"David Choi" <choi09@sympatico.ca> wrote:

Akane...
by David Choi

A couple of comments on this one....

First of all, it's always hard to reconcile this kind of story with the
Ryoga that we know. Akane is the only one for him? That didn't stop him
from being involved with Akari, nor from being seduced (too strong a
word, but a better one doesn't come to mind) by Ranma-in-disguise time
after time.

The lesson here: putting your own emotions and experiences into fanfics
is a good thing, BUT: put them where they fit. This story, IMO, would've
worked better if it had been about either Gosunkugi or Mousse. Both of
these gents have pursued their respective love interests steadily since
their first appearances (both back in vol. 5). Akane barely seems to
know that the former exists, Shampoo has consistently rejected the
latter, and neither of them has ever shown any interest in another
woman.

On another matter, I think it would help your writing if you used more
specific descriptions and imagery to carry the emotion. To take an
example from your fic:

She looks at me with a smile. A smile that reaches into the deepest
levels of my heart and pulls me like a puppet. Yet, she doesn't realize
that what she is doing to me.

This, IMO, is the RIGHT way to do it. After reading this, I know exactly
how that smile makes this person feel. But most of the rest of what
you've written is much more vague and matter-of-fact. "I love her" might
mean a hundred different things to a hundred different people. We need
to know exactly what it means to the character in your story, in terms
specific enough that we can empathize with him, can feel the emotions
that he feels.


Gary Kleppe
http://www.akane.org/gary/comics.html
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