HAIRBALLS
By Leif Johnson

Previous Chapters at www.geocities.com/leif_wj

CHAPTER 3:
If You're Happy and You Know It Stamp Your Face

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters from Spaceballs, or the
characters from Ranma 1/2. THESE characters, are actually from NEITHER! HA!
Which would make me a liar. You can no longer trust anything I say. Too bad.

WARNING!: This chapter contains some content that might be inappropriate for
people under the age of, say, 11. If you are older and still ACT as mature as
you did when you were 11, you shouldn't read this either. You know who you are,
you-who-giggle-at-farts.

What has occurred: You have read  41 words and 2 numbers. Now 47 words and 4
numbers. Now 51 words and 6 numbers. Now...

What has occurred in the story: We have been reminded that Thunder Helmet is a
moron, we have been reminded that Lone Stallion is arrogant, we have heard Herba
utter what could be interpreted as a dirty phrase by a dirty mind, and we have
learned that President Scourge makes a mean stroganoff. Keep reading for more
helpful reminders!

                                   ***

     Three intrepid heroes stumbled wearily across the sands of Rootevega. The
fourth hero was draped over one furry hero's back, unconscious and muttering to
himself.
     "Rain, rain, go away, come again another day..." Lone Stallion mumbled.
Belch's left eyebrow twitched. "I can see clearly now the rain is gone..."
Stallion continued. Belch's right eyebrow twitched. "Rainman, Rainman, hold it a
little while, I think I see my friends coming..."
     Belch slammed Stallion into the ground. [THAT'S *HANGMAN,* YOU MORON!!]
     Lone Stallion's eyes fluttered open and he gazed up at the hazy black and
white figure above him. When his eyes focused, he scowled. "Didja have to wake
me up? I was having this GREAT dream, 'bout all these buckets filled with wa-"
     "WILL YOU SHUT *UP*!?!?" Vexed and Herba shouted, Belch's signs saying the
same thing.
     "Wax! Geez, so I like candles! What's wrong with that?" Stallion grumbled,
getting to his feet.

                                   ***

     Lone Stallion stood at the peak of a great sand dune, his chest heaving.
Littered around him were the bodies of his comrades. He lifted his head to the
sky. "IF SOMEONE UP THERE LOVES ME, GIVE ME A SIGN!" he shouted. Suddenly, a
nearby bush burst forth into flame. He stared at it, then blew a kiss to the
sky. "THAT'LL DO!" he cried.
     Suddenly, a small lizard with a pigtail streaked out of the flames and
began running around in circles. It fell over, wriggled a few times, then lay
there, smoldering. Lone Stallion stared with wide eyes at the small, flaming
pigtail (which shouldn't have been on a lizard in the first place, so it was
obviously a sign from the gods), then back at the sky.
     "ERRR... NICE DAY TO YOU, TOO!" he shouted. A bolt of lightning struck him
before he had a chance to give the gods the International Finger of
Righteousness.

                                   ***

     Not too far away, a small group of short, hooded figures marched along,
singing. "Paaaanties, bee-yoo-ti-ful paaaanties... the simple joys of liiiife!"
     The one in the lead suddenly stopped and held an arm out. "There are people
there! In need of our help!" it cried.
     "So freakin' what?" another one asked.
     "There's two hot babes with 'em!" the first one replied.
     "WOOHOO!" the all shouted, charging forward. They quickly set about
reviving the four travelers and giving them water. They also gave Vexed and
Herba affectionate pats on the breast to let them know all was well.
     "What the..." Lone Stallion muttered, lifting his head. "Hey, can *I* get
some water here?"
     The midgets all turned to him and gave him looks of contempt. He sweated
nervously. "Uh... please?" They looked back and forth between each other and
shook their heads.
     "Just give him some!" Vexed growled, sitting up. They all shrugged and one
chucked a water bottle at him. Stallion gave Vexed a small nod of thanks.
     "What these?" Herba inquired, looking at their saviors. They all looked at
each other, then pulled off their hoods. The foursome saw that they were being
rescued by a bunch of children! With big, innocent eyes, rosy cheeks, and wide
smiles! Lone Stallion didn't like them.
     "Luck luck, lucky, lucky luck, luck!" one of them said, and they all bowed.
The one who had spoken patted Vexed's breast and gestured for them to follow.
Stallion narrowed his eyes.

                                   ***

     "What this place?" Herba asked, glancing around the small tunnel. The
"Luckies," as they had been dubbed by the princess, closed the door behind them
and gestured down the hallway. The foursome shrugged and headed down it.
     The Luckies stared after them. "MAN!" one finally said. "Those were some
SQEEZABLE breasts!"
     "Yeah," agreed another, "but I think the purple haired babe's weren't
real."
     "SO WHAT, MORON?!" the others shouted, smacking him over the head. "You'll
NEVER become a master breast-printer if you can't accept that some women aren't
satisfied with the goods they got!"
     The outcast sniffled. "I'm sorry, I just can't help being a purist!"

                                   ***

     The intrepid foursome walked slowly down the hallway they were now in,
glancing at their surroundings. Several odd-looking pillars lined the sides, and
a massive statue stood at the end. It was definitely the ugliest, creepiest
thing they'd ever seen. Suddenly, a voice boomed out the statue.
     "Who DARES enter the realm of YO'DADDY?!"
     The four jolted to a stop. Luckily, they were wearing rubber underwear, so
the jolts went unnoticed. They all blinked in confusion.
     "Herba have no daddy," Herba announced.
     "My dad's back home," Vexed added.
     "My pop's with me," Lone Stallion said, crinkling his brow. Vexed and Herba
turned slowly to look at the panda, who sweated nervously.
     "Definitely got his looks from his mom," Vexed announced. Herba nodded.
Belch smacked his paw against his forehead.
     A small door at the base of the statue and a shriveled-up monkey on a stick
pogoed out. A tentacle quickly whipped out and snatched it, and the sounds of a
scuffle ensued, accompanied by cursing and wet sounds. A very short, gold beast
that appeared to be a strange mix of a bull, an eel, a crane, an octopus, and a
yeti, (not that anyone had actually SEEN a yeti before) strolled out and wiped
ink off his hands.
     "NO, you morons, that's my NAME!" he shouted angrily. "Man, EVERYBODY does
that..." he grumbled, shaking his head. "I'm, you know, the famous Yo'daddy?
Yo'daddy the wise? Yo'daddy the powerful? Yo'daddy the magnificent?"
     "Christ, he's an arrogant S.O.B., ain't he?" Lone Stallion whispered to
Belch.
     Belch nodded and held up a sign reading, [Where did he learn his manners,
anyway?]
     Vexed sniffed disdainfully. "What a snob!" she cried.
     "Very non-cultured," Herba added.
     Yo'daddy shook in silent rage. But, it was not to last, and he burst into a
screaming rage. "THAT'S WHAT OTHER PEOPLE CALL ME, MORONS!" he shouted, jumping
up and down. "I'm the fabled keeper of a greater power!"
     [The Shwartz?!] Belch asked, stepping forward.
     "No, the..." Yo'daddy trailed off. "The SHWARTZ?! Where the HELL did you
get THAT?! What kinda freaking name is 'Shwartz,' anyway? Sheesh," he muttered,
shaking his head. "No, the (drum roll please) *~WORTZ~*!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(Dun dun dun DUUUN!)"
     "The *what?*" Vexed asked in disbelief.
     "No, the *~Wortz~*. Jeez, I can't see how everyone mixes those two up,"
Yo'daddy muttered. He lifted his right hand, revealing a glittering ring with a
small tuft of hair in the shape of a W.
     "Ummm, impressive," Vexed said, glancing around. "So, what do you do down
here?"
     "Merchandising!" Yo'daddy answered, brightening.
     "Merchandising?" Herba repeated, raising an eyebrow.
     "Yup! Merchandising, merchandising, merchandising!" Yo'daddy repeatedly
repeated, walking over to a wall that rose as he approached it. The Luckies
dashed over to help display the items. "All the Hairballs merchandise you'll
ever want and never need! Hairballs the comb, Hairballs the brush, Hairballs the
kitty litter, Hairballs the dog zapper," he announced, holding up each item as
he called of its name.
     "Hairballs the Mercedes, Hairballs the authentic Jimi Hendrix guitar,
Hairballs the authentic Elton John's old dental floss, Hairballs the IRA rocket
launcher, Hairballs the Big Bertha, Hairballs the family pocket pool game,"
Yo'daddy continued, walking around his small shop proudly. The foursome stared
in disbelief.
     "Jeez," Stallion muttered. "He's got everything but the-"
     "Hairballs the kitchen sink!" Yo'daddy announced proudly.
     "Nevermind," Stallion said quickly, rolling his eyes.

                                   ***

     President Scourge lay in his bed with two women. Yes, you read that
correctly.
     He glanced lecherously over at the woman on his left and leered. "Ah,
honey..." he said lewdly. "You look so..." He frowned. "So..." He reached out
and poked her. "... Deflated. Damn! Another faulty seal!"
     "President Scourge!" called Lieutenant Kuonji as she appeared on the wall.
He jumped in surprise.
     "Huh? Um, can't you see I'm enjoying some time alone with these two fine,
young things?" he said, nervously glancing at the leaky, fine, young thing on
his right.
     "Oh, of course you are, sir," she answered, rolling her eyes. "Anyhoo, we
have an urgent message from Lord Helmet."
     "So?" Scourge replied. "What's it say?"
     "Well, we couldn't really read his handwriting, but we think it says: 'A
vultures with mayonnaise or not anymore smoking stroganoff idealistic rabbits
plus wings of orange peaks.'"
     "Why, it must be in code!" the president cried, grabbing his
super-secret-code-book-cleverly-hidden-under-his-pillow. Flipping through the
pages, he scribbled on a piece of paper. "Well, he must be trying to say: 'Skaep
egnaro fo sgniw sulp stibbar citsilaedi ffonagorts gnikoms eromyna ton ro
esiannoyam htiw serutluv a.'"
     "Very clever code, sir, but that doesn't seem to be it," the lieutenant
said, shaking her head. "I'll send the message to you." Immediately, a piece of
paper popped out of a square, metal object with two slots on its top and a lever
on its side.
     The president grabbed the paper, while muttering, "I always wondered where
my toast went..." After studying the paper for a short time, he said, "Hey! This
isn't so hard! It's just like my handwriting!" Kuonji coughed. Ignoring her,
Scourge said, "It says he's lost the princess! WHAT? WHERE?! Oh, in the sands of
Rootevega. Well, tell him to search the desert! And leave no stone unturned!"
     "Yes, sir!"

                                   ***

 "Please inform my esteemed self that thou art joking," Thunder Helmet said to
Colonel Headwear.
     "No, it says here that grains of sand ARE considered rocks. And rocks are
stones." Headwear closed his copy of the Illustrated Guide to Really *Really*
Bad Loopholes, and shook his head. "So, we'd better get started."
     They both turned to look at the miles of sand grains surrounding them. The
hundreds of miles. The hundreds of thousands of miles. "Is it against the rules
to assassinate one's president?" Helmet asked, rubbing his temples.
     "No worries, that's what we have soldiers for!" Headwear replied, gesturing
to an unhappy-looking group of men.
     "For assassination?" Helmet asked.
     "NO! For stone-turning!" Headwear shouted. "So, get started turning those
stones!" he called to the men. "Yep, we sure are lucky to have such faithful
subjects."
     "You know, it occurred to me..." one of the soldiers said, rubbing his
chin.
     "Yeah," another said. "There's more of us than of them..."
     "I have the *~Wortz~*! Back off! I'll clean your trees and trim your clocks
if you lay one finger on me!" Helmet shouted, whipping it out and waving it at
the men. The ring, that is.

                                   ***

     "It's a big mystery," Lone Stallion said, standing before Yo'daddy. "None
of the wise men can figure out what it means."
     "Wise men? Ha! They are mere FOOLS when compared to YO'DADDY!" Yo'daddy
shouted, thumping his chest.
     "Actually, he's not that smart either," Stallion said, creasing his brow.
     "God, I get that waaay too much," Yo'daddy grumbled, examining what Lone
Stallion had showed him. "Well, it says: '100% genuine leather, made in
Indonesia by 9 year-old girl. Machine-wash only."
     "..." Stallion looked down to see Yo'daddy inspecting the tag on his
jacket. "No, stupid, THIS!" he thrust a laminated card in his face. It followed
a cord that led up his sleeve, down his shirt, into his pants, through his sock,
and out of his right shoe. That end had another tag, which read: "Other end of
cord. Now don't you feel stupid?"
     Yo'daddy inspected the card, then began uttering guttural noises from his
throat. Just as Lone Stallion was about to speak, Yo'daddy suddenly turned to
the side and spit out a massive mouthful of phlegm. Lone Stallion held down his
words and his lunch.
     "Ah... Yes..." Yo'daddy murmured. He paused, then glanced up at Stallion.
"It's all clear now... I understand..." His eyebrow twitched. "The truth reveals
itself... Eureka..." He began tapping his foot. "I can see clearly now... Here
comes the sun..." He stopped and smacked Stallion over the head.
     "Ow! What?" Stallion groused, rubbing his noggin.
     "YOU MISSED YOUR CUE, STUPID!" Yo'daddy shouted impatiently. He shook his
head and continued. "Anyways, I'm not going to tell you what it says now. The
truth shall be revealed to you at the right time. Now, back to your *~Wortz~*
training."
     "Right, but I don't see how I'm going to lift that ugly statue..." Stallion
said. Yo'daddy's eyebrow twitched. "...with this little ring."
     "You have to focus! You have to concentrate! Become one with the
*~Wortz~*!"
     Stallion shivered. He then turned to the statue of Yo'Daddy and pointed the
ring at it. As he concentrated, Yo'daddy made odd sounds from the back of his
throat. He took that as a sign of encouragement.
     *Dang,* thought Yo'daddy. *Sure has been a nasty cold going around.*
     Suddenly, the statue shifted. It slowly lifted several feet into the air,
much to Lone Stallion's amazement.
     "Ha ha! You're doing it! You're doing it!" Yo'daddy shouted
enthusiastically.
     "It works! Wow! Good gosh diddly! It works!" Lone Stallion breathed.
     Suddenly, Belch crawled under the statue with a sign reading, [Hey! A
hundred-spaceyen!]
     "Hmm..." Yo'daddy hmmed, scratching his chin. "How convenient. Here's your
next lesson," he said, while Belch's sings kept exclaiming, [And another! And
another!] Yo'daddy turned to Stallion, who was obviously straining to keep the
statue up, and said, "While you give in and let the statue fall? Or will you
choose the virtuous path?"
     Lone Stallion was trying to figure out the difference between the two
choices when Belch crawled out with his paws full of money.
     Just as Stallion was about to let it down, Vexed crawled under, exclaiming,
"Wow! It's the brand new Hair Shiner brush!" Stallion's eyes bugged out several
inches.
     "Holdin' up good, boy," Yo'daddy remarked, stepping away from the puddle of
sweat Stallion was creating. Vexed finally crawled out, much to Lone Stallion's
relief.
     Just then, Herba darted under, exclaiming, "Aiya! Is new high-quality
odorless high-octane droid fuel!" Stallion gasped repeatedly, as muscles he
didn't even know he had strained themselves to new levels. Finally, Herba
crawled out, leaving no one under the statue.
     "Alrighty, boy, you can let it down!" Yo'daddy exclaimed. Suddenly, he
rushed forward and reached under it, mumbling, "Say, what's my IRA membership
card doing under there?"
     Lone Stallion's energy gauge hit empty.

                                   ***

     "Say, did you hear that?" Vexed said, tilting her head.
     "Someone screaming?" Herba replied, looking quizzical.
     "Really loudly?" Vexed added.
     "With much bad words?" Herba also added.
     "And several voodoo chants?" Vexed also also added.
     "And some Confucian proverbs?" Herba also also also added.
     "And a detailed argument on why Einstein's theory of relativity is
irrelevant?" Vexed also also al.... er, continued.
     "In Swahili?" Herba also continued.
     They both paused. "So," Herba finally said, "What the question again?"

                                   ***

     Colonel Headwear and Thunder Helmet both slumped against a sand dune in the
darkness. "Indeed, this day hast had an exceedingly great lack of fruit," Helmet
stated tiredly.
     Headwear nodded. "Fruitless, you mean."
     "Yes, and it has created unbelievable measures of discomfort in the rear
area," Helmet continued.
     "Pain in the ass, you mean," Headwear replied.
     "Indeed." Suddenly, Helmet jumped up and began waving the ring about
wildly. "I sense it! I sense it!" he cried.
     "What?!" Headwear cried. "The princess's location?!"
     "NO!" Helmet shouted. "They're having a 99 cent sale at Wendy's!"
     "GOOD HEAVENS!" Headwear shouted. "PANIC! EVERYBODY PANIC!"
     "Oh, and I sense the presence of the *~Wortz~*, too," he added.
     Headwear glanced at the men running around in circles, strangling their
comrades, strangling themselves, setting fire to the chicken coop, painting cats
neon colors, and tipping cows. "EVERYBODY STOP PANICKING!" he shouted, then
turned back to Helmet. "Where?"
     "It's coming from... over there!" he cried, pointing his ring at a sand
dune.
     Helmet rushed over and began brushing sand away. "You're right, sir!" he
cried. "It's a secret entrance! And look at this insignia! It's a 'Y!'"
     "YO'DADDY! I HATE Yo'daddy!" Helmet cried, stamping his feet.
     "Who's yo'daddy?" Helmet said loudly.
     "You sure ain't my daddy, beotch!" Helmet said, jabbing a finger at
Headwear's chest.
     "Watch whatchoo say, supa-beotch, or I gonna mess you up!" Headwear
retorted, glaring at him.
     After a short staring match, (which Helmet won, but he cheated because he
kept his visor down and blinked rapidly) Headwear said, "Well, we should go in
there and get the princess!"
     "NO! It is-eth much too dangerous! Yo'daddy has-eth the *~Wortz~*!"
     "No he most certainly does not!" Headwear shouted, flipping Helmet's visor
up. "My daddy would NEVER get something that disgusting!"
     Helmet blinked. "As I was say-ething," he said, then paused. He suddenly
slapped down his visor again. "We will not go-eth after her, SHE will come-eth
out to us!"

                                   ***

     Princess Vexed laid un-peacefully on her rather un-royal bed, made out of
the finest burlap sacks Yo'daddy had. She scowled angrily, desperately wishing
for something to break, destroy, maim, kill, annihilate, etc...
     "Vixen..." a voice whispered from far away.
     "Eh?" she cried, sitting up.
     "No, stupid, that's not it! 'Vexed!'"
     "Thou art indeed."
     "No, that's her name!"
     "What is?"
     "VEXED!"
     "Believe-eth me, I know. Take-eth a chill pill, or some other means of
artificial normality."
     "GAAAH!! Her name is 'VEXED!'"
     "'Tis impossible for a name to feel-eth emotion, simpleton!"
     "Grrr... Let me do it! Ahem, Veeeexed..."
     Vexed narrowed her eyes suspiciously. Something was wrong here. Something
was definitely not right...
     Suddenly, a minor earthquake occurred and a book fell off of a shelf and
landed on her head and she had a minor case of amnesia and forgot everything
that had happened up to the point before the argument and didn't become
suspicious at all and the FaceFaults plan was going to work perfectly and the
author needs to lay off the caffeine. (GASP)
     "Vexed..." Headwear called gently. "Come here, my sweet Vexed..."
     "Daddy?" she called, walking towards the door. She accidentally stepped on
Herba's head on the way out, gently waking her up.
     Herba jumped up and waved her arms around, ready to rip something into
pieces. After she calmed down, she glanced down at a large pile of torn paper,
hoping that Yo'daddy hadn't have any really important books on that shelf marked
"Really Important Stuff." She rushed after the princess as a bad feeling welled
up inside her.
     Vexed stepped outside of Yo'daddy's lair, and saw her father standing
there! She almost noticed that he wore a massive samurai helmet atop his head
before the author pushed the switch on her character that was labeled
"clueless."
     "Daddy!" she cried, "is that really you?"
     "Of course, my dear Vix-something," Helmet answered, a gentle leer on his
face. "Would I lie to you?" He chuckled evilly, crossing his fingers.
Unfortunately, they were on the hand he was holding out to her.
     The author pushed the clueless factor into overdrive, and the engine began
to smoke.
     "Oh, daddy!" she cried again, stepping forward.
     Just then, Herba stepped outside, and her eyes widened. "Oh no!" she
gasped, and rushed towards the princess. "Princess, wai-" she was interrupted by
a hand slapping over her mouth, and two over her chest.
     "Careful!" a FaceFault soldier shouted. "She might have weapons in these!"
     Before she was shut off, Herba at least got the satisfaction of turning the
foolish soldier's juice-jugs into pancakes.

                                   ***

     The author winced deeply and experienced a full-body shiver.

                                   ***

     Vexed, for an aforementioned reason, didn't notice any of this and arrived
at Helmet just in time for him to drop his disguise.
     "MWAHAHAHAHA! I hath FOOLED th-" Helmet cried before Vexed slammed her foot
directly into his sternum. He fell to the ground with a dull thud. "Wuh...
wuh... wuh... wuzzz... wasn't in the damned script..." he gasped, lifting his
ring up. A bright glow shot out of it and surrounded Vexed for a short while
before disappearing.
     Vexed blinked in confusion. Suddenly, and odd look came over her face, and
she reached down and touched her crotch. Her eyes widened, and she shrieked so
loud that the moon skipped a beat. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIYYYYYYEEEEE!!! YOU
DIRTY PERVERT!!!"
     In the end, due to the necessity for the plot to continue, Vexed was
subdued. So was Headwear, Helmet, and approximately 863 soldiers. It was
predicted that none of the men would be making babies anytime soon.

                                   ***

     Perhaps the most amazing thing of all was that Lone Stallion actually woke
up during the commotion. Of course, he had forgotten to eat dinner the previous
night and was forced awake by his growling stomach, but at least he woke up.
Halfway back from the fridge, he realized that those sounds that were echoing
throughout the lair were NOT coming from a war movie someone had left on all
night, and some of those screams were definitely coming from a girl!
     He dropped the food he was carrying and rushed towards the exit. He soon
returned, grabbed the food again, and rushed back towards the exit. He burst
outside, ready to do battle. The sight that greeted him cause him to hesitate a
wee bit. A procession of stretchers was just finishing being loaded onto the
FaceFault Ow, while Thunder Helmet lay on the ground, twitching and screaming at
a rather high pitch.
     Lone Stallion leaned against the doorframe, chewing on a sandwich with
raised eyebrows. "Anyone need any help?" he offered, looking around for a damsel
in distress, or something of the sort. He was ignored, and two men picked up
Thunder Helmet and carried him towards the hatch into the ship.
     Just before he entered, Helmet called back to Stallion, "Ha! WHEEEEEZZZE...
We have the owowowowowowowowie P... p... p.. p-PRINCESS!" He then proceeded to
collapse in a near-boneless heap.
     Lone Stallion's eyes widened, and he rushed at the departing ship,
shouting, "Hey, whoa! You got the princess? Stop! Get back! Augh! Damn." He
sighed dejectedly and trudged back into the lair. "Yo! Pops! We gotta rescue the
princess!"
     A wooden sign flew out of the darkness and slammed into his forehead. He
looked down at it, reading, [In the morning, brat!]
     "Dammit, Pop, there's a damsel in distress, and it's our DUTY as MARTIAL
ARTISTS and HEROES and STUDS (one of us, anyway) to rescue her!" Stallion cried,
smacking Belch upside the head with a pillow.

                                   ***

     A few moments later, the whole un-kidnapped crew stood outside Yo'daddy's
lair, in front of the Winnebago.
     "Well," Stallion said, placing his hands on his hips, "Guess it's time for
us to say farewell."
     "And adios," Yo'daddy added.
     [Not to mention sayonara,] Belch threw in.
     "Bon Voyage..." Stallion muttered.
     "Aloha..." Yo'daddy murmured.
     [Later, dude...] Belch wrote.
     "The author would like to remind the audience that he'd like to think he is
multilingual," Stallion announced.
     He almost got that right. Ingrate.
     "Well, it's been nice knowing you," Yo'daddy said, holding his hand out to
Lone Stallion. Lone Stallion gripped it firmly.
     "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!! JEEZUS!" Yo'daddy hopped
around in a small circle, throwing around an interesting assortment of
expletives that are usually not found residing in the mouths of good and true
enigmas.
     Lone Stallion watched him with upraised eyebrows. "Yep," he said casually,
"that statue sure was heavy, wasn't it?"
     "Shut up, kid," Yo'daddy growled, sticking his other hand out. "As I was
saying, it's been painful knowing you."
     Lone Stallion shook his hand firmly. "It's been a real pain knowing you as
well, Daddy-o."
     "I'll pretend I didn't hear that, as this scene requires us to be jovial
and friendly," Yo daddy said through clenched teeth. He pulled his hand away.
     Lone Stallion blinked, then looked down at the object in his hand. "WOW!"
he exclaimed. "That's..." He frowned. "That's really gross..."
     "OH!" Yo'daddy exclaimed. "My bad. Here, I meant to give you this. Hm, I
wondered what happened to that Q-tip I hadn't finished using..." He handed
Stallion a ring, which he took hesitantly.
     "GASP!" Stallion gasped in surprise. "The ring! I couldn't take that!" he
insisted.
     "Aw, go on, it's a gift," Yo'daddy said with a wave of his hand.
     "No, really. There's something weird about the hair on it1," Stallion said,
looking apprehensively at the small object.
     "Don't worry about the hair," Yo'daddy said with a nod. "Anyway, I think
you'll need it more than I will."
     "What are you trying to say?" Lone Stallion asked defensively, running a
hand through his hair.
     "The ring, stupid, the ring," Yo'daddy replied tiredly. "Oh, and in case
you get hungry, here's this!" he handed Lone Stallion a largish, brown plastic
package. Lone Stallion immediately recognized it as an MRSAWYBSE (meal ready to
stare at and wish you'd brought something else), complete with two-year old food
that STILL wasn't rotten and an impossible to open seal.
     "Gee," he murmured, holding it an arm's length, "I don't know what to say.
Certainly not thanks."
     "Don't open it until the time is right!" Yo'daddy said cryptically. Which
was odd, because he certainly didn't look dead to Lone Stallion.
     "Well then," Stallion said, turning around in the doorway to the Winnebago.
"As Arnoldio said in that famous Shakespearean play, 'Hasta la vista, bay-bee.'"

                                   ***

     "'Mwahaha! At last, Princes Vesped, I have you in my dirty hands!'" Thunder
Helmet's visor slid up, and he blinked. "No, scratch that. 'Clutches.' Yeah,
that's the ticket." He slid the visor back down. "'Now you are mine, to molest
and fondle...' No, no good... '...to have my way with you, the way I WANT to!
All the way! YEAH! YEAH!'" Helmet stopped tapping on the typewriter and stared
ahead vacantly. He then shook his helmeted head and continued writing.
     "'The hand... some... and very... masc... yoo... lin... stud stood...' heh,
stud stood, 'over the trem... bling prince... ess. She was ob... vee... ows... l
ee trembling with pash... eeyon.'" He quivered. "'She said to the tall, stri...
king man, "Please, have your... way... with me! The way you... want... to!"
What... could.. the gal... ant... man do but... say... "Yeah?" And they...'"
Helmet fidgeted nervously. "'And they...'" He glanced around, shifting in his
seat and tugging on his collar. "AND THEY MADE PAAAAAASSIONATE LLLLOOOOVVVEEE!!"
he bellowed, standing up with one hand down his pants.
     The door to his room slammed open. "LORD HELMET!" Colonel Headwear shouted.
     "EEEEEEEYYYYYYYYYAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!" Helmet replied, yanking his hand out.
"WHAT? WHAT?!?"
     "You're needed in the commie room!" Headwear announced.
     "The what?" Helmet asked, turning around.
     "The communications room."
     "Ah. Um, you didn't see anything, did you?" Helmet nervously asked.
     "No sir, I didn't see you enjoying another one of your cheesy lemons way,
way too much!" Headwear shouted.
     "Good!" Helmet shouted back, his voice cracking. "Salute!"
     They both whipped out magic markers and scribbled the word "floor" onto
their palms, looked up at each other, and slapped themselves squarely in the
face. It was a good day for the god of patriotism. Helmet spun on his heel and
strutted away, yanking a tissue out of his pocket and wiping his nose.

                                   ***

     President Scourge stood in front of a urinal, going about important
business. He whistled a little tune for a little while. It was only appropriate,
after all.
     "President Scourge!" Lieutenant Kuonji barked, snapping to life on the wall
in front of the president, who stepped back in surprise. "I have impOH MY GOD!"
she shrieked, turning around with her hands slapped over her face. The president
blinked.
     "MY EYES! MY EYES! OH GOD, THE PAIN!" she cried, collapsing to the floor.
The president narrowed his eyes while a light scuffling sound ensued, and Kuonji
popped up again, wearing a blindfold. "Sorry sir, something in my contacts.
Anyhoo, we have a little news for you. In a little while, a little
conversation's going to be held between Lord Helmet and the king of that little
planet, 'Do-idia, in that little communications room. I think I'm feeling a
little better now," she said, taking off the blindfold. "So, we'll see you there
in a little while! Don't hurry, you can wait a little longer, if you want to."
She nodded, noticed that the prez had not yet finished his business, and
screamed bloody murder. "WHY DO YOU HATE ME SO?! WHY DO YOU HATE MEEEE?!"
     "Nice to see you too, Ucchan," Scourge murmured, zipping his pants up and
shaking his head. A little.

                                   ***

     "MWAHAHAHAHAHAH!" Helmet laughed victoriously. "MWAHAHAHAH! HAHAHA!
HAHAHAHAHA! AHAHAHAHAHA! HOHOHOHOHO! HAR HAR HAR! NYUCK NYUCK NYUCK!
BWAHAHAHAHHAHA! HA! HEH HEH HEH HEH! HEE HEE HEE HEE! Um, HAH HAH HAH! Er,
MUAHAHA! Uh.. HOO HOO-"
     "We get the point," Headwear said, his fingers and eyebrows twitching.
"Many times over."
     They stood in a large, spacious room with a really low ceiling, observing
their captive. Princess Vexed was strapped to a metal slab, and she was
unconscious. And she was beautiful. And she was... tilted.
     "Couldn't you guys, you know, straighten it, or something?" Helmet asked,
scratching his namesake. Which was indeed a very odd action, when one thinks
about it.
     "If you tilt your head and squint, it almost doesn't seem any different,"
Headwear observed, squinting at a coat rack.
     Helmet slid his visor down. "Who be-eth the moronic fool who designed this
room? Why, 'tis only suitable for MIDG-"
     "Ahem!" issued a voice from the doorway. Helmet turned to see President
Scourge with a blueprint in his hand, tapping his foot.
     ".... Of course," Headwear murmured.
     The prez announced that he was just checking up on the crew and showed that
he wasn't mad by only lobbing one Scouring Fire Burst into the room. As the
smoke dissipated, King Tendo's visage appeared on the communication wall. Helmet
and Headwear froze. They were, after all, the superior bad guys, and needed to
present a superior image.
     "Uh..." Helmet said, staring blankly. He then snapped his fingers. "Yeah!
We got yo' daughtah! We got hah! We so hot, we on FI-YAH! Yeah!" He then
proceeded to do the moonwalk while occasionally yipping out a "Yeah!" or a
"Woo!"
     After a rather longish brief pause, Headwear jabbed his thumb at Helmet.
"What he said."
     The King erupted into tears. "P-p-p-pleeeeese don't hurt h-h-heeeerrrr!!!"
he wailed, his robe clenched between his teeth. Headwear's eyebrow went up and
his hang dropped limply.
     Helmet stopped dancing and walked casually over to Headwear's side.
"Anyway, we demand that YOU," he said, lifting one eyebrow and pointing at the
King, "join the F.F. Army!"
     "What's that stand for?" the king asked, scratching his head.
     Helmet ignored Colonel Headwear, who has shaking his head and waving his
arms, and said, "Well, it should be-eth obvious to ANY poor fool that those two
significant letters stand for the proud, powerful race of FACEFAULTS!" WHACK!
     "Ah!" King Tendo said, smacking his fist into his palm. "I get it! F.F.,
Facefaults!" WHACK!
     "This is ridiculous," Headwear said, shaking his head. "How can they not
know by now that when you say the word 'Facefault,' you-" WHACK!
     Helmet staggered to his feet with a swollen lip. "I thay, itth ridiculouth
that we thould fall on our fathe-eth every time we thay the word 'Fathefault!'"
WHACK!
     He immediately jumped back up. "It did it again! All I did wath thay
'Fathefault,' and-" WHACK!

                                   ***

     The author cackled maniacally. "It's not character bashing if they do it to
themselves," he reasoned.

                                   ***

     "Now that THAT'S cleared up," Headwear grumbled, rubbing his nose, "we can
get back to business. Lord Helmet! You were saying," he said, gesturing to the
groggy-looking man.
     "Ah... right." Helmet shook his head and slid down his visor. "Ah! Much
better!" he cried. "Now, your cry-ness, heh heh, we hath captured your daughter,
Vixed!"
     "VEXED! VEXED! FOR GOD SAKES, IT'S *VEXED*!!!" Headwear screamed, bits of
spittle flying from his mouth.
     "I see-eth that," Helmet replied. "Anyway, we have-eth a demand to
make-eth! You will give-eth us the combination to the planetary shield, or we
shall give-eth your daughter a NEW HAIRSTYLE!" (dun dun dun!)
     "But... but..." stuttered King Tendo, "I don't understand! She was already
given one to make up for the cruel and unusual deed that was delivered to her!
See: haircut."
     "Correct!" boomed Thunder Helmet. "You do not understand! If you do not
comply-eth, we will give-eth her back... HER OLD HAIRSTYLE!" He grabbed a large
poster and lifted it up for all to see. On its face was Princess Vexed's face.
Located a bit above her face was a hairstyle. An ATROCIOUS hairstyle.
     "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!" the king wailed, causing a flock of
crows to rise from a nearby corn field. "NOT THE *BOWL CUT*!!!"
     "Ummm..." Vexed said, raising her eyebrows. "Daddy? I think that's my
line."
     "What? Oh, terribly sorry. Go ahead," King Tendo said apologetically.
     "Fine. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!" the princess wailed, causing a
flock of FaceFaults to rise from a nearby asylum. "NOT THE *BOWL CUT*!!!"
     The entire room was silent. Headwear was curled up on the floor, twitching,
and with his hands clamped over his ears. Thunder Helmet wore two massive ear
muffs over his headgear. The rest of the room, including the hair stylist, all
had their fingers jammed in their ears and wore pained expressions. After a
moment, Helmet removed the muffs. "... Yes, the bowl cut."
     "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!" The Royal duo screamed in unison,
causing Lone Stallion to lose control of the Winnebago due to an abnormally loud
burst of static on the radio.
     After Vexed and Tendo calmed down, Helmet took the muffs off again while
Headwear muttered something about "taking the other script."
     "Anyway," Helmet continued, "We will do-eth this if you do not give-eth us
the combination!"
     "Fine, fine, I'll tell the combination," the king said. Helmet leaned
forward and Headwear whipped out a notepad. "It's just a shot of light rum, some
cranberry juice, some cola, preferably not Pepsi, and a slice of lime for the
glass's rim."
     "Did you get all that?" Helmet asked Headwear, leaning towards him.
     "Yup. Wow, the combination of ingredients for the famous ''Do it yourself'
mixed drink!" Headwear said, grinning.
     "THE COMBINATION TO THE PLANETARY SHIELD, YOU BLOODY NINCOMPOOP!" Helmet
thundered, causing Headwear to duck and cover.
     King Tendo huffed. "No need to be pushy. You only needed to ask. Now, of
course I won't give it to you! You think me mad?"
     "Fine!" Helmet boomed. "Shpitz! Do your wurst!"
     The hair stylist grinned and held up a pair of scissors and a bowl with a
sausage in it. The princess fainted, cause she was 'sposed to.
     "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!" King Tendo wailed, knocking everyone
off their feet. "I'll tell, I'll teeeelllll!!!"
     Helmet sat on the floor with his muffs halfway to his head, the wail having
struck them before they reached their destination. After a brief pause, he said,
"Uh... good. Kernel, are you recording this?" The twitching form on the floor
groaned in response.
     "Okay," the King said resolutely. "The combination is..."
     Headwear stumbled to his feet and lifted his notepad.
     "One," the king said.
     "One!" Helmet repeated.
     "One!" Headwear repeated the repeat.
     "One!" the delivery boy called. Everyone turned to him. "One box for Mr.
Helmet, from the Ranma 1/2 H.M.C."
     "Ah..." Helmet stammered, looking very nervous. "I'll, uh, pick it up
later."
     "What's H.M.C. stand for?" Headwear asked, scratching his head.
     "That is none of your business, simpleton!" Helmet replied haughtily.
     "Uh," the delivery boy started, looking at the box. "Hentai Manga
Corporation. Whatsat mean?"
     "AHEM!" Helmet ahemed, elbowing the boy in the ribs. "I'll give-eth you a
one-thousand spaceyen tip if you redeliver tomorrow, to my private chambers," he
whispered.
     "Oh? OH!" the boy said, blinking. "I see, my mistake. I'm sorry Mr. Helmet,
mix-ups like this do happen. Good day!" With a wink, he turned and left.
     "Well! You were say-ething?" he said to the King smugly. He had just
narrowly escaped a potentially embarrassing incident...
     "Oh!" the boy said, suddenly back in the room. "I forgot to ask, where's
your private chambers?"
     "Do'h!" Helmet exclaimed, smacking his forhead.
     Headwear patted him on the back. "It's okay, you're only human."
     "I'm MORE than human!" Thunder Helmet shouted. "I AM A FAAAAA..." he stood
still with his arm raised in the air and his mouth frozen in mid-shout. "Uhh...
a Facefalt?"
     Everyone looked at each other, then held out their thumb, pointing to the
side. As one, they all turned their thumbs down and looked up.

                                   ***

Grinning, the author pointed his thumb in the direction of the floor.

                                   ***

     "I HATE-ETH THIS FI-OW!" Helmet cried, slamming into the floor.


End Chapter 3



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