Ukyou Kuonji wrote:

NANI YO...?
A Vandread fanfic by Ukyou Kuonji
Disclaimer: Of *course* they're not mine... I just had a question for
them, okay?

 Oooh! Vandred fanfiction.

 Vandred is property of Media Blasters in America, and I believe studio Gonzo, Media Factory and Mori Takeshi in Japan.

 Or perhaps Takeshi is merely the director. My memory fails me in my old age...

============

Hibiki sighed as he climbed out of his Vandread, closed the hood, and
shimmied to the floor of the docking bay.  If it wasn't one battle, it
was another:  either these strange alien forces from Kami-knows-where
(he found it hard to believe that the parent planet, Earth, would be
attacking them), or from the allies he'd been forced to make.  He hadn't
had much choice in the latter - he and his... what?  Comrades?  Hardly.
Bart and Duel were among the elite of Taraaku society.  They'd never
have associated with him, a third-class citizen.

 Was wondering about that. 'Duerro' seemed off, somehow. But I wonder at Hibiki thinking 'Kami-knows-where', since the only real ancestral/religious figure I can recall seeing in the series is 'Grandfather' on the men's side.

 Nice choice in exploring that bit about the men's culture, it's something the anime seems to essentially just skim over. Certainly doesn't seem to bother 'Duel' much. ;)

But no matter now.  Regardless of former standing, they were thrown
together, and had to cooperate to survive.  Even worse, they were stuck
on this ship, vastly outnumbered against these... these... *women*.

Another sigh escaped his lips as he collapsed into a sitting position,
leaning heavily against the Vanguard.  Really, the women weren't such a
bad lot once you got to know them - hell, they were almost human - and
it was better than just the three of them fighting these huge mechanical
monstrosities.  The combined force of the Vanguard united with the
women's Dreads created a nearly unbeatable combination, too.  Even he
had to admit it.

 'combined' 'united' and 'combination' all in one sentence. That doesn't flow very well, but my mind is especcialy feeble at the moment, and I can't suggest something better. >_<

If only it didn't have to be so goddam personal.  Even the very phrase -
"Unite with me, Alien-san!" - just felt so fucking *dirty*.  The shower
he took after each battle wasn't just to wash away sweat... in fact,
that was only a side benefit.

"Alien-san!?"  Oh, gods, no.  Not her.  Bad enough he kept winding up in
her Dread, in her lap, trying to do battle while she was gushing about
how happy she was to have been chosen by him.  Why in hell did she have
to be around him when the battles were over?

 That would be... Lita? No, I forget her name... they refer to her as 'leader', and she gets the best angst scenes. But as I remember it, Dita (the offensive (hah) one) sat in _his_ lap, not the other way around.

But there were few allies to be had in this godforsaken space; there was
no point in antagonizing them.  Especially her.  She, at least, seemed
to like him as a person, not just for what he and his Vanguard could
do.  The least he could do in return was try not to upset her by telling
her to 'shove off, bitch.'  At least, not *all* the time.  "What is it
now, Di-ta?"

 Well, he could awlays try and hang out with Rat-Bastard... ;)

She was standing in the middle of the bay, twiddling her fingers
nervously, not daring to answer or even look up at him.  He gulped;
whatever she was going to ask was gonna be difficult.

 Hmm...

Well, best to take it like a man.  He climbed down to the floor of the
bay, and walked over to her.  His heart actually went out to her as he
could see more clearly the embarrassment on her face.  "Di-ta... what's
wrong?"

"Well... Di-ta doesn't know much about your language, Alien-san..."

He sighed.  "Hibiki.  Please.  And it's the same language... you know
that, right?"

Now she looked up to face him, and embarrassment had been replaced by
confusion.  "Well, I thought so too, but you keep using words Di-ta
doesn't know..."

 Toukai: It's called 'slang', Dita... ask BC to translate.

"Words?  Like what?"

"Well, you remember when Di-ta and Alien-san got sideswiped by that one
fighter earlier?"

 Touki: Which time? It happens a lot, you know.

"Sure I do.  We kicked their asses for that, too!"  Hibiki grinned.

Di-ta returned the grin, but it seemed a little... well, forced.  "Yes,
we did.  But when they hit us, you said something."

 The 'well' seems to clash with your current mode of prose here. Recomend dropping the 'well' since it's not first person, and leaving the elipse in as-is.14

Hibiki couldn't remember having said anything of consequence at the
time, but of course, things were a little out of control back there.  It
wasn't like he could be expected to remember everything he'd said and
done at the time, what with it all happening so fast.  "What'd I say?"

 Touki: Because If I said anything about getting tangled in the dang UFO plushie you hung on my steering yoke, I meant it.

"You said something like: 'What the fuck?'"  Di-ta's eyes were pleading
now.  "Please, Alien-san... what is this 'fuck'?"

The question took him completely off-guard, and he nearly toppled over
from surprise.  He righted himself in time, and was just about to chew
her ass out with you've got to be kidding, of course, *everyone* knows
what 'fuck' means, when it suddenly hit him - he *didn't* know what it
meant.  And so he managed that facefault after all.

 Suggest quotation marks of some kind around the 'you've got to be kidding, of course, *everyone* knows what 'fuck' means' bit. Otherwise it's part of the prose, and since it's not first person, a tad jarring.

*crash*

"Alien-san?  Alien-san?"

His voice was muffled, what with his face still planted in the floor,
but it was clear what he was saying:

 Clear to who? This is from Hibiki's POV, correct?

"Oh, shit."

Di-ta's cheery smile returned.  "Oh, I know what *that* is..."

 ... Not gonna go there.

***

This came from watching the Vandread fansubs.  Great show, but it seems
odd to have characters who have had no contact with an opposite sex in a
century uttering phrases like 'what the f---' in certain situations.
Leave it to Di-ta to ask why.

So who's gonna explain this to her?  Does anybody on the Nirvana know?
And if they do, would they be willing to share this information?

 I imagine a few of them have pretty good ideas... and the not-so-subtle implications that when Hibiki and Dita unite... well.

 Innuendo is someone's friend, that's for sure.

Sean... Donny... anyone?

 DC? :p

 He already wrote one Vandred fanfic: http://www.geocities.com/Tokyo/Ginza/4537/Ttbhl.txt

 All-in-all, an amusing piece, if that was the (outwardly) friendliest Hibiki I've seen to date. His internal thoughts kept a nice balance there. Very nice.

 And since I never got around to thanking you for it before, thank you for writing Onion Tears, because the style it was written in was like a shot of pure inspiration. Excellent work.

Itsu mo,
Ucchan  ^_^