I haven't really written much of
anything before so feel free to flame the hell outta
the newbie and his short little story. C&C is welcome
and encouraged. Flames will be used to light bags of
poo on doorsteps.

I'll try to be encouraging and constructive.

[1/2 Piece]
A Ranma 1/2-Dragonball-One Piece fusion fanfic

I take it the mysterious object Ranma finds at the end
is a dragonball?  As I know very little about that
series, I didn't recognize it.

***Chapter 00: Pre-breakfast Excursion***

Screams filled the cold morning air of the Nerima ward in 
Tokyo, Japan. These screams were followed by the angry roars 
of a beast in a murderous rage. The beast in question was a 
towering monstrosity that resembled a yeti riding a bull, 
holding a crane and eel. Such an odd combination of creatures 
was unusual to say the least; even in a place such as Nerima.

Reasonably good start, I think.  Starting with the word "screams"
is a good way to keep readers reading.  To me the third sentence
falls down a bit; readers familiar with Pantyhosetaro's cursed
form will find that sentence repetitive.  But it's your fourth
sentence I'll really consider taking out.  You might consider
replacing it with a description of the stunned faces on the
onlookers or something.

One Ranma Saotome stood at ground zero of the destruction 
caused by the rampaging beast, in what remained of the public 
bathhouse. To his left was a small wrinkled old man. Both 
were slightly battered and a little dirty, but that's to be 
expected considering a bathhouse had just exploded around them.

Good so far.  Question, though:  what is Ranma et. al. doing
in a public bathhouse prior to breakfast?  Do you ever
explain?  To my mind, the overall situation needs no particular
explanation; one can easily fill in the blanks of a three-way
Pantyhosetaro-Happosai-Ranma fight.  But we seldom see pre-
breakfast fights outside the Tendo grounds in the manga, so
the question arises how Ranma got dragged out this way.

"Pantyhose you idiot! Why's you have to go an destroy the 

"Pantyhose, you"

bathhouse?" Ranma yelled up at the monster. He immediately 
regretted giving his position away as the beast swung a 
mighty fist downward. The nimble Saotome barely managed to 
get out of its way in time.

"GRRRR! REND! TEAR! SMASH! POUND!" roared the monster known 
as Pantyhose Tarou. He began to move about in circles, trying 

In the manga, Pantyhosetaro's cursed form can't speak, just
grunt or moo or roar.  If that's supposed to be speech,
I'd rethink it.

to find his prey in the early morning light. Finding no one 
but frightened patrons of the bathhouse who were too foolish 
to have run away at the start of the fight, Tarou let out 
another mighty roar.

Ranma peered out from behind the overturned bathtub he was 
using for cover. Things had gone horribly wrong in this 
fight. Ranma looked around for his companion, the cause of 

How did Ranma expect them to go?

all his misery. Most of his misery, Ranma corrected himself. 
Happousai was adept at hiding and running away; Ranma could 
expect no help from the aged pervert.

Once again, Ranma's brain had been incorrect it seemed.

"Pantyhose! Come and get me fool!" the old pervert yelled 
from somewhere in the ruined bathhouse turned battlefield. 
Ranma didn't have to be told to run at this point. The sounds 
of Happou Dai Karins exploding and Tarou's enraged roars told 
him that he'd best be on his way if he wanted to live to see 
another sunrise.

This seems OOC for Ranma, although perhaps that's because
I don't know when in the series this is set.  By the end of
the series Ranma is not very inclined to run at either
Happosai or Pantyhosetaro.  (Actually, Ranma is not very
inclined to run at any point in the series, but there are
brief points when the Happodaikarin and Pantyhosetaro's
cursed form are both significant threats to Ranma.)

If set shortly after Pantyhosetaro's first appearance,
I can see Ranma acting like this.  But for the Ranma who
charges into a three-way battle with Rouge and Pantyhosetaro
in Vol 32 of the manga to act like this seems... odd.

Utilizing the famed Saotome Secret Attack, Ranma put the 

It's 'Saotome Secret Technique', not 'Attack'.  Given what
it is, I think it especially important not to describe it
as an attack.

pedal to the metal and hightailed it away from the monster 
and the perverted old master's bombs. Naturally, Ranma's bad 
luck easily caught up to him in the form of an airborne 
Tarou. Ranma barely managed a scream as the gargantuan beast 
landed only inches away from his terrified form.

"Holy shit!" Ranma blurted out, not caring that children may 
be reading this work of fiction. He looked up to see 

I'd recommend trying not to break the fourth wall like that.
It tends to destroy authorial credibility, unless you're
very careful with how you use it.

jumped down into the Tarou crater and hauled the boy out. As 
he lifted him to safety, Ranma noticed a small box partly 
uncovered by the impact.

<clip> 

"What the hell is this?" Ranma put Tarou down and inspected 
the partially buried box. Using his hands, he managed to free 
it from the grip of the dry and very unyielding earth. 

<clip> 

"I guess I should take this with me. No sense in wasting a 
perfectly good treasure. It might even buy me some food." 
Ranma rubbed his stomach at the pleasant thought of a large 
breakfast. Oh yeah, he thought. "Mmmmmmmmm."

I'm not quite sure I follow this.  Does Ranma believe that
the box was buried here, or in Pantyhosetaro's possession?
On first reading, I believed the latter, and found this very
OOC for Ranma (i.e., stealing).  If the former, it's quite
reasonable behavior for Ranma, so that's probably what you
meant.  Suggest you make it clearer.

***End Chapter 00***

To sum:  For a short piece where not much really happens,
this is quite engaging.  Technically your writing is good,
and I thought Ranma's speech patterns and Happosai's
characterization both on track.  You could spend a bit
more space describing the bathhouse, but that's more of
a nicety at this point.  To really give good
comments, though, we'll have to see more characters and
more plot.

Good job, although it's a bit early to judge.
	     .---Anime/Manga Fanfiction Mailing List----.
             | Administrators - ffml-admins@anifics.com |
             | Unsubscribing - ffml-request@anifics.com |
             |     Put 'unsubscribe' in the subject     |
             `---- http://ffml.anifics.com/faq.txt -----'