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The FFML Refugee List
Reading through various "If I Ever..." lists today, I noticed a marked
lack of representation of a particular genre.
Evil Overlord, Evil Empress, Hero, Sidekick, One True Love, Evil
Henchmen, and even Innocnet Bystanders all have guidelines. But,
except for one entry in the Evil Empress guidelines, nothing was
mentioned regarding a time-honored and well-loved role.
Therefore, with the help of Andrew Wilson, I composed this set of
guidelines. May I present:
***********************************************
If I Ever Become a Magical Girl:
1. I will find out if there is a less revealing transformation
sequence.
2. In the same vein, I will discover if there are other clothing
options besides a mini-skirt, as those tend to be drafty.
3. I will invest in a good pair of sneakers, so as to reduce the
possibility of a twisted ankle due to my boots/high heels/sandals.
4. If I see anything even remotely resembling tentacles on the
monster I'm fighting, I will immediately remove myself from its
striking range, and resort to large firearms.
5. If I have any attack sequence of more than two words and single
gesture, I will work to shorten that. If I cannot, I will begin using
alternate methods of attacking, such as really big guns.
6. If the villain has a sudden change of heart, I will immediately
take him to an anonymous hotel room and watch over him. Either he's
faking it and will attempt to betray me, at which point I will kill
him; of he's serious, at which point his former colleagues will
attempt to kill him. In either case, I will be certain to pump him for
information.
7. If my magical sidekick has a nasty habit of forgetting important
information until it's too late to act upon, I will insist upon some
kind of memory classes.
8. If I have a protector who swoops in, interrupts my fight with the
monster just for a motivational speech, and then leaves me without
helping in any other way, I will dump him and look for a protector
that will fight at my side.
9. No matter how ridiculous the villain may seem, I will give
him/her/it my full respect until proven otherwise.
10. Attacking from behind is NOT the act of a coward. It's the act of
a magical girl who wishes to minimize fights.
11. If an ally speaks only in riddles, I will give him/her the chance
to speak clearly. If he or she refuses, I will find new allies.
12. If an ally claims to know the future, I will tell him or her to
quick speaking nonsense, and quote Yoda if I have to.
13. If I discover other magical girls, I will force them to learn
such strategies as ambushes, flanking maneuvers, rear guards, and
catching opponents in a crossfire.
14. If my enemy consistently uses the same tactics over and over, I
will use that predictability to plan an attack to kill that enemy.
15. If I discover that I am reborn from a previous time, I will not
be surprised by what my past self was like.
16. If an enemy stops to gloat, I will take that as the opportunity
it is and kill him/her/it.
17. If my enemies consistently use minions that shout out random
attack phrase right before striking, I will learn to dodge at those
shouts.
18. I will NOT make any speeches about "love," "justice," or any
other foolishness until AFTER I've defeated my enemy.
19. If my enemy is revealed to be a human, highly-placed or
otherwise, I will remember that he or she is undoubtedly attempting to
destroy or take over the planet and that professional assassins exist
for a reason.
20. I will deliberately walk into walls, gorge myself while eating,
and make a general fool of myself, so as to surprise my enemies when I
show competence in battle.
21. If possible, I will create attacks that require no words, so as
to surprise my enemy when I kill him/her/it with it.
22. If my magical animal sidekick has any weapons/powerups/useful
magical devices, I will insist upon getting them immediately, and not
wait until my enemies are stronger than me.
23. I will NOT save my most powerful attack until the monster
weakened by my friends. Instead, I will use it at the beginning of the
fight, in the hopes of making the fight a short one.
24. If I come to posses an artifact of great power that can aid me in
defeating evil, I will use it as often as possible, without raising a
serious threat to myself.
25. I will learn how to properly use said artifacts before anything
else.
26. I will NEVER trust a villain's word. There's a reason why he/she
is the villain, after all.
27. If my enemy asks if I could find it in my heart to let him or her
go, I will say, "Yes," then turn and walk away. When my enemy attempts
to shoot me in the back, my allies will kill him.
28. I will not announce my attacks. If I must, I will use attack
phrases that are totally unlike the attack. "Beautiful Love Heart
Attack," for example, will produce some kind of magical napalm.
29. In the event that I have a choice between my teammates and
completing the mission, I will both remember that if I do not complete
the mission, my friends will undoubtedly die anyways, and that they
knew the risks when they signed up.
30. I will ensure my magical uniform has protective properties. If it
is unable to favorably compare to a bulletproof vest, I will get rid
of it and find a new magical uniform.
31. Just because someone *can* destroy the world, doesn't mean that
they *will.* I will keep this in mind when my allies have frightening
powers.
32. If several members of my group have weapons/special accessories,
I will discover if the rest of my group should have something as well.
33. I will not try to defy prophecy, as that never works. Rather, I
will find a way to manipulate said prophecy to my favor.
34. I will remember that cheating is defined by the winners and will
use every under-handed, dirty, or otherwise cheap trick in the book in
order to ensure winning the fight.
35. If the villain takes a hostage, I will mourn for said hostage,
then act to avenge their deaths. Any promises the villain makes in
regard to the hostage will be regarded as the lies they most likely
are.
36. If performing an attack leaves me immobilized or unable to defend
myself, I will make sure my teammates know about this, and are able to
give me cover while I initiate it.
37. If my One, True Love is captured by the other side and
brainwashed to fight against me, I will not hold back against him, as
I know he would not want me hurt because of him.
38. If I have a magical device capable of driving the evil out of
people, I will use it on the evil minions. At worst, it will do
nothing, and I will have to kill them. At best, it will work on them,
and they will turn to my side.
39. If said device can also remove a person's humanity, making them
happy zombies, I will try to find a way to remove that feature.
40. I will remember that while magically charged attacks are good,
magically charged ammunition (especially fired from automatic weapons)
is better in many, many cases.
40. I will make all of my allies take at least rudimentary first aid.
41. If a friend starts to date or care about a villain, I will
present logic, comprehensive data as to the villain's true nature.
Videotapes, pictures, and other easily understood factors should be
included.
42. Just because an enemy appears to be defeated does not mean he/she
is. I will remain on my guard until I'm absolutely sure they can't
squeeze out one final attack.
43. If my most powerful ability might destroy the world when used, I
will research less risky methods of mass destruction.
44. I will create an attack that is silent, invisible, or in some
other manner hard to detect until it strikes the target.
45. I will NOT seal away an evil opponent, leaving it free to escape
and make trouble for my children. Instead, I kill it.
46. If I am unable to kill the opponent, merely seal them, then I will
seal them, and then kill them while they're helpless.
47. If a villain begs for mercy, I will remember how much mercy they
have shown themselves to be capable of, and show them the same amount.
48. I will never assume an enemy has just one minion. Instead, I will
assume there are many minions and plan accordingly.
49. No matter how ridiculous our opponents look, I will assume they
are incredibly dangerous and act accordingly.
50. I will NEVER rely on any device to transform into my magical
persona.
51. If I must rely on a device, I will never reveal it. Instead, I
will hide it somewhere about my body and use a large, flashy object to
provide my enemies with something to try and steal.
***********************************************
Produced by:
Slacker (rheins@pmt.org)
Andrew Wilson (templar@softcom.net)
Alpha draft: 05/19/2001
If anyone can think of anything that should be added, feel free to
e-mail me. Heck, I'll even add you to the producer's list! (Tell me if
you want your e-mail added.)
Ja Ne!
Slacker
--
***********************************************
STUDENT: Master, what is the secret of a popular fanfic?
MASTER: Child, the secret is simply this: You must serve the fans.
STUDENT: So the secret is fanservice?
MASTER: You begin to learn, grasshopper.
After finishing a story:
If you liked the story, drink a bottle to celebrate.
If you disliked the story, drink two bottles to cheer you up.
If you're apathetic, then drink till you care, dammit!
(From a Slayers drinking game.)
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
desaix@sysnet.net
Sir Desaix, member # 116 of the Knights of the True Fiancee
anime fanfics available at
http://www.geocities.com/zednik.geo/fanfics.htm
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