Hi,
Only a couple of minor comments##

--- Arthur Hansen <arthurh@utah-inter.net> wrote:

----- Original Message -----
From: "allyn yonge" <ayonge@yahoo.com>
To: "Arthur Hansen" <arthurh@utah-inter.net>;
<ffml@anifics.com>
Sent: Wednesday, August 01, 2001 6:57 PM
Subject: C&C [Ranma] [alt] Birthright

<SNIP>
<SNIP>

@@Too predictable, especially when you're

introducing

Ryouga in the same order and in a very similar

manner

as the original.
Several areas which lack conflict or detail:

It's about the same time and nothing has happened to
Ryoga to change him, so
why wouldn't he show up and act the same way? The
only difference is Akane
and the people she's starting to meet.

##IMO this is the critical point.
You've used over 2,000 words most of
which seems to be an almost carbon copy
of Takahashi-sama. The difference is that
the fight scene between Ranma/Ryouga isn't
nearly as exciting and the Akane/Ryouga fight
scene isn't much if any better. 

I've seen this before. Frankly I'd much rather read
your words rather than a repeat of the original.

IF, as author, you feel that Ryouga must be
introduced in just this way at this time . . .
well and good. My single objection is that
IMO ONLY, this particular scene is so
repetitive and dull that it hurts the overall story.

IMO, cut one of the two fight scenes (either
Ranma/Ryouga or Akane/Ryouga) and delete
ALL of the dialogue/scene copied from the
manga/anime. The getting lost at the first meeting
and especially the entire "bread fight". 

I'd much rather see what you can come up with
than read a repeat. At the very least trim this
section by
about 1,000 words.  

Having said that, I'll reverse myself a little. This
is ONLY my opinion, for what it's worth. 
Other readers my love this section. (It's very well
written
and the fight scenes in and of themselves are pretty
good.
I only feel that beating up on Ryouga twice and so
easily
is overkill)
Most importantly, if you the author like it this way,
don't 
change a thing. 



 

1)You haven't given the reader enough insight into

WHY

Akane is so different in this universe. I like the
hints you've given with her mantra, the attention

to

her mothers shrine, etc. However I'd like more

detail

on her state of mind (since that seems to be the

key

to her new character/abilities)

Hopefully next chapter will do that.

##^_^ Still, when you're doing an [ALT]
(alternate history) IMO you should give the
reader at least a little set-up in the very beginning
to get them in the mood. One of the problems with
writing fanfiction is dealing with established 
characters and situation. People expect one thing
and the author gives them another. This is what
fanfiction is all about, but it helps to prepare
the reader a little before hand. However, what
I think is too little preparation other readers
may think is too much. 

2)You're not taking advantage of possibilities.
Ranma/Akane are getting along too well. You've had
flashes of conflict (I like Ranma's determination

to

keep the "secrets" of "his" art. BUILD on that.

There is a conflict, but there's also change as
Ranma is becoming a slightly
different person (this Akane is too.)

##At this point I'm really more interested
in Nabiki. She's the most interesting of the
lot. Everyone else is just too darn nice.
(Although I did like the occasional flashes of 
anger from Ranma. And Akane's meditation
trances preparing for the fight were nice too.
Just not enough of that. ^_*)

<SNIP>

Ranma was most definitely in charge of this fight in
the manga. Ranma not
holding back would probably be able to do this well
against Ryoga when they
first met. Also, Ranma is not static, so his skills
have also been
increasing at a faster pace than the canon manga
issues (Akane is keeping up
or just ahead of him.)

##I don't have any argument with that.
The Airforce has a term:t
"Clubbing baby seals" for an easy kill.
Clubbing baby seals isn't very exciting
literature, and that's what the Ranma-Akane/Ryouga
fight seemed like to me.  That's why I maintain
that if you're going to have this fight
as it stands, you only need to club the baby 
seal once.   Either that or you need to give 
the baby seal a gun. ^_*


<SNIP>

@@Ummm . . .doesn't "seem" terribly fast. After

all,

she's just met him. OTOH this would be a nice

setup

for "hubris". Akane underestimates Ryouga's speed.

Ryoga isn't terribly fast by Ranma standards.

##Perhaps not. OTOH, the original fight
was MUCH more in doubt. 
I like to watch
Bruce Lee vs. The Black Dragon Ninja
NOT
Bruce Lee vs. Don Knotts.
^_^



<SNIP>

I can't see justifying moving Ryoga's appearance
around. He doesn't start to
change until he meets Ranma and Akane.

##Ummm . . .Why not?
I'm not saying he should or shouldn't. 
And, characters have a habit of showing up
when and where they want to (at least in my stories)
If this is the way it happens, this is the way it
happens.
OTOH, you can trim this section by quite a lot w/o
losing anything since it's not much changed from
canon. Show/tell only the new stuff.

<SNIP>

<SNIP>

Akane didn't say anything for a long moment. "I
understand
perfectly. For that comment alone, I challenge

you."

@@Nice again. IMO needs a stronger Ryouga for a
stronger set up. (the familiar Ryouga wouldn't say
this to a girl, IMO)

I'm not sure. Would Ryoga take very well to being
insulted and punched in
the jaw by anyone?

##Well, in the manga, when Ukyou interferes
Ryouga is stopped from bashing her when
Ranma shows off Ukyou's chest (Ryouga had thought
she was a boy). Certainly it's possible that
Ryouga would hit a girl. However one problem
you're facing is that canon Ryouga would never
hit Akane and you haven't (IMO ONLY)
made sufficient changes to move me into
this new reality. It's a big jolt since
very little seems changed. Again, another
reason to change the "bread fight" etc. This
only reinforces how much everything is the
same and hinders seeing Ryouga (or anyone else)
in a new light.  IMO changing  Ryouga's
entrance and subsequent actions 
would take the reader out of the original story 
making Ryouga's new actions more easily accepted. 

<SNIP>

"Much less? You have a pretty high opinion of
yourself."
Ryoga cracked his knuckles.

@@Ummm . . .OK,  we're drowning in a sea of
testosterone here. (Sheeesh, I think someone needs

to

check Akane-chan (or is that Akane-kun) for an

extra

Y-chromosome)
You might want to find something for them to crack
besides their knuckles. ^_^

I'm not sure what to use instead of cracking
knuckles. And yes, they do seem
to be drowning in a sea of testosterone, don't they?
;)

## "Spat derisively", "Snarled", "rumbled like an
angry bull"

Just a few things they could do besides crack
knuckles. One is ok, but
that seems to be the only thing they do. ^_*
<SNIP>
<SNIP>

@@Akane as Soun . . .now THAT'S a scary thought.

^_^

RANMA: *Geee . . .I never noticed how cute those

lil'

fangs are, before."
@@RYOUGA: "Quit staring, you're creeping me out."

??? This lost me.

##If Alkane is going to grow up to be like
Soun, then all of a sudden Ryouga starts
to look good. ^_*

<SNIP>

##A good story overall,
but I think that the
Ranma-Akane/Ryouga double
fight = clubbing baby seals.
and it was much too similar
to canon. 
Again, that's only my opinion
which is worth exactly nothing.
^_*
Write the story you want, the way
you want.

^_^ 


=====
"When I get a little money, I buy books;
 And, if any is left, I buy food and clothes."-Erasmus

"A man is a small thing, and the night is large 
and full of wonders." -Lord Dunsany

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