Subject: [FFML] C&C for [fic][FF7] All But Blood, Chapter 4
From: "Michael Noakes" <noakes_m@hotmail.com>
Date: 7/11/2001, 4:37 AM
To: kperry@aros.net, ffml@anifics.com

Hi!

Well, here's some belated C&C--hope it's not too late.  Like last time, don't really expect to find too much, but, well, gambarimasho!  Stylistic things I won't comment on, since I don't think it's my place to critique the 'how' of somebody else's writing.

Welcome back, FFML!  Here is my first fanfic contribution
to the resurrected list. ^_^

Yay!  I'm hoping to have something of my own... er, eventually.

     Aeris's house was tucked into a small corner of the Sector 5
slums that almost qualified as being cozy.  She lived right near
the reservoir that served as the water supply for lower Midgar,
and so, amidst the rusted pipes and the constant, distant rumble
of pumping machinery, an almost natural-looking waterfall tumbled
from a nearby spillway to a man-made lake behind her house.  The
house itself was right at the edge of the shadow of the upper
city plate, so it would occasionally catch a rare beam of real
sunshine amidst the smog.  And of course, there were flowers.
Inexplicable, bright yellow flowers that somehow flourished near
her home, just like they did in the church.  As if her presence
alone was enough to make them grow.

Very good description of the picture from the game!  Brings it to mind perfectly without taking any cheap shortcuts.

     I came bearing bad news, for both of us.

The comma after news might not be needed.

     It smelled delicious, and I could feel my mouth water

Switching that into a more active tense might read better: '...delicious, and my mouth watered involuntarily...'

     She nodded.  "You have to cancel our picnic outing," she
said.  There was no accusation in her voice; only a sad
resignation.

     I sighed.  We had both been looking forward to getting out
of Midgar for a whole day together.  The outing had been planned
for weeks, and now...   "Not cancel," I said.  "Just... postpone
for a bit."

Probably for the best.  Considering the number of random encounters waiting, a brief stroll outside of Midgar could prove positively deadly!

     "To the East Continent."  I ran my free hand through my hair
and sighed again.  "There's a reactor in the mountains near
Nibelheim that's malfunctioning.  The raw Mako is apparently
producing monsters, according to the locals.  Sephiroth and I are

Switching that around seems to read better: "According to the locasl, the raw Mako is apparently producing monsters."  But that's very nitpicky and subjective.  You're not leaving me much to find! <grin>

     She looked at me for a long moment, a ripple of emotions
playing across her face, then looked down and gave a small,
watery laugh.  "No... never mind.  It's nothing."

That's a bit of an odd descriptive.  I can't quite imagine what a 'watery' laugh might sound like.

     I reached out and gently lifted her chin so that she would
look me in the eye.  "Aeris, trust me.  I will keep your warning
in mind, and I will be careful."  I grinned.  "And if you're
worried about the monster rumors, don't be.  Think about it.
Sephiroth is coming with me, and he's so powerful, not even the

Probably could drop the comma after powerful.

(Argh, I'm doing it again.  I'll drop the comma commentary).

     Oh, how I've come to hate that dream.  Memory.  Whatever it
is that flits through my mind with such painful clarity in this
living nightmare.

Very nice.

like getting to know them... and that usually requires some sort
of dialogue exchange."

Probably don't need the 'exchange' there--dialogue is, by definition, an exchange, otherwise, as Zack said, it's nothing but a monologue.

     "... please... Tifa... don't...."

     My eyes widen with understanding.  Oh.  Oh, *that.*  He's
remembering *that.*  My stomach sinks, and I suddenly wonder if
trying to get a response out of Cloud was such a good thing after
all.  I mean, I'm glad to know he's still in there somewhere,
still fighting it... but for him to relive that terrible
moment...

Now that's just mean!  ;)  You're holding that for later, right?

     But... Cloud remains silent.  For some reason, Jenova isn't
taking over.  The experiments of the past five years have
succeeded in pushing Cloud's consciousness so deep within himself
that he can barely even function... but with nothing to take his
place.

Wow.  I guess it's been awhile since I played the game, since I've got these gaps in my memory.  They've been in there for five years?

     He turns on me furiously, and I blink, surprised at seeing
him so vehement.  My insults have never managed to get a rise out
of him before.  "If there is failure in an experiment conducted
with a perfect science," he snaps, "the failure is likely due to

... 'a' perfect science sounds odd.  '...conducted with perfect science' is maybe slightly better; but maybe something using technique, or process, or failsafe, or scientific rigour, or something....

     The moments of silence stretch into minutes.  The minutes
into hours.  Hours into days, days into years, years into eons.
Eons of silence, with me alone.  My friend next to me, alive, but
empty.  A living shell.

I dunno, a little hyperbolic.  Stopping it at days or years is probably enough.

eyes.  "You can't let her see me, Zack!  Please, don't let her
know I'm here!"  And before I could say another word, he turned
and ran at breakneck speed for the Shinra truck.  A few moments
later, he came running back, his Shinra uniform helmet tucked
under one arm.  When he reached me, he shoved the helmet on his
head and frantically began tucking stray spikes of blond hair out
of sight.

     I gave him a flat, impatient look.  "Cloud, what the hell
are you doing?"

Heh.  Anime-male panic instinct.  It's hard, sometimes, lining up the romantic goofiness of some series and games, with the more serious elements that often get developped in fanfiction.  You do a good job, however.

~*~
To be continued.

Well?  Whaddya think?

Pretty good!  Good luck with the continuation--I wish you more speed that I have.

Later!
Mike

noakes_m@hotmail.com
http://www.geocities.com/noakes_m
http://www.geocities.com/noakes_m/webcam/webcam.htm

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