Ginrai wrote:

Now up to C&C'ing the revision.

 You have no idea how worried I was that this was just completely overlooked.

Ranko: They were naked in most of them and didn't seem to notice that
Mommy was taking the picture.  Mommy said it was all part of a game
they played.

 Heh.

   The picture looked like he wasn't on a field of snow at all. It was
like he was floating in a field of white, and couldn't see the world
around him. Mom seemed to get sad just looking at it. I didn't know what
it was. I asked Mom who the boy in the picture was, wearing the funny
old-fashioned Chinese clothing.

Nabiki: He... was the greatest source of money ever!

(Nabiki breaks down and cries)

 Ranko: And who was the boy with the sword? Why did you marry Daddy if he's just a poor doctor?

 Nabiki: ...

   Which is silly. My name isn't Ranma.

Of course not.  It's Pigtailed Goddess ^_^

 ...

   I managed to sneak into Mommy's room while Mommy was away, and

'room while she was away' (?)

 Speaking from the voice of a younger child... Grammaticaly, it's clumsy. I feel it works.

   That was funny, but I'd never seen Auntie Ukyou carry that big metal
spatula around, she normally just used smaller ones. There weren't any
pictures of Daddy until the very end, which made me wonder. Then there

Nice to see this take into account Tofu's absence in the later volumes.

 Thanks. It just occured to me that it was one of many possibilities, so...

'There' - I think

 You are correct, Sir!

 Will adjust.

her name is Akane. There's more pictures, too... there's a girl who
looks kind of like Uncle Ranma only with red hair... I think she's
shorter, but there aren't any pictures of her and Uncle Ranma together.

Ranko: I think they used to go out but then broke up.  So sad...

 Ginrai, you have one of the most wicked sense of humor outside of the military.

'at least I got'

 Whoops. :p

 Will adjust.

   I really want to know, I mean, if he's dead, then I won't worry,
but... I asked Shinta's parents about Uncle Ranma, because I wanted to

Ranko: I heard Shinta used to be called Shinji.  But then his mom
started to cry about that being a loser's name...

 From 'faith' to 'new hope'. Still fitting, and I _thought_ I could lose what Anno had done to a perfectly good name...

   After that, we figured we should probably give them some space, and
ask Mom and Dad if _they_ knew anything.

Ranko and Shinta decided to ask?

 See below. :p

   Mom looked confused, and Dad actually tore himself from his research
-- something about healing frostbite -- to look at me. Something in his

So Tofu's been spending most of his time trying to help find a way to
free Ranma and Akane?

 Yep. And Nabiki, in some senses.

   Actually, that's exactly what's going on.

She's smart enough to realize that's how it is when dealing with kids
^_^

 Ranko's a quick study. Her parents are both geniuses...

   Now I _really_ want to know what's going on. Grandpa Soun would know,

Heh

The more a kid is prevented from knowing something, the more they want
to know it.

 Tried to capture some of that.

   I mean, Shinta? Ew!

Heh

So Ranko realizes that Soun means she'll have to marry Shinta?

 Soun would like to _think_ that.

   Her name is Shampoo, which Mom says used to be a bad joke. Apparently
she's some kind of government figure for the Qinghai Confederacy, and

Don't think the comma is necessary.

 Will adjust.

works with Saffron now. I don't remember hearing anything about her in
the news, but I believed her when she said that she knew Saffron personally.

   Herb's not very friendly, though she was polite to me. I guess she
just doesn't like being outside of the Qinghai Confederacy.

Herb being polite is a step up from the norm ^_^

 Governmental figures must learn to hold their tempers. Especially on foriegn soil.

   ***

   Dad told me what happened to Uncle Ranma tonight. He said that
somehow, Ranma was such a good martial artist that he could make himself

'that, somehow,'

 Will adjust.

   I was kind of confused, till he showed me a picture from another
scrapbook, one of Uncle Ranma and Auntie Akane standing next to each
other at a festival. I guess they were a couple, which makes sense,
since Shampoo, who I thought was Uncle Ranma's girlfriend, wasn't. Dad
said it was more complicated than that, but that he'd explain it some
other time.

Oh, he'll need some time to explain that...

 A touch of meta-humor. :p Forgive me.

   Anyway, Dad explained that Ranma knew a technique to make a kind of
tornado, and that part of it was mastering the Soul of Ice. So he
chilled his soul and got to be some kind of super-martial-artist. Dad
showed me another picture, though it was kind of blurry, of Uncle Ranma
talking with a little boy that looked like Saffron.

I assume this was after the destruction caused by Akane there.

 Yes. Originaly a picture of Ranma and Saffy fighting... then I realized that there were no cameras (probably) there in canon... -_-

   I asked him about that, and Dad explained that after the Fall, the
regions of Gansu and Qinghai were united into a single country, more or
less under Saffron's rule. Apparently, it was Uncle Ranma's doing,
because Saffron used to have to stay in his mountain and help his people
out, but Uncle Ranma managed to fix things so that he could leave.

So Ranma did this before continuing his search for Akane?  Or do you
mean what happened in volume 38?

 Just what happened in volume 38.

   I didn't get that, but I remembered watching one of those cheesy
military vids when I was in grade school, and seeing Saffron gesture,
simply annihilating whatever was thrown at him... There was another clip
of him getting caught in the blast of a patriot missile, and emerging
unscathed. Mad, but unscathed.

Reminded me a bit of 'Dies Irae' though the situations are much
different.

 Well... I wanted to capture the fact that Saffron is a god. What better way than a patriot missile!

 Creeps kids out, too!

   That vid gave me nightmares for a week, and my dad told me that Uncle
Ranma beat him with his bare hands?

Not so cheesy if it gave her nightmares ^_^

 Not really. The neat/clean stuff can be dismissed as special effects, most of the time. That kind of stuff? Well... Maybe just fuzzy memories from when I was a kid.

He probably had to also give Ranko a demonstration of it for her to
believe him.

 Maaaaaaybe...

Was it said before by Ranko that Akane also knew how to do what Ranma
did?

 Akane knows something very similar, but subtly different.

knew, and he showed it to me -- froze a glass of water in the living
room with the heater on.

I remember that it was Tofu who taught Akane part of the Heart of Ice.

 Yep. This places Tofu as a... Minor Arcana, too. Though that's not likely to become apparent until Act Three.

   Now I know why Dad spends all of his time studying hypothermia and
frostbite and things like that... I somehow doubt that it would be
enough, since he said that Uncle Ranma got slashed across the chest with
a scythe, but... something tells me that I am going to see Uncle Ranma
some day anyway.

Ranma's probably good enough to heal fast.

 Hehehehe... you'll see.

   Sixteen years old is about the right time to start thinking about
what kind of college I want to get into... Mom said that the Tendo
holdings are enough that I can go to almost any school I want.

Not surprised that Nabiki got rich ^_^

 After the fall? Me neither. Of course, the schools requiring money, BTW, is an intentional change from the Japan of today.

   The problem is really technical, and honestly, not interesting...
unless you happen to _want_ to study things like this. When you're
chilled, your body processes generally slow down. Your heart will beat
more slowly, and your brain will go into a mode that conserves oxygen as
much as it can. That's why you can hold your breath for up to fifteen
minutes, or even longer, if you're in really cold water.

'longer if you're' - I think

 Could go either way, I think.

   Not that I think anyone should actually _try_ it.

Ranko: My last test subject didn't react so well to it.

 Encino Man: Lemme back in the freezer!

   My physics professor demonstrated this to us in class. Fruit can
ripen a little _after_ it's picked, and green bananas turn yellow, then

'picked, and green...' - Might want to change that to:

'picked.  For example, green bananas turn yellow,'

 Will consider. :p

 I like that bit a lot, though.

   Uncle Ranma and Auntie Saotome are frozen solid, and thus, are
medically dead.

Ouch >_<

Wonder how they'll be able to revive them.

 One must wonder... :)

   Now, it would be a simple enough matter to take a few cells from the
bodies -- Dad disagrees, but I haven't seen where they were frozen, yet
-- and then clone them. But then, it'd be a clone, and he says that that

I guess they're able to do that in the future?

 Not that they _need_ more people, and note that clones have different personalities.

would cause all sorts of trouble. Turns out that Uncle Ranma is Auntie
Ranma, too. I'm not sure how that works, but Grandma Nodoka's husband
demonstrated _his_ curse, so I know it does. But what does this mean for
Ranma and Akane?

Hot lesbian sex on the side ^_^

 ...

 Ginrai! I'm surprised at you!

 That's a given!

   I'm not sure how that would work, though. Dad developed a working way
to rejuvenate frozen skin, but what about their internal organs, and
most importantly, their brains?

Tofu's work does give some hope for the others aspects, though.

 He's not the only person, either, though he's probably the most active person to research such a thing.

   I have a lot of work ahead of me.

Her dad's work will help her a lot, though.

 Ranko: And my mom's money!

   Well, so far so good. All I need now is permission from the New

Sounds like she was able to develop a process to rejuvenate the others
parts.

 Yeah. Maybe. :p

Saffron specifically, but according to the sat-relays I've seen, Uncle
Ranma buried himself underneath a structure of solid ice that masses at
least twenty thousand kilos. There's no way we're going to get to him

This just got tougher...

 Heh. You remember him creating the structure in the first act, ne?

without their cooperation, and since it's pretty far from Qinghai, and
any of it's allies, even trying is just going to piss them off.

Almost sure of this resulting in some sort of tragedy...

 Unless we introduce some sore of Deus ex...

   That threw me off; no one ever told me they weren't married. He must
have been pretty close for Mom and Kasumi to insist that I call him
'uncle', when he hadn't even married Auntie Akane yet.

To do what he did, Ranma had to be extremely close with Akane.

 Enough that their families can make that call justifiably, yes.

   Anyway, the research grant got some 'mysterious' donations from an
'unknown' and 'unnamable' source. I thanked Shinta for that; turns out
that his girlfriend's loaded. Still, boy's got guts to be dating
Tatewaki's daughter, from what Mom's told me about Kuno as a child.

Heh.  So much for the arrangement.  Wonder how the others reacted to
it.

 Not _really_ important. Probably see some glimpses of that in act three, maybe more in four.

   Mom said that I should meet with some of the 'old Nerima Wrecking
Crew' before I go, but I don't know many of them. Whoever 'Ryouga' is, I
haven't seen more than pictures, and the only letter I got from him said
that he felt the dead should be left that way.

Ryouga doesn't seem to have much hope for this.

 Ryouga's just a normal human, with normal human problems. Something like this is a tad beyond his scope.

   Still, I don't like the idea of going without someone that Uncle and
Auntie know. I want them to wake up to familiar faces, if I can help it.

'Auntie know' - 'know' doesn't sound right there.  Maybe change it to
'knew'?

 Either will work, but your sounds better.

   [Spirit: Yin]

Akane

 Not Rouge. :p

   It is cold, and lonely. There is a nearby presence, but it doesn't

Maybe change it to: 'It is cold... and lonely.'

The nearby presence is someone from outside?

 The presence is _all_ of her 'outside' here.

   That's not true. I have a body, but it's dead. I wish I hadn't let go
of him when I was frozen. But it's so cold... and so lonely... and I
want to reach out to him, but I can't.

So Akane's body died while Ranma's is still intact?  Was it because she
let go of him?

 The essense is that since both were 'alive' when they were frozen, their bodies act as prisons. Ranma would have died (and his essense escaped) had much more time passed -- Akane mortally wounded him... however, they're both intact. Just frozen.

   I wish I had a body again... then I could cry. Souls can't shed tears...

   I miss Ranma.

Sad...

 Heh. And here I whine about problems in the physical world. :p

   [Progeny: Yin]

Hmm... who is this?

 This is... Shia Hai.

I guess all of the following until Ranma is from her viewpoint.

 Yeah.

   Mother told me that I can't play with Pei Lin anymore, because her
father is a radical.

Seems like she was slowly became pro-People as she got older.

 She learned as she grew, more or less.

   I don't understand that, because when I asked Ji Shiang, he told me
that a radical was something you did with numbers. He's always playing

Heh

 Had to put _something_ in there to hint at her -- all too breif -- innocence.

   Father took me on a trip with him today when he went to work. He
showed me a big statue that was built a long time ago, just after all of
NR Xinjiang was free from 'China'. The bottom was covered in little tiny
names that I could barely read.

Hmm... I wonder how were they able to secure the land against the
Amazons, Musk and Phoenix...

 Because Saffron doesn't want conquest. Of course, that's not the kind of thing that they would tell the People, if they could help it.

   He told me they were the names of people who died in the Fall. We
learned about that in class last week, so I know what it is, but it
makes me sad. Why did so many people have to die?

Is the Fall the take-over by Saffron or what happened before with
Akane?

 The Fall is a political event -- one that I forgot to explain. -_-

 It should be _mostly_ evident through the story, though.

Guess Syao just wanted her away.

 Well... Yeah. Wanted to get Shia's father alone for... um... filling. Yeah, that's it.

   I just move stuff around his office. I think he likes having me
around, though Syao Sun seems to not like me. I wonder if Mother knows
that Father kisses Syao Sun when I'm not supposed to be able to see.

....

She wasn't supposed to see that.  This probably screws up her view on
life later on.

 It could. :/

Should academy be capitalized here?  I think it was below.

 You are correct again. Will fix.

   Ancestors, I sometimes swear that I can see the bloodstains from
where I found my mother after she discovered Father's affair. Bastard.
Getting away will be nice.

She's got a messed up life...

 Wanted to make her a human character, so you could see where she was coming from. :/

'people' should be capitalized.

 Thanks. :p

You might want to check through this section to see if 'academy' and
'people' were capitalized in the write places.

 write -- right

 Will do. ;)

less personal stuff, so I'll try... But later. Tonight, I have a date!

At least she has some fun.

 Heh. Until you do the math and realize she's going out with someone at least than thirty years older than her.

   Long distance relationships never work, and it's hard enough for a
woman to get ahead in the People Republic. I shouldn't think such
things... I'm sure it's just an oversight that will be corrected soon.

She has a lot of faith in her country...

 She has to. It's nearly _all_ she has.

   I'm going to be posted as an intern next week! The Ministry of
Foreign Affairs. I wonder what they'll have me do.

Unable to think straight and thus can't put obvious joke here...

 ... What's the obvious joke, I ask, filled with trepadition...

   My supervisor is Don Hai. He seems to like me... but I'm not sure
about that. He's married.

She probably has flashbacks of her past.

 Bingo.

   Mrs. Wang dropped in once to check on him, so I guess he won't try
anything... He did say that he wanted me to join the Ministry once I was
done at the Academy. It's not a bad job, and it'll keep me away from
Father. I like the idea.

Yup, she hates him.

 As  evidenced later. :p

   Father passed away last week. The house was reclaimed for the People,
since it's too large for just me, and I have an apartment here anyway.
   Good riddance.

Can't really blame her for hating him.

 Well...

   A request, today. Turns out that someone from Japan wants access to

Is the comma necessary?

 I believe so.

the glorious New Republic of Xinjiang. She claims that her reason is
because she wants to revive the ice-wraith.

'ice-wraith' or 'ice-wraiths'?

 Singular, at that point.

   I had to laugh at that, and showed it to Don Hai before I dismissed

Surprised she's taking it so lightly considering how pro-People she
seems to be.

 She thinks it's a foolish outsider.

   He said that it bore consideration, but he wanted me to recover as
much detail as I could about the situation before responding.

He probably wanted revenge more than anything else.

 Not as much as he simply doesn't think that it's funny... but if you had a potential super-weapon sitting in your backyard, wouldn't you be curious?

   Looks like I'm never going to find a chance to find someone to date.

Not just all work ^_^

 Wanted to flesh her out a bit.

   We removed him, and there was no permanent damage, but the
temperature of the structure dropped substantially. It was only
thirty-two below zero, initially. Now it's holding at about fifty-two.

So Ranma felt the temperature rise and decreased it more?

 Maaaaybe... ;)

   Not too improbable, and an interesting study... but it _reacts_ to
us. Thermals indicate that the core temperature is dropping even more,
but only when we get closer.

This answers my question...

 Could be...

   Miss Tendo's notes indicate that it's the property of Saffron...
apparently some crude weapon.

I guess some time took place between the above two paragraphs.

They'll probably want to take advantage of the fact that something
belonging to Saffron is in their territory.

 If they can. They're on uneasy terms, at best.

   Forgot his name, but we broke up. He says I'm too distracted by my work.

   Well, screw him. The People need devoted servants, not weak willed
self-centered scum like him. I'm half tempted to call him on it, have

I think she's a bit angry at him for breaking up...

 Misdirected anger, yeah. But it's from her PoV.

   It's interesting, though it truly defies explanation... records
indicate that he was able to produce some kind of 'cold' at will, and
apparently produced localized weather disturbances.

Maybe change the second 'produce'?

 Didn't catch that. Will fix.

available. He could even dodge bullets, as could most of the Musk. The
few who couldn't dodge bullets had a nasty habit of not dying from it.

The same could be said of some Amazons...

 Actually... that's true. Will consider revising.

   No wonder that the few bloody, decorated heroes of the Qinghai
Confederacy were so feared... but here we had access to someone who had
defeated them.

Happosai: Remember, if I help you, I'll get access to every lingerie
store in your province.

 Heh... Happi is... well. You'll see.

As it should.  Though nothing of the above described Akane...

 Nope.

   She was executed for Treason against the People. I never realized in
all the time that I called her 'friend', she was a traitor... Wouldn't
want to mourn a traitor's death.

Harsh...

 Just so you can see the definition of her direction of growth more clearly.

   I've gotten approval from the board. We're going to allow Miss Tendo
access, and use her to revive Ranma. He's got too much potential as a
weapon to ignore. Records indicate that Akane was not stable, so we're
going to have to destroy her beyond revival.

_This_ will not go well at all.  Either they didn't learn everything
about Ranma or they really think that they could control him...

 They have advanced conditioning techniques. Just look at Shia Hai! ;)

 Seriously, though, it's not terribly bright of them.

   Control of the subject is... questionable. We know that it can be

If so, killing the girl he loves would not be the best first move.

 I would agree.

   If it's something as simple as training, then it's also possible that
we can train others to be like him. He stopped Akane... I found a vid of

Funny how Akane finally got the respect she wanted as far as martial
arts go...

 Part of the (intentional) irony of the first act. Doesn't realize at _what_ price, until it's too late.

her, actually. She looks distorted when she walks, like Herb and Saffron
do. A reaction from the film, I suppose.

Also a sign of her not having complete control.

 Bingo.

   The odd thing is that in the one vid that we do have of her passing
through a populated area, she seemed oblivious to the damage that her
presence caused. We caught a vid of Ranma, at some point. Happenstance,

A result of the Heart of Ice controlling her and not the other way
around?

 Correct again.

actually; he was passing through the wake of the ice-wraith's passage,
and a news crew that was reporting several days after the event happened
to spot him, walking through.

'spot him walking through.'

 Will adjust.

The news crew probably didn't realize who Ranma was...

 He wasn't as widely known at that point... see Act Three for more info. ;)

   Miss Tendo also told me that her parents were on the vid, following
Ranma. Interesting. I'm curious, and looking forward to meeting her.

I _doubt_ she'd go with their plans...

 Think they'd tell her? :p

The new scenes were nice.  Helped give more of an idea on the area
where Ranko must go so Ranma and Akane can be revived as well as on one
of those from that area who's 'helping' Ranko.

 I'm glad. That one was bugging me, then came all in a rush. Wasn't sure that it worked.

Ranma

 Maaaaybe... ;)

   It's cold, and lonely. I can sense her, nearby... I wish I could
reach her, but I can't. Until she reaches for me, she's not ready.

When she does, he'll then know that she has control?

 In essence.

   I want to let us both pass on, but the key hasn't been brought to usyet.

So Ranma would have let them both die if he had the chance?  Guess he's
waiting until the other Phoenix key gets retrieved.

 Wanted her to learn before passing.

   'So close, and yet, so far.'

Can be used to describe so many things in life.

 Yes... It can. :/

   Akane...

As with Akane, sad...

 Well, that means that I wrote it partially right, then. :p

   The stage is set.

Yup.

Will be waiting for the next part when it's ready.  Hope the C&C helps.

 It does!

And now back to writing ^_^;

 YEY! Thanks for taking the time to C&C this. :)

Ginrai