SkyeFire@aol.com wrote:

          She crept across the room as quietly as possible, the
 pinkish-glow of the rising sun lighting her way.  Ranma slept, and she
 paused to admire the sweet innocence of his expression before reaching
 out and tapping him gently.

   Shouldn't be a dash in "pinkish glow.," I suspect.

Oops; will fix.

          Ranma shot up off the bed and furiously pushed dripping hair
 out of his eyes. "Pop! You-!" Ranma blinked in surprise. The paw holding
 the bucket didn't belong to Genma. "You're not Pop," Ranma said
 intelligently.

   For some reason, right up to this point I honestly expected either 
Shampoo-neko, one of the other girls converted to feline form, or just a 
plain ol' cat that somehow decided that Ranma was the perfect human to 
parasitize (hey, it could happen!).

Might make an interesting twist... an ordinary animal who everyone
mistakenly thinks is a transformed human. Not in this fic, though. :)

   Well, that's a new one.  I can't recall ever seeing a chimp in R.5 
before...no, wait, wasn't there one in the Martial Arts Tea Ceremony arc in 
the manga?
   Still, I think this is the first chimp-ified human, anyway.

Right on both counts.

           The chimp looked at them both pleadingly.  *It's me! ME!* she
 tried to scream, but unintelligible monkey-gibberish were the only
 sounds she could make. At this rate, she'd be stuck in this form the
 rest of her life! She wondered what the life-span of a chimpanzee was,
 anyway. *Ran-chan, you jackass....*

 
   "I swear, I'm never going to give Ryoga grief about his habits as P-chan 
again..."

RANMA: That's my job, anyway.
  

   Is this post-Herb?  If so, *someone* ought to have alarm bells going off 
in their head.  Then again, the R.5 cast never has been the most thoughtful 
bunch, have they?  Especially before breakfast.

No... we haven't picked a specific time frame for this fic, but it's
probably somewhere around vol. 21.
  

          "Really?" Kasumi smiled. "That sounds like it would come in
 handy. Think of all the money someone could save on clothes!"

   ....er.  I don't get it.  And that strikes me as a bit too oblivious, 
even for Kasumi.

Hm. We'll see if we can think of a more appropriate line here.

          "Indeed," Genma continued in his most ominous voice. "What sort
 of person would be heartless enough to destroy the life of this innocent
 young girl, merely to satisfy his own appetite for self-gratification?
 Who could be so irredeemably evil as to dabble in forces beyond human
 control, forces that could lead to untold disaster?"
          Everyone turned. "What?" Happosai said. "What are you all
 looking at?"

   Actually, I thought Genma was condemning himself out of his own mouth -- 
after all, Ukyou is probably the biggest single roadblock between Ranma and 
Akane.  She has a legit claim, and holds a place in Ranma's affections.

Maybe, but Genma is generally too lazy to bother actively solving a
problem. He just lets them accumulate onto Ranma. :)

          "Feh," Happosai said with a careless shrug. "What do you take
 me for, Ranma?" He fished through his bag for a moment and then proudly
 pulled out a particular set of briefs. "I stole her underwear two weeks
 ago!"

   Uh...but then, what's she been wearing in the meantime?  Oh, dammit, 
Ryoga, get a kleenex, fercryinoutloud!

UKYO: I *do* own more than one pair, you know....

HAPPOSAI: Really? In that case, I'll be right back.

          Kodachi's bone-chilling laughter rang out across the yard.
 "You'll not find the Black Rose an easy opponent!" she cried, lashing
 out with her ribbon. "And the amulet you speak of is not here. But I
 will find it, and I will take great pleasure in reducing you to a common
 street mouse, as befits your level of sophistication!"

   Hmmm...just a bit too quick on the decision to find the amulet, IMO.  
Maybe something like "...But your description intrigues me.  I think I will 
seek out this amulet for my own use, and if it is in fact as you describe, I 
will..."

We'll think about changing this.

          "Do not listen, brother," Kodachi said imperiously. "I, the
 Black Rose, am the rightful and proper one to possess the item in
 question!"

   Huh?  But she *knows* about the family ring.  Or has she forgotten, given 
the rush of events with Shampoo?

Yeah, and after Shamps referred to the amulet, she thought Tatchi was as
well. She knows about the ring, but it just didn't cross her mind.

   <snerk>  Well, that one's old as the hills.  But the classics never die.  
And it's just *so* perfectly Ryoga!  But I wonder: did Nabiki bother to brief 
him in before she started spinning her web -- er, yarn?

Probably not.

          "Now, that's more like it!' Nabiki said triumphantly.

   Single end quote, should be a double.

Oops. Will fix.

          "Uh, hocus presto, or something!" Gosunkugi cried, stepping out
 from behind the makeshift curtain with a flourish. "Ta da!" Nabiki and
 Ryoga stared for a minute at Gosunkugi in a Halloween mask.

   .....Mmm.  I dunno, that seemed just a bit weak.  But then again, this 
*is* Gos we're talking about here....

True. You're not the only one who wasn't completely happy with this bit,
but so far we haven't come up with anything better to replace it.

          "I've always treated women with respect," Mousse answered
 quietly but with some heat. "Unlike certain others I could name, Ranma."

   Well, that's mostly true.  Aside from glomping Shampoo, and kidnapping 
Akane and threatening her with duck-water...

MOUSSE: Do as I say, not as I do!

          So deep in thought was Ranma that he didn't notice that he was
 being watched. A strange feeling of uneasiness suddenly came over him.
 Get away, his instinct said, but it was too late. He felt himself
 shrinking, changing....

   So, like, what kind of range does this amulet have?

You'll see in the next chapter. :)

          Ranma let out an exclamation of surprise and shock, but only a
 squeal issued from his mouth. A quick check confirmed his suspicions to
 his horror. He'd been turned into a duplicate of Ryoga's pig form!
          "Bu-kee?"

   Ryoga:  <hysterical>  BWAHAHAHAHAHA!  There IS a God!  Karmic justice, at 
last!  Now all I need is--
   <THUNDER.  LIGHTNING.  DOWNPOUR.>
   "BweeEE!"  Translation:  "AAARRRGGHHH!!  WHY ME?!?!?!??"

AKANE: Oh! I can't believe it! TWO P-chans! Well, I'll just sleep with
this one over here....

RYOGA: "Ernk?" Translation: RANMA! How dare you!!

   But does Azusa really grasp what she's doing (the phrase "incompetent to 
stand trial" comes to mind)?  And if Amulette <shudder> can sap Ranma's will 
this way, how did Ukyou escape?  
   Doubtless, we'll discover this, and other terrible secrets, in the next 
thrilling episode of:  R.5: ANIMALS!  

Yup. :)
 
Thanks very much for the commentary!


Gary Kleppe
http://www.akane.org/gary/comics.html
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