Hey All,

- Hiya, I'm not quoting with > 's because then it'd mess up formatting
royally.  I need to figure out how to fix that with my email reader.
Anyway, haven't read this yet, so I will put my thoughts in comment form
right in the middle of this. -

I'm taking a mental breather from Fragments (I hate writing sad crap for
an extended period of time) and I came across *this* on my hard drive.
After cleaning it up a bit, I decided, what the hell, might as well post
it. Aside from Gary's story (which I'm biting my nails, waiting for
more....*HINT HINT*) I haven't seen any other IY fanfictions on this
list...I think everyone should write some seeing as I'm obsessed with
this series in a really, really sick way. >_<

- Too bad on Fragments, I was getting to wondering why every time I
checked the page there were no new chapters up.  Haven't read Kleppe's
story yet, I was just remembering that he posted one on the list recently 
when I noticed you had written something, so this got priority.  As far
as Inu Yasha fics go, there's not much, but I did manage to come across
this one girl's page last year that writes a lot of IY fanfiction.  Try
http://www.queenofswords.com/inufics.htm and look for "Crazy Little Thing 
Called Love.  I think I might read that one again too, it's been a little 
while. -

Here we go:

- Righteo. -

NOTE: I'm taking a mental break from writing pure, unadulterated angst - I 
wanted to tap out something dirty and fun.  Feel free to tear this to 
shreds.

- Noted, I just might.  We'll see. -

There are times that I turn around to look behind me, at the way the sun set 
amidst the dust our feet rose up - and at moments like those, I just want to 
sit down and give up.

- "There are times that I stop to turn around and look behind me, to see
the way the sun sets amidst the floating dust our feet kicked up.  It's
moments like those that I just want to sit down and give up." -

So many miles traveled, all those half-tragedies survived, but for what?  
Pieces on pieces of shards that together make the wishes and hopes of
one, careful person come true.

- "Layers upon layers, pieces forming a whole that together make the
wishes and hopes of one careful person to come true." -

I'm not as simple and stupid as that damn priest likes to think, and I'm 
nearly as smart as Kagome sometimes gives me credit for.  I want that jewel 

- "and I'm not nearly as smart" missing word "not." -

for all the wrong reasons - but I know how to keep it for all the right 
ones.

- use a comma instead of a hyphen. -

"Inuyasha," Kagome calls wearily, "can we please sit down a while - I'm 

- same -

really tired."  I cast a glance in her direction, and I sniff the air 
slightly.  All right - she's telling the truth - wait.

I sniff the air again.

Oh, and she's in heat, too.

- "All right, she's telling the truth."  The word "wait" is unneeded, and 
it would be grammatically incorrect to hyphenate it in as well. -

Fantastic.  Tonight is going to be hell for me.

It must have only started a few moments ago, or else I would have been 
walking funny earlier.  Thank God for these robes.  Don't start me on the 
horrors of the male perversity, you deal with a body part that can't be 
hidden, constrained, or properly punished without seriously painful 
consequences, and that possesses a mind of its own - *then* you can harass 
me about it.

- *nods sagely* -

But even with the damn kimono - sitting down sounds good.

- I'm not going to comment on this anymore. -

Gruffly, I sneer at her and throw down her enormous Pack from Hell, 
carefully listening for the sounds of any unfriendly intruder, I smirk and 
say, "Fine, this place seems as good as any to tuck down for the night."  I 
sniff the air again.  "There's a stream just over there - we should be set."

- Runon sentence. 
Sneering, I toss her enormous Pack from Hell down into a patch of dead
leaves and twigs.

"Fine," I tell her gruffly," this place seems as good as any to tuck down 
for the night."  Sniffing the air once more and taking a moment to listen 
to the forest around us, I plop down next to the pack.  "There's also a
stream just over there, we should be set." -

She raises an eyebrow in surprise.  And I can understand why.  On most days, 

- She raises an eyebrow in surprise, and I can understand why. -

it takes at least three 'sits' to get me to stop and set up camp - this 
relative sensitivity has got her off center.  Good.

- off balance. -

She smiles now, "Thanks, Inuyasha."  She grabs Sango's hand, the strap to 
her bookbag and starts bolting towards the dark part of the woods - 

- "her bookbag, and bolts toward a darker part of the woods, undoubtedly" -

undoubtedly for their nightly bathroom rituals.  Ever since Kagome 
introduced Sango to the joys of future skin-care products, every evening has 
just been another trial in repressing laughter for me and the priest.  If 

- Kinda something I'd personally add, "trial in repressing laughter for
me and the priest, something which we quickly learned was a Bad Idea."

its not cucumbers over their eyes, then its some strange, pale green cement 
all over their faces.  We know better than to laugh - but it still hurts to 
hold it in.

- He probably wouldn't know it is a cement unless she told him, or what
cement is for that matter.  Nevertheless, it's a unknown word to him, so
I doubt he'd remember it.  Try looking at it as if he were a caveman and
trying to make sense of the modern world around him, and describe it in
those simple terms. -

"Inuyasha," he calls, and I glance towards where he's built a fire.  
Sniffing, I walk over to it, and plop myself down in the soft moss there, 
eyes captured by the flame as he says, "We have to talk about what we're 
going to do."

- Um, who is talking?  It was first person point of view with Inu Yasha
just a moment ago, now it's someone else. "in the soft moss there.  Eyes
captured on the flame, he says," -

"Do?" I ask, "About what?"  My voice a great deal more polite than I usually 
allow - and that alone makes Miroku stare at me in wonder for a moment 
before continuing:

- Still no clue who's talking, but I'm leaning toward Kagome.  Also, no
colon after the word "continuing." -

"About the jewel, Inuyasha - we're only missing about one or two pieces 
anymore."

- anymore -> now -

Sometimes, things just get from bad to worse to 'Inuyasha as a ragin' 
youkai'.  There's a steep hill from where I started off this morning, to 
where I am right now.

- I know what you're inferring here, but it's an awkward paragraph and I
can't think of a good way to fix it.  You might consider dropping it, or
doing a total rewrite on it. -

My only consolation is that we've almost completed the Shikon no Tama, and 
afterwards . . . Well, I don't really know yet.  But I'm sure I'll be better 
than right now.

- "afterwards ... well, I don't really know yet.  I'm sure it'll be better" -

Right now I'm cold, sick, tired, and cramping.

Stupid ovaries.

- "Stupid overies, stupid PMS, stupid adventure.  Where's some Midol when 
you need it?" :) -

There's an inherent lesson to be learned in this, just because women are in 
'heat' doesn't mean that we want some.  In case no female has ever gone off 

- Correct me if I'm wrong, because I'm no expert in a woman's menstral
cycle, but would Kagome still be considered to be in "heat" if she's
already having her period?  She wouldn't be fertile anymore.  Unless
she's cramping for another reason... -

The point is - shirking back a little, I stepped up to Inuyasha and grabbed 
his hand, garnering his attention so I could point at the pair of them 

- "Stepping back, I grabbed Inu Yasha's hand to get his attention on the
pair of demons in front of us, just sitting there and watching me."

sitting there, watching me.  Now, I'm sure you can guess what they thought I 
was telling him, because they recognized Inuyasha, watched me whisper in his 
ear, and saw his fangs gleam as he grinned evilly.

Well, what I actually said was, "Hey!  Look behind those two guys, there's a 
noodle stand - maybe we could get some later!"

- hehe -

Nevertheless, they ran, and I congratulated myself.

Demons and their senses of smell, bah.  My God, if Inuyasha wasn't a 
half-youkai - he'd be able to smell it, too, and I don't even want to 
*think* about the teasing I'd withstand.

- She's not thinking.  He caught the scent of water from the stream in
the last scene from who knows how far away, but she thinks Inu Yasha
can't smell her?  If you're making a joke, I think it's too subtle. -

"I had an accident."  She raises her eyebrows and grins.  Of course she 
knows, how could she not, it's a chick thing.  "You tell anyone, and I'll 
skin you."  I feel dirty, and nothing save for a quick splash and fresh 
clothes will cheer me up.  I tug off my panties and unhook my bra, I'm 
completely nude now - and I'm reaching for a towel when she says *it*.

- uh oh.-

"Man, Kagome-chan, you're mean when you're ready to screw-"

- Thought Inu Yasha said that until I read it over a few times, because I 
was completely expecting him to walk over right at this moment. -

I ought to be less paranoid, really.

But then again, she's wearing the Shikon shards (something that I absolutely 
despise - considering that she's a weak and silly human who wouldn't be able 
to protect herself from lusting demons or malicious demons or - but I'm 
getting off topic here).  There are millions of people and who'd do more 
than slit the pretty, white throat of one girl in strange clothing to get to 

- no comma after "pretty." -

She's got her arm reared back with a pinecone, aiming at Sango's head, her 
eyes wide and shocked and embarrassed, turning to meet mine.

Did I mention that she's naked?

Yup.  Completely flippin' naked.  Not a shred of cloth.

And she's smelling like musk and strawberries and fucking.

Right - tonight is going to be hell.

- Why the hell did she scream, and what was the point of this entire scene? -

"Inuyasha," I say again, this time my voice much softer.  He turns to look 
at the ground, using one long claw to scribble in the dust near his foot.  
Sighing again, I say:

- no colon. -

I look surprised, no 'stupid wench' comment?  "Then why are you acting like 
this?"

"You wouldn't understand," he growls, and pausing for a moment, says, 

- runon sentence. -

"Stupid wench."  I bite my tongue.  The urge to say 'sit' is rising at an 

- heh. -

Well, he is mine.  Mine and my own forever and eternity, who else would have 
him?  He's gruff; he's crude, curses and drinks.  He just seems like that 

- add "burps and farts" and he's a redneck.  Actually, that'd be a funny
premise for a fanfic. -

type of person.  Demon.  Whatever.  He's slow on the uptake, sensitive as a 
lump of mud, and he would rather peel off his skin than be nice while other 
people were watching.

And I love him.  Dammit, I love him.

- nice. -

My voice is warning as I start, "Inuyasha, I don't want to ruin this 
perfectly nice evening by saying the 's' word, but I will if I have to."  He 
stares at me, that beseeching, transfixing, dewy-eyed, whipped-puppy-dog, 
'why are you going to be mean to someone who loves you and licks your 
cheek?' look boring into my skull.

- no question mark after cheek. -

He sneers, "I'm *not* going to tell you, all right?  It's private, and it's 
something that human's wouldn't understand anyway.  Why are you so hung up 
on this?  It's not like I'm suicidal or something, so could you just get 
your scrawny human ass back into your sleeping roll -"

- Is that something he'd normally respond with in the manga in this sort
of situation? -

====

Thanks for taking the time to read!

- No problem.  The last third of this was pretty clean, so I didn't have
much to comment on.  Overall, looks good.  Other than a few awkward
wording points and sentence structure issues that I found, I didn't have
much of a problem with it.  Punctuation on the other hand, really needs
some work.  I stopped correcting everything except stuff I really
couldn't let pass.  It might be like this because this is an older story
and you're experience level has gone up since the original incarnation,
or maybe I just have been ignoring it in Fragments--I'm not sure.
Anyhow, good work, and happy writing. -

-ling

-td - http://omg.tfenet.com/fanfics


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