Not familiar with IY (just couldn't get into the first volume of the manga
when it was released here) But I'll give the fic a chance:

He smiles at me, cruel and amused, delighted by my
struggles as I push desperately at his hands holding me down; but
I am wounded and weak from blood loss, shock and the healing
compounds the healer has treated my injuries with and so I cannot
hold him off.  But I cannot let this happen; I can't....

He laughs.  I hate his laugh.  I can't believe that once
I thought him beautiful and noble, as a prince should be.  But he
is no prince and I cannot, will not, give in.

Nice mood setting so far. With it being first person, you don't want to make
the descriptions too flowery or it doesn't sound like first person.

*********

I sit up suddenly, the miasma of nightmare still caught
in my throat.

Ah, ye old 'Dream Sequence' I see.

*********

That priest is striding ahead again.

Ugh. 'striding' just doesn't sound right. I'd use a different word or
rephrase the sentence.

A part of me is amused by his antics.  He conducts
'exorcisms' to gain us shelter, asks almost every female of
childbearing age to his bed (and it is frightening how many
accept)

Good for him. :)

and is unashamedly cowardly and greedy.

He holds no pretentions about what he is. More power to him.

A part of me is satisfied that he has never asked me to
bear his child.  He respects my battle prowess enough not to risk
my proving it upon his body.

Heh

 Another part - my vanity - is

piqued.  Even Naraku's unwitting henchmen admitted I was
attractive.  That I'm not attractive enough for him to risk my
wrath by asking is lowering to my ego.

Again, it's just because he holds no pretentions as to what he is.

The headman of the village has a few maps of the area and
we read them carefully.  Or, rather, Miroku, Kagome, Shippou and
I read them carefully.  Inu-Yasha is improving our vocabulary of
profanity from the floor where he is recovering from a "Sit!",
after announcing his intention to simply go charging in, as a
millipede has little in the way of defence.  Kagome does not
approve of this plan.

Bah. Should let him go. Either he is correct, or he gets his ass kicked and
you know have ammo to use against him later.

Looking over the map, I can see two ways of going in.
One will give us an advantage, while the other will expose us to
the millipede.  We can triumph from either position, but it will
be harder from the second position.

So there's essentially only one way of going in.

I open my mouth to recommend the first, but the words I
feel my lips about to form will recommend the second.

Clamping my lips shut, I swallow hard, staring at the
map. Reaching out, I touch the surface and my finger skitters
along it.  I touch the first position, the hidden one.

Oh?

Then my arm shudders. I can feel my muscles, pulling my
hand along, drawing my finger to the second position.  Before it
gets there, I snatch my hand away from the map.

The others peer at the map.  Miroku nods.  "You're right,
Sango.  That's definitely the best place to go in."

I nod, not trusting my voice.  What's *wrong* with me?

Hmm. Nice little twist there. I like it.

Kagome, Shippou and Inu-Yasha are curled up side by side,
not even admitting in sleep the trusting family they are.  Miroku
is snoring away on the other side of the fire.

I don't want to go to sleep.

Whatever happened to me today is linked to sleep, I'm
sure, though I have no idea why.  I won't sleep, if that's
what... will... happen....

Heh. But isn't that slow drifting off what always happens? :)

***********

Naraku laughs, his voice rich and warm as it chills my
blood.

Bah. My lack of familiarity with the series doesn't let me know how this is.
More the loss on my part.

I tell him exactly what I think of him.  It takes a
while.

Naraku: Actually you are mostly right about my ancestery. But I never owned
a dog, and even if i did, I certainly wouldn't do THAT to it.

Nice little piece. Sorry I couldn't comment more on  it. But it was
effective in setting the mood and giving the potential insight to one of the
characters problems with this menace.Nice work

D.B. Sommer


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