To reply, post publically or e-mail the author at
<Matthew.P.Katinas@rose-hulman.edu>
Enjoy!
The FFML Refugee List
It's been a while since I posted the first four parts of this five-part
MST, and they've been revised since, so I figured I'd just post the link
to the complete work in case you want to read the previous parts again.
http://www.rose-hulman.edu/~katinamp/OAV42.html
I'm right in the middle of chapters on almost all of my stories now, but
I am making good progress and hope to have something to send out by
summer on at least one of them. (Un)fortunately, this weekend I won't
have time to write... because I'll be at Anime Central! I'll probably be
attending the fanfiction panel, and if not, I'll be around somewhere, so
keep an eye out for me! I probably won't get there until late Friday,
though.
And here's the last part:
REALLY REAL PRODUCTIONS PRESENTS:
RAN WARS: THE FANDOM MENACE
THE OAVing - PART 5
NACHO: Well, folks, this is it. The final installment. The last part.
After this, we are officially done with the OAV 42 presentation of Ran
Wars: The Fandom Menace!
ACE: Five parts... it really is a menace to fandom!
SHEILA: Well, the divisions are purely artificial. The original came in
one huge file that cripples any program more sophisticated than a simple
text editor on slower processors.
ACE: I see. They didn't want anyone to read the whole thing...
NACHO: Thus, by adding our own comments, we are performing a service to
fandom by breaking the story into manageable chunks and tripling the
entertainment value!
ACE: Uh, Nacho, you do realize that you're grossly overestimating our
appeal...
SHEILA: Any fic with Junk in it has about half the entertainment value.
JUNK: Hey, anyone want to pull my finger?
SHEILA: Make that a third.
NACHO: Entertainment value aside...
ACE: ...which it is, for most of this fic...
NACHO: ...we can look forward to quite an exciting climax in this final
part of the story.
JUNK: Really?
NACHO: Not that kind of climax, Junk.
JUNK: Oh. Damn. I'm going to go read through my lemon collection.
NACHO: While Kiima and the Phoenix people fight the bioroids outside the
Imperial capital of Dojo...
ACE: That wasn't at all climactic! She destroyed all but one of them and
sent that one back to his leader to get him to surrender!
NACHO: ...Konatsu and Tofu-wan are facing off against good old Darth
Kumon...
SHEILA: Who throws away his weapon and spends most of his time posing
for the fangirls.
ACE: I bet you like that, don't you?
SHEILA: You didn't see me swoon.
ACE: Is that a fact, or a threat?
SHEILA: Yes.
NACHO: ...and young Genma is hiding in a fighter ship, which he's just
accidentally started.
SHEILA: I wasn't at all surprised. EVERYONE starts in this fic.
NACHO: Too true.
JUNK: I don't get it.
SHEILA: Well, take a look at this! (shows picture to Junk)
JUNK: (starts) Ah, I see.
ACE: Say, can I see that picture?
JUNK: (snatches picture) No! It's mine!
NACHO: Speaking of starts, perhaps we should start reading the last part
of Ran Wars?
ACE: Sure. The sooner we start, the sooner we finish, right?
<BEGIN FANFIC>
(Behind the protusion of stone that forms a sort of stable dock
for the fighter craft,
-
NACHO: Well, at least their dock is stable. Everything else is falling
apart!
-
Nodoka and Shinnosuke crouch.
-
JUNK: (makes heavy breathing noises and groans)
SHEILA: Not exactly the imagery I was expecting. I was expecting you to
do a poop joke or something.
JUNK: Oh, are we reading the fic? I was just looking at this picture...
-
Pellets hit
the stone, erupting into balls of spiky thorns that inexorably
eat away at their cover...until they suddenly stop.
-
ACE: Well, at least I HOPE they're not still eating away at their cover
after they stop...
-
The two peek
out and see that one of the fighters has exited its dock, and
that as it turned the backwash from its engines sent the
Defoliators flying.)
-
NACHO: Had the Imperial Engineers had a few years of formal training,
the engines would have sent the fighter flying as well.
ACE: <Engineer> Who's back washing the engines while we're trying to
take off?
-
Shinnosuke: Wow! What luck! Who do you think is in it?
Nodoka: I don't know, but remind me that I owe a kiss to whoever
it is.
-
JUNK: <Shinnosuke> Oh, that's right... I think it was me!
-
Shinnosuke: I'll try my best to remember that.
Nodoka: (pats him on the cheek) I'm counting on that. Now come
on, this is our chance! (gets up)
-
JUNK: <Nodoka> (stops suddenly) Shinnosuke, you forgot to pull it out.
ACE: <Shinnosuke> I put it in?
-
Shinnosuke: But I can't leave! I'm supposed to protect the
Queen!
Nodoka: ... (grabs him by the wrist) She's upstairs, let's go.
(She drags the protesting Captain of the Guard out of the room.
-
NACHO: <Shinnosuke> End... um, end... (reads placard) End forgetfulness!
-
Outside, Genma stares as his ship flies up out of the atmospehere
and into the endless void of space.
-
ACE: <Genma> Good thing I'm not IN my ship...
NACHO: I want so badly to do an "atmospehere" joke, but I just can't
think of one.
SHEILA: <Genma> Where's that cloud cover gotten to again... Ah! At mos
pe here!
ACE: (sighs) Did you have to do that?
SHEILA: Read it aloud. It makes sense. Really.
-
Not far off, the huge
flower-shaped battleship rests, flashes of red and green laser
weapons testifying to the fierceness of the firefight.)
-
ACE: All right, now tell the court exactly what it is you saw.
SHEILA: <Laser flash> It was fierce! And flowery!
-
Genma: Okay, that was not good. (pauses)
-
NACHO: <Genma> At least I'm comfortably in character.
-
Now let's get
back...this thing doesn't seem too much different from my
podracer...
-
SHEILA: <Genma> Except that this one was built better.
-
(grabs control rod) Now, to turn around you...
-
ACE: <Genma> Correcting my speech must I.
NACHO: <Yoda> With your speech, nothing wrong do I find.
NIDO: This would be an appropriate place for a Razor joke if I thought
my Razor stories had a bigger audience...
-
(He fiddles with the controls, promptly causing the starfighter
to scream forward as the afterburners activate.)
Genma: Oh craaaaaaaaappppp...
-
NACHO: Genma naturally joins the starfighter in screaming.
-
(The starfighter blasts right into the battle around the huge
ship which is controlling the army of bioroids currently engaged
in fighting the Phoenix Tribe.
-
NACHO: Scattering clauses left and right as it goes.
-
And thus the authors used the
second actual segue of the fic!
-
ACE: Careful. You don't want to run out before the big ending!
-
The battle is vicious and dirty,
-
SHEILA: Rather like the Presidential election of 2000.
-
as the bioroids dash about with surprising agility and fire their
weapons skyward, avoiding the arrows of the bird people.
-
NACHO: They are careful not to shoot the arrows, as that would provide
them an extra modicum of protection.
JUNK: Using modicum protection takes all the fun out of it!
SHEILA: Just try not to think about it, folks.
-
They
have apparently learned this lesson the hard way, as many of the
plant beings lay scattered around in pieces,
-
ACE: <Bioroid> This is the toughest math lesson in the history of Dojo!
NACHO: <Kiima> Okay, one more time. If I have five bioroids and blow
them into twenty pieces each... (proceeds to do so) how many bioroid
pieces do I have left?
-
blown to shreds by
the explosive arrowheads. The bioroids have taken their toll
however, as several of the Phoenix lie unmoving on the ground.
-
SHEILA: <Bioroid> Stop! You have to pay to cross this battlefield!
ACE: <Phoenix> No! I won't pay! I'll protest this unfair treatment by
lying unmoving on the ground!
NACHO: <Johnny Bravo> Hey, cool! Time must be frozen here too!
SHEILA: Now THAT'S a reference few will get...
-
The mammoth tanks move around with virtual impunity, marred by
only a few minor burns.
-
NACHO: Fortunately, the bioroids have plenty of medicated ointment.
-
A tribesman lands on one and stabs it
with his spear, the tip crackling with energy.
-
NACHO: I can see it working... if this were Batman Beyond.
-
The tank seems
about to stop as sparks erupt from it, but a pellet takes the
tribesman in the gut and sends him hurtling away. A moment
later, Kiima lands in front of the tank.)
-
ACE: <Kiima> Aargh! *crunch*
-
Kiima: Let's see you resist this! Thousand Wings!
(She again snaps her wings forward, spraying the tank with the
arcs of compressed air.
-
SHEILA: They read: "The Phoenix were here."
-
It shudders and then collapses in
several pieces, but a moment later Kiima is forced to leap away
to avoid several bioroid shots.)
-
NACHO: <Kiima> They must have run out of ammunition! Now they're
shooting bioroids!
-
Kiima: Damn! There's too many!
(She takes flight, avoiding more shots, and overpasses Koruma and
Masara.
-
ACE: The overpass stretches all the way to Sodom and Gomorrah.
-
The two wield long chains, which they use to entangle
their targets and fling them across the battlefield. Koruma
smirks as he swings his chain in a whirling arc...
-
SHEILA: <Masara> Ow! Dammit! Watch where you're swinging that thing, you
jerk!
-
which catches
on the cannon of a passing tank. He yelps as he is pulled from
the air and in a whirl of motion finds himself firmly tied to
said cannon.)
-
NACHO: The embarassing part is, the whirl of motion was actually Koruma
tying himself to the cannon.
ACE: <Koruma> Until this war is stopped, I shall not be moved!
-
Koruma: Help!
Masara: Don't worry, I'll save you! (lands on the tank) Now
hold still!
-
NACHO: <Koruma> (waits) Hey! How is this supposed to help?
ACE: <Masara> Shut up! I want the war photographers to get my good side!
-
(he jabs the chain with a spear; sparks fly and
Koruma screams in pain) Oops...
-
NACHO: Fair repayment for the chain thing earlier, I think.
ACE: But we did that.
NACHO: Still, all's fair in love and war.
JUNK: Those two, in love? That's even sicker than Tofu and Konatsu!
SHEILA: Why's that?
JUNK: At least Konatsu pretends to be a woman!
-
Koruma: (smoking) Watch it with that thing, you moron!
-
NACHO: <Masara> Sorry! It's hard to hold the cigarette lighter steady
while we're standing on a moving tank!
-
Masara: I'm not the one who tied himself to a cannon!
Kiima: (passing by) SHUT UP!!!
-
SHEILA: My, isn't SHE the arrogant one? ... Never mind.
-
(Back in the palace, Nodoka, Shinnosuke and a half-dozen guards
charge along a hallway filled with elegant statues and with
majestic windows lining one side, overlooking the vast forest
hundreds of metres below.)
-
NACHO: In the palace known as Nodoka, Shinnosuke and a half-dozen guards
charge along a hallway filled with elegant statues...
SHEILA: Not much of a charge, if they have to climb over all of those
statues that people have haphazardly thrown in here.
-
Shinnosuke: The throne room is this way...(leaps back as a pellet
flies in front of him) Bioroids!
-
ACE: Must have been the wrong way. What a surprise.
NACHO: No, that's Ryoga. When Shinnosuke remembers where he's going, he
can find his way there.
SHEILA: When did the bioroids find more ammo?
-
(Sure enough, five squads of the mobile bioweapons appear from
behind the many pillars in the room.
-
NACHO: <Shinnosuke> Twenty-five... twenty-six... nope! Not five! There's
only four and seven-eighths squads here!
-
Nodoka responds instantly,
lifting her blaster and firing three shots that all hit their
targets.
-
ACE: And they were left with only a quarter-dozen guards.
-
Shinnosuke spins his broom, knocking a pellet shot at
her aside.
-
NACHO: <Nodoka> (screams) Aah! I've been hit in the aside with a pellet
shot!
ACE: <Shinnosuke> Whoops. My bad.
-
With a roar he flips forward and comes down on his
knees amid the enemy, broom held low. The nearby bioroids turn
to shoot him...and their heads all fall off.
-
NACHO: Crappy workmanship.
SHEILA: Their warranties just ran out.
-
The Captain of the
Guard rises to his feet and proceeds to whirl into the mass of
bioroids, his broom smashing the plant things to pieces like
hammer blows.
-
SHEILA: How exactly are pieces of bioroids like hammer blows?
ACE: Forty-two! No, doesn't work.
-
Nodoka and her guards stick to blasting them from
afar, but they no longer have to worry about return fire as the
bioroids are far too busy defending themselves from Shinnosuke.
-
NACHO: Now, Shinnosuke just has to defend himself from the guards
shooting at him.
-
In a few seconds it is over.)
Nodoka: Excellent work, Shinnosuke-san.
-
JUNK: <Shinnosuke> Give me five minutes, and I'll be ready to go again.
-
Shinnosuke: (nods) Thank you. I only wish the Queen could have
seen it. Or at least my departed grandfather.
-
ACE: <Shinnosuke> He departed just before my big solo!
-
Nodoka: (sighs) Never mind. Come on, the turbolifts are this
way.
Shinnosuke: (cutting in front) You have to be careful, this is
part of the palace I trapped. Let me lead the way.
-
ACE: <Nodoka> Sure, I think that's a good idea. Why don't you use this
stick of dynamite to light our way?
NACHO: (nods) It's the merciful thing to do.
-
(Shinnosuke takes two steps before tripping on a wire and having
a pillar fall on his head.)
-
SHEILA: That's two more than I thought he'd make...
-
Nodoka: (sweatdrop) At least you're a great fighter, Shinnosuke.
(She picks him up and takes off down the hall with him, Darth
Kumon's lightsaber swinging on her belt.
-
JUNK: <Nodoka> The prosthesis is for later, when my dear Shinnosuke
can't hold up any more...
-
Further down in the
palace, the owner of said lightsaber-segue #3! Collect the
set!
-
NACHO: I've got all of the lightsaber-segues 1 through 15.
ACE: But this one isn't 3. It's #3.
NACHO: Oh? (checks collection of lightsaber-segues) Hey! I need that
one! The # series is worth a fortune!
-
-is busy kicking the crud out of Tofu. Konatsu, meanwhile,
rises shakily to her feet, clutching her stomach but still
holding tightly to her ligthsaber.
-
NACHO: And with his fifth hand...
ACE: Say... where exactly did the ligthsaber come from, anyway?
JUNK: Well, boys and girls are... different...
-
Kumon snaps another palm at
Tofu, effortlessly bypassing his defences and smashing the Sage
across the chin.
-
NACHO: <Tofu> Damn! My defenses were bypassed!
ACE: <Tofu> My deodorant's invisible shield should have had another four
hours left!
-
Tofu staggers back, spitting a tooth across the
walkway. He doesn't look good.)
-
SHEILA: You're telling me! That robe is SO yesterday!
-
Kumon: Fight back, you wimp! (stalks forward) I don't want to
kill you if you refuse to fight back!
-
SHEILA: <Tofu> Exactly! That's why I'm refusing!
-
Tofu: (grins goofily) Then maybe we can talk this over?
Kumon: (backhands Tofu, sending him flying) I said I don't want
to, not that I won't. Now get up and fight!
-
NACHO: <Tofu> It would be easier if you'd quit knocking me down!
-
Konatsu: Tofu-Wan! (winces) I'm coming! (starts forward)
(Tofu lurches back to his feet, and notes that his glasses are
broken. With a sigh, he pulls them off.)
-
SHEILA: At least he isn't Mousse... that could spell disaster.
-
Tofu: I don't want to hurt you.
-
ACE: Don't worry, I doubt you could even if you did want to.
-
Kumon: With such a weak will, no wonder the Jedi are
irresponsible.
-
ACE: <Tofu> Right. Let me write this down. (grabs notebook) "Hire better
lawyers to write will..."
-
If you can't back up words with action, you
deserve to be beaten around!
-
ALL: Look who's talking.
-
(Kumon charges and lashes out. Tofu dodges under the fist, but
takes a boot to the stomach for his effort.
-
NACHO: <Tofu> Note to self: Next time, don't dodge the fist!
-
The strike carries
him into the air, and Kumon spins in place before backhanding
Tofu out of his freefall and right off the walkway.)
-
ACE: Fortunately, Ok-chan gets in the way and stops Tofu's fall by being
knocked off the walkway in his place.
-
Konatsu: TOFU!
(Kumon sneers as Konatsu pulls herself back to her full height.
Below, Tofu plummets, but suddenly tuck and rolls, his fall
changing course.
-
NACHO: Anime physics...
SHEILA: Particularly Ranma physics...
ACE: What physics?
-
He lands on a platform two stories down
feet-first, but falls over as the shock of the landing is a bit
too much for him.)
-
ACE: Too much shock for HIM? I was expecting him to be Tofu pizza by
now!
NACHO: Tofu pizza? Ew...
JUNK: Maybe it's a good aphrodisiac?
-
Kumon: (peers over the side) It appears your little coward is
alive still.
-
SHEILA: <Konatsu> (looks) No... usually when they're that still, it
means they're dead.
-
Konatsu: (holds her lightsaber overhead) You have struck a man
who desires only peace.
-
ACE: <Kumon> (blinks) I did that quite a few times... why did it take
you so long to notice?
-
(glows slightly) For this great sin,
there can be no forgiveness!
-
NACHO: <Konatsu> (poses) In the name of the Jedi... I SHALL PUNISH YOU!
-
(Darth Kumon's eyes widen as Konatsu moves in, seemingly
unmindful of her injuries.
-
NACHO: He's like an RPG character... injuries are nothing but numbers.
Get crushed by a boulder, survive with 1 HP, you're perfectly healthy...
then step on a nail, lose 1 HP, and you die.
ACE: <Konatsu> (steps on strategically placed nail) (dies)
-
Her lightsaber moves so fast it blurs
into an orange streak.
-
NACHO: <Konatsu> (waves lightsaber up and down) Look! It's made of
rubber!
-
Kumon dodges back, only a fraction of an
inch between him and the slicing blade. Kumon growls and leaps
up snapping his hand down.
-
NACHO: <Kumon> Ow! Bad leap! Bad leap! I snapped my hand! Do-overs!
-
A golden cord flies from his hand,
but Konatsu's lightsaber chops it in twain...down it's length.
-
ACE: <Konatsu> It also does Julienne fries!
-
Kumon flips and lands behind Konatsu, who spins and almost
decapitates the dark warrior.
-
NACHO: <Evil Dwarf> Fortunately, I'm too short to be hit by such a high
swing.
ACE: I think they meant Darth Kumon.
NACHO: I don't think he's all that dark...
SHEILA: Oh, yes! Tall, dark, and handsome!
NACHO: The girls always like the bad guys, it seems...
ACE: Nice guys always finish last.
-
Kumon evades by backing off, and
smiles cruelly.)
Kumon: So. You're going to make a fight of it after all.
(cracks knuckles) Then I don't need to hold back!
-
SHEILA: ... You didn't need to hold back before, either...
-
(He charges, Konatsu meets him, and...this would be a cruel point
to cut away, don't you agree?
-
ACE: No, actually, I was begging for a change of scene at this point.
-
In his space fighter, Genma is
still trying to learn how to pilot his craft; not the easiest
skill to master when one is involuntarily stuck in the middle of
a dogfight.
-
NACHO: But inarguably a useful one.
-
Dojo and Union starfighters leap and spin about each
other, lances of brilliant light blowing each other apart.
-
SHEILA: <Lime> Fireworks! Fireworks! Fireworks! ... What's a "firework?"
-
The
turbolasers of the titanic flagship dwarf the fighters, but none
score any hits on the ships that buzz around it like flies.)
-
ACE: <Flagship captain> The lasers aren't working! Bring out the bug
spray!
NACHO: <Flagship captain> And learn how to aim!
SHEILA: <Mousse> Yes, captain!
-
Genma: How do you fly this thing!?
(He twists his control rod and the ship spins away from an enemy
craft that had been tailing it. Said craft explodes against the
mothership's shields.)
-
ACE: <Genma> "Craft explodes against the mothership's shields."
-
Genma: Okay, that was nice. What does this do...?
(He toggles a switch; suddenly radio chatter fills his cockpit.)
-
NACHO: <Genma> Aah! Howard Stern! Turn it off!
-
Voice: Bandit 5, two on your six!
-
ACE: <Voice> Meet at twelve at the seven-eleven to take five!
-
Other voice: I can't cut through the shields; they're too strong!
Grandfather's voice: What? We'll all die!
Original voice: What about proton torpedos?
-
NACHO: <Whatever voice> No good! Some idiot left them too close to the
electron torpedoes and they all neutralized!
SHEILA: <Some voice> Then we should have a bunch of neutron torpedoes,
right?
ACE: Please, don't. Some people read fanfiction to get away from physics
class...
-
Second voice: No good either, I can't get a firing solution!
-
NACHO: That's what firing calculus is for.
ACE: Firing solutions are no big deal. It's firing problems that are
tough.
SHEILA: I never have firing problems. I just hand over the pink slip,
and then it's their problem.
-
Grandfather: Who's the fool in that new ship? He's about to get
blown to bits!
Genma: Huh? That's me! (looks over his shoulder two see two
starfighters dropping in behind him)
-
NACHO: And another three over shoulder one!
-
Ack!
(He jerks the controls and the craft responds erratically.
-
JUNK: <Ship> Ooh, baby!
SHEILA: "Erratically," not "erotically."
JUNK: Even with Genma jerking the controls?
-
This
is a good thing, however; the enemy ships, in their haste to
maintain firing solutions, slam into each other and explode.)
-
ACE: They should have stuck to firing lasers.
-
Grandfather: Or not. That was some good move, whoever you are!
-
NACHO: <Genma> And I thought his memory was better than his
grandson's...
-
Genma: (beams) Thanks. Now maybe I can take out some more of
them. Now, which one is the trigger?
-
SHEILA: <Genma> Got it! It's the red one marked "Self Destruct!"
-
(pulls a red switch and
his ship spits out several red bolts...which hit a passing Dojo
starfighter)
-
NACHO: <Genma> Was that it? (pulls it again; hits another Dojo fighter)
Nah, couldn't have been... the trigger always shoots the enemy.
-
Oops...
Original voice: Hey, you moron! Aim at the enemy!
Genma: I said oops... (his ship jolts to the side)
-
NACHO: And "amen" is the word that makes it jolt the other way.
-
Waah! I'm
outta here! (looks around) I can hide in that hangar. (ship
rocks again)
-
ACE: Where are they shipping all these rocks, anyway?
-
If I can just get to it... (eyes brighten) I got
it! (he flips the starfighter over, heading for the Plant Control
Ship) Umisenken piloting technique!
-
NACHO: <Genma> (hits "EJECT" button) Run away!
-
Grandfather: Hey, where did that fighter go?
Original voice: Who cares? Good riddance!
(In the flagshiip, the main hangar is a hive of activity.
-
ACE: Must be Kiima's flagshiip.
NACHO: Wouldn't that be a nest rather than a hive?
-
Suddenly, Genma's fighter appears in the middle of it, skimming
through a few dozen bioroids as it begins to riccochet down the
hangar's length. On it's way it passes a familiar cigar-shaped
red cruiser, causing the two occupants to looks up.)
-
NACHO: <Kiyone> Man, that guy's a worse pilot than you are!
ACE: <Mihoshi> That's not fair, Kiyone! We use the autopilot, remember!
NACHO: <Kiyone> Yes, Mihoshi... and you're the only person ever to crash
it!
-
Pilot: Crazy pilots.
Co-pilot: At least he's flying.
-
SHEILA: <Pilot> No, he's riccocheting. Whatever that is.
-
Unlike us. Any idea when those
Jedi are coming back?
Pilot: Ah, I'm sure it'll be any time now. They're probably just
sitting down to the final negotiations.
-
NACHO: <Leader of Union Debate Council> Well, Jedi, it appears that the
vote is too close to call. We'll have to recount the votes manually
while we wait for the absentee ballots to arrive...
SHEILA: <Konatsu> What ballots? We just came to ask you to stop the war!
ACE: <Leader> Right... well, we'll have to put that to another vote
then.
-
(Genma's starfighter finally comes to rest at the end of the
hangar. It falls on its belly and all the lights go out as it
powers down.)
-
SHEILA: <Genma> (opens fridge) NOOOOOOO! Even this light is out!
-
Genma: Well, at least I'm safe now. (tap tap) Huh?
(Genma looks up and sees a bioroid tapping on his canopy.)
Bioroid#863: Could you step out of the ship, sir?
-
NACHO: <Genma> Sure. (steps out of the ship and onto the bioroid,
crushing it) And they told me to go on a diet...
-
Genma: Uh... (smiles) Care to repeat that? (the bioroid levels
its gun at him) Or not...
-
ACE: <Bioroid#863> I choose not to repeat.
NACHO: <Regis> Is that your final answer? You still have one lifeline
left.
-
(Down below, the Phoenix continue to fight the bioroid army.
Kiima launches another thousand wing attack, slicing another tank
to pieces. The bioroids are taking a massive pounding, and most
of them have been blown to bits.)
-
SHEILA: And those bits take an even bigger pounding.
-
Kiima: (as Koruma and Masara approach) How goes the battle?
-
ACE: <Koruma> Well, you see, they attack us, and we attack them. Then
some of us die, and some of them die, and you do the whole thing over
until everyone's dead.
SHEILA: <Masara> Then both sides get a bunch more people and the whole
process starts again!
-
Masara: I think we might actually win this, Kiima-sama!
Koruma: Yeah, without the human's help, even!
Kiima: Perhaps... (she looks over and sees four tanks perched on
a rise outside the battlefield) What are they doing?
-
NACHO: <Masara> Looks like they're having a race.
ACE: A pistol fires, shooting Masara.
NACHO: <Koruma> I think you're right! That was the starter's pistol!
-
Masara: Who cares? At that range, they'll never hit...
(Poot.)
-
SHEILA: <Poot> I'm smart enough to be out of their range, all right!
-
Koruma: What was that?
(A small canister falls among the Phoenix warriors...and hisses
as a green mist blows out of it.
-
JUNK: Fart-in-a-can!
-
Kiima stares at it for a moment
then swiftly wings away.)
Kiima: Look out! Gas!
-
JUNK: <Koruma> I know... it's those tacos I had for lunch.
-
(It's too late, however. Already a dozen more canisters begin to
fall among the flying warriors.
-
NACHO: It's a wonder they don't fall among the warriors on the ground.
ACE: Gravity looks the other way while the battle continues...
-
Fierce coughing erupts from the
Phoenix ranks as the rancid green smoke floods through them.
-
JUNK: <Kiima> Who had salami?
SHEILA: You know, the fart jokes are going to get really old, really
fast. Just warning you, Junk.
JUNK: Don't worry, I've got plenty of them!
-
Dozens of warriors fall from the clouds, barely able to rise to
their knees on the ground as they try to work the noxious fumes
from their lungs.
-
JUNK: <Phoenix warrior> (belches) That got the fumes out!
ACE: <Kiima> Great... now we're making the problem even worse!
-
Kiima flies under the cloud and lands next to
a particularly sickly-looking soldier.)
-
NACHO: <Kiima> What's wrong, friend?
JUNK: <Soldier> It's this horrible gas!
NACHO: <Kiima> Try Gas-Ex, for fast relief. (holds up box of Gas-Ex,
smiles at the camera)
-
Kiima: Damn, the gas is lighter than air to keep us from flying!
-
SHEILA: <Kiima> and it makes my voice all squeaky
JUNK: That's not a fart joke!
SHEILA: (smiles) I know.
-
(She looks up...and stares as another force tops the rise.
-
NACHO: <Kiima> Then we must force them to rise to the top of the stairs!
-
An
army of bioroids, ten times larger than the last one.)
Kiima: A trap...
-
NACHO: <Kiima> Damn that Shinnosuke!
-
(In the palace, Pink and Link watch a translucent hologram of the
battle in progress. They smile evilly as they watch their troops
move in for the kill.)
-
ACE: This would have been a great place to semi-segue back to
Shinnosuke, having just mentioned a trap.
JUNK: No way! Pink and Link are hotter than Nodoka any day!
NACHO: Why's that?
JUNK: They're evil! And there's two of them! Evil twins are where it's
at!
SHEILA: I beg to differ. <Akane> Champions of virtue make me so hot!
NACHO: Inside joke?
SHEILA: Yep. A personal favor.
-
Link: I have to admit, that was a brilliant plan, Pink, over.
-
NACHO: <Pink> Too bad the plan's already over, over. We're just winging
it from here, over.
-
Pink: Of course, over. (preens)
-
JUNK: (drools)
-
Foolish savages didn't realise
we could send in disposable troops to lure them into our trap,
over.
-
SHEILA: <Link> And they thought disposable HANDKERCHIEFS were handy,
over...
-
Link: And meanwhile, the rest of our army moves in to capture
them, over.
-
ACE: Be sure to leave a few troops in Kamchatka. EVERYONE tries to take
Kamchatka.
-
Pink: Ha! I wonder why they even bothered with such a pitiful
attack, over?
Voice: For a diversion, of course. (click)
-
NACHO: <Radio voice> You're listening to KDIV, K-div, diverting you from
battles with great music and dubiously written fanfics.
-
Link: Who, over?
(They turn and see Nodoka, Shinnosuke and her honour guard
standing in the doorway.
-
JUNK: Grrr... she always keeps that chastity belt with her!
-
Nodoka points her blaster at them and
smiles.)
Nodoka: The rightful ruler.
-
NACHO: <Nodoka> ... is you.
ACE: <Link> Is me, over?
SHEILA: <Pink> No, she was pointing to me, over!
ACE: <Link> Me, over!
SHEILA: <Pink> Me, over!
ACE: <Link> Grrr, over... (leaps on Pink and starts tearing her apart)
JUNK: Catfight! Rip some clothing!
NACHO: <Nodoka> That plan worked better than I expected!
-
And this is definitely the end of
your invasion.
-
NACHO: <Nodoka> All your base are belong to us.
ACE: <Pink> What you say!
SHEILA: <Shinnosuke> Somebody set up us the bomb!
NACHO: <Nodoka> That was you, you forgetful twit!
-
Pink: So that was your plan, over.
-
ACE: <Pink> But now that your plan is over, our plan begins, over!
-
Link: But you overlooked one thing, over.
-
NACHO: So many things in this fanfic are over-overlooked.
-
Shinnosuke: And that is?
Link: We aren't undefended, over!
-
SHEILA: <Nodoka> But we're not attacking from above. We're attacking
from below. Are you undefended under?
ACE: <Pink> Yes, but that's not the - (she is stabbed from below)
Over... and out. (dies)
-
(She lunges and hits a button before Nodoka can react; the walls
shudder...
-
JUNK: <Link> Oops. That was our special secret vibrator button, over!
ACE: <Pink> Only for when we're alone, Link, over!
-
and then vines whip from them and wrap around the good
guys.
-
ACE: <Nodoka> Hey... what are the vines doing? They're just sitting
there and writhing!
NACHO: <Link> Looks like they don't consider any of us to be any good,
over.
SHEILA: It's a pretty widely held opinion, actually.
-
They snap taut, and the group is strung up like carnival
volunteers at the knife toss.
-
NACHO: <Nodoka> We're spinning! And where did this hypnotically swirling
target come from?
ACE: <Shinnosuke> Why am I wearing this leotard all of a sudden?
SHEILA: That's taking the metaphor a bit too far...
NACHO: It was a simile, actually.
-
The movement is so violent that
their weapons are ripped from their hands and clatter to the
floor.)
-
ACE: <Pink> Oops, over. (picks up dropped weapon)
-
Shinnosuke: You witches! At least the Queen escaped you
unscathed!
-
NACHO: <Pink> Easily remedied, over! (walks over and scathes Nodoka)
ACE: <Link> Hah! How does it feel to be scathed, over?
SHEILA: <Nodoka> Oddly refreshing... do it again!
JUNK: My turn! I want to scathe Nodoka!
-
(Pink and Link stare at him, and Nodoka sighs in exasperation.)
Link: Well, nevertheless we have you, over. (frowns)
-
NACHO: <Link> Hmmm... I didn't really WANT to capture them... now what
will I do for entertainment, over?
ACE: <Pink> That's what the vibrator is for, over.
-
Pink: It appears the hunted have trapped the hunters, over.
(smirks)
Pink&Link: Mwa ha! MwahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA-HAH! Over!
-
NACHO: They're begging for it...
ACE: <Kodachi> Foul harridans! How dare you mimic the laugh of the Black
Rose! You shall suffer!
-
Nodoka: (grinds teeth; glares) You haven't won yet.
(Down below, a more intense battle is being waged.
-
ACE: Ooh... (reaches eagerly for popcorn)
-
Konatsu
dashes in and slashes, a series of brilliant arcs filling the
air.
-
NACHO: Konatsu's clothes fall to pieces, a series of fragmented cloth
strips settling to the ground.
-
Kumon dances back, just out of reach of the strikes, then
roars and lashes out with his fist.
-
NACHO: Konatsu mimics the movements perfectly, in time with the music.
ACE: Riverdance, the Jedi version.
-
The strike catches Konatsu's
wrist and halts one of the strikes in mid-swing. Konatsu leaps
up, avoiding a kick, and smashes a foot into Kumon's face.
-
SHEILA: Without kicking?
NACHO: I think the kick he avoided was from Kumon.
ACE: <Konatsu> You really need to take dancing lessons, Kumon. Those
steps aren't right at all!
-
The
Dark Jedi only clamps even tighter onto the wrist and twists it,
jerking Konatsu down...)
-
JUNK: By this time, he knows that Konatsu's a guy! Why is he doing that?
SHEILA: Why is he... never mind! I don't want to know!
-
Kumon: Jedi Yamasenken! Kaichu Hoju Satsu!
-
ACE: <Kumon> And a side of tempura, thanks.
-
(Konatsu yells in pain as Kumon snares him in a vicious bear-hug.
-
SHEILA: <Kumon> I love you, and I want you to have my babies!
ACE: <Konatsu> Ow! That's too hard! Ow!
JUNK: <Kumon> Sorry... I had Pink and Link oil me up before the fight,
and I'm still a little stiff.
SHEILA: <Konatsu> Just let me slip out of my robe here...
ACE: <Kumon> Whoa! That got rid of it!
-
He grins evilly and proceeds to really apply pressure, causing
Konatsu to scream out again.)
-
JUNK: <Konatsu> Oh, YES! MORE! MORE!
SHEILA: You really are sick, you know that?
NACHO: You forgot to tag your <Kumon> line.
SHEILA: It wasn't a <Kumon> line...
-
Kumon: You are dead, Jedi.
Konatsu: (grits teeth) Not...yet!
-
NACHO: <Konatsu> Just give me a few more seconds... there I go! (dies)
-
(Konatsu smashes her forehead into the dark lord's, stunning him.
-
NACHO: <Kumon> (stares at the stunned Konatsu> Well, that was easier
than I expected.
-
In the process she kicks free, landing several feet away. Darth
Kumon charges before she has a chance to regain her breath. He
leaps, coming down with a powerful cupped hand strike.
-
ACE: <Konatsu> It's okay, kids. It didn't really hurt me.
NACHO: <Kumon> Cupping your hand compresses the air to make it sound
louder.
-
Konatsu
rolls away underneath him and Kumon strikes the walkway, which
obligingly explodes.
-
NACHO: <Walkway> I don't wanna explode!
SHEILA: <Kumon> You'll do what you're told and like it, dammit!
-
Konatsu stares as what remains of the
walkway creaks, then the overstressed connections to its supports
snap and the whole thing falls. She scrambles for purchase as
the giant slab descends into the huge chamber.
-
SHEILA: <Konatsu> Quick! The stock market is crashing! BUY! BUY! BUY!
GET RID OF YOUR MONEY!
ACE: Huh? I don't get it.
SHEILA: Scrambling for purchase... never mind.
-
The walkway comes
to a rest, dumping her onto the one two stories down.
-
NACHO: How many stories was that again?
ACE: Doesn't matter. It's the conventional ledge that's always there to
catch whoever's falling.
SHEILA: <Stagehand> Okay, Konatsu's safe! Pack this thing up! We've got
a scene where Tarzan's vine snaps in twenty minutes on Set C!
-
Konatsu
rolls to her feet and shakes her head.)
Tofu: (running up) Are you alright, sensei?
-
NACHO: <Konatsu> I don't think so... I'm hearing you speaking in
tongues!
-
Konatsu: I live. I see you've recovered.
Tofu: At least...
-
NACHO: <Tofu> ... although I may have done more. We won't know until the
results come back.
-
Kumon: (steps forward) Well well, back together again?
Konatsu: Behind me, Tofu-Wan.
Tofu: I want to help!
-
SHEILA: <Konatsu> That's the idea! That's where I dropped my lightsaber!
-
Kumon: Cowards like you are no help to anyone. (pause) DON'T
MOVE!
-
ACE: <Tofu> Sure thing, Mr. Kumon!
NACHO: An anvil falls from the ceiling, barely missing Tofu.
ACE: <Tofu> Wow, that was close!
-
(Konatsu stabs her lightsaber forward as the Sith Lord charges
in...but her eyes widen as a golden rope snaps around her wrist.
Kumon jerks to a halt and pulls the rope viciously.
-
NACHO: The rope snaps.
ACE: <Kumon> Damn! I knew I should have bought the high-test line!
-
Konatsu is
sent flying forward, to connect with Kumon's knee in mid-flight.
The Jedi coughs up a small stream of blood and staggers back, but
Kumon's fist connects with her face and sends her skidding into a
corridor with large energy projectors placed along the walls.
-
SHEILA: <Tour Guide> And these large-screen projectors show the history
of Dojo's royal family... Ooh, look! Here's Darth Kumon, to say a few
words for us...
NACHO: <Kumon> Go to hell.
SHEILA: <Tour Guide> Now, up ahead, you'll see the fabulous stacked
walkways...
-
Tofu steps forward and places himself again between Konatsu and
Kumon.)
Kumon: So you will stop me? (opens arms wide) Fine then, strike
me down. I won't defend myself.
-
ACE: <Tofu> (chops off Kumon's head) Ha! Pretend to be a pacifist for
long enough, and they'll always give you an opening!
-
Tofu: (steps forward hesistantly) I...I... (puts lightsaber down)
-
NACHO: <Tofu> (to the lightsaber) You're worthless as a sword, you
snap-hiss too loudly, and your glow isn't bright enough!
-
I can't.
Kumon: (shoves Tofu aside) Then leave the fighting to the real
warriors.
-
SHEILA: The Phoenix?
NACHO: The Bioroids?
ACE: Yet more incredibly obscure Ranma characters who have yet to make
an appearance?
-
(dashes into the corridor)
Tofu: I... (grips lightsaber tighter) Damn it!
-
ACE: <Tofu> Damn this useless lightsaber straight to hell!
-
(He turns and runs after them. Meanwhile, Konatsu leaps to her
feet just as Kumon reaches her.
-
JUNK: <Konatsu> Oh, no you don't! My groin is still aching from the last
time!
-
The dark lord lashes out with a
powerful strike that forces Konatsu back from the corridor into a
circular room with no other exits other than a huge pit in the
centre.
-
NACHO: So, he got knocked in through a one-way door?
ACE: <Konatsu> Oh, well. I guess there's no other way out. (leaps into
pit)
SHEILA: <Konatsu> Ooh, it's a ball pit! What fun!
-
Konatsu backflips over the pit and lands opposite Kumon,
who grins.
-
JUNK: <Kumon> Quite a view of your panties from that angle.
-
Tofu rushes up behind them, but stops as the energy
projectors suddenly activate and produce a field of red light
between him and the two combatants.)
-
ACE: <Tofu> Ooh, pretty light! Must... stop... and... stare...
helplessly...
SHEILA: It's the Driver's Ed filmstrip on freeze-frame at the bloodiest
part.
-
Konatsu: (grits teeth) Let's end this now.
-
ALL: THE END.
NACHO: Sorry, no such luck. They're really going to fight this one out
until it's over.
-
Kumon: Fine. (crosses arms across his chest)
-
ACE: <Kumon> I'm gonna tell my daddy!
-
Prepare to face
the true power of the Jedi Ninjutsu Yamasenken!
-
NACHO: So all this time, he's been fighting a fake?
-
(The Sith Lord clenches his teeth and a bright glow begin to
radiate from him.
-
SHEILA: <Kumon> That's right! I have ascended beyond the rank of Super
Saiyan!
NACHO: <Konatsu> What do you mean?
ACE: <Kumon> My hair turns a brighter shade of yellow!
-
Konatsu backs off a step as the light grows so
bright that Kumon appears backlit by the glow.)
-
NACHO: It's useful for laptop screens.
-
Kumon: KIJIN RAISHUU DAN!
-
ACE: <Kijin> Here!
SHEILA: <Raishuu> Present!
NACHO: <Dan> Accounted for!
-
(Konatsu backs up again as Kumon leaps into the air and snaps his
hands away from his chest and out. Arcs of force, little more
than ripples in the viewer's sight, leap from him and slam into
Konatsu.
-
ACE: Now THAT'S using the Force!
NACHO: <Wise Man> Even the tiniest of actions causes ripples in the flow
of space/time. These ripples can have disastrous consequences...
-
The Jedi cries out in agony as she is hurled backwards
to smash through the wall beyond. She falls on her face in the
rubble and lies very, very still.)
-
SHEILA: He's using a dummy as a stunt double.
-
Kumon: It's over.
Tofu: K-konatsu...?
Kumon: (turns) Your master is dead, coward.
-
NACHO: <Tofu> I'm... free? Free from the evil master at last! (dances)
-
Tofu: No... (steps back) Konatsu can't be dead!
Kumon: Nothing can survive the Demon-God Bomb. (smiles) But you
could have prevented it.
-
SHEILA: <Tofu> That's it! I'll destroy the Demon-God so that his power
can never again be used for evil!
-
Tofu: ... (clenches his blade tighter)
Kumon: If you'd had the guts to take me down when you had the
chance, your master would still be alive.
-
NACHO: <Kumon> And you would be dead, because you're still a complete
wimp and you never could have beaten me.
ACE: But on the plus side, his children would be well provided for by
the life insurance policy.
-
(Tofu closes his eyes
tightly) Because you're a coward, you're responsible for this
death. How does it feel, pacifist?
-
JUNK: <Tofu> (reaches down to feel "it") I may be a pacifist... but I'm
certainly not soft!
-
Can you really preserve
life? Or are you nothing but an utter failure?
-
SHEILA: <Tofu> As a doctor, I'm not allowed to discuss my patients'
cases with outsiders.
-
Tofu: NO!
(The barrier goes down and he charges, blade sweeping in deadly
arcs that force the Sith Lord to back up.
-
ACE: <Kumon> Watch where you swing that sword! You nearly hit my
computer!
SHEILA: <Computer> Backup complete. You may now safely destroy your
computer.
-
Tofu cries out in rage
and slashes at Kumon again and again, who sneers at the effort.)
Kumon: Even as a warrior you are a failure!
-
NACHO: <Tofu> I'm just stalling now! With as many characters as we've
got running around, one of them's got to show up here and coincidentally
begin the string of miracles that ends with you dead!
-
Tofu: No! Noone else will die today! (spins and cuts at
Kumon...and catches him)
-
ACE: <Ballet Instructor> Very good! Now, pirouette!
-
(The dark Jedi yells out and slaps his hand over his forearm,
where a vicious cut has marred his flesh. Tofu staggers back as
if he had cut himself instead of the Sith Lord.)
-
SHEILA: He did. Many times. The clumsy oaf.
ACE: Did we forget to mention that he was a failure as a warrior?
-
Kumon: Big mistake.
-
NACHO: <Kumon> I'll be back. Ha, I bet you didn't know I was going to
say that!
ACE: I can't believe you would quote THAT movie...
-
(With a roar, he slashes his palm out, striking the lightsaber in
Tofu's hand. The weapon cracks, and the blade disappears as the
cylinder begins to shoot out sparks.)
-
SHEILA: Decapitating a lightsaber... now that's bold.
-
Kumon: Die.
-
NACHO: Ever get the feeling some people stopped trying?
-
DOJA TENKETSU SHO!
(The dark warrior's hand flies forward...and his fingers sink up
to the knuckles in Tofu's stomach.
-
SHEILA: <Kumon> Ew... what did you eat?
ACE: <Alien living in Tofu's stomach> Quit violating my personal space!
-
The Jedi Sage crumbles around
the strike, eyes as wide as saucers.
-
NACHO: They weren't already? This IS an anime, after all...
-
Then Kumon's knee collides
with his face, and Tofu is pulled away and sent flying into the
wall.
-
NACHO: <Kumon> Ow! I smashed my knee into my face!
ACE: <Tofu> Then who pulled me away and smashed me into the wall?
SHEILA: <Tofu> Oh, it was you, Betty-chan!
-
After smashing a dent into the metal, Tofu slides down and
sits helplessly, only held up by the wall.
-
ACE: <Wall> (towels Tofu's brow) All right, champ, you can get back in
there and give him what for in the second round!
NACHO: <Kumon> ADRIAN!
-
Both his hands cover
the wound in his chest, and he coughs up a trickle of blood. His
broken lightsaber sits in front of him, spitting out sparks
still.)
-
NACHO: <Tofu> (picks up sparking lightsaber, aims it at Kumon)
SHEILA: <Kumon> Aah! My clothes are on fire!
ACE: <Tofu> Wow... and I thought it was broken!
-
Kumon: I have to admit, I didn't think you had it in you.
-
SHEILA: <Kumon> And now it's all over my fingers.
-
(crosses arms with a grunt of effort, and begins to glow)
-
SHEILA: <Kumon> Ow... pulled shoulder... have to be careful... crossing
arms...
-
But
this is the end, Jedi.
-
ALL: THE END.
ACE: Get the jump on it. We might surprise the authors and actually
bring about the end of the fic!
SHEILA: Not likely. They already finished writing it, after all.
ACE: They took their time of it, though.
-
If only the begining of my revenge!
-
NACHO: "Begining?" Must mean "futility" or something...
ACE: Seriously, what revenge is he talking about? He already killed
Konatsu... is he pissed at Tofu for not fighting back?
SHEILA: <Kumon> For making me look bad by barely being able to beat a
wuss like you... you must DIE! DIE! DIE!
-
(Up in the orbiting battlecruiser and control ship, Genma raises
his hands and smiles at the bioroid holding a gun to his head
past the canopy.)
-
NACHO: <Bioroid> Tell me, human... how did your head get way over there
past the canopy?
ACE: <Genma> My father always told me not to stick my neck out, or it
would get stuck that way...
-
Genma: Now, let's not be hasty...
Bioroid#863: Get out of the ship. Now.
-
SHEILA: That wasn't hasty?
NACHO: Of course not! Hasty would have been "get out of the ship,
quickly."
-
Genma: Okay... (looks at controls) I think this button opens the
canopy.
-
ACE: (lasers fire) <Genma> Oops. Wrong button.
-
(He hits it. The canopy does not open. Instead, the shields
turn on, blasting the bioroid into two pieces.
-
ACE: (blinks) I've never seen a shield used as a weapon...
NACHO: What about the Lighthawk Wings?
ACE: (pause) I've never seen a shield used as an EFFECTIVE weapon.
-
At the same time,
the engines rev up to full afterburn, sending the ship skidding
forward on its belly.
-
ACE: Ah. Gotta love that dual purpose activate shield/start up engines
button.
-
The flames of the engines wash over the
large structure the ship had been resting against.
-
SHEILA: Never again will the Gardening Union enjoy the cuisine of their
local Taco Bell.
ACE: Now they only serve Tacos Flambe.
-
With a
titanic roar the machinery explodes, sending flaming flaming
debris into the hangar.
-
NACHO: Flaming flaming debris?
ACE: Good god! Even the FLAMES are on fire!
-
Genma's fighter skips past the parked
Republic cruiser a second ahead of the flames.
-
NACHO: He resists the urge to stop and give it a double-parking ticket.
-
These flames also
flood into the conduits of the ship, fusing power junctures and
causing power to build up in the reactor.
-
SHEILA: I think we can all see where THIS is going...
JUNK: <Ship> Oh, Genma! You really get me HOT!
SHEILA: OK... I didn't see THAT coming.
-
The chain reactions
continues until the entire ship explodes in a fantastic blossom
of flame, quickly snuffed by the airless void of space.)
-
NACHO: <Union Leader> That's it! I am never commissioning the Empire to
build a warship again!
-
Grandfather: What happened!? It just blew up!
-
SHEILA: Talk about answering your own question...
-
Fighter pilot: I think I saw one of ours fly out of the ship just
before it exploded!
Grandfather: Where is it now?
-
NACHO: <Fighter Pilot> I just told you. It exploded.
-
Fighter pilot: I don't know. It was falling into the atmosphere
like it was out of control...
-
ACE: <Grandfather> Oh, that explains it. It must have been Genma.
-
(Down below, on the plains of Dojo, Kiima and her forces are
being herded into one large group.
-
NACHO: <Bioroid Leader> That's it... just get into the cage, and we'll
make you a special attraction in our menagerie!
-
Kiima growls in
frustration...and suddenly the bioroids begin to spasm.)
-
SHEILA: <Kiima> Excellent! Our plan worked!
NACHO: <Koruma> What plan?
SHEILA: <Kiima> We got them all to watch the Porygon episode of Pocket
Monsters!
-
Koruma: What?
Kiima: They must have done it! With the control ship gone, they
won't work.
-
NACHO: <Masara> Ah, I see! There's nobody to pay them!
-
(pushes an inert bioroid aside) Let's clean these
things up!
(Meanwhile, in the palace, the sudden loss of their Plant Control
Ship has not gone unnoticed by Pink and Link.)
-
NACHO: They just don't care.
-
Link: Aiya! Without our army we're sitting ducks, over!
-
SHEILA: <Mousse> I resemble that remark!
-
Pink: Don't panic, we can still escape, over!
Link: How, over? (frowns)
-
ACE: <Pink> Sorry. I was just reading the cover of my copy of The
Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, over.
-
Pink: (smirks) We'll use the Queen as a hostage and get out that
way, over.
Link: Brilliant, over!
-
ACE: <Link> But then we'd have to take the Queen with us, over...
SHEILA: <Pink> That bitch? You're right. Forget I suggested it, over.
JUNK: Damn! And I was looking forward to a threesome!
-
Pink: Then we'll call for our armada and return to reconquer the
planet, over.
Nodoka: No! I won't let you! (growls and struggles)
-
NACHO: <Nodoka> Escape if you want, but I won't let you ever come back!
I'm revoking your Vise!
-
Pink: (smiling) There isn't much you can do about it, now is
there, over?
Nodoka: (strains muscles) I wouldn't... (vines begin to creak)
-
SHEILA: Creaking vines? What are they made of, metal?
-
count on it!
(With a cry she snaps the vines holding her and leaps forward.
-
NACHO: <Nodoka> (cries) Ouch! Rope burn!
-
The twin aliens can only stare as she pulls the lightsaber from
her belt and activates it. With a roar she spins and slices
through a nearby pillar, which topples on the two aliens.)
-
ACE: <ALF> Ow... On Melmac, we never got hit by falling pillars.
NACHO: <MAC> (pained whistle)
-
Pink&Link: Ouch, over!
(Nodoka walks over onto the pillar and points the lightsaber down
at the trapped twins.)
-
NACHO: <Nodoka> (high-pitched Nelson laugh) HA HA!
-
Nodoka: I think that wraps everything up, over and out.
(The twins gulp and stare up at their captor with large
sweatdrops on their heads. But below, Tofu is still in trouble.
-
JUNK: <Tofu> I've always wanted to be under the twins... but not being
crushed to death!
-
Kumon's glow has grown stronger than ever, and he is chuckling
evilly. Tofu grimaces as he tries to hold back the bleeding.)
-
ACE: <Tofu> Hold still! You're going into shock from blood loss!
NACHO: <Kumon> I see dead people...
-
Tofu: Why do you hate me so much?
Kumon: Who? Because you remind me of the man who ruined my life!
That's why!
-
SHEILA: (double take) Did they just EXPLAIN something?
NACHO: Nah. You're seeing things. This must be an excerpt from another
story.
-
Tofu: What are you talking about?
Kumon: The Jedi destroyed my life. They took away my family, my
home...everything!
-
NACHO: <Tofu> I think you have us confused with the IRS.
-
Tofu: The Jedi would never do that! We are an order dedicated to
peace!
-
SHEILA: <Kumon> But you killed my family!
ACE: <Tofu> The only true peace is found in death.
-
Kumon: (sneers) That's what -he- said, the wanderer who come to
our home on Tokyo.
-
NACHO: <Kumon> After we stuck those spears in him, he quickly retracted
his statement.
-
He said he wanted nothing more of war. That
didn't stop him from teaching my father and I the Art, however.
-
NACHO: Too bad he didn't teach you grammar as well.
ACE: <Young Kumon> Master! Master! Look! I drawed a sailboat! Is this
Art?
-
Tofu: Wanderer... (eyes widen) Genma's father...
Kumon: (ignoring Tofu) But he was an irresponsible coward like
you!
-
NACHO: Genma's father was Justy Ueki Tylor!
-
My father couldn't handle the power; it was killing him,
driving him mad.
-
SHEILA: It killed him first. THEN it drove him mad.
-
So he destroyed everything around him, nearly
killed me! Then the Jedi finally faced up to his duty, but it
was far too late. They died together that day.
-
JUNK: <Kumon> The sex was too much for them.
-
(smiles cruelly)
But I have mastered the Art, and I will use it to punish all the
Jedi!
-
NACHO: <Tofu> You're a Dark Jedi Ninja, aren't you? That means you'll
have to punish yourself! And since you're the most evil of all the Jedi,
you should be the first to die!
SHEILA: <Kumon> What impeccable logic...
-
Tofu: (eyes darting) You can't really blame the man for your
father's death.
Kumon: (shouts) Why NOT!?
-
ACE: <Tofu> Because he didn't really kill your father. He's still alive
and well, although you've probably forgotten.
SHEILA: <Kumon> How's that?
ACE: <Tofu> Isn't Shinnosuke your son?
NACHO: This isn't a daytime soap opera crossover, you guys...
-
He should have known what would
happen! He should have stepped in sooner! But he was weak! And
weakness is the ultimate sin!
-
JUNK: And all this time, I thought it was incest. I feel better now. I
think I'll go pay my sister a visit.
-
Tofu: No, you poor man. (eyes rest on his broken lightsaber)
Weakness isn't a sin. Misusing strength is.
-
NACHO: <Tofu> It is a sin I will never be able to commit... because I
don't have any.
-
But no one ever
told you that, did they? How sad your life must have been...
Kumon: Save your pity for the weak!
-
SHEILA: Oh, don't let Tofu go feeling sorry for himself!
-
(he crouches; his aura
becomes blinding)
-
JUNK: <Kumon> (groans in pain) I WILL get over this constipation!
-
Tofu: I only hope you can find the light some day. If you seek
forgiveness in your heart, you can still find it.
-
NACHO: Thank you, Jiminy Cricket.
-
Kumon: SHUT UP! (leaps) KIJIN...
Tofu: And then you may forgive me as well. (kicks his
lightsaber, snapping it into the air)
-
ACE: <Tofu> (grabs at lightsaber) (grabs blade) (slices hand off)
NACHO: It's broken, Ace. It has no blade.
ACE: <Tofu> (pained) That's what I thought too...
-
Kumon: RAISHUU... (the lightsaber stops, held in Tofu's
telekinetic grasp, then flies towards Kumon)
-
ACE: It hits him in the head and leaves a nasty lump.
-
DAN!!!
(And the saber enter the point just in front of him as the blades
begin to form.
-
SHEILA: <Tofu> Yes... I am a member of the Jurai Royal Family! Witness
the power of the Lighthawk Wings!
-
They crack the housing into a million pieces, and
Kumon's eyes widen...outside, on the side of the cliff next the
the waterfall,
-
NACHO: There was a lovely view of Paris in the the Springtime.
-
the hapless droid Ok-chan clings. He reaches up
and clamps onto a handhold to help pull himself up.)
Ok-chan: Finally...climbed...all the way...from bottom...
-
SHEILA: Although, knowing that he's going to be falling right back there
again, why did he even bother?
-
(At this point, the wall explodes and Ok-chan is blown clear off
the surface. A dark figure plummets past him, and Ok-chan sighs
as he tumbles back to the forest far below.
-
NACHO: It was a happy sigh.
ACE: <Ok-chan> At least I'm not the only one falling this time.
-
Back inside the
power station, Tofu climbs over the blasted debris towards his
master.
-
NACHO: <Tofu> (grumbling) Rassa frackin' blasted debris...
-
Covered in light burns, he still appears to be several
steps away from critically wounded.
-
NACHO: Of course, Perfectly Healthy is several miles away.
ACE: I'd recommend taking a cab to Hale and Hearty.
-
He comes up to Konatsu and
rolls his master over, wincing as he notes the front of the
outfit has been ripped open and several deep gashes have been
torn in the chest.
-
SHEILA: At least Konatsu himself was untouched.
JUNK: <Tofu> How could you... I wanted to be the one to tear your
clothes off and ravage you!
-
A chest, it may be noted, that bears a
remarkable lack of mammaries.)
-
JUNK: That's okay. Tofu's a pedophile anyway. He likes taking them
before they're old enough.
-
Tofu: Sensei...
Konatsu: (eyes flicker open) Tofu-Wan...?
-
NACHO: <Tofu> NO. I AM DEATH.
ACE: <Konatsu> (has heart attack; dies)
NACHO: <Tofu> Oops. I guess he thought I was serious.
-
Tofu: You're alive!
Konatsu: Tofu...take care of...the boy...
-
ACE: <Tofu> But I usually don't swing that way...
-
Tofu: No! Save your strength!
Konatsu: ....take care of him...until...
-
JUNK: <Konatsu> ...his testicles descend...
SHEILA: Ugh. The fart jokes were bad enough.
-
Tofu: (teary eyes) Until he is ready to stand up for himself?
Konatsu: (piku) No, until I...get out of the bacta tank...
-
NACHO: <Tofu> You bathe in the bacteria tank? You know that's not
healthy, right?
-
(groans) Which, not to rush you...is something I'd like to get
into rather soon...
Tofu: Erk! Sorry, I thought you were dying!
-
ACE: Wishful thinking.
-
(picks Konatsu up
and runs from the room)
(Sometime later, the city cries out in delight.
-
ACE: <City> (delighted) Konatsu really did die!
-
People dance and
sing in the streets as the warriors of the Phoenix, led by King
Saffron, approach the palace.
-
NACHO: It's a Mardi Gras parade!
-
The palace, interestingly, appears
to have a new decoration as a fighter is rather firmly lodged in
the top of it.
-
NACHO: So THAT'S where Kumon landed...
-
Nodoka smiles as Saffron, Koruma, Masara and
Kiima climb the steps to formally thank and be thanked by her.
-
NACHO: <Nodoka> Thank you.
ACE: <Kiima> No, thank YOU.
SHEILA: <Koruma> I don't get it. What's so formal about this?
ACE: <Masara> Neither one of them referred to the other as a bitch.
-
Nearby is Konatsu, bandages wrapped around his newly-unveiled
male chest; apparently his ripped outfit haven't been mended yet.
-
ACE: Of course not. The fangirls need their fix of manly shounen chest.
SHEILA: Konatsu? Manly? Don't make me laugh!
ACE: Not Konatsu. His outfit. Apparently, they're all ripped. But not
mended... yet.
-
Tofu and Genma stand and look on, the latter doing his best not
to look at the fighter while he rolls back and forth on his heels
and whistles innocently.
-
NACHO: <Genma> I really didn't do it! Shinnosuke's grandfather shot me
down! It was there when I got here!
-
Shinnosuke is standing behind a bound
and sour looking Pink and Link, teary-eyed.
-
JUNK: <Shinnosuke> (teary-eyed) Nodoka told me I can't take advantage of
them while they're bound...
ACE: <Shinnosuke> Then again, she's not the Queen! (perks up)
-
Cologne and her
young companion watch everything with interest from nearby.
-
NACHO: <Cologne> I'm wasting fifteen minutes at this pointless ceremony,
so I get three minutes back, at the current rate.
-
Rouge stands to Nodoka's right, looking elegant.
-
NACHO: What's she doing there? She never did anything!
ACE: All of the minor characters get to show up again at the awards
ceremony at the end. It's a rule of Star Wars pictures.
SHEILA: It's where they give out the "Best Character That Didn't Matter
At All" award.
-
Kiima walks to
the side as Saffron and Nodoka exchange pleasantries.)
Kiima: Hmph. I'm surprised it all turned out so well.
-
ACE: <Kiima> With Blade and Epsilon writing it, I was expecting a
fiasco!
-
Konatsu: You should have had more faith, Kiima-san. I told you
it was all a misunderstanding.
-
SHEILA: They never did clear that up, did they?
ACE: By this time, the readers have probably forgotten what it was they
misunderstood.
NACHO: Can we really count on that?
ACE: It worked for Serial Experiments Lain.
-
Kiima: (snorts) You and your misunder... (turns and staggers
back, wide-eyed) Y...you're a GUY!
-
NACHO: <Konatsu> Now who misunderstood?
-
Konatsu: (blinks) Of course I am. Did you think I was a woman?
Kiima: I...that is... (looks at her feet, blushing)
-
JUNK: <Kiima> I'm so relieved... I thought my attraction for you was
homosexual!
-
Stupid
humans! (Tofu snickers) Don't you tempt me! (waves her fist at
Tofu, then looks at Konatsu again) What -happened- to you?
-
NACHO: <Konatsu> It's quite a simple operation, really.
-
Konatsu: I had a run-in with our dark friend. He was quite the
duelist.
Kiima: You took him on by YOURSELF!? (she whaps him upside the
head) That was stupid!
-
ACE: And you expected what, exactly? This is Konatsu we're talking
about, after all.
-
Konatsu: Ah, but the Force is wise...so I don't have to be.
(Kiima falls over.
-
NACHO: Right on top of Ok-chan.
-
Nearby, Nodoka and Saffron turn to raise
their hands together, causing the crowd to cheer once more.
-
SHEILA: Unbeknownst to the crowd, they're actually thumb wrestling for
the throne.
-
Once
that is done, Nodoka turns to Rouge, the latter resplendant in
her new robes.)
-
NACHO: So, who was the former resplendant?
ACE: The evil dwarf, I think. Nobody resplended more than he did.
-
Nodoka: I never had a chance to congratulate you on your election
to the seat of Chancellor, Rouge. You do our people proud.
Rouge: (smiles, eyes glittering) I live but to serve Your
Majesty.
-
SHEILA: <Nodoka> I knew it! You were a spy for Saffron all along!
-
Saffron: Hmm...so you are the leader of the entire galaxy of free
nations, are you?
Rouge: Indeed I am, Saffron-sama.
-
ACE: The ruler of the galaxy uses "-sama" to address the king of a mere
planet? What kind of hierarchy are they running here?
SHEILA: I think she's using the husband-wife form of address... she's
going to make a fine mistress for him.
NACHO: Is it really a good idea for a new Chancellor to have an affair
with one of her constituents?
ACE: It never got Clinton kicked out of office.
-
Saffron: (pats her on the back) It's good to finally meet a
ruler who is almost as important as me! (laughs)
-
SHEILA: <Saffron> Now I know who I'm going to kill first to ensure that
I retain my position!
-
(Off the the side, Cologne and her young companion talk. The
latter is now licking a large lollipop.)
Cologne: They never found the Sith Lord's body, Hinako.
-
NACHO: <Hinako> Didn't they? Oh well. Want a lick of my Kumon-pop?
-
Hinako: No. (lick) They didn't.
Cologne: I have a feeling this is far from over.
-
SHEILA: (looks down) Nope. We've only got about ten lines left!
-
Hinako: (eyes glint) Who knows what evils are out there, waiting
to be unleashed?
-
NACHO: You can all find out, by visiting the C&A Productions website at
http://www.crosswinds.net/~ayiekie/fanfic.htm!
ACE: During the few times Crosswinds is actually working, that is...
-
Cologne: Who indeed... (stares at Genma hard)
(Meanwhile, Shinnosuke wipes the tears from his eyes.)
-
SHEILA: She stared so hard, it brought tears to HIS eyes.
-
Shinnosuke: It's so beautiful.
Pink&Link: (glare)
-
SHEILA: <Pink> Stop staring at us like that, over!
ACE: <Link> Actually, I thought it was rather sweet of him to say that,
over.
JUNK: <Shinnosuke> One out of two ain't bad. Once I get into her pants,
the other one'll cave soon enough.
-
Shinnosuke: But what's all the fuss about? Is it somebody's
birthday? Did I miss something?
-
ACE: No more than we did, Shinnosuke ol' buddy.
-
(The twins fall over.)
-
NACHO: So, they were bound, but they weren't tied TO anything? That's
rather trusting of Nodoka.
ACE: <Pink> Ha! You forgot to tie us down! (knocks lightsaber out of
Konatsu's belt and uses it to cut her ropes)
SHEILA: <Link> We are free! Now you will all die!
NACHO: It would be really cool to explore this new subplot... and we're
so close to the end of the fic. What say we expand this scene and -
EVERYONE ELSE: NO!
-
THE END
-
ALL: FINALLY!
-
<END FANFIC>
NACHO: Well, we did it, guys! We got through the entire fic!
SHEILA: You know what? It really wasn't all that bad!
ACE: I beg to differ. I've brought us a special guest who may disagree
with you.
OK-CHAN: I just couldn't find any humor in this story. It was all rather
brutal, from my perspective. Is this the kind of message we want to give
our impressionable youth?
ACE: Well, Wile E. Coyote is constantly beating himself up...
OK-CHAN: Those are cartoons! This is... (trails off)
NACHO: ... anime.
OK-CHAN: Never mind.
NACHO: But what about the plot and characters?
SHEILA: Not much to say, really. The plot and characters were all
borrowed, remember? All the authors of this piece did was bundle them
all together!
NACHO: Yes, but what about the execution? Obviously, not everyone could
have pulled off such a task this well.
OK-CHAN: They didn't have to bash me so much! I give it three spatulas
down!
NACHO: ... ... This isn't Siskel and Ebert.
OK-CHAN: Even so. I can't lift my spatulas. I think my circuits are
fried.
NACHO: Well, I thought the story could have used a little more humor,
but that's almost always the case with comedies. The characters were
very well-placed, considering that most of the Ranma characters already
had roles in the original trilogy.
ACE: Please tell me we won't have to sit through that, too.
NACHO: Well, I was impressed enough by this story that I plan to read
them all. You don't have to if you don't want to.
SHEILA: It could have used more romance. The closest we got was Konatsu
and Kiima, and they didn't do anything!
JUNK: Speak for yourself...
SHEILA: I won't even ask your opinion.
ACE: And so many subplots were left unresolved! What ever did happen to
Ok-chan after he fell off the cliff? What happened to Shinnosuke's
grandfather and ex-Chancellor Tendo? Why didn't the Dojo Destroyer show
up to wreck the awards ceremony?
OK-CHAN: I can answer the first question. Tons of pain.
NACHO: They also never did reveal who the evil dwarf was, did they?
SHEILA: Oh well. We all know there's going to be a sequel...
NACHO: All in all, it was a great job for a story whose plot was more or
less already set.
OK-CHAN: I don't remember any helpless, tortured droids in the
original...
ACE: I tried to forget the original.
NACHO: Ace, what did you think of it, honestly?
ACE: (blink) I was supposed to read the story?
NACHO: Well, I think it's only common courtesy to tell the original
author what you thought of their work, now that you've finished tearing
it to pieces.
ACE: Right. Then I guess I'll go read it.
NACHO: And try to take it seriously, this time!
ACE: Sure. No problem. (returns to top of fic)
NACHO: Anyway, thanks for coming, Ok-chan. We really appreciate it.
OK-CHAN: You're welcome. Now... where's the elevator?
SHEILA: Right over there, but...
OK-CHAN: Thanks. You've been great, really. (gets into elevator)
SHEILA: ... it's out of order.
OK-CHAN: I hear cables creaking... (the cables snap, sending the
elevator plunging thirty floors down) AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! NOT YOU TOO,
NIDOKING!
NIDO: Sorry. I just thought that would give your little subplot a bit of
closure.
NACHO: Ace, how's the reading coming along?
ACE: (to fic) Run, Wars, Run!
NACHO: Somehow, I doubt he'll be any more ready to give his opinion the
second time around... anyway, thanks for reading, everybody. We hope to
see you again soon!
SHEILA: Wherever fanfiction needs humor, you'll find OAV 42.
JUNK: And nude women. Plenty of nude women.
NACHO: Until next time, this is Nacho saying "So long, and thanks for
all the fish."
REALLY REAL PRODUCTIONS IS:
NIDOKING
RAN WARS: THE FANDOM MENACE is by BLADE and EPSILON
*
Original voice: Hey, you moron! Aim at the enemy!
Genma: I said oops...
-------------------------------------------------------------
REESE: Okay, we've got to think of a really dirty nickname for that girl
who's been bugging you and spread it around school... what was her name
again?
DEWEY: Regina Tucker.
REESE: (pause) We'll think of something.
FORCHE: Hey! Far out!
NIGHTCRAWLER: I swear, that homey's lingo is so whack!
ZETA: It's a 20th century illumination-providing device known as a light
bulb. Apparently, it caused a great deal of trouble near the end of the
century.
RO: Why is that?
ZETA: Nobody could agree on how many people it took to change one.
My webpage: http://www.rose-hulman.edu/~katinamp
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
desaix@sysnet.net
Sir Desaix, member # 116 of the Knights of the True Fiancee
anime fanfics available at
http://www.geocities.com/zednik.geo/fanfics.htm
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