Disclaimer: Ranma 1/2 belongs to Rumiko Takahashi and co., and
there's nothing I can do about it. I don't make any money on this and 
if anybody does, don't. Unless you actually have the rights to Ranma 
1/2, in which case there's not much I can do to prevent it.

DUCK AND PEACHES AT THE FOOT OF FLOWER MOUNTAIN
 By Hans Holm

CHAPTER THREE

Mousse was awakened by someone placing a weight on his chest. It wasn't
very heavy, but somehow it got a grip on his hair...and it drooled. At least,
he hoped it was drool. But he had to open his eyes and put on his glasses 
before being sure. Then he heard someone speaking softly next to him.
"No, no, Hairspray. If you want to wake daddy up by pulling his hair you
have to pull harder...LIKE THIS!!"
"Waitwaitwait, I'm awake now, OK?"
"Good, then you can go and make breakfast."

"So, Mousse, have you decided on what you're going to do?", Cologne 
asked during breakfast.
"Huh?", he answered intelligently.
"Now that you're a father you must learn to be more responsible", Cologne
continued solemnly.
"Well...first I'll have to work out which of my jobs I can afford to quit.
Then I guess I'll have to find a place to live..."
"WHY!?", Shampoo exclaimed.
"So you're not going back to China, I assume?", Cologne asked.
"Not yet anyway. I guess I'm not quite ready to give up on running hot
water just yet. Is there a reason I should get back to China right this 
moment?", Mousse answered, ignoring Shampoo's outburst.
"Well, not at this very moment. Not that I know of.", Cologne said,
before adding quietly "After all, Saffron's not much older than Hairspray
at the moment."
"What was that?"
"Never mind."

"What was that about figuring out which work to quit and finding 
somewhere to live?", Shampoo asked as they were washing up.
"Well, I don't think I can have three part-time jobs and take care of
Hairspray at the same time. This is the worst-paying and if I quit this I
doubt I'll get free bed and board here, so I might as well see if I can find
somewhere else."
"So you're just going to leave me and great-grandmother to run the
Nekohanten by ourselves!"
"You've managed fine without my constant presence so far. Besides, I 
haven't quit yet. So don't start celebrating yet."
"I wasn't...I mean...what other jobs?"
Well...there's this bar/nightclub that has use for both a bartender and an
occasional stage magician..."
"Where?"
"I'm not telling. And in theory they don't let anybody under 21 in.
Besides, I also make more money entertaining kids at _one_ birthday party 
than I make in a month here."
"Oh...I'll go talk to great-grandmother...and I think Hairspray needs
a diaper change."

* * * * * *

"Akari? You're our guest. You don't need to make breakfast. I'll handle it."
"It's no trouble, Akane. Besides, I have to repay your generosity somehow."
Ranma was trying to look as if he had nothing to do with the sudden change
of breakfast-cook. He didn't, but who'd believe him?

"So, Akari, what brings you to Tokyo this time?", Nabiki asked while they
were eating. "It's not just a sudden urge to go looking for Ryoga, is it?"
"My school...uh, sort of blew up and..."
"Your school too? It must be something going around", Soun noted
absently from behind his newspaper.
"...they had to close for... what do you mean 'your school too'?"
"Furinkan sort of blew up last week.", Akane explained.
"At night, and Ranma wasn't even near the place", Nabiki added.
"And what are you kids planning for today?", Genma-panda asked via sign.
"Ryoga promised he would show this new technique he discovered!",
Ranma answered as he grabbed Ryoga's hand and made his escape before 
his father suggested something that could be interpreted as a double date.
"Unless the novelty's already worn off, I assume Akane and Akari will be
over at the Nekohanten helping traumatise Mousse's daughter", Nabiki 
said.
"Her name is Hairspray", Akane muttered.

"Mousse has a daughter? Mousse, as in Shampoo's not-boyfriend?!"
Soun actually looked up from the newspaper.
"The baby's mother obviously thought so", Akari said.
Soun and Genma-panda looked at each other, then they grinned.
"Are you thinking what I'm thinking, Tendo?", Genma asked Soun via sign
before both hurriedly left the room.
"What was that about?", Akari asked.
"Off-hand, I'd say that unless there's a Saotome or Tendo son we don't 
know of, we've just witnessed the birth of a plan based on the concepts of
'peer pressure' and 'grandchildren'", Nabiki answered.

* * * * * *

About halfway to the Nekohanten they met Mousse with a sleeping Hairspray 
in a pram.
"Got thrown out already?", Nabiki asked.
"No, but Cologne and Shampoo was getting too loud so I decided to take 
Hairspray for a walk until they've stopped fighting", Mousse answered.
"Cologne and Shampoo are fighting? Why?", Akane asked.
"It seems Shampoo doesn't like the idea of me moving", Mousse explained 
happily.
"What?! You're moving?"
"Are you going back to China?"
"No. Not yet anyway, but since I'm probably going to quit working at 
the Nekohanten I don't think Cologne'll let me stay."
"Quit? Why?"
"It's the worst-paying job I have and I need more free time to take 
care of Hairspray."
" _More_ free time? I thought you worke..."
"So, have you found somewhere to live yet?", Nabiki interrupted.
"I haven't really had time to start looking yet. Besides it's still 
unclear whether I actually have to move.", Mousse answered.
"Will it be an immediate eviction or will Cologne wait until you actually 
have somewhere else?", Nabiki said.
"If it comes to it, I guess we can squeeze in some more houseguests... 
or maybe Ukyo has some spare room", Akane said.
"It certainly seems she wouldn't mind taking Hairspray off your 
hands", Akari added.
"Which would explain why Shampoo is so keen on them not moving", Nabiki remarked.
"Actually, I think I'll move anyway, eventually. I've experienced 
Amazon child-raising techniques first-hand and as long as I live under 
Cologne's roof I risk Hairspray experiencing them. At least those that 
can be done in the privacy of the Nekohanten", Mousse said.
"That bad?", Akane asked.
"The more I learn about Ranma's childhood, the more I start suspecting 
that there's a little Amazon in Genma", Mousse replied.
"Several, if they're Cologne's size", Nabiki added. "Anyway, do you 
have anything planned for today?"
"Not really...well, maybe try to explain to Kuno that the pig-tailed girl 
has nothing to do with Hairspray...", Mousse said.
"Good! Then we're going apartment hunting!", Nabiki exclaimed. 

* * * * * *

A few hours later, the group entered Ucchan's.

"I think that, maybe, four teenagers and a baby are a less than ideal 
group composition for apartment hunting", Mousse remarked.
"Come on, it wasn't that bad", Akari said.
"It's not as if we got thrown out of anywhere", Akane noted.
"I'm sure that those shocked expressions won't affect your chances of
getting an apartment, once they realise it's only for you and Hairspray",
Nabiki said. "And there's still a lot of apartments left."
"Sooner or later we'll find someone who hasn't heard of Ranma", Akane 
added.

"What are you talking about?", Ukyo asked, interrupting them.
"Mousse is moving, so we've been helping him find an apartment", Akari
answered.
"Moving? Why? And what was that about finding someone who hasn't 
heard of Ranma?"
"It seems that people are a little reluctant to rent apartments to people who 
appear to be martial artists and show up in the company of several girls", 
Mousse answered. "You see, they've heard about this guy called Ranma 
who is a martial artists, has lots of girlfriends and has rivals who tend to
cause extensive property damage."
"Maybe we should get you a new wardrobe as well", Akari told him. "If you
dress a little less like someone from a Kung Fu-movie, maybe you'll be less 
conspicuous."
"You know, everybody knows that 'this Ranma-guy' always wear Chinese
clothing", Nabiki added.
"He's moving because he's getting worried about raising Hairspray under
Cologne's supervision", Akane said. "It seems she wrote Genma's book on
parenting."
"I can't say I'm surprised..."
Ukyo was interrupted by the phone ringing.

Konatsu answered it.
"Ucchan's Okyo...No, Ma'am...yes, Ma'am...no...no...yes...yes, I'll ask
them...OK, bye. That was Cologne, she asked if anybody's seen Shampoo.
It seems she and Shampoo had an argument and Shampoo ran off...oh, and
Kuno came by looking for Mousse."
"I suppose she wasn't obliging enough to tell him he's here?", Ukyo asked.
"How would she now? It's not as if I planned on going here when I left",
Mousse said.
"He should be able to work it out himself", Nabiki said. "Or at least 
remember where foul sorcerers generally hang out around here."
"What's that supposed to mean?"; Akane asked.
"The foul sorcerer Saotome is generally found at the Tendo's, Furinkan,
Nekohanten or Ucchan's", Nabiki said. "Furinkan's out of the question at
the moment and he's already been at Nekohanten. He should get here sooner 
or later."

* * * * * *

Shampoo was perched on the roof of the highest building she could find,
and pondered the injustice of it all. It was all Mousse's fault. As always. He
was always messing things up, even when they were kids. And now he'd...
done this. There really should be an Amazon rule against it. Really. But
great-grandmother just laughed at her when she'd brought it up. And
then again when she suggested to give him a raise or something so he 
wouldn't move to where they couldn't keep an eye on him and 
prevent...this kind of thing from happening again. Once she became 
Matriarch she would make sure there would be a rule about that. One that 
was reproact...retroact...one that also covered things that had been done in 
the past. Then _she_ would get the last laugh. And everybody was getting 
all gooey over Hairspray, and were falling over themselves to help poor 
Mousse. As if he was just an innocent victim. Even great-grandmother! 
Especially Ukyo! She'd even bought stuff for them. If it had been Ranma 
they'd be tearing him apart. At least she would. Maybe. But if she tore
Mousse apart, _she_ would be stuck with _his_ baby. And everybody would 
blame her. Maybe she could get Ukyo to chase Mousse instead? She seemed 
to simply adore Hairspray. Or maybe Akane would realise that she really 
loved Mousse? They were always teaming up against her anyway. _And_ 
they got along great. Well, apart from the kidnapping but Akane had
forgiven Mousse faster than she had ever forgiven Ranma. And Akane had 
given Hairspray _a lot_ of clothes. So Akane liked Hairspray, at least. That 
was a start. _Everybody_ liked Hairspray. She was cute, but not _that_ cute. 
It probably had something to do with them sleeping out of earshot. And not 
being expected to help all of the time. Hairspray was _much_ cuter when 
she wasn't doing anything or sleeping. Which wasn't often. At least 
Hairspray would keep Mousse from pestering her all the time. Probably. She 
had only been around for a day or so. But Mousse _hadn't_ tried _anything_ 
since she showed up. And _everybody_ was changing their schedules to fit 
around Hairspray. It wasn't fair. Everybody fussed over Hairspray as if she 
was the only thing that mattered. Nobody cared about Shampoo. Nobody 
loved Shampoo. Mousse had hardly looked at her since Hairspray appeared. 
Maybe Shampoo should have an accident? Then they'd all come to visit 
_her_. If she died they'd all be sorry! Hopefully. But what if they wasn't? 
Maybe she should just move out of  Nekohanten herself? If Mousse could 
get two other jobs, she should be able to get some too. And everything 
would be much easier if she had an  apartment of her own. Where she 
could...do things without great-grandmother noticing. And when had any of 
great-grandmother's plans or magic stuff ever worked out as they should? 
She would have done much better without her "help", or Mousse's.

At this point her train of thought was derailed by her stomach, which 
pointed out that it was way past lunch-time. As she wasn't to keen on going
back to Nekohanten at the moment, she decided to o to Ucchan's. If nothing
else, she could tease Ukyo about how she acted around Hairspray.

* * * * * *

Kuno stopped to think for a moment. The vile miscreant Mousse had had
his way with the pig-tailed girl. Now he was at Ucchan's with _five_
other girls, not counting the baby. And one of them was _Akane_! But
something didn't match up - why would they all leave Saotome all of a
sudden. And for Mousse? OF COURSE!! Saotome had only been a 
temporary vessel for the foul sorcerer and now it was used up so he had
switched to a fresh body. Come to think of it, he hadn't seen Saotome for
days. Since after Furinkan blew up. Yes, it all made sense now. Saotome's
body had been killed in the explosion, so the sorcerer had taken a new one.
It didn't matter. It was his sworn duty to destroy the sorcerer, regardless of
which body he inhabited.

* * * * * *

"Kuno's outside", Konatsu remarked. "You want me to..."
"No, I'll do it myself", Mousse said.

"Foul sorcerer, your reign of..."
"Will you shut up and listen, Kuno? Hairspray is _my_ daughter. HEY! 
LISTEN TO ME!! The pig-tailed girl has nothing to do with her. She is
_not_ her mother or her wet-nurse or her god-mother or her future mother-
in-law, get it? She is not involved in any way! LISTEN TO ME!"
"...for good will always triumph over evil. I am the mighty warrior of..."
"(expletive) The hard way it is, then."
"...and I will punish you! In the name of..."
"GET ON WITH IT!"

Kuno drew his bokken and charged.
Mousse jumped out of the way, waiting for the right moment to 
counterattack.
He threw a couple off egg-bombs in Kuno's general direction, followed by a 
bowling ball in Kuno's more exact direction. Kuno cut it in half.
"Do you have any idea how expensive that was?!"
"Silence, varlet!"
Kuno charged again.
"MOUSSE!", someone screamed.
The almost panicked scream distracted Mousse, who misjudged his dodge.
As Kuno prepared himself for a more solid and final blow, he was hit
over the head from behind and collapsed.
"I can't turn my back without you getting yourself in trouble, can I?", 
Shampoo said.
"I was doing fine until you showed up", Mousse said.
"Sure."

"Anybody want to bet on how long it takes them to get to uncute tomboy
or the Amazon equivalent?", Nabiki asked, as the argument rapidly 
escalated.
The only answer she got was Hairspray drooling on her shoulder and
the nagging thought that it was probably time for another diaper change.

* * * * * *

Somewhere else...
Imagine a throne room set up in an abandoned amusement park by the kind
of people who gets most of their furniture from what 'the surface-dwellers',
'the up-siders' or whatever term they choose for them throw away...

Since this is a good moment to break the fourth wall and introduce the 
people present, we will:

� � � � � �

The bored-looking man lounging on what was obviously once an expensive
armchair is Blumberg the Sorcerer. They say that if you never change style 
you'll be fashionable at least twice during your lifetime and he's obviously
waiting for the 1840's to make a comeback. 

The Chinese man to his right, with almost waist-length white hair and 
wearing a voluminous black Chinese robe is his current right-hand man, 
Wu Jing - mercenary martial artist, thief for hire and general trouble.

The pale girl, dressed like a necromantic stage magicians assistant, who is
sprawling on a sofa is Graveyard Sammi. Since she doesn't need to breathe
any longer the snoring must be coming from someone who is awake.

The bald African in an impeccable white suit and matching eye-patch,
lounging on another sofa, is generally known as Ananzi. Further 
introductions should be unnecessary.

The man wearing a gas-mask and a midnight blue trenchcoat over a
ragged uniform (the military historically inclined will point out that it is, 
in fact, pieces from several different WW I uniforms) calls himself
Lumpen. The trenchcoat flaps in a wind nobody else can feel and
occasionally seems to reach towards nearby objects.

The Indian giant is named Jagannath. Remember: Don't call him a thug,
_those_ are worshippers of Kali, so he might take offence. Not that the
modern and general definition of the word doesn't accurately describe him.

This tableaux is interrupted by the entrance by a female midget dressed in
a style best described as Road Warrior meets A Midsummer Night's 
Dream...

� � � � � �

The midget kneeled before Blumberg and tried to catch her breath.
"I think I've found it. Just a few days after the girl's. uh...accident, another 
member of the circus left for Japan."
Blumberg stalked up to her and lifted her by her collar:
"You call THAT finding it, Mab? Finding out that someone went to Japan?"
"He brought something with him", Mab gasped. "It has to be the object 
we're looking for..."
"With alll due rrespect, sirr", Lumpen interrupted, "based on what we 
allrready know, this in alll prrobabillities lleads us strraight to it's currrent 
keeperr."
"Elementary, sir", Ananzi said, "We know that only one former member
of the circus currently resides in Japan. We also know his relationship to
the young lady, where and when he left the circus and where he's staying."
"Obviouslly", Lumpen continued, "she entrrusted it to the one perrson she 
knew who coulld keep it frrom Wu Jing. Herr intimate frriend Mu Si of 
the Joketsuzoku, currrently rresiding in Nerrima."
"Find him, and we find everything", Ananzi finished. "As the French say
'Cherchez le canarde.'"

* * * * * *

To be continued...

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