In which the Karekano cast finally make their appearance. I'm going to try to
write this so I can easily edit it for the benefit of my sister (age 15), who
after all inspired this. Later.
Comments welcome, even if it's just to tell me I should die and go to hell
for writing this travesty.
Paul Corrigan
corrig11@pilot.msu.edu
--
LOLICON 2K2
--
A _Kareshi Kanojo no Jijo_/_South Park_ crossover by Paul Corrigan
--
For Amelia, for whom _Chimpokomon_ was clearly not unforgivable enough
--
_Karekano_ concept devised by Masami Tsuda
--
_South Park_ concept devised by Trey Parker and Matt Stone
--
Part Two: Leaving On a Jet Plane
--
[Pan across screen black and white file photo of the entrance to Narita
Airport.]
[SFX: Random airport terminal noise.]
[Pan across screen black and white file photo of the interior of the airport.]
[Pan across screen black and white file photo of a Hare Krishna having his
ass kicked by a security guard.]
[Still of black and white file photo of airplanes sitting on the runway.]
[Shot of a JAL airplane taking off from the runway. This might be an animated
sequence and/or actually in color, but this is by no means essential if the
budget does not permit it.]
[Still of the airplane flying at 30,000 feet.]
[Cut to Kazuma Ikeda, clad in his standard issue black T-shirt and skull
bracelet, staring out the window from his seat on the plane, a look of quiet,
contented contemplation on his face.]
Kazuma: [VO, reflective] So here I am.
[Shot of Kazuma looking out the window from outside the plane, staring down at
all the little people below, as it were.]
Kazuma: [VO] I've reached the pinnacle of the Japanese rock world, and from
here I can see...
[Shot of the view from the airplane. By now there is nothing to see but the
Pacific Ocean and the occasional island.]
Kazuma: [VO]...just how small that world really was.
[Cut back to the shot of Kazuma inside the plane.]
Kazuma: I'm off to my first gig in the land where dreams come true...[turns to
the seat opposite, and smiles endearingly]...and best of all, I get to share
those dreams with my best girl...
[Shot of Tsubasa in the aisle seat, suitably SD, stuffing herself with every
form of candy and snack food known to man.]
[Caption: LOVE IS BLIND]
[Shot of Ushio, Atsuya and Martin, Kazuma's bandmates, getting smashed on in-
flight service and whooping it up, much to the chagrin of the flight attendant.]
Ushio: [already inebriated] Hey, missh stewardessh, wanna hook up when we get
to Denver? I'm a rock shtar!
Flight Attendant: [recoiling] Eek!
Kazuma: [VO] ...and my best buddies, who've been with me since the very
beginning.
[Cut back to Kazuma, still gazing adoringly on his darling Tsubasa.]
Kazuma: [VO] I, if anyone can, can say, "I am happy."
Voice: [off; male, tenor] Hey, Kazuma, we need to talk.
[Kazuma looks up, shaken from his reverie.]
Kazuma: Huh?...Oh hey dude, what's going on?
[Shot of Yinyang's manager standing in the aisle. He is in his early thirties,
muddy brown hair about the length of Hideaki Asaba's, glasses, clearly
overworked.]
Manager: [clearly restraining frustration; he might run his hand through his
hair] Okay, Kazuma. How do I tell you this...? I admit, in retrospect, that
letting Tsubasa in the band wasn't such a crazy gamble after all.
[Tsubasa continues to munch in her seat.]
Kazuma: [off] Yeah?
Manager: [off] And I can handle your mom and her dad coming along. It's proof
that you have permission to come, you being minors and all. They've been
pretty cool about your career since the very beginning.
[Shot of Hiromi and Toshiharu Shibahime--i.e. Kazuma's mom and Tsubasa's
dad; in hair seats looking through the inflight magazine.]
Toshiharu: [cheerfully making a proposition] So, how does skiing at Vail
grab you, hon?
Hiromi: Screw that, I'm going to the mall!
[Toshiharu's smile freezes. He sweatdrops like mad.]
[Cut back to Kazuma looking up at the manager.]
Kazuma: So...what's the problem?
Manager: [losing his cool] What's the problem, you ask?
[He gestures towards the back of the plane.]
[Shot of a few rows behind Kazuma, in which are seated just about the entire
Karekano cast, with the exception of Yukino Miyazawa's parents and
grandfather, chatting, laughing and having a gay old time.]
Manager: [off] Let me ask you this, Ikeda, did Tsubasa absolutely have to
bring all her friends with her to America? How the hell will I explain this
to the higher ups, huh?
Kazuma: [off] It's cool, man, I've got it all worked out. You have no idea
how many connections Tsubasa has.
[Shot of Aya Sawada, typing something at her window seat with a laptop, and
Rika Sena, knitting away contentedly.]
Kazuma: [off] She got us our press secretary, our costume designer...
Aya: [looking up; to the camera] Yeah, I'm a sellout. Bite me.
[Rika looks up too, beams and waves.]
Rika: Hi!
[Shot of Tsubaki Sakura, aisle, and Takefumi Tonami, window. Tsubaki is
playing some game on a Gameboy; Tonami appears to be dozing.]
Kazuma: [off] Our bodyguards...
Tsubaki: [jubilant, loking at the Gameboy] YES! And Philly pulls an upset
win 56-0! Damn I'm good!
[Shot of Yusuke Takashi, Maho Isawa's dentist boyfriend, sitting in a window
seat, wearing sunglasses and looking cool.]
Kazuma: [off; without shame] Not to mention that dentist through a friend of
Tsubasa's friend who set us up with all that nitrous.
Yusuke: [to the camera] Hey.
[Shot of Maho Isawa, lounging in her aisle seat beside Yusuke and looking
glamorous.]
Kazuma: [off] Thing was he wouldn't go without his girlfriend...
Maho: [running a hand through her tresses] I have cool hair.
[Shot of Yukino Miyazawa, in her own aisle seat in front of Maho, clad in a
sundress and looking practically perfect in every way, her eyes shut and a
serene smile on her face.]
Kazuma: [off] ...and _she_ wouldn't go without Tsubasa's friend because the
dentist's girlfriend isn't actually Tsubasa's friend...
Yukino: [in response to Maho] Not as cool as mine.
[Shot of Soichiro Arima, looking out the window from his seat, scowling, his
head propped up by his hand.]
Kazuma: [off] ...and Tsubasa's friend wouldn't go without her man.
[Cut back to Kazuma looking up at the manager. Tsubasa ignores them and
continues to munch.]
Manager: [through his teeth] That's a lot of fucking airline tickets, pal.
Kazuma: [matter-of-factly] It was a lot of fucking nitrous.
Manager: [fixing to tear his hair out] That's not the _point_...!
Kazuma: [apologetic] Dude, if this is about you not getting yours, I'll make
it up to you, honest...
Manager: [losing it] NO IT'S NOT!
Flight Attendant: [who is trying to get by with a trolley] Sir, will you
please calm down and return to your seat. You're disturbing the other
passengers, not to mention blocking the aisle.
Tsubasa: [looking up] C'n I have another Coke?
Flight Attendant: [reluctant] Are you sure, miss? This is your sixth and we
haven't been off the ground an hour yet...
Tsubasa: [throwing a Cartmanesque tantrum] Goddammit get me another Coke I said!
[Cut back to Arima and Yukino, Arima still scowling in his seat. Tsubasa's
tantrum can be heard in the background; Arima and Yukino, well used to it,
ignore her.]
Arima: So why do I have to pay for Hideaki _and_ your sisters again?
Yukino: [defensively] I told you, Kano and Tsukino'll pay you back when we
get home. Kano says she'll make a killing selling those extra _Nanami_
_dojinshi_ fan comics at the con...
Arima: [turns towards her; not buying it] Oh what, you mean the ones that've
been sitting in your room since the cultural festival that she just had to
print up two hundred of when she was lucky to sell twenty at the cultural
festival? After _I_ bought five at 500 yen a pop?
Yukino: [suddenly smirking] Heh. Try $20 to $25 American in Denver.
[Flashback of Kano in a fleur-de-lis T-shirt, waving like mad a copy of her
_Nanami_ _dojinshi_, _La sorci�re du nord, par Studio Poutine_.]
Kano: Americans are such suckers! [covering her mouth; in her best Kodachi
Kuno] OHOHOHOHO!
[Yukino pushes the flashback out of the way with a finger, which she then
points at Arima's nose.]
Yukino: Trust me, we've got it all worked out.
[Shot of Asaba in his aisle seat a few rows down, propositioning a flight
attendant.]
Flight Attendant: Sir, I can't serve liquor to minors. It's more than my
job's worth.
[Close up on Asaba's face, as he flashes the attendant a grin. His teeth gleam.]
Asaba: You don't mean that.
[Shot of the attendant as she blushes like mad.]
Flight Attendant: [completely flustered] No...no, of course not. I don't
mean that.
[Shot of asaba looking up at his new conquest.]
Asaba: A Jim Beam on the rocks.
Flight Attendant: A Jim Beam on the rocks.
[She complies. Asaba waves his hand.]
Asaba: [a la Ben Kenobi] Move along.
Flight Attendant: Move along.
Arima: [off; continuing the argument] You weren't the one who had to explain
to father and mother why the so-called "field trip" cost so damn much.
They're not _that_ rich.
Yukino: [off; counterattacking] I _also_ wasn't the one who asked Asapin along.
[Cut back to Arima's face, suddenly blushing.]
Arima: [off] I didn't ask him either! [reddens more] I just hadn't the heart
to tell him he couldn't come with me.
[Cut back to Yukino's face; she is smiling coyly.]
Yukino: And why not?
[Cut back to Arima, now red as a beet.]
Arima: [defensively] I didn't want to see him cry.
[Yukino leans over and whispers in his ear.]
Yukino: [sotto voce] You know you want him.
Arima: [recoiling as if from a snake, revolted] I do not!
[Close up of Yukino's face, looking as seductive as possible.]
Yukino: [throatily] You know, darling, I've been fantasizing about a
threesome for quite some time now...
Arima: Are you out of your mind? I thought you'd rather join a convent than...
Yukino: Well, who else am I going to share you with, dear?
Arima: Share _ME_!?
Maho: [leaning over the top of Yukino's seat, smiling] Who am I, Miyazawa,
chopped liver?
Arima: [looking up at Maho, flabbergasted] Isawa, are you nuts? What about...?
Yusuke: [leaning over Arima's head, leering] We're into swapping.
Arima: You're WHAT?
Maho: [raising an eyebrow] Didn't Miyazawa tell you?
Yukino: [to Maho, apologetic] Never got around to it.
[Arima jumps up and grabs Yusuke's collar, looking vicious]
Arima: [to Yusuke, disgusted] Listen you sick bastard, if you think for one
moment I'm gonna let you touch Miyazawa, you're...
Yusuke: [backing off] Hey man, if you're not cool with that, I'll just watch.
Maho: We can work up to it. I had to.
Yukino: Just the menage a trois's okay for now.
[Shot of Arima looking towards the camera. Beat.]
[Shot of the girls looking back at him.]
[Shot of Arima looking towards the camera. His nose starts to bleed, ever so
slightly. He lets Yusuke go and sits back in his seat, staring straight ahead.]
Arima: [finally; evenly] Remind me at the hotel.
Yusuke: You need to lighten up, dude.
[Maho leans around the side of Yukino's seat and whispers in her ear.]
Maho: This is as good an excuse as any for me to try out that strap-on I
told you about...
Yukino: [warily] I dunno, Maho, there's only so much bending over, literal
and figurative, that I can get the guy to do in one go...
[Close up of Maho's face, framed by orange roses.]
Maho: [throatily] Oh, no, Yukino. It's not for him, it's for you.
[Close up of Yukino. She is blushing; she might be nibbling on a
handkerchief. She can't quite look Maho in the eye. She is framed by cherry
blossoms.]
Yukino: [melodramatically, the blushing virgin] Oh I don't know,
_onesan_...I want to, but...do you really want me? [a tear springs to her
eye] You're just...so much mature than I am. I'm not worthy of you...
[Close up of Maho's face, framed by orange roses.]
Maho: [throatily] I know.
[Shot of Arima sitting back in his seat, staring straight ahead, his eyes
bugging out, his nose now bleeding up a storm. Yusuke is leaning over the
seat giving a clearly well-practiced and self-serving speech, a la Kyle's
dad, about the philosophy of swinging.]
Yusuke: Listen, Arima--this is us talking man to man here--it's all about
trust. You don't strike me as the sort who'd betray your partner, ever,
never mind steal someone else's girl. Me, not only would I never dream of
betraying Maho, I wouldn't dream of muscling in on what you and Miyazawa
have. And I trust Maho enough that I can be comfortable in the knowledge
that she'd never do anything like that to me, so I can sit back and watch
her have fun with her best friend and her friend's man and be happy that I'm
able to share the experience with her. And you know what, Arima? Nothing I
know about Miyazawa leads me to believe she'd ever betray you or leave you,
unless you drove her away. You know what I think? I think you realize
Miyazawa trusts you, but I don't think you completely trust her. And if
you're thinking that, then your relationship's already in trouble no matter
what Maho does. Listen. It's only because we're as committed to each other
and as trusting of each other that we'd even be able to do this. Sure, I
wouldn't do it with anyone I didn't know from Adam either, but there's a
difference between being safe and being paranoid. As long as everybody
involved consents, everybody's having fun and nobody misunderstands what's
going on, nobody should get hurt. I know. Jealousy's a natural emotion. It's
something you got to learn to control. Learning to trust your partner enough
not to get jealous just because that she wants to have fun and experience
pleasure, with you, it takes a lot of work and a lot of self-control. So
what? So does everything else in life worth having. And trust me, it is
worth it. Not only will your sex life be improved no end, but believe you
me--I'm not just saying this, I know a couple who've been at this for 40
years and they swear it's kept them young--you pull it off and what you have
together will last forever.
[Arima does not answer. His shirt is slowly being ruined by the nosebleed.]
Yusuke: [prosaic] Say, dude, you look like shit. You want a Kleenex?
[Cut to Aya, still typing, and Rika. Rika is looking up from her knitting,
over at Yukino et al., and smiling happily.]
Rika: Yukino and Maho are such good friends.
Aya: [not looking up, mostly to herself] Am I the only normal person on this
plane?
Kano: [off] How do we look?
[Aya and Rika look up.]
[Pan up of Kano and Tsukino Miyazawa. Must I describe Kano?
<shameless plug>
If you've seen the Studio Poutine website, you've seen the costume she's
wearing here. If you haven't, check her out at
www.msu.edu/user/corrig11/poutine.htm.
</shameless plug>
If, poor fool, you have no web access, she's wearing a version of Nanami
Kiryu's duellist outfit from _Utena_, except with a blue-white (not
yellow-black) color scheme, with a white fleur-de-lis on her breast,
complete with trick sword.
Tsukino is wearing what should have been Anthy Himemiya's Rose Bride outfit,
except it's tattered in some rather risque places and showing a shocking
amount of leg. She wears a tiara with a maple-leaf motif, and is holding
Peropero in her arms.]
[Cut back to Aya and Rika.]
Aya: [to herself] I'll take that as a no.
Rika: [gushing] You look wonderful!
[Shot of all four, Kano and Tsukino standing in the aisle, Aya and Rika in
their seats.]
Aya: So where's the rest of the marching band?
Kano: [not amused] HEY!
Rika: [upset] Be nice, Aya. I made those myself. They took me two weeks to make.
Aya: [to the Miyazawa girls] Okay, spill. How much did you whine at your sis
until she agreed to beg Rika to commit this travesty?
Rika: She didn't beg, Aya...
Tsukino: We now owe Yukino three months allowance. Each.
Kano: At 20% interest.
[Rika blinks.]
Rika: But Arima gave me the money...
Kano: Don't mean a thing to Sis.
Aya: 'k, you're that Nanami bitch, I know who you are, Kano...
Kano: [put off] That's a bit harsh, ain't it?
Aya: [not missing a beat] Who's your sis supposed to be?
Tsukino: Anthee Trudeau, la Sorciere aux chiffons rouges.
Rika: [helpfully] The Witch in Red Rags, Nanami's sworn enemy.
Kano: [this explains everything] Tsukino has her hair.
Aya: [rmembering something] Say, how'd you get the dog on the plane? [beat]
It is a dog, right?
[Close up on Peropero. Tsukino pets him.]
Tsukino: [off] We told customs he was a Chimpokomon doll, so they decided we
were secret agents incognito and let us through without a fuss.
Rika: How clever!
[The volume of Tsubasa's tantrum, background noise up to now, chooses then
to pick up.]
Tsubasa: [off] Sonofabitch, are you gonna get me a Coke or not?
Aya: [clenching her fist] That does it.
[Shot of Tsubaki, who has dozed off beside Tonami. Tonami is now playing
with the Gameboy.]
Aya: [off] Rika, go wake Tsubaki up so she can kick Tsubasa's ass.
Rika: [chirping] Okay!
Tonami: [grumbling] Okay, maybe Tetris is not my thing.
[Cut to Tsubasa's seat, where the flight attendant is at her wit's end.]
Flight attendant: [sweatdropping like mad, trying to pacify Tsubasa] Miss,
we don't have any more Coke. There's nothing I can do about that...
Tsubasa: [imitating her voice] "There's nothing I can do about that..."
[yelling again] What sort of an operation are you running here? We're VIPs,
goddamnit!
Kazuma: Um, Tsubasa, we are kind of in coach...
Tsubasa: [to Kazuma] Bite me!
[Hiromi and Toshiharu have stood up, and are trying to act as peacemakers.
The manager is off to the side, looking nervous.]
Manager: Oh Jesus, let there be no journalists on the plane...
Hiromi: [bowing like mad] I'm so sorry about my stepdaughter, she's not
usually like this...
Toshiharu: Yes she is...OW!
Hiromi: [extracting her heel from her husband's foot; smiling sweetly]
Tsubasa, stop being mean to the nice lady...
Tsubasa: Jesus, Hiromi, all I want's a goddamn Coke...
Hiromi: [losing her cool] Dammit, Tsubasa, stop making a spectacle out of me
and pipe down! You're driving me nuts!
Toshiharu: What do you mean you...OW!
Hiromi: [extracting her heel from his foot again] And you can shut up as well!
[The flight attendant finally breaks down.]
Flight Attendant: Oh dear God, why me? What is it always me?
[Close up on Tsubasa, flipping out.]
Tsubasa: When I want whine from you I'll order some, now get me a Coke or
I'll kick your ass!
[Tsubaki's hand reaches towards Tsubasa, holding something in plastic wrap.]
Tsubaki: [off] Here, Tsubasa, have a Snacky Cake.
[Tsubasa stops raving immediately, and smiles.]
Tsubasa: Ooh, a Snacky Cake, kickass.
[Shot of Tsubaki, stretching in the aisle. She turns to the attendant.]
Tsubaki: She should be okay now. She raises another stink, let me know.
Flight Attendant: [weeping for joy] Oh, thank you, sir!
Tsubaki: [not amused] What do you mean sir?
Flight Attendant: [embracing Tsubaki, her back to Tsubasa] There's nothing I
admire more than a man who's good with small children...
Tsubaki: You just need to know how to...
[Suddenly a look of horror emerges on Tsubaki's face. An unearthly glow
appears at the edge of the screen, around where Tsubasa would be.]
Tsubaki: Oh shit! NO!
[There is a terrific explosion.]
[Cut to a television screen on which a news anchor is reporting the day's
events to the people of Denver.]
Anchor: [tenor, inane] And in other news, Japan Air Lines flight attendant
Yumi Yoshida is being hailed as a hero this evening after she singlehandedly
saved 143 passengers, including ten Americans, on a JAL flight to LA from
certain death. Sources say Japanese rock diva Tsubasa Shibahime, en route to
a gig in Denver, literally exploded in a fit of air rage on the flight,
nearly tearing the plane to pieces with her bare hands. Miss Shibahime, we
understand tonight, stopped her rampage only after Miss Yoshida, in an act
of great courage, was able to calm her by tossing her a packet of Cheezy
Poofs. Amazingly, JAL have decided not to press charges against Miss
Shibahime, a spokesman saying, quote, "She's a celebrity, she can do anything."
[Mrs. Cartman, Eric's mom, is listening to the news as she types on her home
computer, speaking to herself as she types.]
Mrs. Cartman: [types] Then it's a date. I'll see you at the hentai panel on
Saturday, sexgod666. [beat; types] Are you sure? I never do that on the
first date...usually. [beat; types] Oh don't worry. I'll try anything once.
Then you'll bring the equipment? [beat; types] All right. How will I
recognize you? [beat; types] Well, that'll certainly be distinctive... [to
herself] Wait. That sounds familiar...you live in Park County, right?
[Eric barges into the room.]
Cartman: Mom, mom, you've got to take me to Denver this weekend...
Mrs. Cartman: [not looking at him] Not now, snookums, Mommy's busy right now.
Cartman: Mom, this is a matter of life and death. Yer going to Lolicon 2002,
right?
Mrs. Cartman: Why yes, Eric. [types] Hold on a second. I'll be right back.
Cartman: Mom. You have _got_ to take me with you.
Mrs. Cartman: But why? I thought you didn't like Chimpokomon any more.
Cartman: No, Mom, Chimpokomon sucks ass. But I really gotta go or my life
will suck ass forever and ever...
Mrs. Cartman: Eric, there won't be very many children your age there. I'm
afraid you'll be bored. I don't think you'd like _Cool Devices_ at all.
Cartman: But Mom...
Mrs. Cartman: Besides, Mommy will be seeing her friends there and she won't
have time to take care of you.
Cartman: [whining piercingly like he does] But, _Mooooom_...
Mrs. Cartman: I know! I'll send you to spend the weekend at your friend
Kenny's house! Won't that be fun?
Cartman: But _Moooooom_...I don't wanna stay at Kenny's, his family's po'...
Mrs. Cartman: Oh, all right, we'll see.
Cartman: [cheering up immensely] Sweetness.
Mrs. Cartman: Okay, snookums, time for beddy-byes.
[Cut to Eric's bedroom, where Eric is tucked into bed. He's looking towards
the camera, towards his mom.]
Cartman: Mom...
[Cut to Mrs. Cartman, her head poking in the door.]
Mrs. Cartman: Yes, hon?
Cartman: C'n I ask you a question?
Mrs. Cartman: Go right ahead.
Cartman: D'you wanna be a grandma?
Mrs. Cartman: I don't think that'll happen for a while, Eric.
Cartman: [trying again] No, mom...I mean...what if I said I'd found the girl
of my dreams? Would you be okay with it?
Mrs. Cartman: Of course, as long as you use protection. Good night. [shuts
the door]
[BGM: Dramatic theme ad lib. from Karekano.]
[Eric lies staring at the ceiling for a few moments. Eventually he gets up
and goes to the window and looks outside.]
[Shot of Eric staring out the window, looking up.]
Cartman: [VO; softly, tenderly, without a hint of irony, that is, nothing
like Cartman at all] What is this feeling?
[Shot of the South Park night from Cartman's window. A light snow begins to
fall. For no apparent reason it changes to cherry blossoms.
From the blossoms emerges Tsubasa, looking impossibly beautiful, dressed
in a silk gown and floating just out of Cartman's reach with the wings of an
angel.]
Cartman: [VO] I feel her so close that I can almost touch her.
[Shot of Eric, in his pajamas, left, and angel-Tsubasa floating above him
right, against a black background. The blossoms continue to fall.]
Cartman: [VO] Despite the fact I am big-boned, just the thought of her makes
my little heart as light as a feather. It's as if something new is growing
within me...
[Shot of Eric looking up at Tsubasa, awe-struck, smiling.]
Cartman: [VO] And I do not feel sad, because I know we will be united soon,
and the love that has sprouted in my heart will begin at last to come into
full flower...
[THe blossoms cease. Cartman suddenly snaps out of it.]
Cartman: HEY! [looks at the black background] Who turned out the fucking lights?
[Random South Park BGM.]
[Cut to the Brozlofski SUV as it trundles down the interstate towards
Denver. In the front is Mrs. Brozlofski, Kyle's mom (driving) and Mrs.
Cartman in the passenger's seat. In the back are Stan, Kyle, Cartman, Kenny
and Ike, Kyle's little brother.]
[Shot of the two mothers from the front windshield.]
Mrs. Cartman: This is very nice of you, taking the children to Lolicon 2002,
Sheila.
Mrs. Brozlofski: Aw, forget about it.
Mrs. Cartman: I didn't know you liked anime too.
Mrs. Brozlofski: Not as such. [tearing up] I'm doing this for Ike.
Mrs. Cartman: I don't understand.
Mrs. Brozlofski: You see...[sniffles]...I heard Terrance and Phillip were
coming...and, well, you know Ike is adopted...
Mrs. Cartman: Yes, I do. He's Canadian, isn't he?
Ike: [babbling in the back] I wan' poutine.
Mrs. Brozlofski: Uh-huh...so...after the war with Canada ended...I figured
he should have an opportunity to become familiar with his Canadian heritage.
After all the misery I caused...[sobs]...I owe him that much...
Mrs. Cartman: You're such a thoughtful person, Sheila.
[In the back the boys are talking amongst themselves.]
Kyle: Say, Stan, your mom was pretty cool to give you the money to go to
Lolicon.
Stan: Nah. She thinks I'm going on a field trip to learn about Japanese culture.
Kyle: Well, you are, sorta.
Cartman: [snickering] Your mom's fucking stupid.
Stan: Shut up, fatass!
Kenny: [joining in Stan's defense] Mm, mm mm!
Cartman: What you doing here anyhoo, Kenny, your family's po'.
Kyle: Mom's paying for him. She said something about him being underprivileged.
Cartman: He ain't underprivileged, he's po'.
Kenny: [not amused] Mm mm!
Stan: Hey, Kyle?
Kyle: Yeah, dude?
Stan: I thought Lolicon was next week.
[Kyle thinks for a moment.]
Kyle: Hey Mom, why do we have to go to Denver today? The con's not for
another week.
Mrs. Cartman: Well, kids, we didn't know you were coming until the other
day, so you have to register.
Kyle: Oh. That makes sense, I guess.
[Shot of the SUV pulling up by the side of the road, somewhere in the
countryside, beside a sign reading DENVER--10 MILES. The sign marks the back
of a queue. The kids get out of the car with Mrs. Cartman and Mrs.
Brozlofski, who hand them some bags of Cheesy Poofs, some bottled water, and
Ike.]
Mrs. Brozlofski: Here you go kids.
Kyle: Mom, why are we here? I don't see Hotel Grande anywhere.
Mrs. Cartman: Oh, this is the end of the registration line. The hotel's at
the other end.
Stan: 'k.
Mrs. Cartman: [to herself] My, the line is so long this year. By this time
last year it was only five miles long. The con's grown by leaps and bounds.
Stan: [his hat jumping in the air] WHAT!?
Mrs. Cartman: It'll take you about a week to get to the registration desk. I
brought enough of your favorite snacks to last you 'til you get there.
[turns towards the car] Bye now. Play nice.
Mrs. Brozlofski: [from the car] Bye bye, boobie. Take care of your brother.
Kyle: [horrified] Mom! You can't just leave us here!
Stan: Yeah, don't you have to register too?
Mrs. Cartman: We pre-registered, Stan. We don't have to wait in line. See
you in a week, kids.
[The two mothers drive off, leaving the boys by the side of the road staring
after them.]
[Beat.]
Kenny: [finally] Mm, mm mm mm mm mm.
Stan: You said it, Kenny.
Ike: [babbling] Gilles duceppe.
Kyle: [realizing something] Wait a sec. How come Mom was pre-registered and
I wasn't?...On second thought, don't answer that.
Cartman: [about to break into song] o/~ Well... o/~
Kyle: I said don't answer that!
Cartman: Just trying to lighten the mood, Jesus.
Kyle: This isn't funny, Cartman! I don't wanna stand here for a week
freezing my ass off!
Cartman: [suddenly very serious] Kyle, you see this as a pain in the ass. I
see this is as a test of devotion. For I know that once I have endured this
travail, my angel will be waiting at the other side...
[He trails off as he realizes the others are looking at him like he's nuts.]
Stan: [finally] Cartman, what the hell are you talking about?
Cartman: [snapping out of it] No kidding, what am I talking about? Jesus, I
need some Cheezy Poofs. [rips into a bag and starts devouring the contents]
Kyle: Those have got to last us a week, fatass!
Cartman: Yeah, whatever.
[Kenny, having nothing to add, decides to pass the time by crossing the
road. Naturally, he is flattened by an oncoming Mack truck. Stan looks at Kyle.]
Stan: Your turn.
Kyle: Fuck you, it's your turn.
[The person in front of the boys, a scrawny teenager with pimples in a black
Dragonball Z shirt tries to strike up a conversation.]
Otaku: Hey dude, do you like Chimpokomon? [holds up a plushie] I've got Shoe.
Cartman: [not looking at him] Dude, even my mom has Shoe. Who you tryin' to
impress?
TSUZUKU
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