Hi,
Everything In My Opinion ONLY.
Take what you find useful and ignore the rest.
{I _know_ that you know, it's just easier if I'm
consistent. ^_^}

My comments@@

From:
         Gary and Yoiko <kleppe@mediaone.net> | Block
Address | Add to Address Book
      To:
         ffml@anifics.com
  Subject:
         [FFML] [Ranma][fanfic] Animals, part 1
    Date:
         Mon, 30 Jul 2001 10:23:24 -0500
 Reply-to:
         kleppe@mediaone.net, mightyyoiko@hotmail.com





"Animals" is a working title. Any suggestions on a
better one would be
appreciated :)

@@Boy . . .Titles are such a personal thing . . .
I'd suggest something classical, perhaps on the
Circe legend or similar from another mythos.

Perhaps an allusion to Jekyll/Hyde or the
beast within?



         Part one:
         Monkey Business


@@ "Hey, hey we're the Monkeys . . .and people say
we're just 
monkeying around----

         By Gary and Yoiko
         Characters and situations created by Rumiko
Takahashi. We claim
no legal rights to use them.
         Thanks to D.F. Roeder and Bjorn Christianson
for prereading.


         She crept across the room as quietly as
possible, 


@@One would assume that the creeping was as "quietly
as possible".
I'd rather see something more descriptive of the
creeping. ^_^ (in 
line with "pinkish-glow")


the
pinkish-glow of the rising sun lighting her way. 
Ranma slept, and she
paused to admire the sweet innocence of his expression
before reaching
out and tapping him gently.
         There was no reaction.  He didn't so much as
twitch an eyelash;
tickling and braid-pulling didn't work, either.

@@Ranma: HEY . . .we're gettin' a little personal
here, aren't we?

         She huffed in exasperation.  She'd just have
to try harder.
         "Mmm, five more minutes, Pop," he mumbled,
shrugging off the
hairy paws shaking him. The next thing he knew, a
bucket of ice water
washed over him.
         Ranma shot up off the bed and furiously
pushed dripping hair
out of his eyes. "Pop! You-!" Ranma blinked in
surprise. The paw holding
the bucket didn't belong to Genma. "You're not Pop,"
Ranma said
intelligently.

@@Errrr . . .and the bucket came from . . .?
I'm just having a tiny problem with the fact that
1)there's a handy bucket of cold water in the room
(unless
it's a "fire-bucket", which would make sense given the
Japanese
attitude toward fire.
OR
2)Ukyou-chimp (I've scanned the story) carried
a bucket of cold water with her.

         The chimp stood staring for a moment, then
began chittering
excitedly and waving the now-empty bucket as if trying
desperately to
explain. Ranma gently pried the bucket away before the
chimp could smack
him with it, and she clutched at his hand, struggling
to speak.
         "Ranma, what's all the noise for?" Akane
grumbled from the
doorway. "Hey, where'd the monkey come from?"

@@Actually a chimpanzee is an ape.

         "I dunno," Ranma said, trying to pull his
hand away. "It
must've come in through the window."
          The chimp looked at them both pleadingly. 
*It's me! ME!* she
tried to scream, but unintelligible monkey-gibberish
were the only
sounds she could make. At this rate, she'd be stuck in
this form the
rest of her life! She wondered what the life-span of a
chimpanzee was,
anyway. *Ran-chan, you jackass....*

@@I like the way you slip in Ukyou's identity.
Very smooth.

************

         Hiroshi pushed open the door to Ucchan's.
"Are you sure this
place is open?"
         "Of course." Daisuke walked over to their
usual table in the
corner. "It's after eleven." <SNIP>

@@No one noticed a chimpanzee wandering around
Nerima in broad daylight? (And isn't this a little
late
even for Ranma to be sleeping in?)


************

         "That's funny, you'd almost think it was
trying to talk," Akane
said. Ukyo nodded vigorously.
         "Don't be such a dummy, Akane."
         "Well, excuse me! You're the one who was
talking to it!"
         Ukyo scampered over to Ranma and grabbed his
hand again,
pulling insistently. When Ranma wouldn't budge,

@@How old is the "chimp" supposed to be?
An adult chimpanzee is a LARGE and powerful
animal. Ukyou-chimp tugs and Ranma is going
to move. (you only see the cute baby chimps
in movies. The adults are very dangerous
and have nasty tempers)


 she gave a monkey shriek
of exasperation and ran to the bathroom.  Maybe if she
could get some
hot water.... She turned the hot water tap just as
Ranma and Akane came
barreling in behind her.
         "Ranma, you don't think...?" Akane started.
Ukyo held her
breath and jumped in. Nothing happened! She sat in the
water, staring
dumbly at her furry body.
         "Gee," said Ranma. "For a second there, I
thought that chimp
was someone with a Jusenkyo curse!"

@@Ranma & co. didn't think of a "Locked" curse
a la "Herb & the Musk"? 

         Ukyo nodded slowly, not expecting them to
understand.

@@CHARLTON HESTON: "I know how you feel."

         "C'mon, chimp," Ranma said gently, helping
Ukyo out of the tub.
"Let's get you dried off, and then we'll try to find
out where you came
from." Ukyo stood quietly in a daze while Ranma
toweled her off and led
her back toward his room. This would be the stuff of
dreams, if only she
had a human body....

@@UKYOU: *Instead I'm a super-humanly strong simian
completely covered in fur, except for my oversized,
bright-red
genitalia,  . . .hmmmm . . .there may be an upside
here.*


         Nabiki stepped out into the hallway, looking
rumpled and
sleepy.
         "Where'd you get the chimp?" she asked,
waking up a little. One
never knew when a good business opportunity might
present itself...
         "It came in through the window," Ranma said.
         Ukyo glanced into Nabiki's room and noticed a
computer sitting
on her desk. She hadn't known Nabiki had a computer!
If she could only
get to it....
         "Hey!" Ranma said as she tried to pull away
from him. "Where do
you think you're going, chimp?"
         "That chimp is NOT going in my room,
Saotome," Nabiki said with
a poisonous glare, slamming her door shut. She glared
down at Ukyo. "You
hear that, chimp? I happen to have some expensive
equipment in there,
and you aren't going to get anywhere near it!"

@@Once again, Chimpanzees are VERY strong and have
very large canine teeth. Unless this is a VERY young
chimp
body the only way anyone could stop Ukyou-chimp would
be
if she allowed herself to be stopped. Which may be the
case, but
IMO, needs to be made clear in the narrative.



         Ukyo shrieked again. She could just slap them
all!
         "Oh, my, what's going on?" Kasumi asked,
peering out of her
doorway. She was surprised to see that nearly everyone
was up already;
usually she was the first to wake.

@@At "eleven o'clock" as established earlier with
Hiroshi & Daisuke? 


         <SNIP>
         "It wasn't my idea!" Ranma said. Ukyo jumped
up into his arms.

@@OK . . .this suggests it's a baby chimp, since an
adult
would be about 150 lbs. You might want to establish
this
at the start. 

<SNIP>
************

         A short while later, everyone sat down to
eat. Ukyo had been
locked safely in Ranma's room, where he hoped she
wouldn't be able to
cause much trouble.

@@??? Errrr . . .I realize there's a plot point coming
up, but:
1) exactly how do they expect to lock an arboreal ape
in a
\ room with windows? She came IN through
the window.
2) "hoped" what they presume is a wild animal
"wouldn't be able to
cause much trouble"? IMO this line is bizzare (even
for the
Ranma-verse) it needs to be elaborated on or deleted. 



         "It sure doesn't act like a normal chimp,"
Akane said
suspiciously, offering a small bit of egg to her own
little P-chan.
Ranma stared at the two of them incredulously. Since
when was Akane
observant of normal animal behavior?

@@LOL
OTOH, since when is Ranma. ^_^
btw, elaborating on my comment on locking
chimp in room. I'm not arguing that
the "normal" Ranma-verse denizen
is about as aware as a deaf-mute in a
blizzard at midnight during the dark of the moon,
I'm only saying that the line _as written_ leaves
a lot to be desired.  The obvious place to lock
an animal would be the doujou (more room, less
to destroy, easier to clean, stronger walls & doors)



         "What does a normal chimp act like?" Nabiki
asked without much
interest.
         "How should I know?" Akane answered grumpily.
"It's just that,
for a minute there, I was sure it was a person with a
Jusenkyo curse..."
         "Yeah, but hot water didn't do nothin',"
Ranma answered, then
began eating in earnest. He was starving, as usual,
and he was also in a
hurry to be sure that the chimp wasn't trashing his
room.

@@Again . . . no one recalls Ranma being locked in HIS

curse for one reason or another? And unless this
"chimp"
has been toilet trained, "trash" is the least of his
worries.


*************

         Ukyo stared at the door as she heard the lock
snick closed. 

@@They've got deadbolts on the room doors?
Most people don't have bedrooms that can be
ONLY locked from the outside. Not very safe in
case of fire. Now you could have a key-lock that
unsnaps from the inside and not have the
Ranma cast think about the fact that
1)Chimps have opposable thumbs
2) "normal" chimps can figure out locks

Again, IMO a better place to lock the chimp would
be the doujou and, since Ukyou-chimp is climbing the
roof anyway . . .

<SNIP>

************

         A short while later, everyone assembled in
the Tendo dining
room. Ranma looked down at Ukyo as she sat beside him.
The chimp glanced
shyly up at him and he turned to face Cologne.
         "So just what are we dealing with here, old
ghoul?" Ranma asked
impatiently.
         "An impertinent son-in-law, who refuses to
show proper respect
for his elders," Cologne said with an irritated glare.
         "Goodness!" Kasumi said. "That turned Ukyo
into a chimpanzee?"
         "Please, everyone," Soun said quietly. "Let's
just get to the
bottom of this." He turned to Cologne. "Ma'am, if you
could please tell
us what you know. Has Ukyo been given a Jusenkyo
curse?"

@@ "Ma'am"??? doesn't feel right.

         "No," Cologne said after a moment's pause. "I
sense a magical
aura about this animal, one of magical transformation.
A Jusenkyo curse
would not leave such an obvious signature."

@@Why not? Instead of "obvious", how about a
"different"
signature? Not that the original couldn't be true, it
just seems
to beg more questions (unless this is a plot point?)


         Cologne seemed to give herself a mental
shake, then continued
as if nothing had happened. "There are rumors," the
old woman said.
"Rumors of an ancient amulet with the power of
bestiamorphism -- the
transformation of human beings into animals. Some say
that it originally
belonged to the Greek sorceress Circe."
         "Really?" Kasumi smiled. "That sounds like it
would come in
handy. Think of all the money someone could save on
clothes!"

@@Ummm . . .huh?


         "This is very serious, Kasumi." Soun's
expression hardened. "If
we don't find out who it is that has this artifact, we
could all very
soon end up as lions, tigers and bears."
         "Oh, my!"

@@<GROAN!>

         "Who would be reckless enough to mess around
with black magic?"
Ryoga asked quietly. "And cowardly enough to attack a
woman from
behind?"

@@NABIKI: "Do you want that list alphabetically,
chronologically or
on place of origin?" 

         "Indeed," Genma continued in his most ominous
voice. "What sort
of person would be heartless enough to destroy the
life of this innocent
young girl, merely to satisfy his own appetite for
self-gratification?
Who could be so irredeemably evil as to dabble in
forces beyond human
control, forces that could lead to untold disaster?"
         Everyone turned. "What?" Happosai said. "What
are you all
looking at?"

@@ Cute.

         "People, use your heads," Nabiki said archly.
"Do you honestly
think that *he* would turn a lovely young woman like
Ukyo into that?"
She gestured toward the chimp, who hid her face in her
hands.
         "He might." Ranma tossed a glare at Happosai.
"To steal her
underwear, yeah!"
         "Feh," Happosai said with a careless shrug.
"What do you take
me for, Ranma?" He fished through his bag for a moment
and then proudly
pulled out a particular set of briefs. "I stole her
underwear two weeks
ago!"

@@KONATSU: "HEY! Those are mine."

         The chimp shrieked, and flattened the old
pervert with the
dining room table.
         "Goodness," said Kasumi. "That table
certainly has many
uses..."

@@SOUN (to Nabiki) "Do you think we should
cut back on her Thorazine?"

****************
         After more discussion, the group decided to
split up, each
person investigating someone who might possibly be in
possession of the
amulet. Ukyo, still a chimp, remained at the Tendo
home.

@@JAMIE LEE CURTIS: "That's right, splitting up is the
best way to search."
	
JASON: "Definitely. And always remember to wait
for the electricity to go off before going to
investigate
strange noises in the middle of the night when there's
an insane killer around. 

@@Two plot problems:
1)While I've got the greatest respect for
three thousand years of Amazon History, BUT:
Cologne, in just a few seconds, is able
to identify the problems as the "amulet"
of Circe? And then----based on nothing more than
an "ancient rumor" everyone's running 
off  to look for . . .what exactly?
How big is this amulet? What does it look like?
What's it's range of operation? Are they going
to strip search everyone in Nerima? (Well, maybe
Happosai, but he doesn't need a reason)
2)They're going to split up? WHY?
They already know it (whatever IT is) is
powerful. When going after the Musk or
Lucky Gods, they went in a group, why change
now? (Other than plot cliche)
3)During their "discussion" did they
question Ukyou about her change?  You might
want to mention that. IMO that would be a pretty
critical debrief.
COLOGNE: "Did you notice anything unusual before
you became a monkey."
JANE GOODALL: "APE!"
UKYOU: "Ummm . . .other than this large white rabbit
who was late for an appointment and an ancient
tentacled
sea-god looking for the Tokyo campus of Miskatonic
University,
 nope, not a thing."





         <SNIP>
         Shampoo stifled a smile as she realized the
ribbon-twirling
maniac was trying to bait her, and decided to do some
baiting of her
own. If she could get Kodachi rattled enough, she
might reveal where the
amulet was hidden. 

@@ SHAMPOO: "If not, Shampoo break bones with red hot
irons."
NEUTRAL-OBSERVER: "But what if she really doesn't have
the
amulet?"
SHAMPOO: <giggle> "Ooopsie."

<SNIP>
         Kodachi's bone-chilling laughter rang out
across the yard.
"You'll not find the Black Rose an easy opponent!" she
cried, lashing
out with her ribbon. "And the amulet you speak of is
not here. But I
will find it, and I will take great pleasure in
reducing you to a common
street mouse, as befits your level of sophistication!"

@@MIGHTY MOUSE: <To Jerry, Micky and the rest> "OK
bitch,
you're toast."

         "You lie!" Shampoo cried shrilly as she
leaped to dodge the
ribbon. The Amazon landed lightly in an attack
position, and she and the
Black Rose circled each other warily, sizing each
other up.

@@"Shrilly", "lightly" "warily" 
A few too many "ly" in a row.

<SNIP>

@@And why send Shampoo to the Kuno's?
Nabiki= Kuno & perhaps Kodachi
Ran-ko= Kuno
Akane= Kuno

Ranma= Kodachi

IMO, makes more sense for the "Pig tailed girl" (for
example)
to walk up to the front door and ASK (cutely) with the
rest of
the gang waiting outside to see if s(he) comes back
out.
In fact it makes MUCH more sense to go in at least
pairs
so someone knows the last place you were seen as human

(In case you don't come back)
These are all martial artists, they should have at
least
a passing familiarity with Sunzi. (There are several
manga editions. )
This is so tactically unsound that it's difficult to
suspend
disbelief. 
************

<SNIP>

         "You want me to give it to you?" Tatewaki
asked, surprised.
Then again, why should she not? Was he not the Blue
Thunder, he who
struck fear into the hearts of his foes and inspired
passionate love in
the hearts of all women?

@@<urrrk>

         "Shampoo know you could turn her into animal
if you want," the
Amazon said quietly, hoping that he would just hand
over the amulet
peacefully instead.
         "Indeed," Tatewaki answered solemnly.
Clearly, tales of his
prowess had spread far and wide.

@@<ewwww> That's an image we didn't need. ^_^

<SNIP>
         "Why, sister," Tatewaki said in surprise, "I
never suspected!
Still, it is no concern of mine. You may enter into a
love affair with
this girl if such is your desire. 

@@LOL


I shall, however, retain possession of
this, the Kuno family ring," he cried, holding the
ring aloft to admire
the way it caught the light. "My 'vision' is quite
clear. I, Tatewaki
Kuno, will with this ring win the favor of the most
lovely Akane Tendo.
Or will it be the pig-tailed girl?" he mused,
wandering off.
         Shampoo and Kodachi stared dumbly at
Tatewaki's back as he
stalked off, then turned to look at each other.
         "Shampoo NOT date with you!" the Amazon
announced, before
leaving quickly.
         Kodachi stared at the empty doorway for a
long moment after
Shampoo had left. "I am NOT the crazy one," she said
quietly.

@@LOL

************

         Nabiki led Ryoga up to the Gosunkugi house
and waited until he
knocked on the door.  "Remember," Nabiki said. "Let me
do the talking."

@@Well, at least one pair . . .I'd feel better with a
third waiting at a distance
(Cologne?) But it's better than nothing.


         <SNIP>

         "Well, I can do some card tricks, or the
disappearing coin
trick..." Gosunkugi's answer trailed off as Nabiki
stifled a yawn, "...
or I could show her the ball in the cup..."
         Ryoga grabbed Gosunkugi by the shirt collar
and lifted him off
the ground. "If you even think of showing Akane your
-"

@@LOL!!!

<SNIP>

"Demonstrate it for us, will you? Ryoga here will
volunteer."
         "I will?" Ryoga gasped, wide-eyed.
         "Yes, you will," Nabiki said firmly.

@@RYOUGA: "Funny, I don't remember joining the army."

<SNIP>
************

         Mousse was wiping down tables at the
Nekohanten when Ranma
found him. Could he be the one, Ranma wondered? It
seemed unlikely.
Mousse would have wanted to attack him, not Ucchan. On
the other hand,
with his eyesight, who was to say he would've known
who he was
attacking?

@@Good point. However (aside from the fact that he's
doing this by
himself) Wouldn't Cologne or Shampoo been better to go
after Mousse?
All Shampoo would have to do is offer to go on a date
and Mousse
would cut off his own head. And Cologne, if she
couldn't force an
answer, would probably be in a better position to tell
if he were
lying. Even Akane would be better. Why set up an
obviously
antagonistic situation?



         A plan. Ranma needed to think of a plan to
get Mousse to spill
what he knew, if anything.
         "Yo, Mousse. Level with me, man. Did you find
this thingamajig
that turns people into animals? Maybe accidentally
used it on Ucchan?"
*Oh, REALLY brilliant plan there,* Ranma said to
himself.

@@Well . . .IMO would have been better if you skipped
Ranma's
self commentary.

         "I've always treated women with respect,"
Mousse answered
quietly but with some heat. "Unlike certain others I
could name, Ranma."
         "Now waitaminute..." Ranma began.
         "Someday Shampoo will see that I'm the better
man, Ranma. I've
treated her with dignity and respect while you've
taken advantage of
her. I don't need to turn you into an animal. You need
to be turned into
a human being!"
         "Stupid jerk!" Ranma snapped, and then
stalked out of the room.
He had a plan now. If Mousse wanted Shampoo, it was
Shampoo he would
get.

@@Not a bad plan . . .but why not just use the real
Shampoo?

         A short time later, Mousse again saw someone
enter the
Nekohanten. Even without his glasses he saw that it
was obviously a
female, 

@@Mousse talks to statues. I don't think "female" is
obvious if he can't tell human. Let alone "classical
Chinese
dress" (and I don't think "classical" dress was
skin-tight)
<SNIP>

         Just then Akane entered. "What are you
doing?!?" she yelled,
her face reddening.

@@Errrr . . .This seems just a bit contrived.
IMO, needs a better set-up. IF Ranma/Akane were
together, then perhaps Akane was just overcome
with jealousy. If she just "happened" to end up
there at just that time . . .
Again, it just seems contrived to me. Sending Ranma to
Mousse _just_ so you could have this staged "Ranma
has a couple of bad ideas and then is caught by Akane
when
it really isn't what it looks like" scene.
It's cute in spots, but the lack of justification
bothers me.
1)WHY send Ranma to Mousse when Shampoo would
have been the better first choice? IMO the
Shampoo/Ranma
scenes are too obviously a set-up. Send Ranma to Kuno
and
Shampoo to Mousse.  You can have nearly the same sorts
of conflict and the start is more natural. OTOH, KEEP
this
set-up, just add some detail to justify it. Give a
reason WHY
Ranma goes to Mouse instead of Shampoo (and vice
versa).

 
         "Aiya!" said Ranma, squirming out of Mousse's
embrace. "Is
uncute, violent tomboy come to take Mousse away from
Shampoo!"

@@Cute. ^_^

         "Ranma..." Akane growled.
         "Is no here!" Ranma moved to put Mousse
between herself and
Akane. "This Mousse. Maybe violent girl need glasses?"
         "I've HAD it with you, Ranma!" Akane cried,
trying to grab at
Ranma.
         "Not my Ranma," Ranma said, wincing at his
own words. "Now is
your Ranma. Mousse is my Mousse." Akane made a sudden
grab and caught
him by the arm, and started dragging him out to the
kitchen. The glasses
fell unnoticed from Ranma's hand.

@@LOL at "Not my Ranma." ^_^

Having Akane show up _just_ at the wrong moment seems
a bit
contrived. It happens in the manga, but the reader can
see it coming
more or less. If you want to keep this it might be
nice to have
a scene showing Akane in such a position that her
showing up
at that time and place seems at least reasonable. This
is a little
too deux ex machina. 

And, while Akane might get mad at Ranma for �glomping'
Mousse, would she still, knowing they're trying to
find
the "Transformation thingy' still throw him through
the wall? At the very least perhaps a "she threw him
through
the wall before his explanation registered" sort of
thing.
<SNIP>

************

         Ranma limped toward the Tendo house, intent
on soaking some of
his aches away in the bath. The remains of the dress
hung in shreds
around him, so he was taking a side street in the
hopes that nobody
would catch him wandering around in his underwear. "I
wonder who DID
transform Ukyo, if Mousse didn't do it," he mumbled to
himself.
         So deep in thought was Ranma that he didn't
notice that he was
being watched. A strange feeling of uneasiness
suddenly came over him.
Get away, his instinct said, but it was too late. He
felt himself
shrinking, changing....

@@IMO, the transformation sequence is too long, takes
away from
the speed of the change.

EXAMPLE::
	Ranma's internal debate was interrupted by the
shrilling of his
danger-sense----he felt himself shrinking, changing .
. .


To convey the sense of quickness, he gets the sense of
danger simultaneously
with the attack, keep the description short and fast
as well.





<SNIP>

Overall: Interesting concept. Well written in terms
of dialogue and narrative but I've got some problems
with the plot. It could work exactly as written with
more information to explain HOW/WHY certain things
happen.

1)Not thinking about locked curse or offering pen &
paper?
2)Locking Ukyou-chimp in Ranma's room?
3)Cologne almost instantly knows it's the Circe
�Amulet'?
4)They split up to look for an amulet that has no
description?
5)Shampoo goes to Kuno while Ranma goes to Mousse?
6)Akane pops up at _just_ the wrong moment?
7)The timing that allows Shampoo to finish with
the Kuno's and get back to Mousse at just that 
moment.


Perhaps a little prologue to show how the amulet ends
up
in Japan/in "her" hands? Something to make it
reasonable
that Cologne would almost immediately think about
_this_ explanation and be able to give them some idea
of what to look for. Don't have to show/tell the
reader
"who" has the amulet, just something that makes
it reasonable that Cologne would have knowledge of the
amulet and that it would be in Japan and could tell
them
what the darn thing looks like. (especially as the
story
of Circe is set in the Aegean Late   Bronze Age 
(1600-1100 B.C.). Of course this might fit in with
Chinese "Amazons" being descended from lost
Amazons of Greek origin. Which would explain
Cologne being so familiar with the "amulet". 

=====
"When I get a little money, I buy books;
 And, if any is left, I buy food and clothes."-Erasmus

"A man is a small thing, and the night is large 
and full of wonders." -Lord Dunsany

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             `---- http://ffml.anifics.com/faq.txt -----'