Hi,
My comments are In My Opinion ONLY.
Take what you find useful and ignore the rest.
While I'm C&Cing chapter 3 specifically
I'll make reference to chapters 1 & 2 along the way.

Comments @@

@@Overall:
All in all, a good read.
Enjoyable story and generally nice
dialogue/action smoothly blended.
However I've noticed a lack of real
dramatic tension . . .things happen too quickly,
problems are resolved almost before the reader knows
there IS a problem.  I'd also like to see more detail
regarding certain things, especially Nabiki.
She's one of the most interesting characters in the
story, but you don't spend enough time with her.

Now, for some detail . . .



From:
        "Arthur Hansen" <arthurh@utah-inter.net> |
Block Address | Add to Address Book
     To:
        <ffml@anifics.com>
 Subject:
        [FFML] [Ranma] [alt] Birthright 
   Date:
        Wed, 25 Jul 2001 23:00:11 -0600

@@Disclaimer?



Ranma Birthright - 3

Ranma spun and dipped, his movements bouncing him
along. He
blocked punches and kicks from his adversary, even as
she
followed his movements flawlessly. The students of
Furinkan
High barely noted their progress over their heads. It
had
become that commonplace.

Ranma couldn't help but smile. Akane was really
pushing him
today. His fianc,e returned the feral smile, even as
she
snuck in a punch to his chest. In unison, they landed
lightly even as they looked up to see a figure leaping
at
them with the sun at his back.

The figure shouted, "Ranma, prepare to die!"

@@Too predictable, especially when you're introducing
Ryouga in the same order and in a very similar manner
as the original. 
Several areas which lack conflict or detail:

1)You haven't given the reader enough insight into WHY
Akane is so different in this universe. I like the
hints you've given with her mantra, the attention to
her mothers shrine, etc. However I'd like more detail
on her state of mind (since that seems to be the key
to her new character/abilities) 
2)You're not taking advantage of possibilities.
Ranma/Akane are getting along too well. You've had
flashes of conflict (I like Ranma's determination to
keep the "secrets" of "his" art. BUILD on that. 
 
In fact these two areas could set up some wonderful
conflict between the two, Akane's "secret" promise to
her mother and Ranma's "secret" techniques. You've got
some great potential, but you're not taking advantage
of it as you could.

3) Ryouga . . .Other than Akane's participation (which
I liked) it's too close to the original, down to the
dialogue. And, Akane's win is, IMO, too easy. Recall
that Ranma didn't win his first fight against Ryouga
(I'm not sure, but I think Ryouga has won more fights,
Ranma just wins the last one. ^_^ (but don't hold me
to that. I haven't counted))

<SNIP>


"Do you know him, Ranma?" Akane asked curiously. She
was
eyeing the new boy speculatively. Strong, but not
terribly
fast. She wondered how good a fighter he really was.

@@Ummm . . .doesn't "seem" terribly fast. After all,
she's just met him. OTOH this would be a nice setup
for "hubris". Akane underestimates Ryouga's speed.

<SNIP>

A hubbub of voices from the crowd in the background
could be
heard.

"Bad sense of direction?"

"Really bad."

"You said it."

@@This section much too close to original. One way
around this is to mix up the order of appearance. Have
Shampoo or Ukyou show up now, Ryouga later. Have Ryoga
show up in a different way, enrolled in class (a la
Ukyou) for instance and have Ukyou use Ryouga's
"leap-from-the-sky-screaming-vengeance" entrance. 


<SNIP>

@@Still too close to the original.

"What would a girl like you know about honor..." his
tirade
was broken off as she punched him in the jaw.

@@Weak. I LOVE the next part, but given Ryouga's
attitude toward girls, this seems a little extreme.
OTOH, if you modify Ryogua some, this could work. Make
him a modern day "Shouei" or warrior monk.
Characteristically shaven headed, brutally strong,
hairy of face and body. Give him an iron club or
uprooted tree instead of an umbrella.  This changes
the scene, gives an immediate word picture that shows
the reader that this is a different Ryouga, fits in
with his "What would _you_ know of honor, girl." (Hey,
let's make this as insulting as possible) Finally, I
would let this fight be a draw, rather than a win for
Akane/Ranma. Otherwise they run the risk of being too
powerful and that takes away from the dramatic
tension.  Perhaps the fight ends because someone
throws a pot of beans on the field and Ryouga has
taken a vow never to touch beans. (Lest you think this
too silly, an entire community of Pythagoreans were
slaughtered by a Roman legion because they wouldn't
cross into a bean field. (against their beliefs to
touch beans, don't ask me why. I don't think anyone
knows. And there aren't any of them left to ask)

"I would think very carefully about what you are about
to
say, Hibiki." Akane tossed the umbrella over her
shoulder
lightly. It clunked into the ground, cracking the
concrete,
much to the surprise of her schoolmates.

@@I LIKE this part "I would think carefully . . ."

"And who are you, anyways?" Ryoga rubbed his jaw
thoughtfully. That had stung.

Ranma's gazed bounced back and forth between the two,
like
in a tennis match.

"I am Akane Tendo, heir to the Tendo School of
Anything Goes
Martial Arts." She cracked her knuckles in anger.

@@As opposed to cracking in joy?

"Stay out of this, Tendo. This is a matter between
men. You
wouldn't understand."

Ranma suddenly cringed. That wasn't what he should
have
said.

Akane didn't say anything for a long moment. "I
understand
perfectly. For that comment alone, I challenge you."

@@Nice again. IMO needs a stronger Ryouga for a
stronger set up. (the familiar Ryouga wouldn't say
this to a girl, IMO)

"You? I don't care about you. All I want is my revenge
on
him," he shouted as he pointed at Ranma. "For what he
has
done, I will destroy his happiness."

"My happiness? Am I happy?" Ranma asked as he looked
over at
his fianc,e.

"Don't ask me," she replied. She spun back on the
angry boy.
"You haven't responded to my challenge!"

@@Too close to the original. You've got some good
stuff here. I'd rather read YOUR words, than re-read
the original or a close paraphrase. 

"After I destroy Ranma, I'll be happy to fight you."

"Really? You don't look good enough to beat him, much
less
me," Akane said haughtily.

"Much less? You have a pretty high opinion of
yourself."
Ryoga cracked his knuckles.

@@Ummm . . .OK,  we're drowning in a sea of
testosterone here. (Sheeesh, I think someone needs to
check Akane-chan (or is that Akane-kun) for an extra
Y-chromosome)
You might want to find something for them to crack
besides their knuckles. ^_^

"Less talk, more fighting." Akane pointed towards the
field
where Ranma had fought Kuno so recently. Putting her
own
words into action, she walked off into the crowd.

@@^_^ Yep, definitely an extra Y-chromosome in there.

<SNIP> re-hash of Ryouga's bad sense of direction.

-

<SNIP> Re-hash of bread fight.

-

<SNIP> re-hash of bread joke.
<SNIP> re-hash of "I've seen hell"

<SNIP> Fight scene, Ranma wins too easily. 

For a moment, he didn't move. With a groan, Ryoga
staggered
to his feet. He shakily raised one hand in defense,
even as
his other wiped the blood from his mouth. "Y-you still
hit
like a weakling."

Compassion was all he could see in Ranma's face.
"Ryoga,
you've lost. I don't want to hurt you no more."

@@Ranma being too reasonable.
IMO this removes all the dramatic tension. You're
resolving the Ranma/Ryouga conflict too easily and too
soon.



<SNIP> fight, Ranma wins too easily.
Again, you're forfeiting dramatic tension.

<SNIP> revealing Ryogua's curse and removing that bit
of dramatic tension.

Ryoga growled and launched himself at Ranma. The same
girl
who had interrupted their previous fight unexpectedly
brought him up short, her hand snapping out and
snagging his
bandana.

"Is that why you hate him?" she asked forcibly,
shaking him
by his bandana.

The little piglet managed to nod yes even as he
struggled to
break free.

"You do know that Ranma has a curse too, right?"

He stopped struggling, looking at the girl who held
him. He
shook his head in negation.

"He turns into a girl when splashed with cold water.
So he
knows what it's like. Even if he's whiny about it.
Keeps
blaming his girl side for losing our fights," Akane
said
smugly.

@@Cute. ^_^

"I ain't done that in weeks! I agree with you that I
need to
train my cursed form up to speed!" Ranma protested.
Akane
had nagged him incessantly until he'd agreed to do so.

"So what are you going to do if it rains during one of
your
fights, Ranma? Lose and whine because your girl curse
made
you lose? Even if it's to a girl?"

@@Unclear, but I _think_ this is Akane "nagging"?
Might want to clean that up a bit so it's easier to
understand.


"Come on. We'll get you changed back." Akane hefted
his
backpack with one hand, slipping it over her shoulder.

"Let me carry him!" Sayuri asked, taking the cursed
martial
artist when he was proffered. "You're so cute!" she
cried
out as she hugged him.

@@Now that's new and interesting. But with his curse
revealed, you no longer have the tension from Ryouga's
fear of discovery and you haven't replaced it with a
new source of tension. 

-

Ranma, Ryoga, Akane and Sayuri were all sitting around
the
dinner table at the Tendo's.  Sayuri had tagged along,
feeling she deserved to know something. The young girl
had
also been trying to drag Akane out of her shell of
martial
arts for a long time. 

@@GOOD! You've introduced something new about Akane
and the readers are going to want to know about this
"shell". 

However you've removed VERY quickly dramatic tension:
1)Ryogua as  rival fighter
2) The "secret" of Ryouga's curse.

This also alters/removes Ryouga as "romantic rival"
tension.
Which is the only reason for Ryouga to exist in the
original. 

IMO this is like building a siege-gun, then throwing
it away after one shot. Wasteful. 
IF you want to eliminate Ryouga's "traditional" roles,
IMO you spent far too much time reproducing the
original dialogue/scenes. There was nothing wrong with
the writing. In terms of dialogue and narrative it was
good. But it also seemed rather pointless, except in
terms of showing Akane as a formidable fighter. Which
could have been done w/o most or all of the
Ranma/Ryouga interaction. Beating him up twice seems
overkill. 





She had sighed dramatically during
Ryoga's explanation of how he had followed Ranma all
the way
to China and had been knocked off a cliff into the
pools of
sorrow.

"Oh, that's so sad," Sayuri cried out heartfeltly.

Ryoga continued his story, getting angrier by the
moment. Of
the horrors that arose on his harrowing trip back, of
almost
being eaten several times.

"The path of a true martial artist is truly fraught
with
danger," Akane quoted from memory, verbatim. She
glanced at
Ranma, thinking of having his curse (in reverse, of
course.)
Ugh.

@@Akane as Soun . . .now THAT'S a scary thought. ^_^
RANMA: *Geee . . .I never noticed how cute those lil'
fangs are, before."
@@RYOUGA: "Quit staring, you're creeping me out."

"That's what my dad always says. I feel for you, man.
At
least I'm not going to get eaten or nothing."

@@AKANE: <aside> "Ho ho ho. Just wait until the
wedding, night, my pretty!"

"I don't need your pity! I just want my revenge, Ranma
Saotome!" Ryoga cracked his knuckles in preparation to
continue his war.
@@RYOUGA: "Owie!"
RANMA: "What's the matter?"
RYOUGA: "I bwoke my widdle hand."

@@IMO you need to find a substitute for "cracking
knuckles" ^_*

"And lose again? You aren't good enough to beat him
and you
definitely aren't good enough to defeat me. And since
he
lives in my house, I will defend him also." Akane
pinned him
to his spot with her gaze alone.
@@AKANE: <Bwahahaha> "Call me QUEEN!"
RYOUGA/RANMA: <whimper>

"Oh, yeah. You challenged me, didn't you? I'll get
back to
you after I teach your girlfriend a lesson in respect,
Ranma!"

Ranma stood up and gestured in the direction of the
dojo.
"Your funeral. And she isn't my girl friend!"

"What do you mean?" Ryoga asked suspiciously.

@@AKANE: <whips off slacks to reveal---->
RYOUGA: "Urrrrrk" <turns green & faints>
AKANE: "I had it done in Sweden!"

Ranma and Akane both ignored him as they walked into
the
dojo. Ranma sat on the sidelines, interested to see
how
Akane fought versus someone else.

Akane stood calmly across from Ryoga, still wearing
the blue
slacks and blouse combo that she'd worn earlier to see
Ranma's match. Ryoga casually walked up to within five
feet
of her. Without warning, she leaped at him as fast as
Ranma
had earlier. She snapped a kick at his head that he
blocked
with both arms, using that platform to rocket away to
the
wall.

@@Ummm . . . a little confusing about who is rocketing
and why.


<SNIP> Akane/Ryouga fight. Akane wins too easily.

I've got nothing against Akane beating the stuffing
out of Ryogua or Ranma or Kasumi for that matter . . .
KASUMI: "I have to go shopping now."

But if Akane is that good, it rather takes the
excitement out of any fights. It becomes <ho, hum,
Akane is going to thrash someone> very much like the
Sailor Moon "monster-of-the-week" problem.  The
tension came from the times when SM could NOT "moon
dust" the monster.
-

<SNIP> Akane being reasonable and removing or trying
to remove Ryouga's "revenge" motivation and another
source of dramatic tension.

At this point you've got several pages of:
Ryouga challenges Ranma, gets his head handed to him.
Ranma breaks a sweat.	

Ryouga challenges Akane, gets what's left of his head
handed to him. Akane doesn't break a nail.

Ranma/Akane are both very reasonable, Ryouga doesn't
seem nearly as angry/psychotic. 

You've got the structure of dialogue and narrative,
but you don't have any dramatic tension, and that's
the fuel that drives the story. 

WHO will win the fight?
WHEN will Ryouga's "secret" be revealed?
WHY does Ryouga hate Ranma?
CAN Akane win against this inhuman monster?

These are the sorts of questions that makes the reader
read the story. IMO you've answered them too quickly
or not even allowed them to be asked. 

Ryouga is introduced to provide a stronger rival than
Kuno, but you've eliminated them both very quickly.
(btw, this is one reason given sometimes for the
removal of Dr. Tofu. He was solving Ranma and Akane's
problems too quickly. Which would have brought the
story to an end.)
I've had an epiphany . . .a new term now joins the
fanfiction lexicon: Toufuu: noun, to remove a source
of dramatic tension ^_^

You just Toufuued your story or at least this part of
it. There really isn't any reason for Ryouga to exist
now. And certainly no reason to spend this much time
on him.

OPTIONS:
1)Change the character order.
2)Change Ryouga's entrance
3)Change Ryouga's character: Stronger/weaker
eg, he's an assassin instead of a brute fighter.

4)P-chan: regarding (later on) Ryouga being a student
of Soun, IMO this is a wonderful reason to KEEP the
secret of P-chan. Dramatic Tension wondering if he's
going to be found out. (He could use P-chan to spy on
secret techniques from both Genma/Ranma & Soun/Akane)
The only reason to have cute little p-chan was to have
a "pet" for Akane who was also a Rival to Ranma and to
see how obtuse Akane could be for comedic effect.  And
to give Ryouga a "reason" for revenge.
 



-

<SNIP>
He whistled in appreciation at their movements. It was
like
some sort of free style mid air war. It seemed to be
Ranma
and Akane versus the two older men at this point.
Amazingly
enough, even though they weren't winning, they weren't
losing to the teachers either. Ranma and Akane snagged
each
other's hands as they passed by spinning them into
perfect
kicks that their elders barely blocked.

@@<whimper> Ranma/Akane begin TOO perfect too soon.
It is nice to see that they're having to work at it,
but there's no tension between them. No wondering if
they are going to work out their differences and end
up together.



The older men landed slightly winded, even as their
children
tag teamed them, 
@@How does Ryouga know
1)The "older men" are teachers? (He might assume)
2)That Ranma/Akane are "their" children?


Ranma versus the man in the brown gi, Akane
versus the man in the white gi. All four were sweating
profusely. Ryoga didn't quite catch what the man with
glasses did to send Akane flying, but he watched in
awe as
the longhaired man just tapped Ranma's hands out of
the way
while snapping his own unbelievable punch into the
younger
man's chest, sending him sprawling.

@@GOOD, Akane beaten by Genma, Ranma by Soun.
Continues the concept that there are differences
between the schools.


And that was the signal for the end of the training.
Ryoga
caught the eyes of the three other students, standing
in the
dojo's door. They were shaking their heads in
amazement,
even as they turned to begin their own practice.

"Good morning!" a cheerful voice behind Ryoga said,
startling him out of his reverie.

"Wah!" he cried out, spinning and landing on his but.
He saw
a young lady sit at the table.

"You must be Ryoga Hibiki! Akane talked about you last
night
at dinner." Kasumi adjusted her bowl and started
filling it
with food.

The older lady from last night walked in with more
bowls.
"Oh, you're awake. Would you like some breakfast?" She
turned to the open door. "Breakfast is ready."

Kasumi flushed as she took in the partially dressed
young
man in front of her. He was quite muscular.

@@^)^ 
Love interest between Kasumi & Ryouga?
I'd actually prefer that to the new character.
Although I understand why you got Kasumi pregnant, I
also think you got rid of another source of dramatic
tension too soon by resolving her problem and forcing
Akane/Ranma's marriage.

I'm also not sure why you have Nanami, the
housekeeper. It seems as if you've split Kasumi in
half, introducing an older Kasumi-clone as a new
character and leaving a rather washed-out Kasumi as
well. The idea of changing the "Kasumi" variable to
account for the changes in the family is a good one. 
However I don't think you've provided enough detail to
account for the changes. Especially Nabiki. I rather
like what you've done with her, but it's too rushed.
Spend more time on Nabiki, what she's thinking and
why. Build her character.
One possibility is to eliminate Nanami altogether and
keep the changes limited to Kasumi's character.
Perhaps a chronic illness or disability. Soun spends
more time with her and Akane (as heir) no one left to
act as "mother figure" and Nabiki (as middle child)
feels left out and resentful. 
http://www.indiaparenting.com/articles/data/art09_029.shtml
http://www.parenthoodweb.com/parent_cfmfiles/pros.cfm/319



Ryoga noted her gaze and realized his state of dress,
or
lack thereof. He ran to the guest room to grab his
shirt.

"Um, excuse me, that's the closet."

Ryoga gave a big toothy grin as he walked out of the
closet.
"I knew that."

@@Cute.

"Yeah, right!" Ranma crowed even as he slid into his
seat.

"Ranma!" Akane cried as she slid in next to him.

Ryoga's widened in surprise as they started what
looked like
a duel with chopsticks, their fathers just nodding in
approval as they sat down.

"Good morning? I hope you slept well," the man with
long
hair said. "I am Soun Tendo. Welcome to my home." He
casually snapped a piece of meat back from his
daughter's
chopsticks.

@@Cute. I'm still bothered by Akane and Ranma getting
along so well and being so "perfect" as martial
artists.  You need a bigger stick than poor old
Ryouga. Either make him better or replace him with a
better foe. 

"Ah, pleased to meet you." Ryoga gestured at the
couple.
"Are they always like that?"

"Hmm? Oh, yes. Very competitive those two."

"They're freaks, Dad. Get it right," Nabiki sniped as
she
walked in and sat down.

@@VERY nice. This is one of the things I love about
your Nabiki. Another suggestion: introduce Ryouga to
Nabiki first, have her set up a fight between Ryouga &
Ranma/Akane.
If you don't want a re-write to that extent this would
still be viable later on with Nabiki passing secret
techniques to Ryouga. 

<SNIP>

-
<SNIP>

Ranma had already entered said room by the time that
Nanami
had finished calling after him. Yep, there they were.
A
slightly open nightstand's drawer of pill bottles
revealed
over two dozen varieties of pills. Ranma started to
take one
of each, thought about it for a second and grabbed two
of
each. He dry swallowed them and then glided down the
hall to
stairs to get a glass of water.

@@IMO, a comment to the effect that the bottles are
labeled "vitamin" would be useful. I find it hard to
believe even Ranma would take pills from un-labeled or
badly labeled bottles.  In fact it would seem logical
that Nabiki would hide her "stash" either in a
"vitamin" container or, better, hidden among real
vitamin pills. A few real vitamins on top, in case
anyone looks, the hard stuff hidden underneath. 



A wave of vertigo suddenly struck him as he started
down the
stairs. His limbs started to feel rubbery, even as his
eyes
drooped. The last thing he remembered was thinking,
my, how
high up he was from the bottom of the stairs.

@@That's a little quick for tablets or even capsules
(which would act a bit faster, perhaps) They've got to
dissolve in the stomach, then move into the gut, then
into the blood-stream. Haldol (Haloperidol) is the
best choice that I find, (there are almost certainly
others) taking between 1-5 minutes to take effect.
It's an anti-psychotic, so that might fit into the
story as well. ^_^ FOR    chronic schizophrenia and
other psychoses.   major tranquilizer.   control of
hyperactive behaviour in children. It synergistically
acts with tranquilizers and is considered VERY
dangerous. 
Causes: Neuroleptic Malignant Syndrome. It may
 cause body temperature raising, rigid muscles and    
                  coma (passing out), rapid heart beat
and breathing,
sweating, shaking and seizures. The death rate is 20%.
                   


We're talking about a pretty good sized dose to act
that quickly, depending on Ranma's general condition. 
If you have Ranma chew the pills first, they'd act
faster. And if you mention something about him missing
lunch, taking them on an empty stomach will work in
your favor. 

An added bonus, using an anti-psychotic drug, you can
have Nabiki self-medicating or better mis-medicated.
Nabiki hides her problem(s) from her family due to the
stigma against mental-illness in Japan. This gives you
several avenues to develop dramatic tension and use
Nabiki as a tragic figure. 

For instance, you can have Akane & Soun blame/abuse
Nabiki for her "drug" use, while her drugs are
prescription medication that she has to hide from her
family because they don't listen/want to hear about
it. A wonderful set up for needless tragedy, futile
recriminations, guilt, etc, etc.  Make your bad guy a
little sympathetic so the reader can identify with
him/her. So that the reader can empathize with Nabiki,
recognize her has human. This adds conflict in the
reader.

@@The reason I spend so much time on the kind of drugs
involved is this tells us a lot about Nabiki, her
mindset, underworld contacts, psychology, psychosis
(natural or drug induced), physical state, etc. (I
REALLY like your character of Nabiki. I only wish I'd
thought of her ^_^)

A good basic book on the Japanese underground scene is
"Speed Tribes" by Karl Taro Greenfeld.







<SNIP>
-

Soun walked by his daughter's side, looking at her
carefully. He sighed. It must be the price of a modern
world. "Don't worry. I'm sure he will be fine about
this."

Kasumi sniffled loudly. "Father!"

"We'll call him tomorrow. I'm sure his family will be
amenable to reason." Soun cleared his throat. "He is a
responsible boy, right?" Obviously not that
responsible, he
grumbled to himself.

@@<G> cute. 

<SNIP>
Removed Nabiki too quickly. Defeated Kodachi too
quickly.

Overall: Good story. I enjoyed reading it and have
re-read it a couple of times. I liked "Superboy" and
the other two in that "series" as well. As far as I'm
concerned you're a good storysmith. Good dialogue and
narrative and nice descriptions.
With realistic characterizations and a really good one
in Nabiki. Those are the building blocks. Fairly
interesting plot with some really nifty sub-plot
potential. That's the framework.

Now this next bit is VERY subjective and depends
entirely upon what you as author want to do. As I
said, this is a nice readable story. I enjoyed it and
have re-read it a couple of times. 
HOWEVER . . .while it's a good story (as are the
others I've read) it's got the potential to be a great
story. I think you're missing out by resolving
conflicts too soon or never allowing them to develop. 
IMO you're spending too much time on rather bland
stuff (Ryouga & Kodachi fights) and ignoring the best
potential villain/conflict/drama in the story . .
.Nabiki. Kasumi's pregnancy comes a close second, but
again you resolved it in a rather offhand manner. 

A few suggestions about the kind of things I'd do to
increase dramatic tension.

1) Make the rivalry between Akane/Ranma & Soun/Genma
more intense, more edgy. Play up the "secret
techniques" bit.
2)More info on Nabiki, let's see more of her thoughts,
motivations, pain, insecurity. Build a more solid
conflict between Nabiki and the rest of the world.
3)I'd get rid of Nanami, or make some drastic changes.
She may add something to the story latter, but right
now, IMO, she's just filler. Frankly I think you'd be
better served by spending the time on Kasumi.
4)Don't resolve Kasumi's pregnancy so quickly. That's
another cliff-hanger to keep the reader interested.
And don't make Soun so understanding. Or at least have
someone be critical. Nabiki is almost too easy a
choice for this. IMO, have Kasumi's boyfriend run out
on her. THEN soun needs a quick husband, and Ranma's
handy. ^_^ And you've got Ryouga hanging around, who
could start out using Kasumi to try to get the doujou
and martial arts secrets for revenge against Ranma &
Akane. 
5)Don't get rid of Nabiki so easily. For instance::
Nabiki lets Akane get close, pretends to surrender,
then sticks her knife in Akane's kidney. ^_^ You don't
have to do it that way. Even better if you can turn it
around so that Ranma is at fault, or at least Nabiki
is not as much to blame. OR have Ranma jailed for drug
use, spend some time having to prove his innocence.

Keep the reader interested by keeping him surprised
and on edge. Recall that in the manga Ranma's enemies
kept getting stronger and stronger, which made it
harder and harder for him to win, more likely that
Akane might die, that they would never be together,
etc. 

Nice readable stories just as they are and I'll keep
reading w/o any changes. However there's a LOT of
potential here (in all of the one's I've read) and it
would be interesting to see what happens with more
dramatic tension.

^)^

=====
"When I get a little money, I buy books;
 And, if any is left, I buy food and clothes."-Erasmus

"A man is a small thing, and the night is large 
and full of wonders." -Lord Dunsany

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