Chogusoku
*Genkotsu
*Gusoku
*Hakushi
*Kempou
*Kiaijutsu
*Kogusoku
*Koshi-no-wamari
*Kumiuchi
*Roikumiuchi
*Shikaku
*Shinobi
*Shubaku
*Sumai
*Taidou
*Torite
*Wajutsu
*Yawara"

    Rei was trying to throttle the annoying blonde she'd devoted her life
to, while at the same time trying to retrieve her manga without damaging it
and at the same time damaging said blonde.

 Repetition of 'same time'.

    Rei walked over to the door, making a last swipe at Usagi, which
connected, and opened it.

 Enter: The Sempai?

    Ranma's eyes shrank to pin points as he recognized the three voices
and he began to panic. Three thoughts ran through his mind in the space of
a second.

 I could be right!

    'The kami are having some REAL fun with my life, aren't they?' This
thought was thrown at the god or goddess who was supposed to watch over
him, as he realised that once again, the three fates had come together and
played another game of 'Let's Screw over Ranma'.

 Must be taking a break from messing up my life. :p

    Somewhere in Asgard, Urd smiled as she watched her charge in his
latest mess, which she had not, for once, caused in any way. Skuld shook
her head in pity for the poor mortal boy, while Belldandy clucked her tongue and made a vain attempt to lessen the effects of fate on him.

 Repetition of 'while'.

 Is this an important plot element?

    In Nifleheim, Mara typed furiously on her laptop, tracing the source
of Urd's amusement, and then broke out into laughter as she saw another way
to try to mess up the Goddess. She immediately began her work.

 Or this?

    Nearby, Toltiir smiled as his primary source of amusement was once
again screwed over in an almost methodical manner, and his most recent
contributer to a private bet shook her silver hair from the helm it was
contained in. Lenneth began to wait and listen for his soul to be readied for the transition to being an Einherjar.

 ...

 Or this?

    "You know him!?" Hearing this question in stereo caused Ranma no end
of trouble. He realised that he had to smooth things over as quickly as
possible, but had neither the time nor the ability to do so. He also began
to realise that no matter how things turned out, someone was about to give
him a serious ass kicking he couldn't stop due to the fact these were girls
doing the ass kicking.

 Surround sound? ;)

    "Saotome Ranma, did you break your promise to me?" Makoto asked quite
a bit angrily, her hands on her hips and a red battle aura, which he could
feel was composed almost entirely of jealousy, sprang around her.

 I demand a cookie as tribute for guessing that from chapter one.

    "Ranma, you DATED two of my best friends!? How could you!" Minako
looked betrayed and a bit confused as well, but he had learned not to mistake that for being dull or anything. She was sharper than him.

 Waaaaaiit... How does she know that? All she _really_ knows is that they know/knew each other.

    "I guess I'd better explain, huh?" Ranma asked, his voice sheepish
and a bit apoligetic. He glanced over at his cousin, who merely smiled a
smile that promised this would be discussed in great deal later.

 Very little respect for Ranma is evident here.

    Seven nods caused him to take a seat opposite the couch Minako, Ami,
and Makoto had been sitting on. The blonde and priestess joined them on the
couch, interest clearly in their eyes.

 Blonde... Minako, or Usagi? I'm assuming the ones who _haven't dated Ranma, so Usagi? Could make it clearer.

    "Well, first off, for the two of you who don't know me, I'm a martial
artist from Japan. Don't ask me where I was born, I haven't talked to my
mom in ten years and my Pops died before I could ask him. I've been all
around the world refining my skills, and I'm the best fighter, bar none,
of my generation. I'm fairly sure there's NOTHING I can't beat in a fight.
Anybody who knows me'll tell you that." Ranma paused a moment while the two
he didn't know took this in. "The first time I met Minako was in England. It was only for a few minutes at school, when I was introduced and she
said hi and stuff. Next time I saw her was when she was getting mugged by some guys. She was reaching into her purse for pepper spray or something,
and I jumped in and knocked all of 'em unconscious before they knew what
hit 'em."

 Saffron: Think so? Let's go, boy.

    "What happened next?" Makoto asked, shooting a curious glance to her
old boyfriend. He was growing nervous under the speculation, but despite
this continued with his story.

 Commage.

    "I was thirteen, I think." Ranma said. "It was three years ago. But
after she offered, we went to some cafe and ate lunch. We talked for a few
hours in the park afterwards, untill my Pops ambushed me and started to
attack me. After maybe ten minutes of fighting, I sent him through a wall
and he passed out. We talked for a few more hours, and then I had to leave,
since my old man said I had to train with some old friend of his. We went
out a few other times, but then I had to leave for India to study under some old guy in an Indian martial art."

 Interesting... Somewhat stilted there. Three years ago, and he _thinks_ he was thirteen? Should remember more clearly...

    "When did you meet Ami?" The blonde asked, looking between Ranma and
the girl. Ranma was acutely aware of how interested she was in the entire
event, and that she was reserving judgement on which side she was rooting
for untill later.

 Untill -- untill

 Note that I'm spelling by eye, and my spelling sucks. I may have missed other spellings or instances of this one. I heartilly recomend a spell-checker -- without one, my own fics would be totaly illegible.

    "I met Ami when I turned fourteen. Pops and me were in South America
for some training grounds in Brazil, and I met her while she and her mom
were on vacation. We spent a lot of time together, since I was the only one
there who could speak Japanese, and she was a lot more comfortable speaking
it over English. After we went out for some walks and stuff for a while, my
old man decided to move on after we trained in the training grounds for a
few days." Ranma frowned. "Baka old man. I got a curse there."

 The 'baka' feels awkward in this context. 'Baka oyaji' or 'Stupid old man' work. Hm. Could just be me.

 Feel free to ignore me!

    "A Nexus, according to the guy at the training grounds, is a focal
point of reality which much of Reality relies on during some periods of
time, like a demon invasion or a war of the kami. Something that'd cause more damage to Reality than it normally takes. What that means is if the kami or whatever are unable to continue maintaining Reality, for a while
I keep Reality anchored to existence." Ranma smirked at the girls, who
were all now white as sheets. "The downside to all of this is that demons,
kami, and everything else of magical nature is naturally attracted to me,
and I'm attracted to things of a magical nature."(6)

 And the other shoe drops... When?

(1) What can I say? After training under his father, and having little
interaction with normal people, Ranma would get impatient with people who
pontificate. I think this is why Kuno annoys him so much.

 Or it could just be that underneath the big words, Kuno's a moron.

(2) This is Ranma. The same guy who swam to China, fought on a level close
to Cologne, and regularly walks to school balanced on the top of a chain link fince. A physical for normal people is supposed to phase him?

 Again, could be folded into the fic very easily.

(4) Every girl, with the exception of Ami, is boy hungry. And even Ami would want to meet someone who could impress Haruka.

 Every girl, or every girl in this story? Because I've noticed a distinct lack of boy-hungry girl-types in my area... ;)

A few notes on this chapter and the next:
Next chapter will be a flashback to the five or so months Ranma and Makoto
were with each other. It will consume the entire chapter, so I won't be
using my normal stuff for seperating flashback sequences. Chapter 5 will
resume as normal. Anybody wondering why Ranma dated so much? The truth is,
he really didn't see it as dating, per se. It was more of being friends with
the people first, then slowly realising they were more than friends, not the
actual process of going out with the girls to get to know them AS potential
girlfriends. Hey, stop laughing! Worked for me. 'Sides, that's how he works
in the Anime and Manga. Offhand I can only recall two dates he EVER went on,
and both consisted of him being bribed/bullied/coerced into doing so, not
him going out and doing so himself...

 Tsubasa? He _wanted_ that date.

 Wanted to show the 'lesbian' the 'true path', or some such...

 Until he noticed that Tsubasa was a guy.

    "When I first arrived in Kyoto, pops and me went to a dojo owned by
an old friend of his. He enrolled me in the advanced class before he took off to take care of some other obligations, so I could learn some of the more advanced techniques of his friend's family style, which he'd agreed to teach me instead of the Shotokan Karate he taught to the self-defence class. When I got there, the blackbelt's class was just getting started in their sparring, and Makoto challenged me, thinking I was one of the students there..."

 Shotokan. Self-defense.

 Technically, yes. But I believe that Shotokan is one of the most offensive variants on hand-to-hand combat (outside some Shokai variants) known.

 Bah, ignore me. :p

    Ranma looked over the girl in front of him, casually evaluating her
skills based on her body language and her aura. What he found was a decent
fighter, though nowhere near his level. He judged her to be a second dan
in this style, though her body language told him she could use a few others
as well. (1)

 ACK. Second dan? That's advanced for a teenager.

    "My name is Saotome Ranma of the Saotome School of Anything Goes, and
I want to know who I'm about to beat." Ranma said, falling quickly into a
defensive stance and waiting for her to attack.

 I like that line.

    Ranma continued to dodge her attacks, sending easily avoidable attacks
her way to keep her attention on her defense as well as her offence. She was
a decent fighter, for someone of her age. Nowhere near his level, but a
decent fighter. He hadn't trained nine years in THE most punishing training
regimen known to mankind for nothing.

 Herb: Hmm?

    After dodging an extremely fast flurry of punches, Ranma decided to
end the fight. Smashing through her defences with a single open hand strike
to her stomache, Ranma sent her halfway across the dojo, where she landed
on her feet, winded but otherwise alright. (2)

 stomache -- stomach

 Hm... Open hand... palm-strike? That's one of the most damaging power-blows I know.

 I would think that particular attack would be better suited to a shoulder, which would spin her around and put him in a position to follow-up with a pin, as well as damaging her less. Palm-strikes to the stomach can be quite damaging.

    "Saotome-san, is that you?" A man's voice asked from behind. Turning
and smiling at the old man, Ranma nodded after performing a bow of respect.

 What old man? Little more description, even if it is just of the cliched old man with white hair, beard moustache, etc.

    The error came when a punch was extended a mere millimeter too far.
The wrist connected to the hand was grabbed, and Ranma was hurled across the
dojo, where he hit the wall with a dull thud, a spiderweb of cracks spreading from the point he hit the solid concrete.

 Traditional dojo? Concrete wall? Hmm....

(3) Ranma's old enough to comprehend what's going on now. Makoto and he
are nearly as close as he was with Ukyo, but this time Ranma's old enough
to know this is gonna be bad.

 One more time...

 Could be folded into the fic.

(4) See canon anytime Akane is seriously threatened. Look what happened to
Saffron, for examples. Serious overkill there, and Ranma wasn't like he is in normal fights. No continuous insults. Just methodical slaughter. I mean
it's one thing to beat someone in a fight. Ripping the idiot stupid enough
to piss him off limb from limb is another thing entirely.

 I'm not certain that it was overkill. Ranma regretted killing Saffron, didn't he?

(5) Likely, Genma was well on his way to making Ranma a social reject by
this point even if it is moderated by Makoto's presence. Crying and most
emotions have been shown to be unmanly in Nodoka's, and therefor in Genma's,
eyes.

 Hmm...

Ah, thank kami-sama that's outta the way. This chapter was hard to write,
and I got writers block in several places. This delves into some of the
reasons Makoto is so hung up on her old boyfriend. I know this is an almost
typical pairing in SM-Ranma crossovers, since EVERYBODY and their dog seems
to equate Ranma as her old boyfriend, since he does, despite his lack of
redeeming characteristics, inspire an almost mindless loyalty from the
girls he meets. But I promise this won't last. I'm not going for the boring
and easily predictable path here.

 Honestly?

 First time I've seen Ranma as The Sempai. But then, I probably don't catch ever Ranma/SM Fanfic out there.

    He was in luck. He skidded to a stop outside one of the local dojos.
This one was an older one run by an old friend of his father's, the Tendos(2). He had called them ahead of time, promising to tell them what had occured in China.

 The other shoe.

    He was kind of worried, though. Tendo Soun, whom he had talked to on
the phone, had been happy to hear from Ranma. Too happy for his liking. It
was as if his father had been planning on visiting there anyways. Ranma didn't know if this was a good thing or a bad thing, but he thought it would
end up a bad thing.

 And so he walks into the trap.

    "Challenge!" Ranma yelled, then patiently waited while the rain's
intensity increased. After maybe half a minute of waiting, an older man in
a dark green gi, with long black hair and a trimmed mustache, answered the
door, his face serious. He guessed it was Tendo Soun, the owner.

 Oh, well _that's_ a doomed relationship. It's almost like he's trying to make a bad impression. ;)

 As a side-note, however, Juuban is some distance from Nerima. Train? Bus? Rooftops?

    "You wish to challenge the Tendo School of Anything Goes, young man?"
The man asked in a fatherly manner, his tone firm but at the same time very
rebuking. He obviously didn't consider Ranma a challenge.

 Repetition of 'man'.

 I'm afraid I'm going to have to cut the rest of this C&C short... all-in-all, however, this is an interesting fic, and there seemed to be less errors as it progressed. My only suggestion (and it's one I badly need to follow!) is trying not to send too much at once. Cuts down on your chances of getting C&C. :p

 I know this _all_ _too_ _well_. ;)