In a message dated 7/30/01 11:27:52 AM Eastern Daylight Time,
kleppe@mediaone.net writes:
She crept across the room as quietly as possible, the
pinkish-glow of the rising sun lighting her way. Ranma slept, and she
paused to admire the sweet innocence of his expression before reaching
out and tapping him gently.
Shouldn't be a dash in "pinkish glow.," I suspect.
Ranma shot up off the bed and furiously pushed dripping hair
out of his eyes. "Pop! You-!" Ranma blinked in surprise. The paw holding
the bucket didn't belong to Genma. "You're not Pop," Ranma said
intelligently.
For some reason, right up to this point I honestly expected either
Shampoo-neko, one of the other girls converted to feline form, or just a
plain ol' cat that somehow decided that Ranma was the perfect human to
parasitize (hey, it could happen!).
The chimp stood staring for a moment, then began chittering
excitedly and waving the now-empty bucket as if trying desperately to
explain. Ranma gently pried the bucket away before the chimp could smack
him with it, and she clutched at his hand, struggling to speak.
Well, that's a new one. I can't recall ever seeing a chimp in R.5
before...no, wait, wasn't there one in the Martial Arts Tea Ceremony arc in
the manga?
Still, I think this is the first chimp-ified human, anyway.
The chimp looked at them both pleadingly. *It's me! ME!* she
tried to scream, but unintelligible monkey-gibberish were the only
sounds she could make. At this rate, she'd be stuck in this form the
rest of her life! She wondered what the life-span of a chimpanzee was,
anyway. *Ran-chan, you jackass....*
"I swear, I'm never going to give Ryoga grief about his habits as P-chan
again..."
Hiroshi pushed open the door to Ucchan's. "Are you sure this
place is open?"
Heh. Just in case "Ran-chan" wasn't enough.
"Relax, willya?" Daisuke scanned the menu poster on the wall.
"They'll be here in a few minutes."
Cue Ominous Thunder
hot water.... She turned the hot water tap just as Ranma and Akane came
barreling in behind her.
"Ranma, you don't think...?" Akane started. Ukyo held her
breath and jumped in. Nothing happened! She sat in the water, staring
dumbly at her furry body.
Uh...oh. Chisuiton?
"C'mon, chimp," Ranma said gently, helping Ukyo out of the tub.
"Let's get you dried off, and then we'll try to find out where you came
from." Ukyo stood quietly in a daze while Ranma toweled her off and led
her back toward his room. This would be the stuff of dreams, if only she
had a human body....
Hold it! There was no [beastiality] tag in the header!
Nabiki stepped out into the hallway, looking rumpled and
sleepy.
Yum. Huh? Oh, er, sorry...carry on.
"What does a normal chimp act like?" Nabiki asked without much
interest.
"How should I know?" Akane answered grumpily.
Well, you *did* ask for that one, Akane.
"It's just that,
for a minute there, I was sure it was a person with a Jusenkyo curse..."
"Yeah, but hot water didn't do nothin'," Ranma answered, then
began eating in earnest. He was starving, as usual, and he was also in a
hurry to be sure that the chimp wasn't trashing his room.
Is this post-Herb? If so, *someone* ought to have alarm bells going off
in their head. Then again, the R.5 cast never has been the most thoughtful
bunch, have they? Especially before breakfast.
Ukyo stared at the door as she heard the lock snick closed. Did
Ran-chan really think that could stop her? She waited for a few minutes
more, to be sure that everyone was headed downstairs for breakfast, then
she simply went out the way she had come in. It was easy, in her
chimpanzee body, to climb out the window and up onto the roof, and down
again to Nabiki's window.
I *am* surprised no one thought of *that,* though. The Tendo and Saotome
families must share low blood sugar, or something.
Luckily, it wasn't locked. Ukyo slipped into
the room and booted up the computer. It emitted a series of unnervingly
loud beeps as it slowly came to life, and Ukyo started to panic as she
heard noises in the hallway. She pulled up the word processing program
and had just started to type when Nabiki opened the door behind her and
let out a shriek of rage.
"What are you doing?!" Nabiki howled. Ukyo leaped out of the
way as Nabiki rushed to her computer.
"What is - how did you get out?" Ranma asked, shocked. Ukyo
leaped into his arms as Nabiki rounded on her.
"Saotome, how dare you? How dare you let that monkey into my
room?" Nabiki snarled. Akane slipped past Ranma and the chimp.
"Wait, Nabiki, was there any harm done?" Akane asked.
Nabiki glared at her sister. "It turned the computer on!"
Geez, and Nabs is supposed to be the *smart* one. Hello, Nabs, meet
ClueX4. ClueX4, meet Nabs...
"You never know, Ranma." Akane smirked. "Why don't you get it
to do your next paper for school?"
"Funny, Akane. After that, maybe it'll give you cooking
lessons!"
Akane blew up and grabbed the nearest heavy object to bash Ranma over the
head with. Unfortunately, that just happened to be Nabiki's computer.
"Oh my," said Kasumi, as Nabiki began tearing into Akane over how much it
would cost to repair her I-Mac. "I don't think I've ever seen a chimpanzee
cry over a computer before."
"Just look at..." Nabiki froze, her eyes going wide as she
stared at the screen. "Ranma, is this some kind of joke?"
"What?" said Ranma, stepping in close enough to read the words.
helpmeIm ukyo
Ah! The light dawns!
Ranma hmphed. "So? That ain't one of the great works."
.......or...not.
"So just what are we dealing with here, old ghoul?" Ranma asked
impatiently.
"An impertinent son-in-law, who refuses to show proper respect
for his elders," Cologne said with an irritated glare.
"Goodness!" Kasumi said. "That turned Ukyo into a chimpanzee?"
.....
.............
Okay, that tears it. Kasumi is AWARE, and is doing this deliberately.
No WAY could the be innocent! No way in heck. Uh-uh.
"Please, everyone," Soun said quietly. "Let's just get to the
bottom of this." He turned to Cologne. "Ma'am, if you could please tell
us what you know. Has Ukyo been given a Jusenkyo curse?"
I had a double take at this. Soun, keeping the meeting on track? Then
again, he's probably the only one who could (being the host and all), aside
from maybe Nabiki.
"No," Cologne said after a moment's pause. "I sense a magical
aura about this animal, one of magical transformation. A Jusenkyo curse
would not leave such an obvious signature."
Cologne seemed to give herself a mental shake, then continued
as if nothing had happened. "There are rumors," the old woman said.
"Rumors of an ancient amulet with the power of bestiamorphism -- the
transformation of human beings into animals. Some say that it originally
belonged to the Greek sorceress Circe."
Homer: D'oh!
"Really?" Kasumi smiled. "That sounds like it would come in
handy. Think of all the money someone could save on clothes!"
....er. I don't get it. And that strikes me as a bit too oblivious,
even for Kasumi.
"This is very serious, Kasumi." Soun's expression hardened. "If
we don't find out who it is that has this artifact, we could all very
soon end up as lions, tigers and bears."
"Oh, my!"
"The time has come," Soun intoned grimly, "to speak of many things. Of
magics dark, and magics foul, of cabbages and kings--"
Cologne leaped to her stick, screaming "Orf wiv 'is 'ead!" as she
launched herself at Soun...
"Who would be reckless enough to mess around with black magic?"
Ryoga asked quietly. "And cowardly enough to attack a woman from
behind?"
You and Ukyou, in the haunted cave, maybe?
"Indeed," Genma continued in his most ominous voice. "What sort
of person would be heartless enough to destroy the life of this innocent
young girl, merely to satisfy his own appetite for self-gratification?
Who could be so irredeemably evil as to dabble in forces beyond human
control, forces that could lead to untold disaster?"
Everyone turned. "What?" Happosai said. "What are you all
looking at?"
Actually, I thought Genma was condemning himself out of his own mouth --
after all, Ukyou is probably the biggest single roadblock between Ranma and
Akane. She has a legit claim, and holds a place in Ranma's affections.
Then again, I still think it could be Genma. Although it seems unlike
him to do it out of the blue; he's lazy enough to require some kind of
trigger event to push him over the edge...
"People, use your heads," Nabiki said archly. "Do you honestly
think that *he* would turn a lovely young woman like Ukyo into that?"
She gestured toward the chimp, who hid her face in her hands.
Hey! There was no [beastiality] tag....oh, wait, I used that one already.
"He might." Ranma tossed a glare at Happosai. "To steal her
underwear, yeah!"
"Feh," Happosai said with a careless shrug. "What do you take
me for, Ranma?" He fished through his bag for a moment and then proudly
pulled out a particular set of briefs. "I stole her underwear two weeks
ago!"
Uh...but then, what's she been wearing in the meantime? Oh, dammit,
Ryoga, get a kleenex, fercryinoutloud!
The chimp shrieked, and flattened the old pervert with the
dining room table.
"Goodness," said Kasumi. "That table certainly has many
uses..."
Now THAT's classic Kasumi. You know, whoever the Tendos get their
furniture from, I need to get a catalog. Stuff is damn near Kryptonian...
Shampoo gave up on the subtle approach and lunged at Kodachi,
who nimbly dodged out of the way. "You got amulet here with power to
turn person into animal!" Shampoo shouted. "Shampoo take from you after
defeat you!"
Kodachi's bone-chilling laughter rang out across the yard.
"You'll not find the Black Rose an easy opponent!" she cried, lashing
out with her ribbon. "And the amulet you speak of is not here. But I
will find it, and I will take great pleasure in reducing you to a common
street mouse, as befits your level of sophistication!"
Hmmm...just a bit too quick on the decision to find the amulet, IMO.
Maybe something like "...But your description intrigues me. I think I will
seek out this amulet for my own use, and if it is in fact as you describe, I
will..."
"You lie!" Shampoo cried shrilly as she leaped to dodge the
ribbon. The Amazon landed lightly in an attack position, and she and the
Black Rose circled each other warily, sizing each other up.
"Wa ha ha ha!" cried a male voice nearby, startling both
combatants. "It's here!"
Too easy. This has got to be a setup...
Both siblings had frantically searched for the ring, to no
avail...until now. After six weeks of exploding coconuts, Tatewaki had
the Kuno family ring!
I knew it. And since it's a ring, it couldn't be the amulet...could it?
Surely no woman could resist it! Akane Tendo would
be his at last! Or he could give it to the pig-tailed girl. Oh, the
agony of choice! He had but one ring; how could he decide?
Kuno, Solomon. Solomon, Kuno. Have fun, guys.
Shampoo and Kodachi crashed through the door and burst into the
room.
"Aiya!" Shampoo cried. "You got it? Shampoo want! You give it
to Shampoo?"
Classic Takahashi misunderstanding...
"You want me to give it to you?" Tatewaki asked, surprised.
Then again, why should she not? Was he not the Blue Thunder, he who
struck fear into the hearts of his foes and inspired passionate love in
the hearts of all women?
Yep, you've certainly got Kuno's thought processes nailed down.
"Shampoo know you could turn her into animal if you want," the
Amazon said quietly, hoping that he would just hand over the amulet
peacefully instead.
"Indeed," Tatewaki answered solemnly. Clearly, tales of his
prowess had spread far and wide.
Dammit, there was no [beastiality].....okay, okay, I'll work on something
more original.
"Do not listen, brother," Kodachi said imperiously. "I, the
Black Rose, am the rightful and proper one to possess the item in
question!"
Huh? But she *knows* about the family ring. Or has she forgotten, given
the rush of events with Shampoo?
"Oh?" Tatewaki raised an eyebrow at her. "I should just turn it
over to you? Was I not the one who located it?"
"Yes," Kodachi answered, gritting her teeth and trying to sound
patient. "But you have not the vision necessary to properly exploit it."
"And how would you utilize it?" Tatewaki asked hotly, clutching
the ring tighter in his fist. "On that cretinous Ranma Saotome?"
Kodachi stifled a giggle. "Oh, no. My first target would be
none other than this insufferable, savage peasant girl!"
"Why, sister," Tatewaki said in surprise, "I never suspected!
Still, it is no concern of mine. You may enter into a love affair with
this girl if such is your desire.
Hmmm...someone *must* have done this one, at some point. Yo, someone get
me the Lemon 'fic Directory!
I shall, however, retain possession of
this, the Kuno family ring," he cried, holding the ring aloft to admire
the way it caught the light. "My 'vision' is quite clear. I, Tatewaki
Kuno, will with this ring win the favor of the most lovely Akane Tendo.
Or will it be the pig-tailed girl?" he mused, wandering off.
Shampoo and Kodachi stared dumbly at Tatewaki's back as he
stalked off, then turned to look at each other.
Well, at least they were able to realize the difference between the ring
and the amulet.
"Shampoo NOT date with you!" the Amazon announced, before
leaving quickly.
Oooookay, Kodachi's not the only one who's lost track of things.
Kodachi stared at the empty doorway for a long moment after
Shampoo had left. "I am NOT the crazy one," she said quietly.
Well...at this precise moment, maybe not. At least, not the *most*
crazy. But don't worry, you'll get over it.
Ryoga nodded his head in assent just as Gosunkugi opened the
door. Gosunkugi's eyes widened in horror as he realized who it was, and
Nabiki jammed her foot against the door before he could close it. "Uh,
I'll have the money by Friday, I promise!" Gosunkugi cried, throwing his
feeble arms up to protect his face.
Yeah, that seems like an appropriate reaction to finding Nabiki on one's
doorstep.
owed her. "We're on the committee organizing the next annual Furinkan
High School talent show competition."
"You are?" Gosunkugi asked.
"We are?" Ryoga echoed.
"Yes, we are," Nabiki answered, poking Ryoga in the ribs with
her elbow.
<snerk> Well, that one's old as the hills. But the classics never die.
And it's just *so* perfectly Ryoga! But I wonder: did Nabiki bother to brief
him in before she started spinning her web -- er, yarn?
"I understand that you're something of an amateur magician,"
Nabiki continued, poking Ryoga again. "Have you got any tricks that
would impress Akane?"
Nabiki: Note to self: buy elbow guards. Ryoga's ribs are harder than
his head!
"Well, I can do some card tricks, or the disappearing coin
trick..." Gosunkugi's answer trailed off as Nabiki stifled a yawn, "...
or I could show her the ball in the cup..."
Ryoga grabbed Gosunkugi by the shirt collar and lifted him off
the ground. "If you even think of showing Akane your -"
"Ryoga, kiddo," Nabiki said, smoothly laying a hand on his arm
to guide it back down. "That's not what he meant." Ryoga sheepishly set
Gosunkugi down, and Nabiki had to hide another smirk. The Lost Boy had
no idea how well he was playing into her little plan.
Oooh, yeah. That's the Ryoga we all know and want to medicate...
Nabiki turned back
to the nervous would-be magician. "Haven't you got anything a little
more impressive?"
"Er, well, there is one I could do..." Gosunkugi said
hesitantly. At Nabiki's encouraging nod, he added, "A sort of
metamorphosis, a transformation of man into beast."
Nuh-uh. Too easy again. And besides...*Gos*? Even if he had the spine,
why would he go after *Ukyo*?
Of course, if he *does* have the amulet, I suspect Gos is bright enough
to figure out why they've come to see him. And just sneaky enough to be
dangerous. Careless, Nabs, careless...remember, it's always the quiet little
so-and-so's that you have to watch out for.
"Now, that's more like it!' Nabiki said triumphantly.
Single end quote, should be a double.
"Demonstrate it for us, will you? Ryoga here will volunteer."
"I will?" Ryoga gasped, wide-eyed.
"Yes, you will," Nabiki said firmly.
<snicker> And again, and again...
"Uh, ok..." said Gosunkugi, handing a big cloth to Ryoga. "Hold
this..."
Ryoga held the cloth up so Gosunkugi couldn't be seen. Various
odd sounds and a few "abracadabras" could be heard behind the cloth, and
Ryoga started to look decidedly green around the gills.
C'mon, Ryouga, a good stage magician never attacks his props.
"Uh, hocus presto, or something!" Gosunkugi cried, stepping out
from behind the makeshift curtain with a flourish. "Ta da!" Nabiki and
Ryoga stared for a minute at Gosunkugi in a Halloween mask.
.....Mmm. I dunno, that seemed just a bit weak. But then again, this
*is* Gos we're talking about here....
Mousse was wiping down tables at the Nekohanten when Ranma
found him. Could he be the one, Ranma wondered? It seemed unlikely.
Mousse would have wanted to attack him, not Ucchan. On the other hand,
with his eyesight, who was to say he would've known who he was
attacking?
Good point.
A plan. Ranma needed to think of a plan to get Mousse to spill
what he knew, if anything.
"Yo, Mousse. Level with me, man. Did you find this thingamajig
that turns people into animals? Maybe accidentally used it on Ucchan?"
*Oh, REALLY brilliant plan there,* Ranma said to himself.
Oh, yeah -- I'm flashing on those conversations Homer Simpson has with
his brain...
"I've always treated women with respect," Mousse answered
quietly but with some heat. "Unlike certain others I could name, Ranma."
Well, that's mostly true. Aside from glomping Shampoo, and kidnapping
Akane and threatening her with duck-water...
"Now waitaminute..." Ranma began.
"Someday Shampoo will see that I'm the better man, Ranma. I've
treated her with dignity and respect while you've taken advantage of
her. I don't need to turn you into an animal. You need to be turned into
a human being!"
"What, and lose all the Wild Stallion qualities that make the broads
crazy for me?"
[Beastiality]....oh, never mind.
"Stupid jerk!" Ranma snapped, and then stalked out of the room.
He had a plan now. If Mousse wanted Shampoo, it was Shampoo he would
get.
Say what?
A short time later, Mousse again saw someone enter the
Nekohanten. Even without his glasses he saw that it was obviously a
female, clad in a skin-tight classical Chinese dress. "Shampoo?" he
called, searching for his glasses.
Ranma quickly plucked the glasses off of Mousse's forehead,
grinning at the nearly-blind Martial Artist. "Mousse," she breathed in
her best imitation of Shampoo's voice. "Darling!"
Well, THIS is new.
"D-darling?!?" Mousse stammered.
"You're...er," Ranma pulled a face before finishing the line,
"you only man for m- for Shampoo!"
"Do you mean it?" Mousse asked excitedly, wrapping his arms
around Ranma. Ranma squeezed Mousse hard enough to make his ribs creak.
"Tell Shampoo where is transformation thing," Ranma said
huskily.
Yeah, Mousse would fall for this.
Just then Akane entered. "What are you doing?!?" she yelled,
her face reddening.
"Aiya!" said Ranma, squirming out of Mousse's embrace. "Is
uncute, violent tomboy come to take Mousse away from Shampoo!"
"Ranma..." Akane growled.
"Is no here!" Ranma moved to put Mousse between herself and
Akane. "This Mousse. Maybe violent girl need glasses?"
"I've HAD it with you, Ranma!" Akane cried, trying to grab at
Ranma.
Yep...Akane and Ryoga, charter members of "We Don't Pick Up On Clues"
Anonymous. Good grief, talk about your green-eyed demon -- no, wait, that's
a Yonge fic...
"Not my Ranma," Ranma said, wincing at his own words. "Now is
your Ranma. Mousse is my Mousse."
And if Akane had only caught that line....sigh.
Akane made a sudden grab and caught
him by the arm, and started dragging him out to the kitchen. The glasses
fell unnoticed from Ranma's hand.
"Mousse!" Ranma cried, "Give transformation thing to Shampoo so
she can deal with uncute girl!" Akane splashed hot water on Ranma and
Gotta say, Ranma was really trying. Improv, and again, and again, right
up until:
then threw him through the wall just as the real Shampoo entered.
"But...I don't have it!" Mousse cried in answer, taking a step
forward. His glasses crunched underfoot, and Mousse winced.
Another false lead. I knew it.
"Aiya!" Shampoo said.
"Oh, Shampoo!" Mousse cried, rushing over to her at the sound
of her voice. "I'm so glad you finally love me!"
"What you talking?" she said crossly, kicking him away. "Stupid
Mousse!"
Kuno: Yes, kick away that blind cretin, for it is only *I*, the Blue
Thunder, who can reduce you to [beastiality] with my irresistable animal
magnetism!
Ranma limped toward the Tendo house, intent on soaking some of
his aches away in the bath. The remains of the dress hung in shreds
around him, so he was taking a side street in the hopes that nobody
would catch him wandering around in his underwear. "I wonder who DID
transform Ukyo, if Mousse didn't do it," he mumbled to himself.
Cue Jaws Music.
So deep in thought was Ranma that he didn't notice that he was
being watched. A strange feeling of uneasiness suddenly came over him.
Get away, his instinct said, but it was too late. He felt himself
shrinking, changing....
So, like, what kind of range does this amulet have?
Ranma let out an exclamation of surprise and shock, but only a
squeal issued from his mouth. A quick check confirmed his suspicions to
his horror. He'd been turned into a duplicate of Ryoga's pig form!
"Bu-kee?"
Ryoga: <hysterical> BWAHAHAHAHAHA! There IS a God! Karmic justice, at
last! Now all I need is--
<THUNDER. LIGHTNING. DOWNPOUR.>
"BweeEE!" Translation: "AAARRRGGHHH!! WHY ME?!?!?!??"
A figure glided up on roller-skates and scooped up the new
P-chan lookalike. "You're so cute now, Charlene! Come home with Azusa!
Soon you'll have lots and lots more little friends to play with!
Oh, crap.
"You did such a good job of helping Charlene, Amulette!" Azusa
continued, holding her possession up to see it catch the sun's rays.
Ranma stared at the Amulet in her grip, and he felt his free will
slipping away...
But does Azusa really grasp what she's doing (the phrase "incompetent to
stand trial" comes to mind)? And if Amulette <shudder> can sap Ranma's will
this way, how did Ukyou escape?
Doubtless, we'll discover this, and other terrible secrets, in the next
thrilling episode of: R.5: ANIMALS!
Hiroshi's stomach growled as he stared at the clock. "Sure is
taking them a long time to take our order."
"Yo, man, this isn't Ucchan's, this is Godot's."
(last classical reference, I promise)
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