Red Digivice Diaries
Entry 3 - The Wolf
By Lord Archive
Rated NC-17 for graphic sex. If you're under eighteen, do not read this.
Warning! This part contains sexual situations that may upset some
readers. Do not read this if you have a narrow-minded view on how sexual
relations should occur. I hold nothing but characterization sacred. As
long as I can portray characters close to what they are in series, I
don't care what they do or what happens to them.
Digimon belongs to Toei Animation Co., Fox Kids, Saban Entertainment,
Bandai, and so on... and is used without consent. I'm only borrowing
them until they release the next tape.
Relationships involved: One-sided yaoi, references to Taira and Takari.
Japanese names to English: Yamato = Matt, Taichi = Tai, Koushiro = Izzy,
Takeru = T.K., and Hikari = Kari
----------------
Most of the Chosen are paired with a digimon that share traits similar
to them. Not really traits, but the desire of what we want to be. Taichi
wants to protect everyone in his own grandiose way, and what would be
greater than the tyrant lizard king, Tyrannosaurus Rex. Sora wishes to
be free of the bonds of being a traditional girl, and so soars away with
a fiery bird. Koushiro is so methodical and task orientated that only a
nest of insects would rival him. Takeru has always been an angel, and
Patamon is the proof.
The wolf is what I am. I can be a part of the pack, ready to bring down
any that would oppose us-- a beta that follows the guidance of the
alpha. I can also be alone, a threat in my own right and capable of
surviving without any help. I'd have to be; otherwise I would be dead
already.
It's not like I have a choice in being a lone wolf now. The person I've
fallen in love with would never be with me. The alpha of my dreams chose
a different beta for his mate, making her an alpha. It's the way it
should be, I guess. The alpha is supposed to breed, and he can't do that
with a male beta.
When did I fall in love with him? I guess it was when we all first went
to the Digital World. I admired how he could press on despite everything
that happened to us, how he was able to keep the group together as a
team, how strong he can be. Though he's also an arrogant jerk who
doesn't know when to stop either. In a funny way, I love that too. He's
not perfect, but I don't want someone perfect. I wanted Taichi.
It took me too long to realize what my feelings for him really were.
They confused me so much that sometimes I acted like a little boy
hitting the girl he likes just because he didn't know how else to
express it. The problem was one of the times I did that, I had an
Ultimate-digimon do the fighting for me. But when I finally figured out
that I felt more than friendship for Taichi, it was too late.
Shortly after we returned from the Digital World, Taichi confessed to me
that Sora had become his lover. I was stunned, shocked, and jealous. And
that's when I knew what I felt for Taichi. I wasn't jealous of Taichi,
but Sora. She had the man I loved.
Gods, I sound like a girl. Sometimes I feel like I am one. The pink
apron Dad bought on sale didn't exactly help. Not that I'd dress in drag
or anything; I'm all male, and I like being a guy. I just also want to
share my life with a guy. I don't know why I can't even imagine living
with a girl. I just can't.
I tried being with a girl. Jun was forward enough. It just didn't feel
right. The kiss I stole from Taichi was immensely better than one I
shared with Jun, even considering Taichi decked me for it.
But now he knows. He knows that I love him and he rejected me.
----------------
"Hey, Yamato!"
Yamato turned around and waved at his little brother. "Hi. What's up?"
"Not much. Just passing through." Takeru stopped as he caught up to
Yamato on the street. "Who gave you the fat lip?"
Yamato shrugged. "Taichi got a little upset at something I did."
"Oh." Takeru scratched his head. "Have something to do with him trying
to set you up?"
"Yep."
Takeru paused. "Mind if I get something to drink from your place?"
Yamato appraised Takeru, wondering why he had asked that. "Not at all."
Neither of them said anything as Yamato finished his trek, coming home
from the theater.
Takeru quickly raided the refrigerator and frowned. "Gee, beer or more
beer. What a choice."
"Sorry. I finished off the last of the soda pop this morning. I can make
some tea, if you want."
Takeru shut the frig. "Actually, I didn't come here to get something to
drink."
"I kind of noticed. So what's up?"
Takeru folded his arms. "You tell me."
Yamato turned away. "What are you talking about?"
"Taichi punched you, and I'd like to know why."
Yamato shrugged. "He's gets upset easily. You know that."
Takeru scowled. "But what caused it?"
Yamato sighed. "Takeru, you wouldn't understand."
"Try me."
"It's about relationship stuff. You're still too young."
Takeru looked at Yamato as if he came from a different planet. "I
thought you knew."
Yamato blinked. "Knew what?"
Takeru pointed at his shoulder. "Remember when I had a bruise on my
shoulder several months back. The one I was really embarrassed about."
"Sort of."
"It was more of a hickey, really." Takeru blushed a bit. "Hikari gave
that to me... the first time we had sex."
Yamato collapsed to the floor. "What?! Takeru how... you're still... oh,
geez! Taichi is going to kill you when he finds out."
"He already knows."
Yamato stared. "He does?"
"Yeah." Takeru nodded. "A few weeks ago."
"I thought you had gotten hurt from fighting Daisuke."
Takeru nodded. "Well, Daisuke was the one to beat me up. Taichi was the
one to attack Daisuke, thinking he was the guy who had nearly gotten
Hikari pregnant."
Yamato flinched. "Ouch. Did Daisuke know before that?"
"Nope." Takeru shook his head. "Now are you going to tell me about what
happened?"
Yamato massaged his head, trying to think. "It was nothing major. Taichi
challenged me to admit who I loved, and I did."
Takeru slumped into a chair. "I see.... How did you admit your feelings
to him?"
"Huh?" Yamato blinked.
"How did you tell Taichi you loved him?" Takeru repeated.
Yamato's mouth opened and closed several times. "H-how did you know?"
"You're my brother. I could just tell how you felt."
Yamato waved that off. "That won't cut it. I didn't know you were that
close with Hikari."
Takeru scratched the back of his head. "Actually, Hikari noticed it
first and pointed it out to me. The evidence wasn't hard to figure out
if you looked for it."
"How long have you known?"
Takeru shrugged. "Well, I pretty much knew shortly after I moved back to
Odaiba."
"Hikari had me pegged before that, right?"
Takeru nodded. "Yes. Now how did you admit it?"
Yamato bowed his head. "I kissed him."
"Oh, geez." Takeru massaged his forehead. "No wonder he decked you." He
then sighed. "How are you feeling?"
Yamato laughed a little. "Honestly, I feel free. Taichi knows that I
love him and he rejected me flat out. In a way that's what I was hoping
he would do."
Takeru quirked an eyebrow. "Are you sure?"
"If Taichi had kissed me back or something like that, I would've felt
like I had a chance. That maybe Taichi was bi-sexual and he could end up
with me. I might've tried to break Sora and him up just so I could be
happy with him. This way I know I never had a chance. He doesn't like
guys the way I do, so the only way I could've been with him is if I was
a girl-- and I'm not going to do that."
"So it doesn't hurt?" Takeru questioned.
"Of course it hurts!" Yamato snapped. "I love him. Every weekend he
makes love to Sora, and I want to be the one he sticks his cock into.
But the only way I can show my love is to be happy for him."
Takeru's face quirked. "Ugh. Please don't do talk about that kind of
stuff."
"What? Sex with a guy?"
Takeru nodded. "Yeah."
"As long as you don't describe what it's like with Hikari."
"Deal."
Yamato forced a chuckle. "Are you okay with me being the way I am?"
"You're my brother. Nothing is going to change that."
Yamato smiled at his little brother. "Thanks."
----------------
"So... Takeru and Hikari knows, and so does Taichi." Yamato took a long
sip of beer. "Might as well get out of the closet and let everyone know.
Don't matter no more. I'm already a disappointment to all of them."
Yamato swaggered over to the window. "Dad's going ta have grandkids.
Hikari will see to that. But they'll be Takaishi, not Ishida. The only
way I'll have a kid is if I adopt, and they probably won't let a fag
adopt. The Ishida clan ends with me."
Yamato tossed the empty beer can into the recycling bin and went to the
refrigerator for another one. "No one loves me, needs me. I'm just here.
Important to nobody. Well, I'm sort of important to Takeru, but not
really. If I died, he would cry, and I don't want him to cry."
Yamato went back to the window and gazed out of it. He turned his head
as the apartment door opened. "Welcome back."
Ishida turned on the lights and saw what his son was drinking. "Yamato,
what are you doing?"
"Getting drunk. What didja think?"
Ishida rubbed his forehead. "Why?"
"Told Taichi that I love him."
"I take from the fat lip, he didn't like your advances."
"Not at all. He hated my kiss." Yamato raised his can of beer. "Why
don't ya join me? Drinkin' alone sucks."
"I think you've had far too many. You should go to bed." Ishida walked
toward his son.
"I'm not a little kid. I'll go to bed when I wanna."
Ishida chuckled harshly. "You certainly sound and act like one right
now."
"I do NOT!" Yamato stood up quickly and wobbled.
Ishida caught his son as he collapsed.
----------------
Yamato groaned in pain. The sunlight streaming in through the window was
far too bright and his back was killing him. He tried to remember how he
had fallen asleep sitting up, but only came up with the memory of
drinking a lot and telling his dad about... "Oh, shit."
"You're awake." Ishida was at the stove, cooking eggs.
"Um, Dad?"
"Drag yourself to the table. I've got a few recipes for dealing with
hangovers."
"R-right." Yamato nervously stood up from where he had slept in the
corner. "Why did I sleep there?"
"After how much you drank, you have to sleep sitting up. Otherwise, you
might drown on your vomit if you threw up."
"Okay." Yamato sat down at the table.
Ishida set a plate in front of his son. "Eggs and coffee, with a little
additive. This will help you get through the morning."
"Um, Dad, about last night...." Yamato fidgeted.
"Don't worry about it." Ishida sighed. "You're not the first to find
comfort in alcohol after having his heart shredded."
"But, Dad... the one I love is a guy."
"So?" Ishida crossed his arms. "True, I would've preferred that you
liked girls, but it's your life. I've made too many mistakes before. I
don't have the right to tell you what to do."
"But how did you know?" Yamato questioned.
Ishida shrugged. "Well, from how I've seen you deal with girls. Then
there are those songs you wrote which mostly focus on Taichi. Then there
was that camping trip last year-- while Taichi was moping about being
away from Sora, you kept moping after him."
"Why didn't you say anything?"
"It's none of my business. You're mature enough to make your own
decisions."
"I... I don't know what to say."
Ishida smirked. "You don't have to say anything. Just eat your breakfast
before it gets cold."
"Thanks."
----------------
Yamato sighed as hot water streamed over his body from the shower. He
had thought no one knew about him being gay. They all treated him like a
normal person. He thought they would react to him like he was a leper or
something. But his father, brother, and Hikari all knew and they hadn't
changed how they had treated him.
Yamato thought they would treat him like Taichi had. That stolen kiss
had occurred a few days ago now, and Taichi was avoiding him. That was
why he had never told Taichi his feelings before. He valued their
friendship, now it was over. As much as he wanted Taichi to fondle his
cock, he would've preferred to remain friends than to have taken the
chance and lost him entirely.
Just thinking about Taichi made his dick stiffen. How he wished that it
was Taichi's hand grabbing it, and not his own. To stroke it with
practiced ease, to make him harder.
Yamato went to his knees. His right hand increasing the pace he rubbed
his manhood. He then pushed two fingers into his anal cavity, imagining
at first that they were Taichi's fingers. Yamato then stretched his anus
to allow a third finger in, and then thought about what it would be like
if that was Taichi's cock instead.
He continued to thrust with his fingers into his ass as the tempo of the
hand job increased to maddening proportions. He grunted wanting to savor
the moment longer, but he couldn't stop it any longer. His cum shot out,
landing briefly on the shower walls before the spray washed it away.
Yamato panted and sat down. He then punched the wall. "Why do I still do
this to myself?! I know he wants nothing to do with me." He began to
cry. "I've got to let him go. I've got to. It does neither of us any
good to long for something I can never have."
----------------
The fans cheer him on. The music began for the last song of the concert.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
We're not ready yet, just look
If I'm right and we really get crushed
Then what's the point?
Well, if you want to I can't stop you
Just cause you're passionate about it
Doesn't make it right
Try being a little cooler
Cool off your head
There's a chance of winning
Any game
I'm all right on my own
I'll even walk the edge of a knife
I'm not trying to be tough
But I can't become enough of a kid
To be weak
I still can't find the data
But I'll try
Being myself
So just be cool
And don't lose to yourself
No matter what the rules
I'm sure you can break through
Possible, impossible
But if we're
The chosen children
Then we can do it
I have
A passionate heart, too
But I just can't
Use it as a shield
I'm all right on my own
I'll even walk the edge of a knife
I'll even walk the edge of a knife
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The concert came to a close. Yamato waved at the audience as he left the
stage with the band.
Akira patted Yamato on the back. "Man, you really put a lot of emotion
out there today."
"What can I say?" Yamato shrugged. "Took a chance at love and lost."
"So that's where the flat lip came from." Yutaka smirked. "The oh, so
great Taichi didn't take well to you, huh?"
Takashi draped an arm over Yamato's shoulder. "Now that you know Taichi
is really unavailable, how about coming to my place? Hmmm?"
Yamato knocked off Takashi's arm. "Sorry. I'm looking for a meaningful
relationship."
"I can be meaningful." Takashi pouted.
Yamato scowled slightly. "You've had three girlfriends and two
boyfriends in the past two months. I would hardly call that meaningful.
What I want is a love to last me until I die."
Takashi raised his arm dramatically. "Love is fleeting. Sex is for the
eternal moment of orgasm. There is nothing more perfect than shooting
your wad into someone."
Yamato glared. "I believe that love can be forever and sex is only
perfect if you're with that loved one."
Takashi shook his head. "You don't know what you're missing."
"Man." Akira looked really sick. "Ignorance is bliss; you guys do know
that. I asked you before not to talk about that yaoi stuff in front of
me."
"Sorry." Yamato forced a grin.
Takashi ignored Akira. "I know this great gay bar. Perhaps you'll meet
that 'love' of yours."
"So you can get me drunk?" Yamato laughed harshly. "I don't think so.
Besides, I'm trying to keep a clean image to help get us a recording
contract."
Akira threw up his arms and left with Yutaka.
Takashi folded his arms. "They love a dirty image. It sets you apart and
helps them sell our art."
"I don't think they'd take a risk on a fag image."
"Sure they would. Ever heard about that American band, the Village
People?" Takashi pressed.
Yamato flattened his look. "They had kept that a secret."
Takashi blinked. "Oh, right. Well, if the recording companies don't like
it, they'll bury it. So, what do you say about a night of fun?"
Yamato shook his head. "I'm not in the mood."
----------------
Sometimes when walking down the street, you run into one of the last
people you ever wanted to see. At one time we were very good friends,
comrades-in-arms, but by now she knows I'm in love with her boyfriend.
I've gotten used to being around her and hiding my jealousy, but how is
she going to react to me?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Hi, Yamato. How are you?" Sora asked nervously.
"Fine, you?"
"Um, good." Sora twiddled her fingers. "Has Taichi talked to since...."
Yamato shook his head. "Haven't seen him all week."
"I see." Sora's hands fidgeted. "Are... are you going to go after
Taichi?"
"No. He's not like me. I'd only hurt all of us if I tried."
Sora looked relieved. "Good. Yamato, I know I'm probably the last person
you'd want to talk to now but... if you need to talk, I'll be there for
you."
Yamato's eyes widened "You're still willing to do that even though-"
Sora interrupted. "Yes. You're my friend, we're all your friends-- even
Taichi. Just because you're... a little different doesn't change
anything."
Yamato smirked. "What if Taichi liked me more?"
Sora looked perturbed. "Then I would have to prove he belongs with me."
"I wouldn't exactly be a friend then, would I?"
"I'm not sure. I'd hoped it would be a friendly rivalry."
"Takeru and Daisuke had a friendly rivalry. Daisuke still beat the shit
out of him."
Sora sweat-dropped. "I wouldn't have done that, and I'm sure you
wouldn't either."
"In case you haven't noticed, I have done that to Taichi on a few
occasions."
Sora blinked and thought over a few instances in a different light.
"Right. Well, I'm still willing to help you in any way I can."
"You're not going to try to set me up with a girl, are you?"
Sora shook her head. "Why would I do that? Though if I come across a guy
who's like you, I might introduce you."
Yamato laughed. "I appreciate the thought."
----------------
"Yamato," Taichi called out simply.
Yamato looked up in surprise. "Rehearsals just ended."
"I know. I waited for your band to leave."
"Why are you here?"
Taichi sighed. "I have a few things I need to say to you."
Yamato bowed his head. "Go ahead."
Taichi shut his eyes. "I... I'm sorry."
Yamato blinked a few times. "You're sorry?"
Taichi nodded. "Yeah. Sorry about what I did before."
"Challenging me or punching me?"
Taichi scratched the back of his head. "Sort of both."
Yamato folded his arms. "Someone is making you say that."
Taichi looked confused. "What do you mean?"
"I serious doubt you would apologize for that. You'd rather forget it
happened and put it behind you."
Taichi folded his arms. "No one can make me do anything."
Yamato glared. "I'm sure. Try telling me what you really want to say."
Taichi scowled. "Fine. I'm not sorry about challenging you. You
shouldn't bottle up your feelings. I over reacted to your kiss, but I
had never thought that you were gay. You had surprised me and I couldn't
think, I just reacted."
"So, who made you apologize-- Sora, Hikari and/or Takeru?"
Taichi nodded. "All of them and Koushiro."
"Koushiro knows too?" Yamato questioned.
"Yep."
"When?"
"He only knew when I told him what happened. He suspected it, though."
Yamato gave out a little laugh. "Who else knows? Everyone?"
"I don't think Iori or Daisuke knows. Miyako might know if Hikari told
her. Sora found out from Mimi that Jyou and her already knew about it."
Yamato shook his head. "Some secret I've been keeping. Here I thought
only my band knew about it, and yet everybody does and don't care."
Taichi looked down. "I didn't know."
"You were always a little thick-headed."
"Hey!" Taichi snapped.
Yamato smirked. "But I love you anyway."
Taichi looked sick. "Please don't remind me. I value our friendship, but
that's all it can every be."
"So you want to be just friends."
"Right." Taichi nodded.
"You know it's the girls who're suppose to give the 'let's be friends'
talk to their ex-boyfriends."
"Yeah, and the closest one to being a girl is you, and you want more
than friendship."
Yamato sighed. "Yeah, I want more. I've been wanting that for a long
time. I know it'll never become anything more, but I can't stop wanting
it."
"But, Yamato, even if I wasn't with Sora, I'd never be with you. I just
don't swing that way."
Yamato sighed. "I understand."
"Come on, man. Cheer up. You'll find someone eventually. Hopefully it'll
be a girl."
Yamato shook his head. "Taichi, it won't be. While you can't accept the
idea of being with a guy, I can't even imagine what it would be like
being with a girl. The times I tried grossed me out. I just can't do
that."
"But it's not natural."
Yamato scowled. "It's not natural for you. It feels perfectly naturally
to me."
Taichi made an incoherent sound. "Yamato, I won't ask about what you do
with guys, so please don't tell me."
Yamato chuckled. "As long as you do the same for me."
"Deal. Friends?" Taichi held out his hand.
Yamato shook hands. "Friends."
----------------
Life sometimes surprises you. I came out of the closet and found most of
my friends already knew and didn't really care. I wouldn't say they were
supportive, but they didn't reject me either. I can't thank them enough
for that. I want to be their friend, but I don't want to be their
'special' friend. I just want to be one of them.
Taichi is still uncomfortable around me. I don't blame him. I still love
him and it won't go away overnight. I've been trying to give up on him
for four years, but my feelings never changed. At least I'm not fickle.
I guess someone told Mom about me. Dad explained that one of Mom's
quirks is to write out her frustrations through editorials. Her latest
one was on homosexuals. He reads her articles regularly. That was how he
found out about Takeru and Hikari. I guess I should read Mom's
editorials more since they'd help me understand her more.
The lone wolf is still alone, but the pack will still accept me. I
wonder if I'll ever meet a special someone who I can love and will love
me back. I want to write a happy love song for once.
----------------
Author's Notes:
The song was:
Walk On the Edge
~Ishida Yamato's Theme~
Kazama Yuuto
Taken from Megchan's web page, http://www.megchan.com/digimon/
Akira, Yutaka, and Takashi are the names of the guys in Yamato's band.
Megchan got the names from the script to episode 38. Which one plays
which instrument is unknown though.
As always C&C is appreciated.
Most of my lemons can be found at http://www.mich.com/~archive/anime
The majority of my Ranma ficts as well as a few ficts from other series
like The Slayers can be found at
http://www.geocities.com/Tokyo/Fuji/9061/anime.html