Hey, thanks for the comments! Im glad you liked it. Ive been postponing
releasing part 2 for a few days becouse of the formatting on my end; if i
can get this shit figured out we'll be in buisness. So:
(BTW, I C&C'd as I read. Having read the entire thing
now . . .VERY good story, with one serious problem
that's easily fixed. (slow beginning) Other than that,
very well done.)
Ive been told the beginning was a little verbose, im working on that. Like i
said, the editorial was optional, i wasnt going to include it originally but
thought id see what the reaction was. there isnt another one until much
later.
@@IMO long explanatory introductions are counter
productive. Let the story speak for itself. Author
notes and comments should come at the end. And it's
helpful if you put the series (in this case [ORIG]) in
the subject line.
good point
"Our blood? Our fault? I've been far too sympathetic."
-Maynard James Keenan
@@Wheeeew . . .I really can't make too many
suggestions about that part since I have absolutely no
idea what you (as writer) were trying to do, or what
your character (if that was who was narrating) was
trying to do. The last time I saw something like that
was in German class, with a single sentence that was
about three pages long. My best suggestion is to cut
about 2/3 of that, and break the remainder into small
paragraphs.
HOWEVER . . .this is a purely personal stance. I don't
much like James Joyce or S.King, but they're both very
popular authors. In this case I tried three or four
times to read this, but my eyes kept glazing over. At
the very least, break it into paragraphs. (those may
have been lost in posting.)
1
As I sat there trying to put it back together, the
sentence elegantly flipped and twisted away
from English;
@@The very way I felt about the beginning. Which leads
me to suspect that your beginning was something being
read by your protagonist?
exactly
The problem was that as a
reader of your story I'm tempted to do as your
protagonist and chuck the thing (unread) into an ash
can.
doh
However, IF this is what you were trying to do, you
don't have to give _your_ reader that enormous chunk
of indigestible prose. Just few sentences, and a
little more description to let your readers know that
1] this is part of something that your protagonist is
reading
2]it's supposed to be unintelligible
then get on with the story.
again, ill take the advise next time. the editorial-to-story beginning was
sort of supposed to be a life-to-fantasy metaphor, but i understand it was a
little hard to take.
shoes. So much for the solution to our print problems
following our government's last-second resuscitation
of the press. I was uninterested, no one
influential read editorials anyway. I rolled up the
local rag and threw it in the bin two hallways
further. News was better delivered by television
screen.
@@Hmmm . . .either too much information or too little.
EXAMPLE:
1) As I sat there trying to put it back together, the
sentence [on the page] elegantly flipped and twisted
away from English.
2) The cheap ink they used came streaming down the
page after only a minute in the rain; blackish drops
pecked my shoes. So much for our government's
last-second resuscitation of the press. I was
uninterested, no one read editorials anyway.
3) I rolled up the local rag and threw it in the bin
two hallways further along. News was better delivered
by television screen.
@@Again, this is a matter of personal preference. And
it's certainly NOT the only way to do this. However,
IMO, it's easier to read.
1) Added "on the page" to make it clear that your
protagonist is reading. Otherwise there is no
reference for "it" (which I assume is the chunk just
above?)
you assume correctly, but i thought 'on the page' better left understood
2)Change tense to "present tense" and made it more
immediate. Simplified by deleting "the solution to our
print problems following" because I couldn't figure
out what that meant. Another "fix" would be to ADD
information to make that bit clear, but since I don't
know what you intended I simplified.
Deleted "influential" , IMO it doesn't quite fit as
written. (this is a very personal preference.
"influential" doesn't affect readability)
GP
3)Added "along", to make it clearer what your
protagonist was doing with the paper. Personally I'd
give the final sentence a little bite:
I rolled up the local rag and threw it in the bin two
hallways further along. Television was more honest,
anyway.
OR
Television was better, anyway.
OR
Television was honest.
i try not to make dirct references to television in this fic, merely because
of the very different context it is used in by such people as Zach DeLaRocha
(im a fan). if this is confusing, i suggest thinking about it just as
blaring advertisment, which Screw also distrusts.
of the state who were in
no way paid. Jutting skyscrapers at seventy-five
degree angles, domes and hollow spheres,
difficult to picture. Regardless, the elevator it was,
tarnished brass walls and the nearly tangible stink
of body odor. At the bottom I was glad to be off of
it.
@@ I'll repeat my comments. Too much or too little.
With the further comment that what you've written is
good, but the . . .timing . . .or perhaps presentation
is a better word . . .is jumbled.
{I'll also add that IMO first-person narrative is the
hardest of all to do.}
very true. ive also been told i dont describe *enough* physical elements,
and was trying to remedy that.
I think that any problems are easily solved with a
little editing.
EXAMPLE::
I had to use an express elevator to make my
appointment on time. I hate elevators---- I actually
considered walking thirteen flights to the basement
to avoid the fifty year old crates they had in all of
Neo-Goethic [sic] Downtown.
thank you for the [sic]
The architecture was intended to seamlessly combine
form with function. The form was ugly and the function
nonexistent, with faux-stone gargoyles cemented over
the cracks in the substandard buildings.
When the Mandate assumed power, work was done by
officially sanctioned laborers and wards of the state,
who didn't have to be paid.
Jutting skyscrapers at seventy-five degree angles,
domes and hollow spheres, difficult to picture.
Regardless, the elevator it was, tarnished brass walls
and the nearly tangible stink of body odor. At the
bottom I was glad to be off of it.
@@Again, NOT the only way to do this, and the example
is offered ONLY to illustrate a few points. Frankly
I'd shorten this entire section or eliminate it. Most
of the things you've introduced could be placed
further along in the narrative in smaller pieces,
rather than in one large chunk. Remember that
fanfiction is free and you've got thousand of
competitors. You've got to grab the reader quickly.
IMO, this is too slow.
HOWEVER . . .I've had the same complaints about some
of my stories (Bedlam Fire comes to mind. Some people
LOVED all the technical stuff I put in about planes,
tanks, etc. Other readers were board stiff and skipped
that part)
i completely understand the problem. i tried to keep the technical crap to a
minumum, but some is needed here and there in any kind of semi-futuristic
story
This is YOUR story, write what you want, the way you
want. If you try to write for other people you will
quickly become frustrated.
That said, some of the best writing I've ever done has
been for the AnimeFEST contest, because they have a
4,000 word limit. You quickly cut out the fat and
look for better word choice/order in order to make the
limit. Try going through your story, and for every
10,000 words, cut out 2,000 words. That's a number
based on how my word-counts have gone for AnimeFEST. I
normally have to cut 1,000 to 1500 words to make the
limit. ^_^
And it really makes a difference.
@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@
When the doors creaked open I stepped out into the
gray, stale hallway, and took a right. I had
been this way many times over the last four years. The
agreement had been a signed release form
pending my probation officer's statement of my
personal stability. He simply refused. So I had made
the appointments every month for four years to plead
my case. And though I would never admit it,
my case was pretty weak.
@@OK, this is good. IMO, I'd start the story here. Or,
perhaps take a _very_ little of the atmosphere from
the other stuff and mix it with this. JUST a little
bit though.^_*
never hear. They are
wallpaper. There is me, the car, and the Turbine.
The pontifical glory waiting for me. I wanted nothing
else and I had made it very clear.
@@MUCH better to start here. Good imagery, grab the
reader. I'd play a bit with this and the paragraph
above. Try different timing on introducing the bit
about probation. Perhaps start with the racing . .
.THEN, the probation, the more about the racing.
And "cyc" doesn't bring an image to mind. You might
want to find a substitute. But this is very good.
V. Tech slang for motorcycle? maybe im the only one...
@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@
<SNIP>
@@Well . . .A VERY good story. Or story fragment.
However, DELETE whatever that is you have at the
beginning and start with your protagonist (Screw?)
Turning right, or even thinking about racing. THAT is
where the story really starts. Quite frankly if I
hadn't decided to C&C this story (to start making up
for my long dry spell) I'd never have made it past the
first paragraph. Delete everything BEFORE::
"When the doors creaked open I stepped out into
the gray, stale hallway, and took a right."
(Including your little "author notes")
OK, admittedly you'll have to put in one or two
sentences to get "Screw" TO the "doors", but that's a
minor problem. Your story STARTS with this sentence
and everything before that, IMO, only hurts it.
Everything from that point on is wonderful. VERY good
job.
Looking forward to the rest.
thank you again. the writing hopefully gets better in the later chapters.
look for my c&c soon.
thanks, man.
"When I get a little money, I buy books;
And, if any is left, I buy food and clothes."-Erasmus
"A man is a small thing, and the night is large
and full of wonders." -Lord Dunsany
"Knowledge is sexy,
This will be pleasurable.
Knowledge is tortue,
This will be painful."
-jeff noon 'Vurt'
.---Anime/Manga Fanfiction Mailing List----.
| Administrators - ffml-admins@anifics.com |
| Unsubscribing - ffml-request@anifics.com |
| Put 'unsubscribe' in the subject |
`---- http://ffml.anifics.com/faq.txt -----'