allyn yonge <ayonge@yahoo.com> wrote:

Hi,
Everything In My Opinion ONLY.
Take what you find useful and ignore the rest.
{I _know_ that you know, it's just easier if I'm
consistent. ^_^}

Hokay. If my replies seem a tad indecisive, it's because I can't commit
to any changes until I've discussed them with my co-author. (Or maybe it
isn't. But then again, it could be. Or not. But probably!)

@@Boy . . .Titles are such a personal thing . . .
I'd suggest something classical, perhaps on the
Circe legend or similar from another mythos.

Perhaps an allusion to Jekyll/Hyde or the
beast within?

We shall consider.

@@ "Hey, hey we're the Monkeys . . .and people say
we're just 
monkeying around----

"... and we're too busy singing... to cook okonomiyaki...."

@@One would assume that the creeping was as "quietly
as possible".
I'd rather see something more descriptive of the
creeping. ^_^ (in 
line with "pinkish-glow")

Sounds like a good idea.

@@Errrr . . .and the bucket came from . . .?
I'm just having a tiny problem with the fact that
1)there's a handy bucket of cold water in the room
(unless
it's a "fire-bucket", which would make sense given the
Japanese
attitude toward fire.
OR
2)Ukyou-chimp (I've scanned the story) carried
a bucket of cold water with her.

Well, I dunno. In the Ranmaverse, characters sometimes seem to come up
with things for no apparent reason. But we'll think about mentioning
that she'd had it with her.

@@No one noticed a chimpanzee wandering around
Nerima in broad daylight? (And isn't this a little
late
even for Ranma to be sleeping in?)

Nah, it's a continuity error. These things happen when you've got two
authors putting their stuff together. Yoiko is on Eastern time and I'm
on Central. :)

@@How old is the "chimp" supposed to be?
An adult chimpanzee is a LARGE and powerful
animal. Ukyou-chimp tugs and Ranma is going
to move. (you only see the cute baby chimps
in movies. The adults are very dangerous
and have nasty tempers)

This is one of the cute baby ones (and having read the ending, you know
why. ^_^)

@@Ranma & co. didn't think of a "Locked" curse
a la "Herb & the Musk"? 

This story is before Herb's arrival.

        Ukyo nodded slowly, not expecting them to
understand.

@@CHARLTON HESTON: "I know how you feel."

UKYO: Get your stinking paws off me, you damn dirty non-ape!

@@OK . . .this suggests it's a baby chimp, since an
adult
would be about 150 lbs. You might want to establish
this
at the start. 

We can put something in to that effect, I suppose.

@@??? Errrr . . .I realize there's a plot point coming
up, but:
1) exactly how do they expect to lock an arboreal ape
in a
\ room with windows? She came IN through
the window.
2) "hoped" what they presume is a wild animal
"wouldn't be able to
cause much trouble"? IMO this line is bizzare (even
for the
Ranma-verse) it needs to be elaborated on or deleted. 

Well, Ranma and company are none too bright about such things, but we'll
see what we can do.

        "Please, everyone," Soun said quietly. "Let's
just get to the
bottom of this." He turned to Cologne. "Ma'am, if you
could please tell
us what you know. Has Ukyo been given a Jusenkyo
curse?"

@@ "Ma'am"??? doesn't feel right.

Nothing more appropriate comes to mind at the moment... Soun always
seemed like the polite and dignified type to me, until he blows a
gasket, of course. :) If you're suggesting gratuitous Japanese here,
well, I think you know my views on that. :)

        "No," Cologne said after a moment's pause. "I
sense a magical
aura about this animal, one of magical transformation.
A Jusenkyo curse
would not leave such an obvious signature."

@@Why not? Instead of "obvious", how about a
"different"
signature? Not that the original couldn't be true, it
just seems
to beg more questions (unless this is a plot point?)

No, not really... the ideas just seemed to work in my head for some
reason; Jusenkyo is a subtle and permanent kind of magic, unlike most of
the stuff you run into in the Ranmaverse which is loud and temporary. If
this causes problems for people we can probably take it out.

        "Feh," Happosai said with a careless shrug.
"What do you take
me for, Ranma?" He fished through his bag for a moment
and then proudly
pulled out a particular set of briefs. "I stole her
underwear two weeks
ago!"

@@KONATSU: "HEY! Those are mine."

This is quite a while before his arrival... which makes you wonder what
Ukyo would be doing with his undies. :)

@@Two plot problems:
1)While I've got the greatest respect for
three thousand years of Amazon History, BUT:
Cologne, in just a few seconds, is able
to identify the problems as the "amulet"
of Circe? And then----based on nothing more than
an "ancient rumor" everyone's running 
off  to look for . . .what exactly?
How big is this amulet? What does it look like?
What's it's range of operation? Are they going
to strip search everyone in Nerima? (Well, maybe
Happosai, but he doesn't need a reason)
2)They're going to split up? WHY?
They already know it (whatever IT is) is
powerful. When going after the Musk or
Lucky Gods, they went in a group, why change
now? (Other than plot cliche)
3)During their "discussion" did they
question Ukyou about her change?  You might
want to mention that. IMO that would be a pretty
critical debrief.

Good points, all. In fact, we had to keep a lot of this sort of
discussion out of the chapter because of space constraints. I know FFML
doesn't have any space limitations, but certain fanfic contests out
there do. ^_^ Now, of course, we can think about putting some of this
back in.

(1) Cologne's answer coming too easily? You're probably right, and we'll
try to think about how to do this better. How are they going to search?
Well, you've seen the answer to that already. Obviously they aren't
going to find it if it's hidden competently, but how likely is that? (2)
Why did they split up? Well, this is a different situation from Herb, in
that they have a lot of reasonably obvious places to look (and the Seven
Gods thing isn't canon anyway). I think the more applicable parallel is
the finale, where Plum hands them the map that the Phoenix have been
trying to steal, and their response is to divide it up, then (when
Shampoo is missing) split up to search for her. (3) Did they question
Ukyo? Yes, and learned nothing of value.

        Shampoo stifled a smile as she realized the
ribbon-twirling
maniac was trying to bait her, and decided to do some
baiting of her
own. If she could get Kodachi rattled enough, she
might reveal where the
amulet was hidden. 

@@ SHAMPOO: "If not, Shampoo break bones with red hot
irons."
NEUTRAL-OBSERVER: "But what if she really doesn't have
the
amulet?"

SHAMPOO: Then we issue heartfelt apology to next of kin.

IMO, makes more sense for the "Pig tailed girl" (for
example)
to walk up to the front door and ASK (cutely) with the
rest of
the gang waiting outside to see if s(he) comes back
out.
In fact it makes MUCH more sense to go in at least
pairs
so someone knows the last place you were seen as human

(In case you don't come back)
These are all martial artists, they should have at
least
a passing familiarity with Sunzi. (There are several
manga editions. )
This is so tactically unsound that it's difficult to
suspend
disbelief. 

You're assuming that they bothered to think about tactics. It was more
like "Okay, everyone go check somebody you think might be a likely
suspect." Shampoo, for example, would have had an easier time dealing
with Mousse, yes, but she's more likely to suspect a dangerous rival
than a man she views as just a putz. Likewise, pairing up would've been
smart, but there's no one Shamps trusts that much (other than Cologne,
but she doesn't go out on these sort of errands), and Ranma is
overconfident enough to think he doesn't need to.

@@Well, at least one pair . . .I'd feel better with a
third waiting at a distance
(Cologne?) But it's better than nothing.

Cologne never gets involved in stuff like this. Even when Shampoo got
taken by Pink and Link, she let Ranma, and later Akane, go try to rescue
her.

@@Good point. However (aside from the fact that he's
doing this by
himself) Wouldn't Cologne or Shampoo been better to go
after Mousse?
All Shampoo would have to do is offer to go on a date
and Mousse
would cut off his own head. And Cologne, if she
couldn't force an
answer, would probably be in a better position to tell
if he were
lying. Even Akane would be better. Why set up an
obviously
antagonistic situation?

I think I've answered this above. It's not what's easier, but who each
person is more likely to suspect.

Having Akane show up _just_ at the wrong moment seems
a bit
contrived. It happens in the manga, but the reader can
see it coming
more or less. If you want to keep this it might be
nice to have
a scene showing Akane in such a position that her
showing up
at that time and place seems at least reasonable. This
is a little
too deux ex machina. 

And, while Akane might get mad at Ranma for �glomping'
Mousse, would she still, knowing they're trying to
find
the "Transformation thingy' still throw him through
the wall? At the very least perhaps a "she threw him
through
the wall before his explanation registered" sort of
thing.

These sound like good suggestions; we'll consider them.

@@IMO, the transformation sequence is too long, takes
away from
the speed of the change.

We'll see what we can do about rewriting this bit.

Overall: Interesting concept. Well written in terms
of dialogue and narrative but I've got some problems
with the plot. It could work exactly as written with
more information to explain HOW/WHY certain things
happen.

Hopefully I've clarified some of this. To some extent, I think a humor
fic can get away with leaving some things unsaid. But you've raised a
lot of good points, and we'll see what we can do about clarifying in a
revision.

As always, many thanks for the feedback!


Gary Kleppe
http://www.akane.org/gary/comics.html
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