To reply, post publically or e-mail the author at <iamfanboy@yahoo.com>
Enjoy!

The FFML Refugee List


And now for something... completely different.


Disclaimer: According to the theories of Darwin, the
people depicted
in this fic could not, actually, exist. The fact that
people like
this do, indeed, exist is a strong argument for
creationism. Any
resemblance to persons either living or dead is
probably no coincidence, but you can think so if it
makes you feel better. In no
way should you find anyone in this fic to be inspiring
in ANY way. We
mean it.



TO: iamfanboy@hotmail.com
RE: your new fic


Since the dawn of the Internet, many badly written
fics have been
inflicted on poor, unsuspecting readers. But, in the
Year of Our
Lord 2001, two hands (one left, one right), eight
separate fingers,
and two theoretically opposable thumbs have abused a
keyboard in
such a way that the electrons themselves no doubt
screamed in agony
as they were compelled by Ohm's Law to travel through
the buses of
your computer, causing minute changes in the surface
of your hard
drive as you wrote.

I opened your fic at two-thirty this afternoon, having
enjoyed your
works in the past and fully expecting another
twenty-five minutes of
pure pleasure. Instead, what my corneas were subjected
to makes my
frontal lobes ache with the pain of trying to figure
out why. Just
why.

In short, your fic sucks choad. I don't want to see
any of your
works ever again. You may have spoiled internet
fanfiction for the
rest of my life. You are the reason that fanfiction
will never be
taken seriously by the world. And, in the names of
Teleute, Discordia,
and Skuld, never, never, NEVER write a sequel!

send [Y/N] Y

THE NEXT ULTIMATE KUNG FU NINJA FANBOY DUEL
PART II
SECOND VENGEANCE


Ah, the cybernet cafe. Home to many and varied forms
of life,
most of them living on the people who frequent it. The
customers at
such a place varies from the poser who only checks his
email to the
hardcore person who sleeps under the desk rather than
miss anything.

One such person was staring at his screen, in awe of
the
Ultimate Flame. He enjoyed flames more than anything
else in the
world. Once, he'd started a flame war that had crashed
three servers
before burning out (if you'll pardon the pun.) But
this...

This should be enshrined for all to see. It was
glorious.
That was the only way to describe it.

A chime that indicated yet another customer
distracted him
from his ruminations. His first thought was _Oh,
another wannabe
here to luse at Starcraft_ before the scent of a true
brother
crossed his nostrils.

He turned and gaped in awe, for the newcomer's rotund
torso
was incased in a shirt covered in a series of ones and
zeroes, grouped
in eight. Quickly translating, he gasped, for the
shirt read, simply,
"I speak in Assembly."

Why, it was even on a par with his own shirt of Skuld
the Bug
Hammer! Thus, he wasn't at all upset when the newcomer
sat down beside
him. Without looking away from his screen, the
newcomer said, "#include
<iostream.h> voidmain() {cout<"What's your IRC
handle?";} return(0);"

"IF server=efnet, THEN chat Super_Gadget, ELSE END."
He wasn't
surprised when a message popped up on his screen
moments later.

sdryu: So, how've ya been?

SUPER_GADGET: Been worse. Just got doen flaming some
moron, which'll
make me feel good for days. You?

sdryu: Not bad. Posted a fic recently, and I need to
check my email.
The home machine's down with a cold.

Super_Gadget: That sucks. I blew a hard drive last
year and still aint
got around to replacing it.

Several moments passed, which Super_Gadget used to
check his
own email for the twelfth time that day. Then,

sdryu: Hey, check this flame that I got. It's pretty
lame.

A segment of text followed. As he read it,
Super_Gadget's
indignation and rage grew, for this, this, THIS... was
his own flame.

And this poser had called it LAME.

Super_Gadget's fingers flew over the keyboard.

Super_Gadget: YOU'RE the moron that wrote that piece
of utter tripe?

sdryu: YOU'RE the prep school luser that sent me that
boring flame?
 I've farted better flames than that!

Super_Gadget gasped in shock.

Super_Gadget: You dare to call me a luser?�?�?�? I
have no doubt in my
 mind that one such as you would open any Todd
MacFarlane toy you buy!

There was no response for several seconds, and
Super_Gadget sat,
content in the knowledge that once again he had come
out on top.
Then, like the first cannon salvos echoing across a
battlefield, text
appeared in a reply box.

sdryu: You can't sing along to your jpop cds.

Super_Gadget: Have you even watched an anime that
wasn't on Toonami?

sdryu: How many hours did it take you to get all the
characters on
 Marvel vs. Capcom 2? Nine?

Super_Gadget: I don't think you know what the word
baka means, so I
 won't bother calling you one.

sdryu: Makkanagee morkan!!!

Super_Gadget: Where did you learn your elvish?
Everquest, perhaps?

Super_Gadget watched from the corner of his eye as
sdryu's
hands clenched the corner of the keyboard's sliding
tray, sending
little cracking noises forth. Then,

sdryu: At least my ICQ number doesn't have eight
digits.

Super_Gadget slid the chair back, stood up, and
leveled one
finger at his accuser! He screamed, "That's only
because I had to
change it!" He looked around the room, for in the
silence that followed
his shout, all eyes had fallen upon him. He asked,
somewhat indifferently, "What?"

He inhaled slowly. He exhaled slowly. He carefully
sat down
into his chair and slid it back into battle stations.
Fingers poised
like spiders over the keyboard, he typed the words he
knew would win
him any flame war. He detested their use, much like
any government
would detest the use of nuclear weapons, but he had no
choice.

Super_Gadget: At least I don't subscribe to 2600.

And it was on.

sdryu: WHAT DID YUO SAY!!!!

Super_Gadget: You heard me.

sdryu: Okay, THAT'S IT!!! We settle this, rihgt here,
right now!!!

Super_Gadget: Fine, you poser. I challenge you to a
duel of who has
 seen more anime, played more video games, and enjoyed
more bad kung
 fu movies.

"Very well!" The two combatants stood and faced each
other.
Throwing their backpacks into alternate corners, sdryu
raised one hand
in the proper manner and dropped it. And the scene
changed!

Now they were standing in a very proper Japanese
dojo, done in
fine wood paneling. Several holes in the wall were
boarded up crudely,
adding an image of age and hard use. Super_Gadget
looked around,
unimpressed. "I see you have chosen the Tendo Dojo as
our first venue.
Nice, but hardly original."

"Be quiet! Fierce Punch!" Super_Gadget blocked
sdryu's attack
and countered with a Low Kick. sdryu flipped
backwards, defying
gravity neatly, and Taunted his foe.

"Where did you learn to fight? Invincible Super
Chan?"

sdryu stopped Taunting at this insult to his ability
and
scowled. "Where did you learn your ballet? Jean-Claude
Van Damme?"

Super_Gadget scowled in return. "For that, you die.
Spinning
Bird Kick!"

sdryu ducked and said, "I see you have mastered your
basics.
But you still lack knowledge of your Alphas.
Shin-Shoryuken!"

Super_Gadget blocked and laughed aloud. "That is
where you are
wrong, my friend. I have moved one step beyond." And
Mega Man leapt
onto the battlefield, along with Strider Hiryu! They
attacked sdryu from
several directions at once, and he just barely avoided
becoming a
smear. They leapt away, and Super_Gadget raised one
hand in the air.
"Assist Good!"

He was too busy exulting in what he'd assumed to be
his
victory to notice as sdryu walked up to him, did a set
of impossible
splits, and socked him in the balls. "Johnny Cage Nut
Punch!"
Super_Gadget clutched his jewels, turned a horrible
shade of blue,
and fell over onto his side.

sdryu got to his feet from the splits, clutched his
jewels,
turned a horrible shade of blue, and fell over onto
his side. After
fifteen minutes of writhing around in sheer agony,
they both struggled
to their feet. sdryu looked at Super_Gadget. "Mortal
Kombat to dev/null."

"Agreed. Mortal Kombat to dev/null." Super_Gadget,
not wishing
to give his opponent a moments respite, whirled around
several times.
When he stopped, he had a red cape over his shoulders,
a picnic basket
in his hands, and a cute puppy yapping at his feet. He
pulled a machine
gun from the basket and leveled it at sdryu. It spit
forth a solid
stream of lead, that, nevertheless, impacted
harmlessly against sdryu's
chest! It tore away at his shirt, until it revealed
the big "S"
underneath. Out of ammo, Super_Gadget chucked the gun
at sdryu, who
ducked of course.

"The kid gloves are off!" He ran forward, leaving a
trail of
images behind him that shimmered in the air like
mirrors. Super_Gadget
threw one Hard Punch, expecting it to impact his foe's
face, and was
thrown off-balance when it met no resistance.

He looked around and saw sdryu standing there,
laughing. "I
see you know how to utilize Bullet Time. But can you
stand against my
Ludicrous Time?" He jumped up into the air and came
down in a Jumping
Left Kick, leaving tacky color behind him as he came.

Super_Gadget just barely managed to dodge. As did, he
gasped,
"He's gone to plaid!" Then, knowing that the fight was
beyond him in
the ordinary realm, he moved it one step up and
leveled one fist at
sdryu. "Can you defend yourself against my Bad Kung Fu
Dub Taunting?"
Then, his lips were moving out of sync with his
words!!!! "Ha ha ha
ha! I laugh at you in insulting ways. Your fighting
techniques are easily
dodged. Ha ha ha ha ha! Now you will must die!"

At first, sdryu writhed in agony, and Super_Gadget's
heart began
to rise. Then, a slight smile lit sdryu's face, and he
began
laughing in a way that ripped through his Bad Kung Fu
Dub Taunting.
Laughing in a way that defied both his sex and nature.
He was
laughing... like Naga the White Serpent.
"OHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHO
HOHOHOHOHOHOOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHO
HOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHO!!!!!"

Cotton in the ears failed to keep away the torment.
He lacked
a pencil with which to smash out his eardrums.
Super_Gadget resorted
to the only thing he could call upon in his defense.
He reached into
one pocked and pulled out his pocket-sized edition of
Oriental
Adventures. Leafing through it, blood leaking from his
ears, he came
to the page that might hold his salvation. "I call
upon the powers of
the Shinobi and my lucky Twenty-Sider, GM's Doom!
Silence, 15' Radius!"

Thankfully, blessfully, the laugh cut off.
Super_Gadget looked
around, saw the shadows in the doorway, and raised one
hand in the
proper manner and dropped it. And the scene changed!

sdryu balanced neatly on the speeding boat and rolled
his eyes
at Super_Gadget. "You chose the ending speedboat chase
from that dog,
Face/Off? Please. You forget," he pointed one accusing
finger at his foe,
"no true fighting movie could afford such an
extravagant scene!"

Super_Gadget said defensively, "I was just in a rush,
that's
all!"

sdryu shook his head. He raised one hand in the
proper manner
and dropped it. And the scene changed!

Perched in the beams of a tall, tall tower at night,
Super_Gadget
looked out over the lights of a massive city and
sniffed. "You want to
destroy Tokyo Tower _again_? Jeez, what do people have
against this thing?"

"Be quiet!" Then, a flame lit up around sdryu, and he
rose up
into the air as his hair became golden and stood up
straight from his
head. Super_Gadget grinned.

"Not a bad idea." And he did the same! Except...

"Gasp! Have you been hiding your Power Levels from
me?"

Super_Gadget grinned wider. "Yes. Your Scouter... is
useless."

sdryu reached into his cargo pocket and removed a
small rubber
duck. He squeezed it, and it gave one forlorn squeak,
as though to cry,
"It wasn't my fault, boss!" Then, he dropped it to the
ground below
and assumed a ready stance that Super_Gadget matched.
And the two
Super Sanjiyan-Form Fanboys rushed into combat.

And reduced the Tokyo Tower to molten scrap in
exactly 2.736
seconds. Super-Gadget glared at sdryu over the burning
rubble. "I
_told_ you that this would happen!" He raised one hand
in the proper
manner and dropped it. And the scene changed!

Now, they were confronting each other on the top of a
ruined,
but still very tall, tower. Under any ordinary
circumstances, they
would not have been able to breathe, but they were
beyond ordinary!
Super_Gadget was impressed despite himself. "The top
of Babel Tower?"

"Yes." They both pulled forth rings and placed them
on their
fingers. Swords of pure energy spouted forth from
their knuckles, and
sdryu looked back and forth between his and
Super_Gadget's. "Your
Shwartz is as big as mine."

They rushed forward, swinging their blades as one.
They locked,
and sdryu grinned at Super_Gadget. "I see that I am
clearly outmatched."

"Then why are you smiling?"

"Because I know something that you do not know."

"And what is that?"

sdryu disengaged violently, throwing himself
backwards. "I am not
left-handed." And he switched hands!

By the second blow exchanged, Super_Gadget knew he
could not win.
So, he sought a different angle. Of course, he could
simply answer the hand-
switch with the same -such is within the idiom- but
that would only give
the advantage to his foe.

He parried his foe's blade, lifting it up above their
heads. And
Super_Gadget slammed his open palm into sdryu's side!
"Taste my Jinx Palm!"

sdryu staggered backwards, his sword of Schwartz
fading away even
as his powers did. "You have stolen my kung fu... is
what I should say.
However, I have knowledge of the Solar Stance! And, by
the way, it only
took me an hour to learn." He gathered his energies
into a ball and flung
it at Super_Gadget, literally blasting him into a
wall.

Super_Gadget slumped from the ground to his hands and
knees. He
spread his fingers over the ground and shouted, "In
the name of Super_Gadget
the Fanboy, I order you, Tochao, Earth Claw, COME
FORTH!"

Three holes *spanged* into the ancient metal, and
then all three of
them started moving, ripping their way in a straight
line towards where
sdryu stood, calm. Super_Gadget grinned savagely.
_Your arrrogance will be
your undoing!_

Then, sdryu reached into his pockets and held six
playing cards high
in the air. As sunlight reflected from their foily
surfaces, he said, "I
remove six white mana from my pool and summon an Armor
Cat!" A cat with a
six-inch orange mohawk running down its spine
appeared, reeling back and
forth. sdryu looked down at it. "Protect me! Forget
your summoning sickness!"

"Mrawoar!" The Armor Cat leapt and wrapped itself
around its
summoner just as Tochao reached them. The icky
invisible bug vanished as it
ran headfirst into the Armor Cat.

Rather than let his foe get the offensive,
Super_Gadget kept his hand
on the ground and focused his energies through that.
"Earth below me, submit
to my will! Dug Haut!"

sdryu jumped into the air. As he looked down on his
foe from Impossible
Hang Time Prospective, he sniffed. "Please. If you're
going to cast a spell,
make it an effective one... like this! METEO!"

And the sky rained death.

sdryu landed as the smoke cleared. He looked around,
but saw no sign
of Super_Gadget. He bowed his head. "You died well..."

"Not yet, and not ever!"

sdryu's head whipped up wildy and he saw that
Super_Gadget was
standing before him, where there had been no one just
a moment ago! "Gasp!
How did you survive!"

In answer, Super_Gadget held up a medallion. "My
Lucia's Pendant
saved me by letting me teleport away."

sdryu reached into his shirt and pulled forth an
identical pendant.
He looked at it for a moment, then looked at his
opponent with a
quizzical expression. Then, the aged metal under their
feet, driven beyond
its final measure, gave one groan and snapped, sending
both the Fanboys
tumbling to their doom.

Super_Gadget raised one hand in the proper manner and
dropped it.
And the scene changed!

Now, they were in a Buddhist temple, with lots of
room to do really
cool stunts. Chandaliers and such hung from the
ceiling, and beams
projected several feet from the walls in an almost
gothic style. sdryu
looked around and laughed lightly. "I hope you don't
expect me to stand on
one foot?"

"Hardly necessary," Super_Gadget said dryly. sdryu
shrugged and ran
for his foe, putting all his speed forth! Super_Gadget
cringed reflexively,
knowing that he could not defend against a strike, but
sdryu ran past him.
And ran up the wall! And tumbled backwards, putting
all his weight into one
final attempt to crush his foe.

Super_Gadget merely crossed his arms across his chest
and stepped to
one side, letting sdryu crash into the floor. Dust
rose up in concentric
rings around the site of impact as Super_Gadget
leveled one finger at his
foe. "I see that you have tried to mimic the run up
the wall technique Neo
used in The Matrix. But your technique is flawed,
for... Neo started with
his left foot. You began with your right."

"Gasp!" sdryu gathered himself into a crosslegged
position. His
Armor Cat uncurled itself from around his torso and
curled up in his lap.
"I have been... defeated." He started petting the cat
in his lap as he
pointed his finger at the victor. "But I'll get you
next time Gadget!
Next time!!!"

"Mrawoar!"

Unheeding of the ill will directed towards him,
Super_Gadget
turned and walked for the door. But, just before he
walked out, sdryu
could feel the air fracture around him and, although
he could see his
foe standing in the doorway, he heard Super_Gadget as
though he were
whispering in his ear. "Or maybe this is just another
of many
possibilities..."





The End???






Are you inspired? [Y/N]
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Sir Desaix, member # 116 of the Knights of the True Fiancee
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