DB Sommer wrote:

And in the midst of all the C+C, a fanfic. Not sure how much response a
Trigun fic will get, especially a short humor one, but after seeing the
series, figured I'll give it a try.

 And here, we reward your exemplary contributions by providing C&C for the C&Cer.

The Top Ten Rejected Gung Ho Guns

 You worry me already.

Yep, some minor spoilers here from around episode 17 or so. The Vash
Flashback episode.

 ... Not sure I remember that one. I'll live.

Knives pulled himself out of the clear fluid-filled chamber that had been
home to him for several decades now. It was all because Vash, the insipid
fool, went over the line when all Knives had tried to do was help. But Vash
would pay, and it would be in a lot more than the pitiful 60,000,000,000
double dollars those wretched humans were offering. Knives' chief flunky,
Legato Bluesummers, was on the case and had promised him that he would band
together a group of pawns to use against Vash. This was, presumably, why
Legato had awakened him.

 Tube-o-Knives. There's a certain irony there, you know...

As the fluid cleared from his eyes, Knives saw a group of ten strangers,
with Legato at the head of them, patiently waiting his recovery. It took
Knives but a minute to throw on an outfit and then wait for Legato to
explain.

 'but a minute'? Not sure that flows. Could just be me. Feel free to ignore me. ;)

Legato gestured to the group assembled behind him. "As you requested, Sir,
I've gathered together a group of dangerous outlaws to do your bidding in
your war against Vash the Stampede. Allow me to introduce-"

 Knives: Outlaws. Tell me... an angsty redhaired man, his far-too-young sidekick, a cat-girl, a
             samurai, and and the traditional shojo-angst-laden robot-girl?

 Legato: Nothing that contrived, I'm sure.

"I had an accident with a wrought iron fence right before we came here. It
was silly, really. Slipped on a banana peel and fell into it. I killed every
banana vendor in town, of course."

"I see. Rather stylish, in a Neo-retro sort of way. Keep it."

 I find this believable, actually. >_<

"Sprout thorns and skewer people with them?"

"That would be news to me, Sir."

 Heh.

"It does look much brighter and cheerier. By the way, did you pick him up in
San Francisco?"

"Why, yes. How did you know?"

"He just blew me a kiss."

 ...

 I live about 30 miles away from S.F. ...

"Now this sounds promising. Can he do something cool, like create waves of
pure force that are capable of rending flesh and metal merely by singing?"

"No, Sir."

"A pity. I rather liked that idea. So, what does he do?"

 Hehe. This one works much better.

"Not too bad. How do you keep our people from having to do the same?"

"..."

"You hadn't thought that far, did you?"

 I can see it now. The game of the year: Trigun: Tactics.

Legato indicated a third man. He was dressed as a cowboy, with a pair of
pistols in the gun belt he wore on his hips. His arms were currently crossed
in front of his chest. "This is Toushu, the Quick Draw. He can outdraw any
man alive. His speed is superior to anyone, even Vash the Stampede."

 'As a cowboy' describes about 50% of the characters in Trigun. :p Maybe just the basics? Chaps, hat, bandana, etc.?

"Drew on you."

"No you didn't. You were just standing there. You arms were crossed and out
in the open the entire time."

 "This parrot's bleeding demised!"

Knives did so. Again the man appeared to be standing perfectly still when a
shot rang out.

Somewhere in the distance, a cat screeched in agony.

 ...

 Okay, I was wrong. Very wrong.

Legato pointed to a tall, but average-looking man with unruly brown hair and
a wild look to his eyes. He wore a set of colorful furs. "This is Bestiality
Bob. He-"

"I don't want to know. Next."

 O_O

Legato pointed to the handsome man standing next Bob. He was dressed in a
rather tight set of leather pants and a plain white shirt that did little to
hide his finely chiseled chest. "This is Sasi, the Foot Long Spike."

"Foot Long Spike? Is that because he has a-"

 Sasi -- Sassy? Ouch.

Legato indicated a beautiful woman whose impressive chest was barely
restrained by the tight black leather outfit she wore, and ensemble which
hugged her in all the right places. A set of razor sharp swords were held in
scabbards crossed behind her back. A pair of wicked-looking guns were also
strapped to her waist. She gave Knives a dangerous, yet sultry glance. "This
is Katrina, the Razorfist."

 Wait, she's inflatable, isn't she?

"Just for show. She doesn't have the faintest idea how to use either."

"And the, ah, impresive leather outfit?"

"Do you honestly believe anyone could fight in an outfit that tight? It's
purely eye candy."

 ...

 That hasn't stopped anime/manga writers for years. ;)

"Yurimaru had to go to the restroom while we were introducing the others. He
does that frequently with the problem he has."

 I really don't want to know how he got outlawed for consitpation. I really don't.

"I have no idea of what you mean, Sir."

"Money's been tight, you know. It's not like I have a source of income. I am
a psychopath that's never even had a job. And with me being bottled up for
so long, well, I don't have two double dollars to rub together. You do
understand, don't you?"

 Knives: Rem cut my allowance after that whole, you know, genocide thing...

"Of course I do, Sir. Your personality is more than enough to sustain me.
Shall we continue?"

 Legato is reminding me a lot of Ritsuko, suddenly.

"Haven't the faintest idea. He introduced himself as Chuck and just started
following us one day."

 ...

"I hate you."

"Only one left, sir. Then it will all be over."

 That sounds rather final. Knives does himself in to escape? ;)

This was exactly why all the humans needed to die. "Just get on with it."

 Hah!

Legato indicated a fairly average-looking man in his fifties with a slightly
bulbous nose. He was a bit overweight, had a low cut of whitish hair, and
wore a nice business suit. There seemed to be a perpetual smile on his face.

Legato said, "This is Slick Willy."

 ...

 You didn't...

The man stepped forward to shake Knives' hand. "How're you doing? Found
myself unemployed recently and I'm trying to make ends meet. Don't suppose
you've got any spare interns lying around."

 ... You did.

"Now this!" Knives pulled out a long barreled pistol and fired. From in the
middle of a group a pitch black hole formed in mid-air. It was pure
obsidian, and did not reflect light in the slightest. It expanded to a huge
size before the others could react, sucking them in as the surface of the
orb touched their skin. Their screams and struggles (except for Devem, who
accepted his fate with grim aplomb) were to no avail as they were inevitably
consumed by oblivion.

 Grim -- grave? That's bad. :p

The last thing Knives heard was Makki shouting, "When I wished I could
disappear in a black hole, I didn't mean it this wayyyyy." His voice trailed
off into nothingness.

 That's bad...

"I want cool Gung Ho Guns!" Knives wailed. "Not morons like that. I want...
I want stylish  guys. Like, maybe someone that wears a visor and shoots red
beams of energy from his eyes. And a short guy that can make claws grow out
of his hands and heal real fast. Maybe an attractive woman of color that can
control the weather too."

"Copyright problems there, Sir."

 Heh.

"Saxophone, I think."

 'Slick Willy' could play the sax too, ya know. ;)

"Consider that raise yours."

 Heh.

"Very good, Sir. I'm sure you'll be much more satisfied with the next group
I bring you. Nighty-night."

"Nighty-night," Knives said as he yawned again and went back into his
chamber, Dreams of murdering sax players and cross bearing gunmen dancing
through his mind.

 Dreams -- dreams (?)

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

No prereaders this time out. No need in inflicting that sort of harm upon
everyone.

 Gee, thanks. :p

Thanks for reading and allowing me this trip into tasteless humor.

 Revenge for the mystery fusions, no doubt. ;)

D.B. Sommer