"Linda Shen" <echonymph@msn.com> wrote:

I'm taking a mental breather from Fragments (I hate writing sad crap for an 
extended period of time) and I came across *this* on my hard drive.  After 
cleaning it up a bit, I decided, what the hell, might as well post it.  
Aside from Gary's story (which I'm biting my nails, waiting for 
more....*HINT HINT*) I haven't seen any other IY fanfictions on this 

Um... if you're referring to "Invisible Shadows," I'm afraid there isn't
any more. ^_^;;;; The two parts I posted are all there is. While there
is room for a sequel, that won't be anytime soon, if ever, and
considering that there wasn't much response from the FFML on this story,
won't be much of a priority if I do start working on it.

*ahem* But I digress....

SUMMARY: There's got to be a measure of maturity at some point in time.  
People grow up, half-demons change - lines are drawn and things understood 
and contained.  But what we can't control is what we don't anticipate, and 
magic cannot be predicted.  Kagome and Inuyasha are faced with some tough 
realizations, and just when it seems like things are calming down - the 
Shikon no Tama kicks into high gear.

Personally, I'd rather a story stand on its own than be introduced by a
summary, but that's just me.

There are times that I turn around to look behind me, at the way the sun set 
amidst the dust our feet rose up - and at moments like those, I just want to 

If you mean "sunset" as a noun, it's one word. As a noun-verb (i.e. the
sun set, casting brilliant orange blah blah blah...) it's two, but it
looks like "rose" is your verb in that clause.

So many miles traveled, all those half-tragedies survived, but for what?  
Pieces on pieces of shards that together make the wishes and hopes of one, 
careful person come true.  The Shikon no Tama, powerful and all possessing, 

"one careful person" doesn't need a comma. Also, all-possessing needs a
hyphen.

the downfall of many a great creature, and the uprising a of a hundred 

uprising of

I sniff the air again.

Oh, and she's in heat, too.

O.o

Fantastic.  Tonight is going to be hell for me.

It must have only started a few moments ago, or else I would have been 
walking funny earlier.  Thank God for these robes.  Don't start me on the 

Suggest: Thank the gods for... (I hardly think IY is a monotheist.)

horrors of the male perversity, you deal with a body part that can't be 

perversity; you	(comma splice)

Gruffly, I sneer at her and throw down her enormous Pack from Hell, 
carefully listening for the sounds of any unfriendly intruder, I smirk and 

Another comma splice. You need an "and" or a sentence break here.

She smiles now, "Thanks, Inuyasha."  She grabs Sango's hand, the strap to 

now. "Thanks,

(She's not smiling the line of dialog -- just smiling.)

her bookbag and starts bolting towards the dark part of the woods - 

Sango's hand is the strap to her bookbag? :) I think you missed a
conjunction there.

undoubtedly for their nightly bathroom rituals.  Ever since Kagome 
introduced Sango to the joys of future skin-care products, every evening has 
just been another trial in repressing laughter for me and the priest.  If 
its not cucumbers over their eyes, then its some strange, pale green cement 

it's	(both times)

Sometimes, things just get from bad to worse to 'Inuyasha as a ragin' 
youkai'.  There's a steep hill from where I started off this morning, to 
where I am right now.

You might want to be more explicit about the shift from Inu-Yasha's
first person to Kagome's; it caught me rather off-guard. (This is one
case where I'd even recommend explicit labeling, as it gets rather
difficult to tell who's speaking from context.)

There's an inherent lesson to be learned in this, just because women are in 
'heat' doesn't mean that we want some.  In case no female has ever gone off 

While it was cute and very appropriate for Inu-Yasha, I hardly think
Kagome would apply that particular phrase to herself -- unless IY has
talked to her about it before, which doesn't seem to be the case.

KAGOME: Actually, I read the first part of the fanfic.

Well, what I actually said was, "Hey!  Look behind those two guys, there's a 
noodle stand - maybe we could get some later!"

INU-YASHA: You said that you didn't *want* some.

KAGOME: Hey!

INU-YASHA: Well, you were reading *my* part of the fic....

Sango - her arms raised to shield her face, her yukata half hanging off of 
her shoulders, revealing broad expanses of cream-colored skin broken my her 

broken by her	(I think you meant to say)

"You know, I'm not mad at you about seeing me naked," I pause, "You ran over 

naked." I pause. "You

(She's not pausing the words "You know..." -- just pausing, so the pause
is a separate sentence. You need a "said" or similar verb if you want to
break dialog in the middle of a sentence.)

He nods, "I know that."

nods. "I

Well, he is mine.  Mine and my own forever and eternity, who else would have 

eternity; who

He sneers, "I'm *not* going to tell you, all right?  It's private, and it's 
something that human's wouldn't understand anyway.  Why are you so hung up 

humans

"ALL RIGHT!" he cries, slapping a hand over my mouth.  "I'll talk, okay?"  I 
nod happily.  It's blackmail, it's cruel; I know.  Thank heaven for Kaede 
and those prayer beads, there'd be no talking to him any other way.

beads; there'd

Not much to add here; a fun, enjoyable character piece.


Gary Kleppe
http://www.akane.org/gary/comics.html
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