From: "Aescension" <mamiller@vt.edu>
To: <ffml@anifics.com>
Subject: [FFML] They Walk In Light
Date: Fri, 27 Jul 2001 21:07:34 -0400
Hi,
sorry this is late, but the formatting came out funny
at my end and I've been trying to fix it.
Not much luck, but it's a little better now.
You might want to check your word-wrap.
My comments @@
The following is ONLY my opinion. Take what you find
useful and ignore the rest.
(BTW, I C&C'd as I read. Having read the entire thing
now . . .VERY good story, with one serious problem
that's easily fixed. (slow beginning) Other than that,
very well done.)
Konichiwhazzap!
(my apologies to anyone who coined that before me)
Hello, I'm a long time lurker and first time poster,
though I have written many fics before for
websites.
<SNIP>
@@IMO long explanatory introductions are counter
productive. Let the story speak for itself. Author
notes and comments should come at the end. And it's
helpful if you put the series (in this case [ORIG]) in
the subject line.
They Walk In Light
A Carnal Acquiescence of Racing and the Id
Part 1 Rapture
December, 1100 A.D.
"Our blood? Our fault? I've been far too sympathetic."
-Maynard James Keenan
The Independent Press, Friday
<SNIP>
@@Wheeeew . . .I really can't make too many
suggestions about that part since I have absolutely no
idea what you (as writer) were trying to do, or what
your character (if that was who was narrating) was
trying to do. The last time I saw something like that
was in German class, with a single sentence that was
about three pages long. My best suggestion is to cut
about 2/3 of that, and break the remainder into small
paragraphs.
HOWEVER . . .this is a purely personal stance. I don't
much like James Joyce or S.King, but they're both very
popular authors. In this case I tried three or four
times to read this, but my eyes kept glazing over. At
the very least, break it into paragraphs. (those may
have been lost in posting.)
1
As I sat there trying to put it back together, the
sentence elegantly flipped and twisted away
from English;
@@The very way I felt about the beginning. Which leads
me to suspect that your beginning was something being
read by your protagonist? The problem was that as a
reader of your story I'm tempted to do as your
protagonist and chuck the thing (unread) into an ash
can.
However, IF this is what you were trying to do, you
don't have to give _your_ reader that enormous chunk
of indigestible prose. Just few sentences, and a
little more description to let your readers know that
1] this is part of something that your protagonist is
reading
2]it's supposed to be unintelligible
then get on with the story.
@@@@@@
the cheap ink they had used had come streaming down
the page after only a few
minutes in a light rain. Blackish drops pecked my
shoes. So much for the solution to our print problems
following our government's last-second resuscitation
of the press. I was uninterested, no one
influential read editorials anyway. I rolled up the
local rag and threw it in the bin two hallways
further. News was better delivered by television
screen.
@@Hmmm . . .either too much information or too little.
EXAMPLE:
1) As I sat there trying to put it back together, the
sentence [on the page] elegantly flipped and twisted
away from English.
2) The cheap ink they used came streaming down the
page after only a minute in the rain; blackish drops
pecked my shoes. So much for our government's
last-second resuscitation of the press. I was
uninterested, no one read editorials anyway.
3) I rolled up the local rag and threw it in the bin
two hallways further along. News was better delivered
by television screen.
@@Again, this is a matter of personal preference. And
it's certainly NOT the only way to do this. However,
IMO, it's easier to read.
1) Added "on the page" to make it clear that your
protagonist is reading. Otherwise there is no
reference for "it" (which I assume is the chunk just
above?)
2)Change tense to "present tense" and made it more
immediate. Simplified by deleting "the solution to our
print problems following" because I couldn't figure
out what that meant. Another "fix" would be to ADD
information to make that bit clear, but since I don't
know what you intended I simplified.
Deleted "influential" , IMO it doesn't quite fit as
written. (this is a very personal preference.
"influential" doesn't affect readability)
3)Added "along", to make it clearer what your
protagonist was doing with the paper. Personally I'd
give the final sentence a little bite:
I rolled up the local rag and threw it in the bin two
hallways further along. Television was more honest,
anyway.
OR
Television was better, anyway.
OR
Television was honest.
@@@@
I had to use an express elevator (I hate elevators)
to find the thirteenth basement floor and
my appointment. Though I was unquestionably late, I
had actually considered taking thirteen flights
of stairs to avoid the unreliable fifty year old
crates they had in all of Neo-Goethic Downtown.
The architecture was intended to seamlessly combine
form with function, but the form was still
unambiguously Vogue. It just meant that ugly,
semi-stone gargoyles had been erected all over the
city's exterior in an attempt to cover design flaws
and structural damage. When the Mandate decided it
had assumed enough power to take control of all
building construction, it hadn't required any
outside contractors. The work was left to sanctioned
laborers and other wards of the state who were in
no way paid. Jutting skyscrapers at seventy-five
degree angles, domes and hollow spheres,
difficult to picture. Regardless, the elevator it was,
tarnished brass walls and the nearly tangible stink
of body odor. At the bottom I was glad to be off of
it.
@@ I'll repeat my comments. Too much or too little.
With the further comment that what you've written is
good, but the . . .timing . . .or perhaps presentation
is a better word . . .is jumbled.
{I'll also add that IMO first-person narrative is the
hardest of all to do.}
I think that any problems are easily solved with a
little editing.
EXAMPLE::
I had to use an express elevator to make my
appointment on time. I hate elevators---- I actually
considered walking thirteen flights to the basement
to avoid the fifty year old crates they had in all of
Neo-Goethic [sic] Downtown.
The architecture was intended to seamlessly combine
form with function. The form was ugly and the function
nonexistent, with faux-stone gargoyles cemented over
the cracks in the substandard buildings.
When the Mandate assumed power, work was done by
officially sanctioned laborers and wards of the state,
who didn't have to be paid.
Jutting skyscrapers at seventy-five degree angles,
domes and hollow spheres, difficult to picture.
Regardless, the elevator it was, tarnished brass walls
and the nearly tangible stink of body odor. At the
bottom I was glad to be off of it.
@@Again, NOT the only way to do this, and the example
is offered ONLY to illustrate a few points. Frankly
I'd shorten this entire section or eliminate it. Most
of the things you've introduced could be placed
further along in the narrative in smaller pieces,
rather than in one large chunk. Remember that
fanfiction is free and you've got thousand of
competitors. You've got to grab the reader quickly.
IMO, this is too slow.
HOWEVER . . .I've had the same complaints about some
of my stories (Bedlam Fire comes to mind. Some people
LOVED all the technical stuff I put in about planes,
tanks, etc. Other readers were board stiff and skipped
that part)
This is YOUR story, write what you want, the way you
want. If you try to write for other people you will
quickly become frustrated.
That said, some of the best writing I've ever done has
been for the AnimeFEST contest, because they have a
4,000 word limit. You quickly cut out the fat and
look for better word choice/order in order to make the
limit. Try going through your story, and for every
10,000 words, cut out 2,000 words. That's a number
based on how my word-counts have gone for AnimeFEST. I
normally have to cut 1,000 to 1500 words to make the
limit. ^_^
And it really makes a difference.
@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@
When the doors creaked open I stepped out into the
gray, stale hallway, and took a right. I had
been this way many times over the last four years. The
agreement had been a signed release form
pending my probation officer's statement of my
personal stability. He simply refused. So I had made
the appointments every month for four years to plead
my case. And though I would never admit it,
my case was pretty weak.
@@OK, this is good. IMO, I'd start the story here. Or,
perhaps take a _very_ little of the atmosphere from
the other stuff and mix it with this. JUST a little
bit though.^_*
I wanted back in, just like every ex-driver and
civilians who have never strapped on a carbon
helmet. I watched the races on screen whenever they
were broadcast. I rode my cyc past the red line
wherever I went. I wanted back in so bad that I'd wake
up in the middle of the night thinking it
was the morning of the Gold Cup; I'd put on my gear,
grab my helmet, and stride confidently out of
my apartment, only to be thrown back into reality when
all I saw was the door across the hall,
cracked as usual, with that rhythmic bass flowing from
within. I didn't do this a lot, but enough
that the woman down the hall had noticed me a few
times just standing there, looking at my palms, and
had found the courtesy not to say anything.
Remembering the helmet brought me back to the heat,
the dust, the smell of oil, and the screeching of pure
nitrous engines. It was the loudest noise I
had ever heard and during a race there is nothing
else. The crowd opens their mouths mutely, in a
pantomime of a cheer I'll never hear. They are
wallpaper. There is me, the car, and the Turbine.
The pontifical glory waiting for me. I wanted nothing
else and I had made it very clear.
@@MUCH better to start here. Good imagery, grab the
reader. I'd play a bit with this and the paragraph
above. Try different timing on introducing the bit
about probation. Perhaps start with the racing . .
.THEN, the probation, the more about the racing.
And "cyc" doesn't bring an image to mind. You might
want to find a substitute. But this is very good.
@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@
<SNIP>
@@Well . . .A VERY good story. Or story fragment.
However, DELETE whatever that is you have at the
beginning and start with your protagonist (Screw?)
Turning right, or even thinking about racing. THAT is
where the story really starts. Quite frankly if I
hadn't decided to C&C this story (to start making up
for my long dry spell) I'd never have made it past the
first paragraph. Delete everything BEFORE::
"When the doors creaked open I stepped out into
the gray, stale hallway, and took a right."
(Including your little "author notes")
OK, admittedly you'll have to put in one or two
sentences to get "Screw" TO the "doors", but that's a
minor problem. Your story STARTS with this sentence
and everything before that, IMO, only hurts it.
Everything from that point on is wonderful. VERY good
job.
Looking forward to the rest.
=====
"When I get a little money, I buy books;
And, if any is left, I buy food and clothes."-Erasmus
"A man is a small thing, and the night is large
and full of wonders." -Lord Dunsany
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