Catching up on my C&C....

"Arthur Hansen" <arthurh@utah-inter.net> wrote:

"I should have done this a long time ago, Sinestro!" the
middle aged man in the green and black uniform spat into the
face of his near-human adversary. His brown hair had
sideburns of gray know, but his body still showed the

know -> now	(typo)

Sinestro merely tried to grunt, but the chokehold that he
was being held in didn't make that possible. The maroon
colored alien tried to break free. Suddenly he felt his

maroon-colored

The grim faced human looked down on the greatest foe that

grim-faced

He barely spared a glance at the diminutive blue skinned

blue-skinned

"Or course of action is clear," said the first Guardian of

Or -> Our

the universe.

"Who shall we choose?" asked another of the blue skinned,
white haired diminutive humanoids.

"Whom shall we...

Blue-skinned and white-haired should both be hyphenated. (Look for this
sort of thing elsewhere.)

"Guanthet!" said a third.

In the original, this guy's name was Ganthet. Of course, in this
alternate version, they may well have selected a different guardian for
this job.

Without warning, light erupted from the twenty foot tall
lantern, glowing brighter and brighter, until the statuesque
symbol of the Green Lantern Corps. exploded.

Take out the period after Corps. (It's not an abberviation.)

Switch now to a different locale and the young girl sitting

This narration is rather talky. You might just want to say something
like:

At a different locale, a young girl sat...

Or just eliminate the "different locale" altogether. It's understood
that the scene break can take us to a different place.

on the back steps of a traditional Japanese dojo. Her short
hair and  sweat covered gi spoke volumes of her
untraditional outlook on life, mixed equally with a proud
tradition as evidenced by the traditional dojo.

Four instances of "traditional" in the same paragraph. Try to reword
this so it's not so repetitive.

"Of course I am!" Akane snapped, her earlier irritation
rising up. "You don't have to watch over me all the time!"

"What? I ain't doing nothing of the sort! I just thought
somebody had kidnapped you again!" Ranma snapped.

Actually, she doesn't get kidnapped all that often in the manga.

How do I get rid of the outfit? Akane thought panickly. Her
sudden surge of will turned off the outfit, leaving her back
in her normal sleeping clothes. "That was easy!"

"Akane!" Maybe he should just open the window and go in?

"Ranma! What do you think you are doing?" Akane asked, her
temper flaring as she flung open the drapes and window.

If she does this, it's either because (1) she's mad at him for something
that happened earlier -- which doesn't seem to be the case, or (2) she
thinks he's coming into her room for the wrong reasons. If (2) is the
case, then it would be more believable if Ranma just barged in without
announcing himself.

"I was just on the roof, um, watching the stars. It's not
like I'd want to peep on your dorky body any ways!" Ranma

"anyways" is one word.

"You don't sound very sure. So, you're a newby. Well, I'm

I think that's usually spelled "newbie."

Dr. Light flashed across the bay, worry etched on her face.
How had Midnight Psycho learned about the shipment of
equipment for S.T.A.R. labs? And more importantly, how had
learned of the fifteen grams of anti-matter that it carried?

how had he learned	(missing word)

"Uh, yes." Dr. Light was taken back by the awed reaction.
"So you're one of the Green Lanterns Corps?"

"Corps? I'm afraid I don't know what you're talking about?"

AKANE: I'm no corpse. I'm a living person!

"Hmm. I think that life might just have become more
interesting her in Tokyo." Dr. Light shrugged and turned

her -> here

Ranma set his fianc,e down a good distance away. "I don't

fiancee

know who you are, but nobody attacks Akane and gets away
with it!" Ranma leaped the entire distance, a perfect leap
kick that barely moved the superhuman jugernaught.

juggernaut.

Behind both of them, Akane fumbled with locket, opening it

with the locket, or with her locket

"I have already slain the green lantern. I will not be

Green Lantern.	(capitalize, as it's the name of a specific group)

"You asked for it! Hiryo Shotan HA!" the pig-tailed martial

That's spelled "hiryu shoten ha".

"Come on, Akane. Like that mask really hides much of your
face."

Heh.

"Perhaps it would be better to continue this someplace more
private?" the Martian Manhunter interrupted suddenly.

"Huh?" The popping of flash bulbs from cameras caught all of
their attention. "Oh! Uh, bye!" Akane rocketed into the air
and out of sight.

Is this sort of thing really unusual enough in Nerima to attract the
press? Doesn't seem that much more visible than, say, a Ranma/Ryoga
fight.

Noting this, Martian Manhunter decided to follow the martial
artists. Flying silently above the transmogrified martial
artist, the green alien that had become one of Earth's
greatest defenders, followed silently. He had become quite

Don't need that last comma.

With that, their invisible and mysterious watcher floated
away. There was a high school near by. The heroically

nearby.

muscled alien landed nearby and shifted his form as easily
as most people combed their hair. In moments, Yuchiro
Takata, reputable businesswoman walked into the halls of

businesswoman, walked

Furinkan High School.

"Excuse me, could you direct me to the Principles office? I

principal's

She followed the directions, being shocked at the realistic
panorama of the Hawaiian beach. "Uh, excuse me. Are you
the... Principle?" she inquired of the brightly colored man

No, he's the principal. :) (Correct this throughout.)

lying on a lounge chair. He seemed to have a palm tree
growing out of the top of his head.

"Yo got it! How can I help a pretty kiki like you?"

That's spelled keiki (meaning kid(s)), but "wahine" (meaning
woman/women) would seem more appropriate.

"Ten million yen? Heya, I recognize you. Furinkan would be
honored to have you join our facility."

faculty, he probably means.

Ranma and Akane glared at each other across the open aisle
in the class room. Neither would remember who had started

classroom.

Yuchiro shook her head in amazement. They both had good
hearts, it was terribly obvious. And to a telepath of her
caliber, their suppressed love was even shown. So why did
they act so horribly to each other? "All right, class. I
want you to finish reading chapter two in preparation for
the quiz on Monday."

I very much doubt that Jonzz has the time to drop everything else and
start working as a teacher. More likely he'd ask to enlist Ranma and
Akane in some sort of "work-study" program whereby they're supposedly
going to work for "Yuchiro's" company, but are actually fighting crime
and such.

"Where Green Lantern!" he yelled out again. You could almost
hear his frustration.

Refering to "you" is bad form. As a writer, you want to create the
illusion that the story is actually happening, unfolding in the reader's
mind. Nothing spoils this quite like talking directly to the reader.
Suggest: Akane could almost hear (or) One could almost hear

A maroon, hulking figure released the bleeding and bruised
body from his grasp, her arm's bones twisted cruelly and
showing thru tears in the skin. "Finally, someone who speaks
a real language! You, Green Lantern, I'm here for that ring.
Give it to me and I won't kill you!" His hand glowed with
strange energies. His interrogation hadn't been working too
well with the young house wife, anyways. He'd hoped for more

housewife, anyway.

time alone to get the information he needed.

"Kasumi! You... bastard!" Her will formed a mighty,

KASUMI: Oh my. I'm a bastard?

SOUN: I was going to tell you on your twenty-first birthday....

She ducked to the side and attempted to blast him with the
ring while punching, trying to increase the blows power. The

blows' power. (i.e. the power of the blows)

"Back off or Die!" Major Force warned in very poor Japanese.

Die isn't a proper name, so don't capitalize it.

"Way too slow, jerk!" Ranma crowed, merely flowing around
the attack. A lifetime's training, a will indominatible
formed within his cupped hands. "Mouko Takabishi!" he
shouted out, throwing one of the largest ki blasts of his
life. These super-villains were just too tough to take out
with mere punchs!

punches

"Crap. I found a glowing green rock behind the dojo after
you found the ring! Maybe it can fix it! It's under the
center of the dojo!" Ranma yelled back, barely dodging

Gah. That's rather a large leap of logic there. :/

Ranma whistled from the side. The pure power of that ring
was amazing. Ranma winced Akane blasted the man again and

Ranma winced as Akane

or

Ranma winced. Akane

"Stop!" a diamond hard voice commanded. "He's beaten."
Floating majestically, the Martian Manhunter's presence was
a tangible thing, demanding obedience.

Gee, thanks for showing up once everything's all over, J'onn. :/

In just a few moments Kasumi's skin was unblemished with any
wound, the only sign that she'd been hurt had been blood

Replace "had been" with "were" (the stains are presumably still on the
dress after she's healed)

Ranma reached out carefully, putting his hand on Akane's
shoulder. The young girl's snapped to meet his own, wild and
unsure. With the precision of a wrestling takedown, she
latched onto her fianc, like he was the most important thing

fiance

"What? Oh, Nabiki! I had the most horrid dream. I dreamed a
mean man made out of purple metal was hurting me!" Kasumi
said as she shook herself awake.

KASUMI: Oh, and he killed Father and stuffed his dead body into the
closet. Thank goodness it was only a dream!

"He was looking for the Green Lantern," Akane said softly,
not releasing her fianc,. "There's no Green Lantern here

fiance.

Her room was suddenly lit up an ethereal emerald hue. "Green
Lantern." The strangely garbed blonde Caucasian was looking

blond	(the "e" is generally only used for women)

"I can go thru things? Hey, wait up!" she called out,

through

"No!" she screamed just a consciousness fled her battered

just as

"Say, what are you doing in that Green Lantern getup?" Ranma
asked, turning his head to look at her closely.

"Dummy! I am Green Lantern, now!"

So Ranma lost his memory of Akane's being GL because of some Zero Hour
time-shift thing? Or do I need to read your next post to find that out?
:)

I presume this is going to continue? You might want to mark it as
chapter 1 of (however many) so people know it's not a one-shot.

All in all, I think this has potential. Try not to stick too closely to
what happened in the original comics. Keep the older and wiser DC
characters at a safe distance; it's more interesting watching Akane try
to solve things on her own than it is for Sentinel or J'onn J'onzz to
come in and tell her what to do. Also, I'm glad that you're skimming
over the stuff that's the same as in the comics (like the Zero Hour
crisis) but when something involves Akane, slow down a little and show
us more of her thoughts and feelings, make us sweat along with her as
she tries to learn how the ring works.


Gary Kleppe
http://www.akane.org/gary/comics.html
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