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Enjoy!
The FFML Refugee List
My first one-hour fic AND my first Utena fic.
Please enjoy!
Raye
=====
raye_j@yahoo.com
http://members.tripod.com/raye__1/
If your mind is pure,
perhaps your brain has been washed.
Reflections on a Staircase
by Raye Johnsen
raye_j@yahoo.com
********
Shoujo Kakumei Utena is copyright BePapas, Chiho Saitou, Ikuhara
Kunihiko, Shogakukan, Viz Communications and animevillage.com. All
rights remain theirs, and I have no claim to anything. (Though I
wouldn't mind TV Saiyonji....)
*********
Started: 6:45 am, Australian Eastern Standard Time, 7th April 2001
*****
It's over, for now. Lady Utena and I descend the stairs that
lead from the Arena to Ohtori.
Of course, I *could* cause us simply to descend to the ground,
but that's not in my Anshi persona. Besides, it would freak Lady Utena
out, and after what just happened in the Arena with Miss Juri, I think
she's weirded out enough already.
I wonder if this is compassion. I suppose it could be; or
mercy? It's been so long since I've felt anything for anyone. That's
one of the aspects of this system. I would be taken, regardless, so it
didn't *matter* how I felt.
And most of the mortal Princes were too blind to see, anyway.
Most mortal and one immortal.
My brother is a fool.
It hurts to say it. Lady Utena and the other Duelists don't
understand how I can be patient with Nanami, after all her tricks and
ploys, but they don't understand that we are the same, she and I. We
both have older brothers who mean (or *meant*, in my case) the world to
us. Brothers whose approval and affection is the only justification we
need for anything.
Brothers who don't deserve us....
I like the progression down these stairs. A small pleasure, to
have the leisurely slipping-on of the mask and the gentle stripping of
the aura of reality. Small pleasures are all I *get*, so I make the
most of them. Such as watching Lady Utena squirm as I call her 'Lady'.
What, you thought I was really dense enough to miss how she hates it?
Ironic, then, that she comes the closest to achieving the
Power.
I wonder why Akio selected her? Sh isn't what you'd call the
usual type. But then, none of his usual type have succeeded. So she may
be an attempt to change the losing pattern.
She won't win through as she is now. She might - she has the
potential - but then, Upperclassman Saiyonji had the potential too.
The problem with finding someone with the true heart of a
Prince to open the door and obtain the Power of Dios is that if a
person has the true heart of a Prince, they already *have* the Power.
The only thing that will happen when the door is opened is that I will
finally be free.
What is the Power of Dios?
To revolutionize the world.
None of them ever ask "Which world?"
I still don't know what I was thinking when I did it. It was
nine parts desperation, two parts ignorance and a healthy dash of fear.
I wish I could say that this lack of resourcefulness under pressure was
a magical trait, but it isn't. It is, however, entirely human. One of
the few such traits I have left.
It seemed so logical at the time - take those qualities which
made my brother a Prince rather than an ordinary man, seal them away,
and make it so only another Prince could unlock the seal. This would
ensure that there were *two* Princes in the land and so neither my
brother nor the new Prince would ever come to that pass of desperation
again.
I never thought that a Prince might not come at all.
Making a Prince is harder than it seems. The material is
promising but flawed.
It's just yet another example of how foolish this whole thing
is. Any ordinary man can become a Prince; the seeds lie within all of
humanity. And some do, by conquering their baser selves.
But those who vie for the Power of Dios do so for their own
selves. Princehood is not gained by the presentation of a glittering
prize. It is kindness, consideration, compassion, mercy, honesty,
fidelity and all the other virtues. It cannot be won, it must well up
from within one's own heart. One must conquer one's own baser self. One
must have the courage to face the world as it is, the clarity to see it
as it is, the serenity to accept it as it is, and the strength to go
out and try to make a difference.
Utena might make it.
We step down off the last step and through the gate. We are
back, here in my little soap-bubble of a world. Mine, mine, mine. Win
through, somebody; win the Power that you will have utterly no need
for, that my brother has become too corrupt to regain. Win me my
freedom, so I can *leave* and rejoin the *real* world.
Please.
*******
End: 7:44 am, Australian Eastern Standard Time, 7th April 2001.
*******
Author's Notes (post scriptum):
I have chosen to use 'Anshi' rather than 'Anthy' in this fic because,
after listening to the series and movie, I think that's what her name
*is*. Certain of the characters have no trouble with the 'th' sound in
other words, but they *all* pronounce Anshi's name with a distinct 'sh'
sound.
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